Am I doing enough for my lonely elderly mum?

I think it's one of those situations where whatever you do, it's never going to be enough.
I like the suggestion above that you throw it back when she complains about being lonely, and ask your mum what she's going to do, she needs to meet you half way. My parents relied entirely on each other to the exclusion of all other (including me and my brother, despite us inviting them to various things many times), so when mum died last year, my dad was lost and expected us to step in to entertain him. We did not.

I empathise and sympathise with you OP. By the sounds of it, you've exhausted most avenues and given plenty of options for her. But, as others have said, her problem isn't one that you have a responsibility to fix. My DM is the same; always looks to me for entertainment in her life rather than find her own. She's always been the same; never had an opinion of her own, never made a decision on her own, never maintained friendships (without being bitchy behind their backs 🙄)

In answer to your question, yes you are doing enough even if your DM is guilting you into feeling that you're not.

I think this is a bit harsh. The husband has advanced dementia, cannot speak and is asleep most of the time. When he’s awake it’s highly unlikely he recognises his wife. If daily visits were a comfort to your grandfather and mum then that’s fine, but it’s not really for the benefit of the person in the nursing home at that stage.

Are you an only child? We have a WhatsApp group so Mum can always get a response. The days I have no bandwidth in termtime are predictable as it is due to commitments with my kids, so a sibling makes sure to have a long phone call.
Other families I know do a long call to parents on the commute (driving!) or when walking the dog (late, without kids).

I'd focus on the hearing aid, as I think the rest will follow from that. I'd get someone she listens to (your DH?) to frame it as a courtesy to you. Then she will be able to participate in conversations (and possibly volunteering, u3a and choirs - but they are all hard if you can't hear!)

That's fab that you would put in the time etc even though you didn't get on with your mum - because 'you like old people'.

The OP has not said she doesn't get on with her mum and in fact sees her every single week - sometimes twice a week. She is working 4 days of the week .

How much more do you think she should be doing??

What about getting a volunteer befriender to befriend your DM? We had two that visited my MiL. They came on different days and did things with her in the house. One was a Seventh Day Adventist who tried to convert her, but that was fine as she had advanced dementia and just enjoyed the company and someone talking with her. The other one would often watch telly with her and talk about what they were watching. Your DM might be resistant to this, of course, but you can only do as much as you can do without burning yourself out. It's only going to become more demanding on you as she ages.

You are doing a lot OP. She really needs to help herself - is there a local tea n chat group she could join? Or a craft group?

Is she healthy enough to volunteer? Mum used to volunteer in a charity shop (she was younger but her health has gone downhill) , and an aunt volunteered in a church cafe.

You are doing enough OP.
I'd stop suggesting things, it's unlikely you're suddenly going to come up with the magic answer. I speak from my own experience of banging my head against that brick wall.

I think its fairly obvious that your mums been presented with many options and opportunities but will reject them all because you are her comfort zone. She doesnt want to go out, meet new people, find companionship and friendship on her own etc - at this stage of her life and with the patterns shes established thats far outside of her comfort zone. She wants YOU to step in and take this burden and solve her loneliness because thats what seems to be the easym logical and comfortable solution for HER. The problem is that this wont stop with poppin gin for a cup of tea on the way home after work. It will grow and grow until it consumes your life. Thats not right or fair - and it has nothing to do with 'actually liking elderly people' as the smug previous poster put it. Put in boundaries now and stick to them. You sound like a loving, present and involved daughter, but your mother does not have the right to take over your life.

And I have no patience at all with people who do not wear their hearing aids! I have worn them since I was relatively young as I lost the high range hearing early - I can't imagine why someone might reject them!

It is hard for you - I am widowed and live alone now as the children have left home. It's not what I would have chosen but it is what it is and I do everything to make sure that my AC do not feel burdened by my needs.

I lead a very busy life because I reach out and am involved in so many things, but if she is not willing to do that I do not know what you can do. There are only so many times you can suggest solutions for her if they are falling on deaf ears.

Your problem is that your mum is looking to you to meet all her social needs and you simply cannot do that. She does have to take some responsibility for this herself. 83 is not really very old - I run a community choir and 3 of the members are 90!

Does she have whatsapp? - my family and friends and I are chatting on that all the time. She might find that alleviates the loneliness a bit.

I used to volunteer with that service @Ilovemyfam .

Moaning about the choice of books was half the fun for them I think!

It could just be this, not looking for solutions just getting it off her chest.

