Am I doing enough for my lonely elderly mum?

If she only visits her own husband once every 2/3 weeks I'd set your stsndard by hers. When my gran was similar, my grandad visited every day and was older. My mum every other day.

It sounds like she is rejecting every suggestion you have. You see her a minimum of once a week and you work so I think you do lots considering your lack of time.

When my FIL moved on his own at 85 from other side of the country to an area 12 miles from us ( and is very independent) but knew no one locally, I sneakily did the following - the town has a friendship club for over 65s that I saw advertised on a notice board - so I messaged the guy that runs it and asked him to tell me what it was about and ‘the mix’ ( it’s a quiz, very good cheap lunch , has a bar and coffees, occasional bingo, raffles etc , plus trips out -quite a wide age range and mix of sexes- I asked if he could possibly pop round with a leaflet and have a chat and make it look as if he was being invited to join - he s a great guy and I knew my FIL , who is also great, would like him - they had a good chat and he’s now been going twice a week for 8 months and enjoys it been on some trips too - I think he thought the health centre must have passed his details - eventually it came out when the guy said - oh your daughter in law told me that — my FIL though actually thanked me and said rightly if I had just given him the details he wouldn’t have gone. I wonder OP if there’s anything like this near your mum - ageuk run quite a few things and maybe someone could pop and tell her what it’s all about if they do!

I dont think you are responsible for how your mum lives her life. She seems to have got into a vicious cycle of sadness, inactivity and failure to provide interest and stimulation for herself - even from a routine of day to day things. 83 isn't particularly old. I know people in their 80s who are volunteering, gardening, walking, child minding etc. The first thing is that it's not in her interest for you to fill the gaps for her. You can only be a loving friend. An you encourage her to get medical help or counselling. She may be grieving the life she's lost with your dad in care. She may be clinically depressed. There may be something else going on. All this can be addressed with professional help. She has skills and attributes- after all she's lived 80 decades- so hopefully you can together find a way for her to take chargw of her life and seek help.

If she's feeling low, lonely and rejecting all ideas to fill her days, how's her mental health? Is she depressed? She's certainly suffering the long grief of loosing her husband to dementia.

Does she get out of the house? Walk? Swim? Garden? Would she speak to her GP and consider antidepressants or a talking therapy?

Could you pop in once or twice during the week after work for a coffee? It need only be for an hour, but would break the day up for her

What about a volunteer befriender? Have a look at Age Connects. My sister does it and really enjoys it

Has she discovered U3A?

They have lots of things on…

OP to answer your question I think you are doing enough

youre doing lots for her. i totally and utterly disagree with the poster that said youre not doing enough.

your mum is reaping what she sowed, she didn't keep up friendships or put in the effort to do things together with those people. or join clubs or associations or even the church lunch club or whatever is in your area for seniors. this was her decision.
this is the result. she is lonely and it’s her choice.

you cannot make up for her choices causing loneliness.

you are already doing a lot to help her. you cannot sacrifice all your free time to look after someone else. youll end up resenting them. they will grind you down. we are all entitled to freedom to choose our own life.

the MN cockroach cafe thread has good advice

So what do you do now. As you say you would only put effort if your mum was lonely, which reads you don’t actually do much. Apart from trying to shame someone doing a lot for their mum.

Could you mix up the routine a bit to give some variety? Eg cinema one evening instead of Sunday lunch? Countryside drive and a pub lunch one Saturday?

DH is a saint for ‘putting up’ with family life? What an odd view.

OP there is no right or wrong with time spent with your mum. If her practical needs are all in hand and you see her 1-2 times a week and she’s relatively independent it sounds like you are being a good daughter!

You do loads op. Blimey, you also work, and are entitled to some time to yourself! Your DH is a saint for putting up with it. She needs to find her own entertainment, you can’t do everything. Is she actually looking for you to ‘solve’ anything though, or is she maybe just looking for you to listen and chat, and is happy enough with that.

Unlike most people, I actually really like the elderly so, on that basis, I’d say no you’re not doing enough.

From your post I’m reading that you don’t want to give her any more of your time, which I find pretty sad for her.

My mum’s 82 and we never got on great (in fact I resented her a whole heap for a very long time) but I’d put in a lot of effort if she was unhappy or unwell.

It is frustrating isn’t it. We had an OT do an assessment. While looking at adaptations she covered loneliness. Mum said she was lonely but then rejected every suggestion. Even now in her care home she does not want to go in the day room for the activities - she complains that the other residents are old. She would never wear her hearing aids because she says they didn’t work. I suspect a hearing loss reduces her ability to participate. You can only do as much as our parents will accept. It sounds as if you are doing a lot of.

You do a lot in the time you have, she might not be asking anymore from you just expressing how she feels without wanting a solution but to get it off her chest. Age uk if still called that do a companionship service.