Are daughters still expected to shoulder most care for elderly parents?

My older DB does everything for my mum. I really get off lightly compared. If your family have ingrained sexist attitudes then yes, it will always be the daughter left wiping the arses.

My mother, 82 told me the other day that she didn't have children for them to look after her when she is old and that she would happily go into a care home when she felt the time was right. I smiled at her and gave her a wink as I asked her which one has she decided on?

But they are free to make their own choices of care, with their own money!
A £5,500+ bill per month might not be an option for very long and the Adult Social Care bill to the tax payer is already huge. Increase taxes to pay for more care?

Moving to a care home is a really difficult decision, timing vital. My DP’s DM wanted to do this in her 80’s, but she was fit, active, cooking for herself, still driving, paid for help with the garden etc. The most available care homes were those where she would live in one bedroom, bed, chair, wardrobe. We discouraged her, what would she do all day, watch tv, sit in her chair? We felt this would aid a decline?
.

Very few could afford to go into a home simply because they live alone and are lonely/need a bit of support. My DF's home costs about £80,000 a year. Someone who goes in at 80 could potentially live for another 20 years. That's a lot of money for a bit of company!

Fine in theory, but what about when confronted with an elderly, possibly ill person who needs practical assistance RIGHT NOW? Would you just close the door and walk away? Or perhaps, as so many men do, avoid being in the vicinity in the first place, so they don't have to "see" what's needed.😔

Couldn’t agree more!

Sadly, it’s only those with money that can choose to go into a reaidential
care home. If you’re dependent on social
services funding they keep you at home, isolated with just a few carer visits, if they possibly can.

There are some wonderful reaidential
homes out there for those that can afford it. It takes the worry away - my relative had a whole new lease of life once she was removed from trying to manage a cleaner, gardener, utility bills, laundry etc and living on frozen ready meals. In the home she got high quality freshly cooked food, a choice of places to eat and activities to join if she wanted, a garden to enjoy without having to worry about maintaining it.

Yes have seen numerous friends pandering to the ‘she doesn’t want strangers in her house’ stuff. And sacrificing their 59s/60s to this.

My DB does a lot for DM. He sorts out her finances and admin and does minor maintenance around her house. I deal with medical stuff, like appointments because her memory is so bad that I need to be there or none of us will know what the doctor said. I organise people to drive her around and do household stuff like her laundry and cleaning (I'm not allowed to say carers, as she doesn't need carers apparently). I'm trying to avoid being the person of first resort because I don't want to, but I'm happy to employ people and even when I'm being avoidant I end up fielding a lot of phone calls because her memory is so bad now that I am her calendar app.

DM did try to say that she didn't want any strangers in her house, but I gave that short shrift because that's what her mother did to DM and her sister and they lost years of their lives to looking after her. My DF died only two years after my grandmother, so DM lost that time with her husband. DM always said that she would never do the same thing to me, but as her mental capacity has declined she forgets. However she could easily live for another decade, and I have multiple health problems so I am not likely outlive her for very long and I'm doing my best to avoid sacrificing what good years I have left, so she has paid help or nothing. So far the paid help is working out well.

Then that’s fine.
My own mother is 85 and independent - does all her house stuff/admin/deals with builders/travels abroad/gets taxis to the supermarket… Goes to art classes/book clubs etc… I encourage that.
But if she needed personal care and brazen housebound. Would be a different scenario.
And there are homes for people v without dementia! My grandmother moved into one aged 99… and sharp as a tack. Was a lovely place.

Not here. DH visits his mum, organises carers/cleaners/gardeners/attends hospotal apts. We are 240 miles away. His sisters do fuck all and whilst they live on another continent vosit about every 10 and 5 years respectively and to date use their mums like an hotel. I am waiting to see how fast they arrive for the reading of the will.

I'm an only, I visit my mum regularly, deal with paperwork, appointments, have applied for attendance allowance and blue badge. 110 miles away. As she gets frailer I expect to visit more.

If and when necessary, DH and I have already agreed we will have to divide our time between them and home. I've already eyed up flats to rent near my mum if necessary. They are 90. If they need to go into a home, they'll be visited 2/3 times a week. A relly presence extrapolates to better care imo. However, saying that both are frail and have several health conditions and I suspect care will have a limited duration. We are both semi retired and accept that work will have to cease when they need more.

I have never done my own cleaning. Mum never did her own cleaning. Other people can be paid to do this, unless people have nothing or family has an eye to what will be left to inherit.

My MIL takes great pleasure from her lovely home, surrounded by her own things and freedom to make her own decisions. She’s capable of managing her own cooking and cleaning just can’t get out and about on her own.

In a home she’d have to follow someone else’s rules, wouldn't be able to cook or choose her own food etc etc.

I can tell you absolutely that even though she’s a bit lonely she would absolutely not consider “social connection* a worthwhile exchange for the freedom of her own home.

As she becomes less capable we’ll provide additional support, arrange cleaners, carers etc but we wouldn't put her in a home unless she needed it for her own safety. She’d hate it.

In MILs case she is 81 so young by care home standards and mentally ok, just physically frail. It’s hard to find home settings that cater for her needs (not great for social contact if most have dementia) and she isn’t keen, she likes being in her house. She has friends and neighbours who drop round. She can do her day to day online banking and shopping, DH mainly deals with savings and spent a long time sorting out the complicated arrangements his dad left!

