Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Elderly parents
Original poster

Care at home, not sure if it’s the right care, so drained by it all.

133 replies

CateyeKate · 08/07/2026 10:48

Sorry, this may be a long ramble and I apologise in advance but looking for advice or others lived experiences with this kind of thing.

My mum is 83 and has advancing Alzheimer’s. She lives at home with our 85 year old dad who does his very best but at the same time he is very stubborn and difficult to deal with (I have written about him in the past).

All was going ok (ish) until this time last year when mum fell in the garden, splitting her forehead open, dislocating her knee, breaking her hand and worse still, fracturing her neck. The doctors at hospital gave a depressing prognosis and we were expecting her to die within hours but she didn’t (poor mum has a strong will to carry on). She ended up in a hospital ward which was so detrimental for her dementia. She went into hospital fully continent but obviously there is no one to one care and because the smash to her head caused concussion she couldn’t tell them she needed to go so would let her soil the bed and then just clean her up. This was fine for them as they have staff on hand but it has been an absolute nightmare for us because she has been double incontinent ever since.

She was discharged a month later with an at home discharge care package for a month. This lasted two weeks and we had to let them go, they would turn up at all times of the day, sometimes not coming until 11am for the first visit then 11pm for the last, or coming early and putting mum to bed at 5pm and there were a few occasions when they didn’t turn up at all. We had to get mum’s previous carer in (she used to come every morning and help mum shower), she was happy to come back onboard but only wanted to do the morning visit Mon-Fri and wasn’t confident doing it on her own so we agreed she could come with a carer friend (I know this lady). So we then had to scrap around finding someone for an afternoon visit, evening and weekend care. Tbh, it needed to be done quickly and in hindsight we went about it all the wrong way, we should have gone with a care company but my friend knew a friend etc and so on top of the two morning carers we have ended up we a group of 4 other people who are all self employed but come together to work on occasions. They are all lovely people and whilst mum was bedbound and we genuinely thought she didn’t have long left it worked well but over the months mum started to pull out from this concussion type situation where her dementia seemed to have greatly exacerbated, she was able to walk (aided) with a frame to and from the bedroom, bathroom and lounge and was able to sit in her recliner chair in the lounge every day and that has now become her daily routine. The first two carers come every morning, toilet her, shower and dress her and take her to sit in her recliner. The next visit is around 2pm when two of the other carers come and take mum to the toilet and change her pull up (she has often soiled herself or needs the loo), then the same two come around 7.30pm, toilet mum and put her to bed.

My sister and I come round all the time and help with everything apart from the personal care.

Before this disaster mum was going to a day centre twice a week where she flourished. Dad is very tight with money (always has been) and hated spending money for this but after much perseverance we managed to get him to agree mum could go back once a week, my sister and I were very concerned how boring it must be for her sitting in her chair day in and day out. So she went back once a week from last October, the lovely ladies there come and collect her and bring her back. This gives mum a different change of scenery and dad some hours to himself. Sadly, in January of this year mum ended up in hospital again due to an infection, which they never did get to the bottom of so I fought to get her out asap to avoid a repeat of last year’s disaster. Dad made a big song and dance that she shouldn’t go back to the day centre as it was costing him so much (£100 per day) and as her dementia is advanced now she probably doesn’t take anything in (this couldn’t be further from the truth) and he’s already spending a fortune on care. Admittedly it does cost a lot - two carers three times a day is costing just around £1000 per week.

However, we have managed to persuade him to agree for mum to go back and over the last few weeks she has been going every Friday.

The problem is that we don’t think it’s enough to occupy mum. Apart from this once a week ‘treat’ she is still just sitting in her recliner all day, every day and imo, looking throughly bored, she sleeps a lot which dad says is because she’s unwell but when I spend time with her I put music on YouTube and she sings and moves her feet around, dad just sticks day time crap on tv (often the bloody news) then potters about the garden and house and pops his head in now and then and inevitably she’s asleep, I mean who wouldn’t in that situation?. When I’m there I do also try to get her in her wheelchair and in the garden (although that has been tricky with these heatwaves). The other day I got her onto her frame and walked her up and down the hallway and she seemed so lifted and was quite animated. Poor mum cannot communicate since last years fall and only says a few words so I worry constantly that she is frustrated yet can’t say.

