Are daughters still expected to shoulder most care for elderly parents?

My Dad cared for his parents. As I said my DH cares for his.

Hopefully both my son and daughter will see that supporting your elderly relative isn’t only a female responsibility.

I also think that both jobs and medical appointments were very different in the past. Hospitals were more local (where I am they seem to have centralised some specialities onto one site which is miles away), GPs knew their patients and did home visits far more often. District nurse type roles also more available and did home visits. And there was less intervention available for many conditions. So there weren’t the sheer number of medical appointments involved and they were more local and therefore easier to get to.

And many workplaces are more pressured now. When my parents were working, which is 25-30 years ago now, they seem to have just gone to funerals for people who weren’t even relatives or had compassionate leave very easily. Whereas work has really tightened up on this, funerals require annual leave unless for a very limited set of close relatives and you wouldn’t get compassionate leave for taking someone to a hospital appointment now - it would be unpaid carers’ leave or having to use annual leave. If you’re already using annual leave to cover childcare and only get four weeks plus bank holidays then its
very very limited.

Being something is 'expected' by a sexist and mysoginist society does not mean that you need to go along with it.

I have been no contact with my toxic mother for quite some time and no intention whatsoever to see her again and even less to get involved in any kind of care.

''@studiopolish324r · Today 10:57
Women are more caring so it's no surprise that they do most of this. So, in that way, it's "expected", nothing to do with sexism but more to do with biology. But is that so bad? Doesn't it mean that women are wonderful, vital and valuable? There are caring men out there too!''

No. It has all to do with sexism.

Many women are forced into caring for the elderly even if they have no interest in doing so due to cultural expectations and because the men in the family get away with doing nothing.

Just like many women have kids or get married because they are pushed into it by societal expectations from an early age but have no natural or so called biological predisposition to be 'caring'.

You don't need to be 'caring' to be 'valuable' either.

As long as we peddle that nonsense about biology, women will end up having to deal with all the childcare and elderly care and governments won't have to properly fund much needed social care for the elderly.

In reality caring for elderly people will affect your own health, career and ability to save for a decent retirement not to mention your own family and relationship. No one should be automatically expected to take on that role especially if the elderly person has multiple physical and cognitive issues and require constant support. It really takes a professional team to support people in these situations.

My DH is expected to do it all by his parents. He limits it to a visit every 2 weeks when he does all their admin and DIY gardening etc. He will try to do most appointments but can only do about 25% due to work and timings. PIL rant and rage he is a terrible son and shame him. It's all 'poor us' to their neighbours. The reality is they are complete narcissists who have destroyed their son and continue to have a hugely negative effect on me and their grandchildren. I used to visit once a week with kids but over summer I realised they arnt my parents and they have effectively ruined my marriage so I won't anymore. You reap what you sow. And yet the expectation is still on me as DIL to facilitate.

OP I ran myself into the ground caring for one parent who died relatively young. I am absolutely determined not to do the same for the other parent. I came very close to losing my career and not having the opportunity to have a family of my own.

It’s very easy to get sucked in when situations develop gradually but I’ve done a lot of work on boundaries and saying no.

I think my generation has moved on - I have children at primary school and know more stay at home dads than mums, or families where both parents have reduced hours or do compressed hours to make it work.

But the generations above me haven’t moved on and still expect the women to do it. Partly because in the past the women barely worked after having children. But also when they did work, they retired at 50 or 55 and so were available to do caring.

My “D”M cannot comprehend that I will have to work into my mid-60s and thinks my work will just have to accommodate her needs. She isn’t local! She doesn’t have this expectation of my “D”B who has much more flexible working than I do and is the one who, practically speaking, would be more able to help her. But she sees his job as more important.

I have sons who gave me amazing support when DH was ill and died. They honestly couldn’t have done more. They continue to support me.

Women are more caring so it's no surprise that they do most of this. So, in that way, it's "expected", nothing to do with sexism but more to do with biology. But is that so bad? Doesn't it mean that women are wonderful, vital and valuable? There are caring men out there too!

I agree it's a massive burden though. I wouldn't wish it on my own kids, I would happily end it at that point.

I think that is a HUGE generalisation and something I do not see in my life or those around me st all. I regularly spend time with my MIL( without my oh) and get on with her very well. She spends every xmas with us etc and is often invited to lunch etc

My mother expects me to drop everything and provide whatever care or assistance is required. Shes given my number as her emergency contact, so all sorts of people and organisations call me expecting me to drop everything and go and help. So yes, its largely seen as a daughters job by the majority. And they really don't like it if you say no, I was in hospital with a DC once when another hospital called to say my mother was being admitted and would I come. The woman who called me was quite shocked when I said no.
There are plenty of men who care for their elderly and vulnerable, but they aren't the majority sadly.

In most couples/ families the woman takes on the caring role from the minute she has children, if not before. Most of the mothers of young children I know work part-time, if at all, so that they can look after their children and reduce childcare bills. Few of the fathers work part-time and I don’t know a single stay at home dad. It’s unsurprising that when care is needed for parents or other wider family members this also falls to the women, the same women who cared for the children. Sometimes this may be logistical (eg: if the woman continued to work part-time or not to work at all beyond the children being small) but often it’s because that is the set up and expectation that was ingrained years ago. If a father wasn’t even expected or willing to take on much care for his own children in the baby/ toddler years it’s unsurprising he won’t expect or be willing to take on any care for his elderly parents.

