Page 3 | Ideas for solutions to help much appreciated. (Elderly DM and neighbour with dementia).

MerrilyMoving · 2026-08-08T12:37:46+00:00

My DM lives alone, since my DF died 18 months ago. She is 85, fit, active and generally really well. I live an hour away. During the last 6 months her elderly, male, married neighbour has started to cross from his garden to hers, has followed her to her door and has started to come and knock on the side door. The knocking can last 15-20 minutes if she doesn’t answer. He has dementia and is non-verbal. He lives with his wife who is frequently out of the home. He has adult children who visit. He wanders out of his home more when other adults are there but sometimes when he is at home he is alone. DM is scared of him. She has tried to talk to his wife who blames my DM. ‘He doesn’t do this to anyone else’. Suggestions by his wife, to resolve this have been that DM should stay indoors, shouldn’t water her garden and should buy a padlock for her gate. His adult children have warned my DM not to upset their mum by talking about this to her. DM has asked the police for advice about this man coming to the house. They didn’t have a solution, just checked he hadn’t touched her, hurt her or vandalised anything. If he does she needs to call 999. My MiL had dementia too, so I understand the sadness his family will be going through, their denial, concern and care for him. However his wife and adult children shouting at my DM and blaming her is unacceptable. I’m hoping wise people that you may have some solutions or ideas. I am thinking of a call to adult social care at the council, under safeguarding? ETA we are installing a camera at DM’s tomorrow.

Ineffable23 · 08/08/2026 22:06

Padlock on the side gate and I think something noisy is a great idea.
And I think a ring camera or two as well. Time to gather evidence of his behaviour.
Yes to the safeguarding team at the council. And if no progress I think then
The harassment point the other poster made above is excellent. No it's probably not going to be suitable for him to stand trial but someone needs to arrange suitable care for him and that's not happening.

Wandering can be incredibly problematic. My grandad got 15 miles on his worst wandering episode. It needs dealing with before it gets worse.

Original poster

MerrilyMoving · 08/08/2026 22:06

Octavia64 · 08/08/2026 21:56

Padlock or similar on the side gate would seem to be the easiest solution.

I’m sorry - your dm must be upset

Yes, I agree about the gate, sadly.

DM was more indignant about ‘why should I be locked in’ but I am wondering if this will change the man’s current fixation and perhaps after a few weeks this will pass.

There is the added advantage that he will be at the gate in full sight, rather than along the side of the house where nobody can see him.

It does prevent DM from easy access to half of her gardens, unfortunately and I’m not sure what would happen with the post, newspapers, milk delivery or unexpected visiting friends and family.

OP posts:

Octavia64 · 08/08/2026 21:56

Padlock or similar on the side gate would seem to be the easiest solution.

I’m sorry - your dm must be upset

Original poster

MerrilyMoving · 08/08/2026 21:50

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 08/08/2026 17:11

Make sure she has numbers to text them- or for you to text them, when he’s doing it. Every time, all of them. Make it their problem.

And don’t underplay her vulnerability. She’s 85, lives alone, and in any other context would be the most vulnerable person in the situation. She’s being harassed in her own home.

I don’t think his wife would share her number, but I will try in my ‘how can we solve this’ approach.

OP posts:

Original poster

MerrilyMoving · 08/08/2026 21:49

Suzyloo · 08/08/2026 17:04

I wonder whether it would be worth another conversation with the police, perhaps with you there in support. I don't think they are correct that they can't act. He is already harassing her by going over and knocking on the door repeatedly, so it's different from someone going into a shop who hasn't stolen anything yet.

Section 1 of the Protection from Harassment Act 1997 says:

***

"1 Prohibition of harassment.

(1)A person must not pursue a course of conduct—

(a)which amounts to harassment of another, and

(b)which he knows or ought to know amounts to harassment of the other.

***

The section goes on to say:

***

"(2) For the purposes of this section section 2A(2)(c) the person whose course of conduct is in question ought to know that it amounts to or involves harassment of another if a reasonable person in possession of the same information would think the course of conduct amounted to harassment of the other."

***

Section 4 deals with putting people in fear of violence:

***
"4 Putting people in fear of violence.

(1)A person whose course of conduct causes another to fear, on at least two occasions, that violence will be used against him is guilty of an offence if he knows or ought to know that his course of conduct will cause the other so to fear on each of those occasions.

