Is this lack of communication normal when a parent moves to respite care?

if I were DP, I’d suggest to his parents, or if he has financial poa, I would set up a separate bank account or savings account in his mother’s name, and put 50% of their savings into it now. I have heard that say they had £20,000 in savings in a joint account, the local authority would insist £10,000 was used to pay for his father’s care, but then when the savings got down to £10,000, the local authority would say half, £5,000 was his and could be used to pay for his care. It’s better to protect his mother’s half share now. I can’t see any downside to it?

Thank you. It's not all roses - we avoid staying in each others houses as we drive each other mad, and living in different cities and even continents is great for keeping out of each other's hair. However we are close and loving and don't allow schisms to develop. We seem to have this thing of unquestioningly stepping up in times like this. We just do it, no matter what. DP's family is exactly the same.

You need to be less available. Take some control back. He doesn’t get to insist on anything.

This is the problem when you are a good person, it’s hard to just stand by . But some men seem more than able to manage it.

Do label all his clothes! It's very easy for clothes to be lost when they're laundered. And of course it makes like very difficult for the staff to reunite residents with their freshly washed clothes if they aren't name labelled.

Each of my parents ended up in a care home, one from hospital and one from home. Both times, one or other sibling was present frequently. On day one we supplied a little folder with their immediate family tree (with mugshots), brief lists of preferences, latest medical info, property list, contact details including LPA, ‘do not resuscitate’ and living will copies. I doubt the staff had time to read most of it, if at all, but still. We were in and out with anything they needed, and helped the staff where we could. We did all their financial admin and set up TV, phone etc. We were explicit that if they felt we were interfering, the staff could tell us to back off or, alternatively, to do more. We were all working full time and lived between three hours and thirty-six hours journey away. In our case we had (a) total sense of commitment, (b) supportive families of our own, and (c) consistently good family relations all round (meaning able to resolve disagreements rather than to avoid them). We often worried we’d become a nuisance, and tried not to get under the staff’s feet. Most were happy to be open about what they wanted from us. Flexible working, family support, good relationships and no money worries made a difference for us. None of it was plain sailing - transport delays, dementia, bowel accidents, staff run off their feet, policies and procedures to learn. I’m just rambling really, but I do hope things can improve for you, OP. I think your sense that their actual child (your DP) has primary responsibility is correct. They seem to lack the sense of commitment that others often have. Different family dynamics perhaps.

While it may be, nobody can afford to buy a whole new wardrobe, going into a care home; but going forward, get DP to buy their father cheap, comfortable clothes like jogging bottoms, t shirts or polo tops, etc, because they are easier for the staff to take off; and nice clothes may get ruined in the 60 degrees c washes and tumble driers, care homes may use for hygiene reasons.

It depends how confused DP’s father is, but a photo album of the family may be nice to make him feel at home.

It seems on MN that some people think, if their loved one goes into a care home, that’s it - they will be taken care of, and are off their hands. Unfortunately, that’s not true ime. For a start, relatives need to buy new clothes and toiletries from time to time and administer the finances. In DD1’s case, I give the care home, a chunk of money from her benefits for toiletries, icecreams, books, whatever she wants within reason, when she’s out in the community. We get her clothes and make big purchases like a new tv for her room. The care plan should be reviewed after the first six weeks, and at least annually thereafter. If the loved one does not have mental capacity, there may be quite a few best interests decisions to be made.

For instance with DD1, it’s agreed she’s under audio and video monitoring, when she’s in her bedroom alone (for a life threatening condition). There’s the question of whether she has capacity to spend her own money in shops, etc (yes, she does); or can she go online safely (no, she has no idea what she could get into)?

Apologies. I knew it isn't your dad and I had already made other posts about your partner's role in this. But I clearly had a brain blip in the post you quoted.

My advice is still the same for whoever in the family needs information about the finances for the respite care. Age UK is excellent.

OP - you say he’s a self funder so did the social services do a financial assessment? They should have done. With couples only half of anything ‘joint’ can be counted for threshold purposes (which iirc is £23,500). Your partner or his mother should have had a copy of the card and support assessment which should include a financial assessment - it’s a legal requirement that a copy of this is given.

So your DH is just sitting back and waiting for the home to contact him? How odd!

They will assume he’s not interested.

What does DH “insisting” you are very involved in ILS care look like? I don’t like the sound of him tbh.

I can answer this - the Care Act 2014 does not exclude self funders - they are just as entitled to hospital discharge processes as everyone rose - so an assessment of needs etc. POC are not an uncommon outcome for self funders with eligible needs - we help self funders with eligible needs source services all the time

Age UK are excellent at this stuff. They have an advice line that you or your dad can call.

When I needed advice re my mum, the person on the other end was so helpful. It's like she had all the time in the world for me. And she followed up with some booklets that spelled everything out clearly.

Does your DH not realise that only half of his parents savings should be used to pay for his DFs care?

I would expect the care home to be setting up a care plan for DP’s father, and to do that, they need to speak to DP. DP needs to be proactive in this, otherwise the care home are not going to know for instance, that the father is a vegetarian - the staff could well be offering him non vegetarian food. I would suggest DP does an inventory of the father’s clothes, incontinence products (if applicable) and other personal possessions. Any or all of them could go missing?

MIL was moved to a care home after a hospital stay. I don’t recall the care home discussing the care plan with DH, so the staff were offering MIL, food and drink she couldn’t stand and wouldn’t eat in any circumstances. The family had to supply her incontinence pants, and every time, the staff moved her to another room, all her packs of pants in the bottom of the wardrobe disappeared. We could find her in clothes, that weren’t hers. There was a tv in her room ,but no remote, so she couldn’t use it - we had to go out and buy her a remote. DP shouldn’t expect care staff to use their initiative - they have to advocate for their father.

I was advised by someone with more experience than me of the elderly in care homes, that if relatives make themselves visible to the care staff, their loved one and the other residents are likely to get better care.

DD1 is in a care home. Her care plan is over 50 pages long - her diagnoses, a pen portrait of her; then it goes through the stages of an ordinary day with what she can do herself and when she needs help, like with getting up and dressed, breakfast, bathing, lunch, dinner, supper, bedtime; then her vision, hearing, mobility, moving and handling needs, food likes and dislikes, activities she enjoys, etc. I don’t know that a care home for the elderly would have such a long care plan, but I’d expect it to cover the basics?

Perhaps you should. Do you not recognise how utterly dreadful he is being? A really nasty little person. How can you have any respect as a partner with someone like that?