The carers are all wonderful but being self employed they need as much work as possible and they seem to come in, get the job done and leave asap to go do their next job. They never ask my dad if there is anything else he wants help with or offer to make a drink or some lunch etc. My concern also is they often charge for an hours work when in all honesty they’ve only done, say 40 mins. Also the two how come in the mornings work the exact same hours yet one puts in the exact time she’s worked but the other rounds everything off to the nearest hour so we end up paying her more per month than the other yet they work exactly the same time. I know we need to say something but it’s awkward as they are friends of my best friend.

Is this all normal for care? It’s something way out of our life experiences and we are not sure if we should be asking for more? My sister and I want try a care agency because having so many fingers in the pie as such is quite exhausting. I have some carers requesting payment monthly yet others want it weekly, I did say the other week I wanted to pay everyone monthly but some made a fuss and said they only want to be paid weekly. Also one of the morning carers goes on holiday a lot so we are always having to ask the others to cover her. I don’t know what to do tbh, dad is elderly and gets confused with it all, my sister works full time and I have my own health issues I’m trying to deal with. It’s all so very stressful.

In an ideal world we would find mum a lovely local care home but dad will have non of that, he won’t even agree to respite care so I’m thinking do we stay as we are and limp long but then poor mum is just stuck in the lounge most days or do we get a care company in?

It’s all so so draining, mum was diagnosed 8 very long years ago. I truly hate dementia and the ripple effect it has on everyone.

OP posts:
Sparklechoppy · 09/07/2026 08:08

There isn’t a lot you can do if your Dad is going to decline all ideas/offers. It is really common for people not to want to pay as they are concerned with maintaining hard worked for savings and being left vulnerable. It is also really common declining care home even in almost crisis situations. Do either of you have POA etc in case your Dad loses capacity

Original poster
CateyeKate · 09/07/2026 07:52

Wofflewaffle · 09/07/2026 06:43

Good. So why does your dad talk about spending ‘his’ money on care for your mum? If it’s in her name and coming from her account?

what income does she have in her name?

with the LPA, you say it’s joint. Does that mean that three people always have to agree? Or can two outnumber one?

On the carers, honestly it sounds ridiculously complicated and I’m not surprised you find it hard to manage. But it also sounds like the basics are covered - she’s fed, watered, toiketed, kept clean, dressed and undressed, given the correct medication at the correct time. I’m afraid that’s generally what carers are there to do. ‘Enriching’ activities or exercise for people who are severely disabled and demented are generally beyond the remit of visiting carers.

If you want more, then it has to be provided by family, or someone paid specifically by family to do this - like the day centres or a carer engaged specifically for this. In care homes, single songs etc are happening anyway.

Does your dad care if your mum is bored? Does he think she is?

For you, you have to decide what you can sustain and stop there. You cannot provide entertainment to your mum all the time. Yes that’s sad, no she doesn’t deserve to be bored in a chair, but entertaining a demented elderly woman with very limited mobility is, bizarrely enough, a job for a professional. Someone who’s paid to do it because it’s hard and boring and takes forever for very little reward. I wouldn’t do it. The truth is that it appears that you are more emotionally invested in your mum than anyone else around you, and you can’t do it all. So either you pay someone using YOUR MUMS money, or she is left bored - but basically cared for.

Show quote history

Re:- POA, we are all listed, dad, my sister and I but dad is main attorney.

This is why I get so frustrated with dad when he moans how much money 'he' is spending on care, day centres etc because everything is paid for out from mum's accounts, her AA and pension. I point this out to him all the time but he sees mum's money as their money and as it's now dwindling he gets annoyed. He also worries if mum's savings are exhausted he will need to dip into his savings, I've told him that's not the case but he still stresses over this all the time. Twenty five years ago when my mum's parents died she was left a lot of money (mum is an only child) which they invested and I think my dad has become so used to seeing big figures in his statements that it now irks him because they are spending out so much money on carers etc. He believes because he's worked all his life they should be entitled to help, he says this all of the time. It's draining.