(2)For the purposes of this section, the person whose course of conduct is in question ought to know that it will cause another to fear that violence will be used against him on any occasion if a reasonable person in possession of the same information would think the course of conduct would cause the other so to fear on that occasion.

***

In your first post you said his wife blames your mother because he doesn't do it to anyone else. You also said that he waits until he can see there is no-one there with her and then goes over. He therefore seems, regardless of the dementia, to have identified your mother as someone he can target with this behaviour. The police might argue he lacks the capacity to commit the offences because of the dementia, but his conduct suggests he knows exactly what he is doing, and doesn't care. Otherwise he would be trying all the neighbours, and he would also show up when your mother had visitors. I wonder whether his family knows exactly what he is like, and is secretly hoping he will do something awful and be taken away by the authorities and they can wash their hands of him.

I'm not sure if the police operate a "second opinion" type of scheme where you can ask for someone else in the force to reconsider a complaint (like you can with the NHS) but I would be concerned that someone relatively low-level and inexperienced has been handed this matter to deal with and thinks they can just fob your mother off. We saw from the news yesterday that police ineptitude can have awful results, so if you can go with her (or, and I say this only partly cynically, arrange for a man to go with her instead or as well) I think it would be worth doing.

Thank you, this is really helpful.

The police officer had talked about harassment but in terms of ‘in normal circumstances… but as this man has dementia…’ I think your explanation of him targeting just DM is something I had not thought through. I will make call to the police.

I don’t think his family are hoping that this escalates. They want him at home, they do not want him living elsewhere and are reluctant to pay nursing home fees. I think they are in denial and at the minute are blaming DM, because that takes the accountability and responsibility off them.

I agree with the comments about police not reacting prior to incidents. It would be another investigation required, if he hurts her after reporting. Frustrating and worrying.

OP posts:

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 08/08/2026 17:12

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 08/08/2026 17:11

Make sure she has numbers to text them- or for you to text them, when he’s doing it. Every time, all of them. Make it their problem.

And don’t underplay her vulnerability. She’s 85, lives alone, and in any other context would be the most vulnerable person in the situation. She’s being harassed in her own home.

I meant to say, you can ask for a safety assessment for her given the situation. Ask the police or social services to visit and advise on safety, given the openness of the front gardens.

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 08/08/2026 17:11

Make sure she has numbers to text them- or for you to text them, when he’s doing it. Every time, all of them. Make it their problem.

And don’t underplay her vulnerability. She’s 85, lives alone, and in any other context would be the most vulnerable person in the situation. She’s being harassed in her own home.

Suzyloo · 08/08/2026 17:04

I wonder whether it would be worth another conversation with the police, perhaps with you there in support. I don't think they are correct that they can't act. He is already harassing her by going over and knocking on the door repeatedly, so it's different from someone going into a shop who hasn't stolen anything yet.

Section 1 of the Protection from Harassment Act 1997 says:

***

"1 Prohibition of harassment.

(1)A person must not pursue a course of conduct—

(a)which amounts to harassment of another, and

(b)which he knows or ought to know amounts to harassment of the other.

***

The section goes on to say:

***

"(2) For the purposes of this section section 2A(2)(c) the person whose course of conduct is in question ought to know that it amounts to or involves harassment of another if a reasonable person in possession of the same information would think the course of conduct amounted to harassment of the other."

***

Section 4 deals with putting people in fear of violence:

***
"4 Putting people in fear of violence.

(1)A person whose course of conduct causes another to fear, on at least two occasions, that violence will be used against him is guilty of an offence if he knows or ought to know that his course of conduct will cause the other so to fear on each of those occasions.

(2)For the purposes of this section, the person whose course of conduct is in question ought to know that it will cause another to fear that violence will be used against him on any occasion if a reasonable person in possession of the same information would think the course of conduct would cause the other so to fear on that occasion.

***

In your first post you said his wife blames your mother because he doesn't do it to anyone else. You also said that he waits until he can see there is no-one there with her and then goes over. He therefore seems, regardless of the dementia, to have identified your mother as someone he can target with this behaviour. The police might argue he lacks the capacity to commit the offences because of the dementia, but his conduct suggests he knows exactly what he is doing, and doesn't care. Otherwise he would be trying all the neighbours, and he would also show up when your mother had visitors. I wonder whether his family knows exactly what he is like, and is secretly hoping he will do something awful and be taken away by the authorities and they can wash their hands of him.

