Is this lack of communication normal when a parent moves to respite care?

Your partner needs to get off his arse and contact the care home, ask how his dad is, bring him some clothes etc. I can’t understand why your partner isn’t more proactive and making sure his dad is ok.

OP, has your partner or his mother been in contact with the nursing home yet, or visited their DF/DH?

While you're all arguing about whose role it is to call, this poor man is in an unfamiliar place, unwell, and with no-one knowing anything about him.

I would have cracked long ago (not that I'd have needed to as my late DH would have been there like a shot, had he still been with us).

Yes, this is bizarre. When my MIL was moved from hospital to respite care, my SIL was there within an hour of her mum's transfer. And if she hadn't been able to, I would have (my DH died, before anyone says 'why not your DH?)

Your DH seems to be playing chicken with the care home. Who's going to crack first? When what really matters is his dad's welfare.

As others have said, no the situation is not normal. What is not normal is your partner not picking up the phone to speak to the care home.

You understandably do not want to get involved because it is not your dad, so leave your (useless sounding) partner to deal/fail to deal with it.

My mother was in a care home and so was my MIL. I dealt with everything for my own mother, and my OH dealt with everything for MIL. I didn’t get involved with MIL’s care at all, in fact I couldn’t even tell you the name of her care home.

For me, the normal things would be a family member would help with transition to hospital to care home. Make sure they are settled in, filling in the home on likes/dislikes/routines, take in comfy clothes (with name labels), toiletries, a few small bits from home to make it familiar, a tin of biscuits and sweets (or similar) plus provide a radio and maybe something to read or audio books. Why has nobody been to see him or made contact??

Why on earth haven’t you yelled at him to phone the care home! What an utterly selfish stupid man. You realise if you fall ill later in life this is how he’ll be? How can you stand to be with such a man.

I don’t understand why you think it’s shocking that they haven’t communicated. Maybe they don’t have the contact info, or maybe they are surprised (or not) that no-one has been in touch and maybe they are just busy caring for the residents. But if you/your DP don’t make any effort to be in touch I think it’s not a helpful attitude towards the care home to start off critical.

My experience was that we didn’t always agree with the care home staff but overall it was good. We found email useful, partly because we were all working so couldn’t take calls much.

I don’t understand why you think it’s shocking that they haven’t communicated. Maybe they don’t have the contact info, or maybe they are surprised (or not) that no-one has been in touch and maybe they are just busy caring for the residents. But if you/your DP don’t make any effort to be in touch I think it’s not a helpful attitude towards the care home to start off critical.

My experience was that we didn’t always agree with the care home staff but overall it was good. We found email useful, partly because we were all working so couldn’t take calls much.

Has your partner been to the hospital and visited him and talked with the staff?

Honestly your DP sounds utterly useless. How hard is it for him to at least pick up the phone and ask the care home if his DF is there and if he is settling in ok. I had to move both my DPs to a care home earlier this year and DH and I are there often, making sure they have toothpaste, clothes and gluten free biscuits for DM. I often have to advocate to make sure they are getting regular chiropody treatments etc. I feel very sorry for those residents with few visitors as I don’t know how they get these things sorted.

FWIW DH has been a great help with my DPs and as he is retired, goes to visit them each week on top of my visits. But that’s because he wants to, not because I forced him. I totally understand your reluctance to take control of the situation and it feels like there is some deep rooted misogyny there that he expects you to do it.

I am a little confused on the finances- I assume DF will pay for his own care , not yourselves if a bill does arise ? Care homes are ludicrously expensive ( considering DPs seems mostly staffed by minimum wage staff who speak poor English and don’t seem to want to be there).

its not you who appears selfish.

I think your partner is taking a very passive approach to this. Care homes have a million and one things to do. Most don’t get time for a cup of tea and wee let alone spending time ringing around trying to find a relative of their new arrival. Lots of people end up in care homes as they have no family or family that take no interest. If your partner wants some involvement he needs to be proactive and ask for updates, provide them with information about his dad’s preferences and build a relationship. Otherwise carers will just assume the family aren’t interested crack on with their jobs.

Late DH had a period in residential care after a hospital stay. He got it funded, I think for a month. I couldn't have him home as I was dealing with my mother's death the other side of the country. But yes, he should have clothes from home. I made sure he had enough soap, toothpaste etc. Home didn't contact me, think I rang a couple of times and visited when I could. He really enjoyed it.

But as you say, not your parent and you can't be responsible for making your partner do the right thing, that is NOT on you my love. But put it this way, my dad had emergency surgery a few months back - he was admitted via A&E and I got the call when I was having an eye test. I couldn't drive because I had that dye in my eyes that made me look like a serial killer with mad pupils... I got the train... it took six bloody hours because of railway replacement buses. But I got there, made sure he was comfortable. Went back the next day in my mum's car to give him extra bits he realised he wanted after and to see him before the operation. Then we both went back to get him the next day. I know people have complicated relationships with their parents and maybe I am luckier than most that I love mine, but no way would they leave hospital without me there if I could be there. Would take heaven and earth for me not to be there. Leaving hospital for older people can be very confusing and difficult - and that's if they are going back to their usual residence. If it were me and my partner were behaving in this way (I think his excuse for not calling is fairly pathetic if I am honest) then I would really be reconsidering my relationship with him. You shouldn't have to do everything, he could do the bare minimum... and he's not, is he?

Your partner is being rubbish. Usually a family member is there to help with the transition from hospital to the home. Waiting for people to tell you stuff when they are actually the ones doing the stuff is lazy and uninvolved. Not pointing this at you by the way… but your partner can’t be arsed to pick up the phone let alone visit? Unless there’s a massive drip feed coming as to why he can’t then he just comes off as not caring.

Reenablement care should still be funded:

https://www.nhs.uk/social-care-and-support/care-after-a-hospital-stay/care-to-support-recovery-after-leaving-hospital-or-after-a-fall-injury-or-illness/