This is exactly why we have been pushing my dad for mum to now go into a care facility, she does far better at the day centre than at home, where there are many things going on:- there are the staff, other dementia patients, visual and auditory stimulation etc. She really does perk up during these times but dad can't see it, he simply says she is demented now and does care about this or that when I know that couldn't be further from.the truth. Take today for instance, I sit with mum every Thursday afternoon so dad can go out. When I get there you can almost bet your bottom dollar mum will be snoozing with the TV on some crappy day time channel, I will change it over to YouTube where I will find some music from.her youth (60's etc) and within minutes she is more alert and animated which goes to show mum is not sleeping, she is bored but dad just can't or won't acknowledge this.

OP posts:
Original poster
CateyeKate · 09/07/2026 07:35

We (dad, sister and I) all have poa (health & welfare and financial) but dad is listed as the main attorney.

OP posts:
Wofflewaffle · 09/07/2026 06:43

CateyeKate · 08/07/2026 21:30

My parents joint savings were split when mum was first diagnosed and we did everything through their solicitors and dad's FA.

Show quote history

Good. So why does your dad talk about spending ‘his’ money on care for your mum? If it’s in her name and coming from her account?

what income does she have in her name?

with the LPA, you say it’s joint. Does that mean that three people always have to agree? Or can two outnumber one?

On the carers, honestly it sounds ridiculously complicated and I’m not surprised you find it hard to manage. But it also sounds like the basics are covered - she’s fed, watered, toiketed, kept clean, dressed and undressed, given the correct medication at the correct time. I’m afraid that’s generally what carers are there to do. ‘Enriching’ activities or exercise for people who are severely disabled and demented are generally beyond the remit of visiting carers.

If you want more, then it has to be provided by family, or someone paid specifically by family to do this - like the day centres or a carer engaged specifically for this. In care homes, single songs etc are happening anyway.

Does your dad care if your mum is bored? Does he think she is?

For you, you have to decide what you can sustain and stop there. You cannot provide entertainment to your mum all the time. Yes that’s sad, no she doesn’t deserve to be bored in a chair, but entertaining a demented elderly woman with very limited mobility is, bizarrely enough, a job for a professional. Someone who’s paid to do it because it’s hard and boring and takes forever for very little reward. I wouldn’t do it. The truth is that it appears that you are more emotionally invested in your mum than anyone else around you, and you can’t do it all. So either you pay someone using YOUR MUMS money, or she is left bored - but basically cared for.

MissMoneyFairy · 08/07/2026 23:01

How many of you hold lpa for finances and also welfare,if it's 3 of you then how do you make decisions on her behalf , what does it say on the lpa forms

tsmainsqueeze · 08/07/2026 22:16

OneNaiceSnail · 08/07/2026 12:36

As a carer (literally on my way to start my lunch round now) I wouldn’t recommend a care home, but she needs FAR better carers than a what she’s got now. Am I understanding correctly that she has 3 calls a day? And they’re an hour each? To compare I have a lady today that has a 1 hour call in the morning, then 45 min calls for lunch and dinner, then a 30 min call for bed. She has Huntington’s so is not the best with mobility, has little to no speech and is very stubborn. But this morning for her hour call I coaxed her into the shower (that’s the hardest part), she had a full wash, hair washed, teeth brushed, clean clothes and pad. Hair fully blow dried afterwards. I got her settled into her chair in front of tv for now. I made her 2 breakfasts after she rejected the first one and a few drinks. Housework wise I made the bed, opened blinds, did dishes, put a wash on. When I do the lunch call now I will change her pad, put sun cream on her, bring her out into the shaded area of the garden, make her lunch which she’ll have outside on the tray, hang the washing out, steam clean the chair she sits on which gets very messy. I’ll sit and spend whatever time is left with her and then bring her back inside (another big battle as she loves it outside). Dinner call is similar, I’ll make a proper (rarely micro) meal that she’ll likely have outside, pad change, dishes and bits of cleaning that need doing, probably floors today. Bed call is a snack, medication, clean pad and into pyjamas and she loves an early night so she’ll want to go straight to bed with a glass of milk. Twice a week we’ll combine two of the calls and she’ll get taken for a meal to the community centre (tbf it’s only £5 per meal and pot of tea), and the other day it will be a picnic in the park or a cafe if the weathers bad. It’s minimum wage no matter what I do, so I could do that 4 times a day, 7 days a week and take home around £250. For what you are paying for self employed carers, they are unbelievably taking the piss.