I'm not sure if the police operate a "second opinion" type of scheme where you can ask for someone else in the force to reconsider a complaint (like you can with the NHS) but I would be concerned that someone relatively low-level and inexperienced has been handed this matter to deal with and thinks they can just fob your mother off. We saw from the news yesterday that police ineptitude can have awful results, so if you can go with her (or, and I say this only partly cynically, arrange for a man to go with her instead or as well) I think it would be worth doing.

Original poster

MerrilyMoving · 08/08/2026 16:33

Suzyloo · 08/08/2026 14:55

"DM has asked the police for advice about this man coming to the house. They didn’t have a solution, just checked he hadn’t touched her, hurt her or vandalised anything. If he does she needs to call 999."

I'm very sorry your mother is going through this. The advice from the police seems ridiculous - someone can be harassed (as your mother is being) without being "touched", "hurt" or having their property vandalised. She is essentially a prisoner in her home. That can't be legal. I know she will probably be reluctant to ring 999 every time he does it in future, but she has no way of knowing whether he will give up with the knocking and go home, or will try something else . I'm not suggesting he would do anything, just pointing out that it would be legitimate to say to the police "I have no idea what he might do next" because that is true.

If he's wandering from his home when there are other people there, they must be ignoring or neglecting him, which is awful for everyone. But it's not your mother's problem to solve.

Yes, I was disappointed with the police response too, they can’t do anything until she is abused or hurt…🤷🏻‍♀️
But then again, if he were a shoplifter, for instance, the police couldn’t be involved because we ‘think’ a person is about to steal either.

The officer did suggest she rings and asks for an ambulance for him….passing the buck much?? - I couldn’t see that the ambulance service would attend..

OP posts:

Topseyt123 · 08/08/2026 15:29

They are absolutely out of order shouting at your mother like that. She has done nothing wrong.

I'd keep escalating this to either the police (it's harassment, whatever the cause) and to adult social services, or to both.

Adult Social Services may not have safeguarding concerns about your mother, but they might well about her neighbour, who is a dementia patient, escape artist and a flight risk. All quite common in dementia patients, DH's Grandma used to do this. It was only solved by her going into a secure care home.

I'm actually thinking that a good padlock on your mother's gate could be a good idea, with all of you and her having keys to it. My gates are all always padlocked anyway and I wouldn't leave them without.

Potatoepatatoe · 08/08/2026 15:07

Hey - what a sad story, the wife of the ndn is obviously not coping either and leaving them alone for long periods of time for respite? which is when these incidents are occurring - a number for her or family to alert them each time is a good idea as is ringing social services each time or police as is installing gates fences with locks - or a ring bell that’s connected to you so you can reply whenever they call or has a message on speaker, I am not in sorry rather than someone’s at the door - this might be a solution - dementia is so cruel possible neglect here if being left unsupervised is putting him - and your mother- at risk on some level - he can have a pendant so when he leaves the house the wife family are notified immediately or a sensor on door if won’t or even lock the door which is possible a deprivation of his liberty good luck

Rockfrock · 08/08/2026 15:05

I don’t think there will be repercussions for your DM.
I suspect the family only have a one-sided view but very soon they will have the whole picture once they actually try and care 1:1 for a DF who clearly is a regular escape risk.
Reassure your DM that she is absolutely entitled to her own safe space and there won’t be repercussions because the neighbours with the errant Dad actually will have more to worry about.

Original poster

MerrilyMoving · 08/08/2026 14:59

Shinyandnew1 · 08/08/2026 14:56

So is there no way of making her garden secure? They have suggested a padlock, where could it go?

The side gate, which leads to the side door (no front door) could be padlocked. This relies on a NDN’s fence.

The open plan front gardens and drive cannot be fenced.

OP posts:

Original poster

MerrilyMoving · 08/08/2026 14:57

Zapx · 08/08/2026 14:53

Good grief your poor mum! Have you ever been there when he’s done it? What happens if you answer the door?

No I haven’t been there.

At time when a friend dropped her back at home, he waited until the friend left in her car.

Another time he seemed to turn up just after another family member drove away after visiting.

