Elderly mum interfering with chores and hygiene in my home - unreasonably angry??

Think practically.

Mum I've made you an appointment at the optician's. I don't think your eyesight is good anymore.

You can get this bus there.

None of this explains why she lives with you, only why she wants to. If you can unpick that a bit it might help you to deal with the current dynamic.

If you had a normal relationship Id suggest bright and breezy and reassuring might be the way to go, but Im not sure you do.

None of those are reasons for her to live with you! My god she's done a number on you, probably your whole life if you're still accepting her shit in your own home.
I doubt you'll be able to do this, but she should be moving out.

Agree.

You need to stop caring about what she says about you and what others think of you.

If any slander comes back to you, be mysterious. Say, "There are two sides to every story." Then leave it to their imaginations. If you are ever accused of any specific wrongdoing, say, "I'm sorry she feels that way."

Your trump card is to ask any critics to have her move into their own homes to relieve you of the burden.

When dealing with your mother face to face, say, "I don't remember asking for your opinion," (on decisions you make wrt your own cleaning). "I'm sorry you feel that way," will also serve to start building a wall around yourself.

I had versions of this with my late dad...

I did the 'treat him like a recalcitrant child'..
It just led to even more circular arguments..

It was absolutely fucking soul murder.

Yes dad, you haven't cleaned down the table properly where you've just sneezed all over... And the reason I'm binning the roasties is same reason...

He'd insist that he'd cleaned the downstairs loo down... And he had made some attempt but frailty /perceptual difficulties/general not being good at cleaning... Ensured the downstairs loo was always a state of grimness...

I got sooooo fed up woth the circular conversations /levels of grumpiness..

Also, I just didn't want to spend large parts of my day cleaning /having tedious discussions about said cleaning.. Towards the last few years of his life, I was regularly having to clean down all the loo/the floor and sink... 4/5 time daily.. 😱 That's as well as all the other care tasks... Cooking /physical care and keeping his social life togethrr

A lot of the time it works out really well to have extended family living together, and is the norm in some countries/cultures. Many in the UK do it, and it can work brilliantly.
But you've got to agree on groundrules. So have a sit down and talk about it, and explain you have to find a way for it to work without constant arguments, or you'll have to seriously think if it's sustainable. Not as a threat, but a genuine need for your quality of life.

This!

If she villainises you to the rest of the family, tell them that she can move out of your house and live with them.

She sounds utterly unbearable and I would make her leave. Who cares what the rest of the family think and say. She is horrible to live with and is basically ruining your life.

However much she bad-mouths you to other family members, it’s highly unlikely they will want her to move out of yours and in with them!

How old is she? She is almost certainly old enough to move in to sheltered housing (I think they're usually for over 65). The trouble is you are a people pleaser so it will be hard for you to make her move. Would you consider having some therapy to help you stand up for yourself? At the moment it seems to me that someone wants something and so you just let it happen, but you have every right to have your own wants and needs even if it pisses someone off. It's particularly difficult to deal with your mother because she raised you to be like this, you have to overcome her programming while she is there doing all the emotional manipulation that made you like this in the first place.

If you can't bring yourself to force her to move for your sake, do it for your DC's sakes. Even if she isn't impacting them directly she is sucking your emotions and energy that you could be putting into your DC.

Why do you care if shes a professional victim and would complain to other members of the family? They're probably know what shes like and if they didnt.... who cares? You could always ask them if they want to live with her.
None of the reasons youve listed say why you allowed her to move in with you and I dont really understand why you dont put her in her place?

So she will literally suck the life out of you, she is doing, this is abuse… she’ll probably live until 100 and genuinely ruin any joy or happiness you have in life and when she’s gone you’ll be old. Get her out of your home! She’s ruining your life!

How do your kids find her?

I’m afraid, you are going to need to treat her like a child. “I’m cleaning this cupboard out today. Leave it alone, so I can finish it when I’m ready.”

You might need to make her uncomfortable.
“Shall I teach you how to do it properly?”
”Oh no Mum, you’ve done it wrong. Take it out and give it a proper scrub. If a job’s worth doing it’s worth doing well!”

I don't blame you for being angry and frustrated but guessing she is in your home by invitation.

Does she pay rent and her share of the bills?

She needs to move out. Anyone who has a pop at you about it can have her move in with them.

She will live on forever and you will become ill and depressed, which will impact not only you, but everyone in your family.

I think you have to suggest something like sheltered housing or a flat nearby. You can still do all her admin and visit, but there will be a sunset clause on it. By the sounds of it, there is nothing wrong with her at all that warrants living with you forever more.

I had my mother living with me for a year before she went into full time care. That was 8 years ago now, and I am still a bit traumatised TBH. Don't be me.

Not wanting to be alone is not a reason to inflict yourself on family…it doesn’t sound like you actually wanted the move yourself?
and to then make herself bloody rude and dictate to you in your own home?
why on earth are you putting up with this OP?

How old is she? It doesn't sound as if any of her illnesses would currently stop her living independently and in terms of " not wanting to be alone", well huge numbers of widowed people get on with it. Obviously don't know her financial situation, but public housing availability for the over 55s is better in many areas than eg houses. A 1 bed flat near transport and shops is something to aim for. This won't work.

It is your home, remember that and start taking small steps to take back control. Use your own washing machine, you don't need her permission. I feel like she's putting you back in child mode by taking over certain things, but you can take them back. She can then accept it and show respect, or she can move out. It might be best if she does anyway.
Meaning this with all kindness - if she has always been difficult, given her relationships with the rest of the family, it won't get any easier in old age. They are just older versions of themselves. Loved my nan to bits, but the way she controlled my mam's daily life and played the professional victim card when challenged on appalling behaviour has stayed with me.

It could be good to start the process of discussing where she will live in future, maybe supported living. Try one of the carer charities, perhaps the carers trust. You may not define as a carer yet in your mind but it sounds like it's going that way to me, and it gets harder so try to think about what support you'd like for now and for the future x

Time to consider supportive living or a care home. She's acting as if it's her house.

Just tell her that you don't like her cleaning, because it's not to your usual standards. Say you appreciate her help, but she's actually just giving you more work to do, so you prefer to clean yourself.

Tell her that if she carries on like this you will have to reconsider letting her live with you.

I don’t think you’re unreasonably angry given the bin, leaving it wet and putting bin bags back in is horrible! Saying that I think you’re both grating off each other- her calling you a neat freak etc isn’t nice and then you’ve called her a professional victim which I understand but also not nice.

I think you both need to figure things out. You need to talk to the rest of your family, you can’t spend your time gritting your teeth and biting your tongue in your own home. This might be an agreement being put into place with her or her moving nearby or going to live with your siblings, at least for a while. (If she starts being dramatic just say mum you have to admit we’d have a better relationship if we didn’t keep rubbing off each other!)