Am I doing enough for my lonely elderly mum?

The ironic thing is many of these elderly people often didn’t particularly support ‘their ‘ parents that much or expect such constant input , my FIL as an example was working abroad much of the time his parents and in his in laws were in their 70s and 80s - he didn’t feel he had to negotiate this delicately either-

If it’s “controlling” you’re not going to want to know are you? 😁

But who pops in for a coffee at 6pm?

I used to get comments about popping in for a coffee from an elderly neighbour. The reality was I was either travelling for work or WFH and the earliest I’d finish was about 5.30!

Plus nobody ever gets away with popping in for 20 minutes. It’s always a couple of hours minimum!

The choir is good but it fizzled after covid. I think my mam hasnt same energy now for things. 80s. You cant offer solutions if they dont want new change either clubs etc

Your mum might want to consider joining a local choir. I don't mean a choral society or anything too "serious" just a local community choir where there are no auditions and it isn't necessary to be able to read music and you don't even have to be a good singer, all you need is to enjoy doing it.

The choir that I belong to has several ladies in your mum's age group. We meet one evening a week and there's always a lot of chat and laughter. Some members go for a drink in the local pub afterwards, some meet up during the week for coffee and so on.

If that doesn't appeal, have a look at what's on for older people in her area. I recommend you join the local community Facebook group and ask on there.

Clearly you have experience. It seems to me though you are unfamiliar with the Elderly Parents thread. Most people end up here through frustration and desperation in need of a vent or simple support acknowledging elderly parents are not a breeze.

@Aluna I am unsure if you re read your post. Knowing how to ‘manage people and get them to do things they don’t want to’ is not something to be proud of. It is controlling.

I too have life experience ‘managing people’. That did not stop my mother and father defying every ounce of common sense ideas and suggestions I made. If anything they defiantly went against common sense.

You should share some of your success then the rest of us can learn.

I’ve got one parent with heart failure and late stage dementia; and one with severe arthritis, osteoporosis who keeps falling and breaking things, she’s also depressed and emotional.

I know how to manage people though and get them to do things they don’t want to. My dad was a learning curve with dementia, took me a while but I figured it out.

BlueLegume your right. The mary poppins is not reality for most!! Its def tiring week in week out dealing with her. My sisters away this wend so falls to me. Most are mentally drained from it all.

@aluna your posts are very Mary Poppins cheery. The cold reality many of us on here live with is utter negativity and stubborn refusal to attempt to help themselves. If you read the post you will see an earlier one of mine. I literally gave up my life and family to support my elderly father in hospital- now in a nursing home - and support my mother who decided she could no longer do anything.

It broke me. That was my reality. I will never be the same again despite trying to piece myself together. Some elderly people are very selfish.

A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down.

Re hearing test - OP can ring up DM’s GP and tell them she can’t hear. The GP can call her in for a “general checkup”, check her ears for wax or infection, and refer her for a free hearing test with an NHS audiologist.

DM is more likely to obey a doctor.

Great ideas on this thread but you can't fix someone that wants to be entertained all the time by someone else. My own mother is 10 years your mothers junior and is like this. Interested in nothing, won't go anywhere, has dropped all friends over the years but looks to me and the rest of us to fill in her boredom.
I'm making a list for my own advancing years though as I dread the thoughts of ending up the same!

GPs can allocate people to free weekly exercise classes

To help prevent falls, improve mobility & socialise

Or you can find one she can attend

This sounds really hard OP. My parents are a similar age to your DM and whilst they are OK at the moment I can see me in a similar situation to you if DF were to go first.

I think I'd try and avoid being seen as the person who should provide solutions to her. If she says she's lonely maybe try a response like 'yes, you've said that few times now. Have you had any thoughts about what you could do to meet people since we last spoke?'

If she has no ideas I might resort to 'You seem unhappy and yet you're also dismissing any ideas that might help. I'm worried about you and think you may be a bit depressed. Shall I make an appointment with the GP and see what they suggest?'

In the case of my DM I know she'd back off seeing the GP but it's a way of pushing back and making it clear that your role isn't to provide answers to this.

How about she researches her family tree. I know several people who have enjoyed doing this.

Or

Write her life story

Age uk have a community agent scheme. It may be a good idea if so on ‘ neutral’ goes through what is available and perhaps gently challenge/ persuade her to be engaged.
Age UK Community Agents are local support workers who help older people connect with social activities, wellbeing services, and community groups. They primarily assist individuals who feel lonely or isolated by offering home visits, phone calls, and guidance on local transport or personal goals. about:blank 1] It’s available country wide, not use southeast I believe,
How Community Agents Help

• Home visits & calls: Staff or volunteers talk through personal interests and goals over the phone or in person.
• Local connections: They link residents to nearby social clubs, groups, and practical support services.
• Overcoming barriers: They offer advice on transport options and ways to build confidence in meeting new people. about:blank 1]

Accessing the Service

• Local availability: This is a localized scheme run by specific regional branches (such as Age UK West Sussex, Brighton & Hove) rather than a universal nationwide program under that exact title. about:blank 1, 2]
• National advice: You can find out what specific wellbeing or outreach schemes operate near you through the Age UK Services Locator or by calling the free national Age UK Advice Line at tel:0800 678 1602 0800 678 1602. about:blank 1, 2]

There is a Japenese word for it

Your DM needs a purpose in life

Can she make blankets for a good cause

Or knit the little hats that go on top of Innocent drinks (I have knitted these)

Or make something else that she would enjoy doing ?

What about a pet ?
She could foster a cat or dog ?

What about volunteering, reading wiith children at local school ?

Gardening

Go to local library & find local clubs or volunteering or look on local Facebook groups

Baking

Exercise -there are special sessions for elderly

Dear @CarlyWhiteDuo i read your post earlier and have been thinking about it today.

I think you are doing a lot - and being a great daughter. I don't think this is about you.

She may be mildly depressed. This age is difficult. She is grieving her partner and all the complexity that brings when dementia is involved. She is contemplating the next big life event hurtling towards her - her own mortality. I appreciate there are some amazing women out there who can keep going and continue to find joy and purpose but for some it is harder.

Perhaps before she can find energy and momentum to tackle new hobbies and push herself forward, she may need a visit to GP, some CBT or grief therapy, blood tests or even a course of anti depressants?

Perhaps you could encourage that?

I don't think this is about you finding more things for her, but enabling her to find a bit of energy or zest for her eighties so she can motivate herself again.

good luck OP - i feel im right behind you x

Indeed, how do you help when suggestions or offers are refused?

I don't really understand your point @Aluna. The OP has suggested a bunch of stuff to her DM, which the DM doesn't want to do.

What are you suggesting then if it's not forcing her to do stuff?

I cant make her go to clubs. She doesnt want to. I respect that. My mil did bridge or bingo. My mam hates those

What is all this about force? You can help people when they can’t help themselves.

Help is what I said.

Does sound rather like shed rather just have a moan. Resist the temptation to suggest solutions or fall for heavy hints.

"Oh I feel so low and lonely today"

"Oh, I m sorry to hear that"

"I feel really fed up"

"Oh dear, that's tough.."

"I wish you could come over more often"

"You see us twice a week Mum, you know that's all we can manage."

"But what can I do?"

"Im not sure, what do you think you could do?" [Do not make any suggestions at this point]

"Oh I don't know. Im just really lonely"

"Well I am sorry to hear that. Hope you feel more cheerful tomorrow, love you, bye bye."

It's no more ok to attempt to force them into something than any other adult!