OP posts:

Shinyandnew1 · 08/08/2026 14:56

So is there no way of making her garden secure? They have suggested a padlock, where could it go?

Suzyloo · 08/08/2026 14:55

"DM has asked the police for advice about this man coming to the house. They didn’t have a solution, just checked he hadn’t touched her, hurt her or vandalised anything. If he does she needs to call 999."

I'm very sorry your mother is going through this. The advice from the police seems ridiculous - someone can be harassed (as your mother is being) without being "touched", "hurt" or having their property vandalised. She is essentially a prisoner in her home. That can't be legal. I know she will probably be reluctant to ring 999 every time he does it in future, but she has no way of knowing whether he will give up with the knocking and go home, or will try something else . I'm not suggesting he would do anything, just pointing out that it would be legitimate to say to the police "I have no idea what he might do next" because that is true.

If he's wandering from his home when there are other people there, they must be ignoring or neglecting him, which is awful for everyone. But it's not your mother's problem to solve.

Zapx · 08/08/2026 14:53

Good grief your poor mum! Have you ever been there when he’s done it? What happens if you answer the door?

user85642879067 · 08/08/2026 14:51

MerrilyMoving · 08/08/2026 14:30

Sounds similar! My parents did not know this man before he became unwell. He didn’t do this when DF was alive. I know dementia can make people fixate or go back in time. Initially I wondered if this man had been a friend of the previous owner, where he frequently visited. His family said not.

The gardens are ‘open plan’ so a large grassed lawn but none of the houses and bungalows are allowed fences. I’m thinking a side gate would work, which would have to attach to her house and the side fence between her and her NDN. This would be locked.

I’m even wondering about some sort of bell that would jingle as he tries/shakes the gate it. It would give her warning of him (anyone) arriving and allow her to go indoors if she is outside in the rear garden.

I feel sad that her freedoms are going to be limited.

Edited

Show quote history

Maybe it’ll be better when it’s winter time, the cold might put him off! We definitely see our neighbour more in the summer months.
Do you use cameras/door bells yourself? We have Ring ones, you can have it set up on several phones so you’d be able to see what’s going on yourself if you wanted too. We also have one that’s just a solar powered camera without a doorbell on the other side of the house, and a motion sensor camera one the other side. It needs WiFi but works about 60m from our house. There’s lots of options! (This isn’t all to spy on our dementia chap - we live at our business site and have a lot of valuable kit about😂)

Original poster

MerrilyMoving · 08/08/2026 14:47

Rockfrock · 08/08/2026 14:42

I say raising a complaint to the Police every time it happens is the way to go.
When my DParents were at a similar stage, DF and DM became known to the Police three times in eight weeks. They were then escalated to an At Risk category and had a social worker assigned. Later on in their dementia-journey, DM was reported to the Police for crying for help in a public place.
These reports were incredibly helpful and positive for me and my DSis. We did not have POA and having other members of the public comment my DPs were struggling really helped us get the help they needed. Reporting is not necessary a negative- it can be constructive help .

I’m sorry you went through this and really appreciate your comments from the different view point.

I know we should all protect the neighbour too by referring (I have protected children in the same way) but just worried about the repercussions for my DM rather than me.

OP posts:

Rockfrock · 08/08/2026 14:42

I say raising a complaint to the Police every time it happens is the way to go.
When my DParents were at a similar stage, DF and DM became known to the Police three times in eight weeks. They were then escalated to an At Risk category and had a social worker assigned. Later on in their dementia-journey, DM was reported to the Police for crying for help in a public place.
These reports were incredibly helpful and positive for me and my DSis. We did not have POA and having other members of the public comment my DPs were struggling really helped us get the help they needed. Reporting is not necessary a negative- it can be constructive help .

Original poster

MerrilyMoving · 08/08/2026 14:41

Bestnottalkaboutit · 08/08/2026 14:36

You poor things, what a sad situation.

I think in this case you are going to have to take control/advocate for your poor Mum. She is at an age where the roles are changing and you need to take charge.

I’d definitely be going over to talk to the neighbours in person, without your mum. It will help to keep a bit of distance between the complaint and your mum (it is YOU complaining, rather than her). Also, you can mention in passing your safeguarding experience and say that as he is a vulnerable adult, you are duty bound to report any situation that occurs where he is a danger to himself (namely being outside, unsupervised).

