Am I doing enough for my lonely elderly mum?

Yes tiring. I already got a text let her know what day Im coming next week. Siblings away. No clubs no nothing. Find she texting out boredom. I would love time to be bored.

It’s hard when you suggest things but they don’t want to do them. Is she still driving? That makes a big difference.

My MiL is 90 and long widowed and keeps herself busy. She gardens, swims, plays table tennis, paints, knits and embroiders. She belongs to the WI and the U3A. She loves cooking and baking. She recently gave up her allotment as the site was developed but she grows loads of fruit and veg in her garden and greenhouse.

My mum on the other hand, had no interests or hobbies whatsoever so found old age boring and pointless.

Agree with this post. My late DF had been very social but with lockdown and the fact he was the last of his friends alive he stopped making any effort. But he regularly complained about being bored and lonely. It was a struggle to get him to go anywhere except for medical appointments. He would say whatever he thought healthcare professionals wanted to hear, say yes to all their suggestions for joining things, doing physio, etc. But after he’d finished his appointment he’d just reject it outright and refuse to engage, cancelling anything that had been arranged.

I had to accept that as he still had capacity and knew me or my DSis would help facilitate any activities, we couldn’t force him and it was his choice to do nothing and also to complain.

I am in the exact situation with my mother since my dad died 5 years ago, it is really really hard and with the best will in the world you can run out of things to talk about! Its really doesn't get talked enough the companion side of taking care of an older relative and how it can be hard. I see my Mum about the same amount that you are , You are doing a great job in a tricky situation and wanted you to know that

Your right you cant force it. You have help yourself too. Only so much you can do in your week.. I cant push her into ladies clubs she doesnt want that. You will be lonely if you are super negative

If you call Age UK they might suggest people who can visit her for company - a befriender. My mum has one every week and another on alternate Sundays. Also some churches have social clubs for the elderly. Not sure how you can find these .

CAn you ask grandchildren to phone her now and then ? Can't think of any more. Give it a think..Good luck Op

You really like the elderly? All of them, even the ones you don’t know?

Thats very strange.

Eh? So I force my 80yo DM to do something she doesn't want to? I can't grab her by the neck and make her go for a hearing test. Or suddenly want to be more sociable and have other people in her life.
Yes I can order her online shopping or do the cleaning myself, but it's hard when you're the only support in someone's life.

@CarlyWhiteDuo yrs you are absolutely doing enough. Everything you suggest is not suitable, the only person who can change things is your mum and she clearly is not going to.

All you can do is bat things back to her, “I havent seen anyone” “why dont you try the lunch club/chair yoga/bingo” etc ad infinitum. Sounds like she might be someone who is only happy if she has something to moan about.

You cannot sacrifice your self and your family life to try and appease her.

So you see her every weekend and every other twice with lunch sat and sun

and then work during the week

maybe you can split her week up and see her a wee or Thur evening sometimes - pop in for a cuppa
but I get it’s not always possible

Yes you can. When people get old they stop being able to help themselves.

You can't help someone (of any age) who won't help themself.

She’s just very lonely. Being at home on your own 24/7 is isolating and boring.

You’re doing what you can. Would she consider retirement village/ assisted living nearby? Care homes are really good at - providing things to do and people to talk to.

Befriending services are great but it would still likely be only once a week.

Super ideas all. What do you do when you have suggested every last one of these and more, begged pleaded and cajoled them to get a hearing aid, researched the best local cleaning service, when you have no siblings, and they have no other family or friends that they engage with.
What then?
I visit most weeks and feel guilty I don't do more sometimes. And resentful that I feel guilty.

You can't help people who won't help themselves. We had this with MIL, she had loads of interests and friends in the area, but she refused to take any responsibility for keeping herself amused, every suggestion we made she rebuffed, every invitation she received from friends she refused.

Assuming she has no disabilities, you can't help her if she can't help herself.
If she isn't a social person then she will find herself alone a lot. Even social people do, as their friends die off.
She's old, not incapable. A bit of hard talking might do her good.

Says she not into chair yoga. Wont spend money lol. I said it would get you out... no

Op you can do no more. Ignore the nasty replies. Mine is negative so nobody really enjoys her company. I call Saturday sister does mid week. She did go away with ladies club but that got negative feedback as wants her hand held) Ive decided I can do no more she will never be happy anyway. 80s

@Breakfastinthesunshine that sounds ideal however from experience ’popping in’ can turn into staying for hours meaning your own family life changes. I speak from experience of having a hospitalised DF and a lonely mother who expected me to become her PA/cleaner/cook/shopper. And for all I did she criticised everything and demanded more and more of me.

It broke me.

Yes indeed , there's a day centre near me - a friend works there - and they do a whole variety of things. Art sessions, lunch get together, coffee groups .

I disagree, a relative's presence edges the service closer towards tip top care. Staff will.go the extra mile if the family are involved.

The trouble is that even though OP might be reassured that she is doing enough, the fact remains that her mother is on her own for the working week

OP states that she travels every day… but on days that she finishes work at a reasonable time, could she not pop in one day during the week for a coffee? This might be all it takes to make her mother less lonely

If the OP’s mother were a teenager with social anxiety, I suspect the responses here would be different

With my FILcwho I posted about below I think it helped it was framed as The friendship club’ - not elderly day care centre - and as it’s only 2 hours a time doesn’t feel like a day centre - a lot of old people know full well they are old , but really don’t want to be classified as such -

I think that you're doing what you can in regards to your mother. Your working 4 days a week and calling to see twice a week. She has told you that she is lonely.
Is there a local daycare centre that beings old people together for various activities, a chat with other people and meals/tea when they are there?

My feeling is that over the years your mother may never had many friends and was not keen on going places or doing things. Now she's in her current situation. Tell her that with work you can't call around more but then give her a list of things she could get involved with outside her home.
She needs to leave her house and meet new people because this will help her with her loneliness. It will give her something to do and she can look forward to this.

Your doing what you can but she has to be willing to help herself now.

I organised this for my “elderly” - they rang, said she had a lovely chat, really enjoyed it. Next week when they rang again she said not to bother, she didn’t need to chat to people she had me. Arrrgh!
Old peoples clubs were dismissed because they were full of old people, (she was early 90’s at the time…) I think sometimes you just have to let them get on with it, you can lead a horse to water and all that.
She did eventually have home help type carers and enjoyed their company, and grumbling about them to me! Could you get a carer in in the guise of a cleaner or similar OP? Just so she’s got someone else there regularly?