I don’t think this is the case, I look after my mum who’s in her 80s and my husband looks after both of his parents who both have dementia, and are now in care his sister lives literally in thr next village to them and has neglected them and done fuck all, we live 8 hours away. So we have huge chucks of time when he’s having to travel and spend time it’s them and arrange all the legal stuff, his other brother has zero contact. I just think it depends on individuals and how they were raised and how their own lives have panned out. We don’t have the time for this we both work we have young adults still at home but we’ve just had to carve out time.

If your DH and BIL won't / can't pick up the slack then they need to be looking at organising and paying someone who will. Even hiring a private cleaner or gardener a couple of times a week makes sure someone puts eyes on them. They just need to organise themselves better. I know if dh couldn't do hospital appointments due to work, then I would as his partner and the co-beneficiary of that work. Our families are quite traditional, but whilst it would be expected by the elderly that the women "step up", the generation down wouldn't see the (non intimate) caring roles defined by gender.

i know a number of sons that do more (or in brothers case does equal, to my sister, I’m unfortunately letting the side down at the moment, work won’t give me time off regularly to help with mums appointments although I try to get up as much as possible) but it does take a certain personality, all the ones I know are the type that do half at home, that are responsible, easy going and caring in general. The ones I know that don’t help are your stereotypes, the do nothing at home crowd.

Yes I think women are more expected to do these things, because we are 'better at it' ( reality is we tend to get on with doing it and therefore of course we are better at it) unfortunately I think women are expected to be the carer whether its for children or others.
OH calls his mum late 80's everyday and visits after work most days, takes shopping etc ( for the fresh bread, fruit etc on top of the online shop) mornings out , appointments etc but neither of us will be doing any physical care in the future so she will require carers at home or a care home at some point maybe.

I cared for my grandmother in her last year of life, the rest of the family were happy to bark out orders and control her finances but gave no practical support at all. She was a bugger too, used to have her carers in to help up get up and she'd tell them she could manage then she'd ring me in tears saying she wasn't dressed so I'd have to do the 12 mile round trip to sort her out....

I don't think it's gender related, some people are just too selfish to be able to care for someone else in that way.

@EndlessSeaViews. I think women are much much nicer to their own parents than to their PILS. How do women who give up work in their fifties to care for their parents cope financially? Generally, their husbands support them. I don’t think anyone on MN would form the impression that women are caring to their PILS. I reported a group of posters on here recently laughing about ‘punishing’ their MILS by tricking them into thinking they had dementia.
I think women are nice to those they love. There are plenty of stories on here about women treating other non biological women really badly.
There are many Evolutionary and Kinship Theories such as the Cinderella Effect that shows how hostile women are to non biologically related female family members.
Intrasexual Competition: Studies on female competition indicate that women evaluate other women as potential rivals for status, familial support, and material resources managed by male or core family members. 1, 2, 3]
Most women are lovely to biological family members. Research shows they are not ‘nicer’ to non biologically related women in the extended family.

I'm the eldest and only girl from a sibling set of 4

My parents made it clear that it was expected of me to do all the caring of them when they got old

Unfortunately for them,they are abusive and I walked away 15 years ago

They are now at the stage of starting to need care and it's not expected that my brothers will lift a finger

('But they are men!,caring is womens work')

I won't be lifting a finger-either the men do it and earn their inheritance or they pay for it

I'm the one in the wrong for not wanting to give up my whole life to run around after them

If they are, then the daughters need to develop a spine and say "no". We all have agency in these matters.

I thought everyone knew that men don't really do any work unless it's paid or will get them a huge amount of recognition.

I don't agree that it's your choice to go along with the sexist cultural expectation, as I don't think it's sexist to look after your parents. Surely it would be preferable for both sexes to share the load, in which case it's men that are choosing to go along with the sexist cultural expectation by not getting involved. My parents don't expect me to care for them in old age but of course I'm not going to leave them to suffer. I just hope my brothers will help them out, too.

My dp did a lot of caring for his dm and I love him for it.
I also see plenty of men, caring for their elderly parents in A&E

I agree with the first reply, it is your choice to help to this extent. It seems that you are expecting it of yourself, no one else is.

I am an only child and my mother lived with dementia for ten years (she died last year). I organised her care at home, and rang once a week, but I rarely visited because she lived a few hours away. I then moved her to a care home near me and visited once a fortnight. I did all the organising and financial paperwork which was time consuming, but I didn’t run my entire life round her.

If you are happy to help to this extent that's your choice, but I wouldn't criticise your husband for not doing the same.

It was expected that the women of the family would do more up until fairly recently. Now that my grandmother requires a bit more help (she is 98, after all), she tries to ask her son for help as much as my mother... even though he is not as patient, and they drive each other up the wall because they are both very stubborn! She has accepted some help with cleaning, gardening and even has the odd ready meal now. DGM ran herself ragged working, raising a family, caring for a dying sibling and her remaining elderly parent. My DM did similar. I suspect that, when push comes to shove, unless she also accepts help, I would be expected to do everything for DM when she is older, even though I live much further away. My sibling said that she can move into the sheltered accommodation across the road from his house...