All theses ‘elderly’ (what age does someone become elderly?) who are living on their homes alone would surely be better in a home with social contact? If they need carers , can’t go out or manage their own finances -very easy now with online banking and CC all utilities etc online - they are not by any means ‘losing their independence’ by going into a home / since they are clearly not independent anyway. And would free up houses for families.I’d hate to rattle around alone with no social life -on the home my grandmother lived in there was as much or c as little socialising as you wanted and lots of stimulating activities and outings.

We, specifically DH has always been main carer for his parents, now just his mum, he dropped hours at work to be able to do this, I don’t know what they would have done without him, I still work full time but help where I can, both my parents died many years ago. DH does have a sister, who already worked part time, lives local, but leaves the lions share up to DH/us.

DH does as much as he can for his widowed mother who lives 4 hours from us. He calls her most days, visits once a month for a weekend when he will cook for her and take her out (she has limited mobility and can’t go out independently). Also sorts her finances. She has carers twice a day.

BIL lives a 15 minute drive away and rarely sees her or calls her, or takes her to an appointment. His wife will take her to some appointments and do anything that means someone has to be there in person e.g. will go round if called by the falls alarm people. She does all the comms with DH, BIL rarely responds. BIL and SIL work similar hours with the same flexibility.

Basically he manages to hide behind the sexist assumption that it’s for women to deal with elderly parents and either doesn’t care or is oblivious to his mother being quite lonely and housebound. I’m glad DH is better than that but it’s interesting how men are able to get away with not having any obligations to other people.

Surely by their 60s some men will be caring for wives/partners who have developed ill health which may partly explain why the numbers even up a little by that age.

And care doesn’t necessarily involve showering and toileting someone. It could be doing their shopping, managing their finances and taking them to appointments.

No, only if you let it!

My parents chose to live closer to my DB, who hardly ever visits them never mind helping out. They were all delighted with the move.
I don’t step in when he doesn’t help,my journey would be longer and I work full time. Their choices made.

On the other hand my DP was really good at supporting his late parents.

Set your boundaries, support them with seeking appropriate help.

When my mum had a stroke my sister called me to come from work and go to the hospital with her. My sister then went home as she has a young baby. My mum stayed in hospital and died that week. All 4 siblings including my brother were with her in the last few days but if it hadn’t been terminal they would have just popped in for visits and the majority would have been left to me. I work full time in a very demanding job but because I have always gone above and beyond and done way more than my hrs my boss told me to go and do what I needed with my mum. So it was partly circumstances but also, I think it was expected that someone female would do the majority. I would have dropped everything and done whatever she needed me to for however long she was unwell and needed it.

Funnily enough I don’t want my sons caring for me. I would rather pay for care so they can get on with their own lives. I assume I would feel the same about a daughter but I don’t have any daughters. Under no circumstances would I want a daughter in law to care for me.

Agree!
I won’t be by that daughter because I would be hopeless at the type activities described here -don’t have the patience. Prefer to pay for qualified people who are not b emotionally involved. I absolutely do not ever want my DC have the lives curtailed by caring for me in that way. And would be irritated by any fuss.

I always thought that the caring role of my mum and dad would fall to me and my sister and my brothers would just waltz on and out but I've been proven wrong. My dad fell ill at start of year and the four of us all railed round to help, my brothers would shower my dad (dad had dementia so wouldn't of known who was doing it) but my brothers took it upon themselves, me and my ds would get his clothes out as db would just put anything on him. We all took it in turns to do dinner, ( mum was starting to struggle) dad died a few weeks later. Mum got worse but the care carried on, just me and ds showering mum. Someone would hoover, someone would do grass. Mum now in care home and 2 of us visit everyday but we all support each other ( she doesn't have long) both brothers have taken extended time off from work and have even been shopping for clothes for dm as she lost a lot of weight. Their both married but their wives have been surprised how much they have stepped up. One has even started cooking at home, which is a massive surprise. Going by the other comments this is unusual.

I would say that a lot of people, including some women / daughters, do have greater expectations of daughters to take on caring roles. I mean, the minute you become a mother you take on a caring role. Men traditionally take on a providing and protecting role - care, but a different kind of caring. That’s not sexist, that’s recognising that men and women are not necessarily interchangeable - whether that’s down to nature or nurture 🤷‍♀️

But - and it’s an important but - the above is true at the population, not the individual level. Many women are not cut out for caring roles, while many men can be brilliant at them. But societal expectations are set at the population level, not the individual.

i had lunch with an old friend yesterday. We are both mid 50s, both have two sons and ageing parents. At one point she was bemoaning the fact that we both have boys and said -half jokingly - that she was trying to set up one of her granddaughters to look out for her in the future - because the boys will never do it! So yes, that’s a pretty common assumption.

Are those figures exclusive to elder care or do they cover other types of care too? And how are they derived? Men are more likely to provide care for parents alongside working so Im not surprised that they dont appear in the figures as carers. My dh and his brother provide a lot of support or their parents but I doubt that's captured anywhere - who would know?

Ah so other people's experiences are just staristically insignificant outliers @littlebasketofapples whilst your experience is reflective of The Truth.