Don’t be confrontational or threatening; just keep it factual and as friendly as you can in the first instance. A person constantly approaching and knocking at the home of an 85 year old woman living alone is not ok and something needs to be done to stop it. That is the key point.

Could their gate perhaps be made more secure as a start? So he can’t get out of his own garden/property? At least then if he wants to wander, he can do so safely.

It is absolutely NOT ON that they shout at her, that is just horrific.

Best of luck

Thank you, yes, I was thinking I would mention my safeguarding role and safeguarding being everyone’s responsibility’ (though one of his children is a teacher and should understand too), but be calm and quite detached - I call it ‘work mode’!

Could their gate perhaps be made more secure as a start? So he can’t get out of his own garden/property? At least then if he wants to wander, he can do so safely.
No they have the same property with no fences allowed. They have a side gate but he always comes out of his front door, even when his wife is at home.

OP posts:

catofglory · 08/08/2026 14:41

@MerrilyMoving I don't think Social Services would (as things stand) be interested in safeguarding your mother, as there is nothing to safeguard her from. Him knocking at the door is an annoyance but he hasn't done anything more than that.

SS would be looking to safeguard the person with dementia. Their concern would be him wandering and coming to harm. But unless there are other concerns about his care, I doubt they will do anything.

Bestnottalkaboutit · 08/08/2026 14:36

You poor things, what a sad situation.

I think in this case you are going to have to take control/advocate for your poor Mum. She is at an age where the roles are changing and you need to take charge.

I’d definitely be going over to talk to the neighbours in person, without your mum. It will help to keep a bit of distance between the complaint and your mum (it is YOU complaining, rather than her). Also, you can mention in passing your safeguarding experience and say that as he is a vulnerable adult, you are duty bound to report any situation that occurs where he is a danger to himself (namely being outside, unsupervised).

Don’t be confrontational or threatening; just keep it factual and as friendly as you can in the first instance. A person constantly approaching and knocking at the home of an 85 year old woman living alone is not ok and something needs to be done to stop it. That is the key point.

Could their gate perhaps be made more secure as a start? So he can’t get out of his own garden/property? At least then if he wants to wander, he can do so safely.

It is absolutely NOT ON that they shout at her, that is just horrific.

Best of luck

Original poster

MerrilyMoving · 08/08/2026 14:30

user85642879067 · 08/08/2026 14:22

We have a neighbour with dementia. He often comes and knocks on our door, they haven’t lived here all that long, 5yrs maybe so didn’t know them when he was okay. He babbles like a toddler, very insistent with whatever hes saying but you can’t understand him. He gets quite agitated at times. I used to answer the door, but now iIf i see him on the cameras I just ignore it and he wanders off. I’ll text his wife that he's out wandering.
Could you install Ring type cameras so your mum can see if he's there, and if hes knocking at the door she knows to ignore it.
How is he getting in the garden? Would a better higher fence or letting the hedges grow higher help? Locking the garden gate? Do your best to fence him out basically! I know you shouldn’t have to, but worth it to make your mum feel safe.

Sounds similar! My parents did not know this man before he became unwell. He didn’t do this when DF was alive. I know dementia can make people fixate or go back in time. Initially I wondered if this man had been a friend of the previous owner, where he frequently visited. His family said not.

The gardens are ‘open plan’ so a large grassed lawn but none of the houses and bungalows are allowed fences. I’m thinking a side gate would work, which would have to attach to her house and the side fence between her and her NDN. This would be locked.

I’m even wondering about some sort of bell that would jingle as he tries/shakes the gate it. It would give her warning of him (anyone) arriving and allow her to go indoors if she is outside in the rear garden.

I feel sad that her freedoms are going to be limited.

OP posts:

zurigo · 08/08/2026 14:26

This kind of thing makes me so angry! So your DM is blamed because this unwell man who almost certainly shouldn't be left home alone is pestering her; and no doubt nothing will happen unless he assaults her, which unfortunately could happen, since people with dementia can become violent.

If the police have told her to ring 999 when he follows her or bangs on her door then that is what she should do and hopefully, in the meantime, he won't harm her. Clearly he needs a referral to adult SS, but his own family are more interested in leaving him to roam and pester the neighbours than in taking responsibility for him. And yes, I would get a lock for the gate and a Ring doorbell (or similar) as hopefully both will help to keep your DM safe.