This person is very lucky to have you , it's a pity all carers aren't like you.
Minimum wage is a disgrace for what you and other carers do.
I am very grateful for my mothers carers and i would like to pass on my thanks and gratitude to you and the many other undervalued carers.

Crunched · 08/07/2026 21:45

Could you manipulate your Dad to come away with you/your DSis for a few days? Take him to a garden show or to Tresco/Portmeirian village etc. that requires a stay for a couple of nights?
If your DM could go into a great care home for respite it might allay his fears. I see many partners finding a nice social life at my DMs care home but, without exception, when I chat to them they were adamant that their spouse was not ready for a care home.
In an ideal world we would find mum a lovely local care home

Original poster
CateyeKate · 08/07/2026 21:33

squirrelchops2 · 08/07/2026 19:08

The issue here is you've no one properly managing the situation. You've private carers (are they working for a regulated service?) not working towards any care plan by the sounds of it. There's no accountability on them.

Yes, that's my concern now. There are 6 carers altogether, 2 separate ones who work together in the mornings Monday to Friday and the other 4 are all self employed but know each other and work together at times with other local clients. There are two 'main' carers who we usually refer to if we have questions/issues etc but no real management as such.

OP posts:
Original poster
CateyeKate · 08/07/2026 21:30

Wofflewaffle · 08/07/2026 19:11

If you properly split your parents assets and income, what would your mums financial situation be ?

Once there is a clear line between ‘his’ money and ‘her’ money, it will be easier for you and your sister to decide how your mums money is spent for her benefit. It won’t be your dad paying for anything any more.

We did this early on with PIL and it made life far easier.

Show quote history

My parents joint savings were split when mum was first diagnosed and we did everything through their solicitors and dad's FA.

OP posts:
Original poster
CateyeKate · 08/07/2026 21:28

Gleba · 08/07/2026 19:12

Why are they going in pairs? With my dad we coped with one at a time (4 times a day, and one visit was mostly for company/walks) and he had mobility issues so required special bed, hoist and wheelchair.

could you consider reorganising the shifts using just one carer at a time and adding an extra visit for company and some stimulation? Exercise, walk…

I suppose it started last summer after mum came home from the hospital, she was bedbound at the time and needed two carers to hoist her and get her to the bathroom but over the months she recovered physically and became more mobile.

I suppose it's our fault because we should have had a meeting and assessment with the carers to re-evaluate everything but this was all so new to us and not having any experience with care we have no clue or compassions. Also one of the main carers who does the most shifts can't drive so she has to come with another and they then work together.

OP posts:
Original poster
CateyeKate · 08/07/2026 21:24

MissMoneyFairy · 08/07/2026 19:19

Does your mum have capacity, if she has and she wants to move into a carehome then he can't stop that happening. If she doesn't have capacity have you used the lpa, is it severally or do the 3 of you need to agree, having lpa is to make decisions in her best interests, not his. How are her finances being dealt with, who is paying for the carers.

Mum has no capacity and she can barely say two words since the fall last summer, she is mainly non verbal. We all hold joint LPA.

OP posts:
Original poster
CateyeKate · 08/07/2026 21:23

MissMoneyFairy · 08/07/2026 19:23

Why is she on her own 2hen your dad lives there, hy doesn't he look,after her .

