Balancing independence and safety for elderly parents as they become frailer

I'm sure it's not the same with your mum's friend but as the only person "responsible " for my mum with dementia who can't cook, wash or dress herself appropriately, forgets to eat and wanders off when unattended, the worry is constant and immense. As to her so called friends and the rest of the family they never visit her, contact her or even hardly ask me how she is getting on. And forget them asking how I'm coping with the stress! So when the time comes that she has to go into a care home my first priority will not be letting them know where she's gone. Since they never bother with her now, I will let them know when I'm ready. As you can probably tell, I'm very angry about the lack of support and feel very alone with all this nightmare.

Regarding your parents’ friend, 5 minutes on the Elderly Parents board will tell you that a frail person living with dementia isn’t doing any coping of their own at all - everything will be being arranged and managed by an unpaid carer somewhere, presumably her daughter, and that can be a massive worry and burden.

Although not telling her friends where she has gone is thoughtless I can understand how it happens. If she is no longer able to ask about her friends then her children may not register that her friends still care about her.

Don’t assume you will have any control over your parents’ actions as they age. Most people have full mental capacity when they die, and it’s their decision about how they live and what risks they choose to take, not yours.

If you think they are likely to develop dementia it might be worth having a conversation with them about what they would want for that - extending their life as long as possible regardless of quality of life, or powering through fast and risky and allowed a natural death? I’ve made my choice and being in England have been able to make it legally binding on my family and carers.

it’s not fair to cart someone off and leave no word with neighbours or friends. so disrespectful.

i’d be onto the care at home company asking if there is any point phoning round local homes to find her (GDPR would likely prevent them from saying where she is but they might say yes try, or no shes gone to a home 100 miles away near her children, so dont waste your time, or whatever).

when it’s time for my mum to go into one as shes falling repeatedly or dementia kicks in i will put a forwarding address on with the post office to my address so your mum could try writing to her friend saying things like “whats your new address”. if the daughter gets it via forwarding she will read it or the lady will.

It must always depend on the individual circumstances. I don’t understand why none of the friends, including your DPs, were told which nursing home your DM’s best friend had gone to. Is the elderly friend incapable of making a phone call? Is there some reason her family wants to cut her off from her former friends? I’m not surprised that the children aren’t in touch: I am surprised, though, that friend didn’t say anything either before or after her move to a nursing home. As far as your own parents are concerned, you know them as well as anyone else, and while they can remain independent, there’s no reason why they shouldn’t do so. There are also two of them. I can understand friend’s daughter worrying if she was on her own and becoming increasingly frail. Ultimately, though, so long as the parent is compos mentis, it should be their choice when or whether they move to a nursing home or similar.