Agree. As I have said in previous posts, I have lived this. I have already said that I suspect hearing was an issue. This thread has made me reflect and I wonder if the start of dementia was also a part. We never set out for a diagnosis. There didn’t seem a point, but I will always wonder if mum would have had more insight or acted differently if she was told that she has dementia. She would say “ha I don’t have dementia” if I ever broached it. The evidence was a bit obvious. BUT It was impossible to get her to an appointment as an outpatient anyway. Uber drivers might be helpful but they would not be happy having to help physically getting her into the car. Ironically she was an inpatient in the same building as they do the assessments. I requested an appointment while she was there but apparently the memory clinic was not for inpatients.

In her 70s and 80s mum did things like line dancing and WI. COVID came and then she was doing nothing. OP is this like your mum? So it might be depression or it might be dementia and hearing loss. It might be all. You end up with circular arguments. For my mum one of the discussions was about getting a volunteer from the library to bring new books. That was an obvious choice of a visit to the house when she loved reading. The suggestion was rubbished with excuses starting with them probably bringing the wrong books.

There are only so many things you can try. OP I feel for you

How about a cat? They're great company if you like them.

I also think you are doing enough and have suggested sensible things. Not interested in a single thing from U3A?!

@CarlyWhiteDuo firstly you have my sympathy and as previously suggested join us over at https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/5543019-cockroach-cafe-summer?page=18&reply=153804339

You are not responsible for someone else's happiness.

In my experience your mum is displaying learned helplessness. Rejecting all your great suggestions is her exerting control to ensure you keep trying, talking and worrying.

To the poster who really likes older people. Have you experienced an older person totally rejecting every sensible suggestion, throwing away food and clothes purchased to make their life better, lying to neighbours that they have no money because ‘BlueLegume has taken all my bank cards’, I have not.

Does that poster have a magic wand to wave to make elderly people who are difficult sweet and kind? Some of our elderly are difficult people. They likely always have been. They have an expectation that we as daughters/sons will step in and take them on like toddlers. They have little empathy in my experience that we are time poor.

This 100%

I think you’re doing a lot. And I ageee that her visiting her husband every 2-3 weeks is extremely telling.

I wouldn’t focus on her exact descriptions. She says she’s lonely/bored but I would say she is grieving and possibly clinically depressed. I wonder how her sleep is. Not that you need to pry into that. Can you exert some uncomfortable bossiness and bully her into seeing her GP? Email said GP beforehand and say you are concerned about her mood and lack of interest in anything since husband went into residential care?

I might identify a pleasant young teenager who needs to volunteer for Duke of Edinburgh, brief them a bit and ask her if she would let them volunteer in her garden? A bit if cheerful youth around, even if only to complain about, and the feeling of doing something for someone else, can lift things a bit.

We used a lovely care company, my DM was very reluctant but we started it when I went on holiday but focused it on helping me ‘I worry about you when I’m away so xxx is calling for for a cuppa’
they got on great, didn’t feel like a carer and we kept the visits up when I came home.

In fact she enjoyed seeing her as the chat was better than my daily/dull updates!

You are a good daughter and already make room in your life for your Mum. You do much more than many others. But remember we are not responsible for the actions of others. Increasing deafness is difficult but she won't wear her hearing aids. She could go out but chooses not to. She could have friends and friendship but doesn't want to.
You are not responsible for this behaviour. Your mum makes her own choices. Please stop feeling bad about this.
Just because people are older doesnt mean that they stop being responsible for what they do.

I think Age Uk offer a befriending service. Likely if you asked your Mum she would reflect it. So maybe don’t offer it as a choice. Just say it’s arranged. It can start as a bit of ironing and a chat. Something to try maybe?
I think you are being fair. You can’t be your mothers sole social outlet.

In the nicest possible way, gently throw it back on her to solve. If she says she's lonely, say something along the lines of "oh dear, that's a shame, what are you going to do about it?". No one person can solve someone else's loneliness, they need a range of interests and friends to do that, and you can't be that.

Fundamentally, she needs to engage to solve the problem, you can't do that for her. Totally get it's difficult to deal with though - suggest a lot of broken record responses as the above and changing the subject!

Is she still mobile - could you get her a dog? Brilliant for getting her out of the house and talking to people.
Or if not an animal person, could she volunteer at a charity shop or library? Maybe she doesn’t see herself as an elderly person needing ‘charity’ but would be happy to have some purpose.

Would she accept a call from the Silverline ? They have volunteers who call people for a chat . She sounds a bit depressed as she is refusing any suggestions. She is responsible for her own happiness and you seem to be doing your best to try and help.

It’s up to her to make more effort and frankly she’s being very unfair putting all this on you by refusing to engage with others. You are kind and give her as much as you can by the sounds of it - she’s very lucky to have you.

Is she a bit deaf? That can diminish sociability.

She needs a peer to sit down with her and tell her she is the one who is responsible for her own happiness. Does she have a sister or brother, or a cousin maybe?