Show quote history

Yes he does but he goes in the garden a lot during the nicer days then pops in and checks on her. I go round Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays and my sister goes a couple of afternoons per week but obviously we can't be there all the time.

I worry that she spends a lot of time on her own with the TV on. I know dad can't be with her every waking minute but it seems so sad to see her sat there when I pop round, I look in the window and 9 times out of 10 she's there on her own snoozing or looking into space. She does go to a day centre once a week but I feel she needs more stimulation.

OP posts:
Citadelica · 08/07/2026 19:37

CateyeKate · 08/07/2026 16:36

Tbh, I think that's half his worry. He's concerned if he spends too much on mum and then he needs care there isn't going to be enough for him.

Show quote history

He shouldn't worry about that, because your mum's money and his money should be kept separate for care cost purposes

Any joint accounts can be split 50:50 . Anything in your mum's name is hers, anything in your dad's name is his.

If your mum's money gets near the threshold then get a financial assessment from social services.

MissMoneyFairy · 08/07/2026 19:23

CateyeKate · 08/07/2026 18:15

I hear so many stories of people really coming alive once they go into the right care facility. I know many have an awful reputation but I think it's unfair that people say all care homes are bad as you've just proven, some are a life line to people.

I would love to find mum the right care home where she could be cared for an occupied daily. Our carers are with mum for less than 3 hours a day, the rest of the time, when my sister and I aren't there, she is basically isolated and on her own which sadness me so much.

Show quote history

Why is she on her own 2hen your dad lives there, hy doesn't he look,after her .

MissMoneyFairy · 08/07/2026 19:19

Does your mum have capacity, if she has and she wants to move into a carehome then he can't stop that happening. If she doesn't have capacity have you used the lpa, is it severally or do the 3 of you need to agree, having lpa is to make decisions in her best interests, not his. How are her finances being dealt with, who is paying for the carers.

Gleba · 08/07/2026 19:12

Why are they going in pairs? With my dad we coped with one at a time (4 times a day, and one visit was mostly for company/walks) and he had mobility issues so required special bed, hoist and wheelchair.

could you consider reorganising the shifts using just one carer at a time and adding an extra visit for company and some stimulation? Exercise, walk…

Wofflewaffle · 08/07/2026 19:11

Wofflewaffle · 08/07/2026 19:02

Yes this, urgently if it’s not already done. All joint current or accessible joint savings accounts to be split into separate individual accounts. The only income going into your mother’s account should be pensions etc in her name. Investments belong to whomever’s name they are under. Property, if owned jointly can be switched to be owned in common.

As soon as paying for care comes into the picture, you have to look carefully at individual assets and income - not joint.

Show quote history

If you properly split your parents assets and income, what would your mums financial situation be ?

Once there is a clear line between ‘his’ money and ‘her’ money, it will be easier for you and your sister to decide how your mums money is spent for her benefit. It won’t be your dad paying for anything any more.

We did this early on with PIL and it made life far easier.

squirrelchops2 · 08/07/2026 19:08

The issue here is you've no one properly managing the situation. You've private carers (are they working for a regulated service?) not working towards any care plan by the sounds of it. There's no accountability on them.

Wofflewaffle · 08/07/2026 19:02

Soontobe60 · 08/07/2026 17:03

What they should do now is to divide their savings between each of them, use mums share to pay for a care home, once that runs out (or at least below £23.4K). she will be funded by the LA. Their home cannot be included in a financial assessment if your dad is living there.
I would get Adult social care involved asap to look at possibilities and discuss finances with your dad.

Show quote history

Yes this, urgently if it’s not already done. All joint current or accessible joint savings accounts to be split into separate individual accounts. The only income going into your mother’s account should be pensions etc in her name. Investments belong to whomever’s name they are under. Property, if owned jointly can be switched to be owned in common.

As soon as paying for care comes into the picture, you have to look carefully at individual assets and income - not joint.

NorthXNorthWest · 08/07/2026 18:53

CateyeKate · 08/07/2026 18:42

I really wish there was a way to push this. I feel the only way we'd get mum into care is if something happened to him, I often say to him what would happen say, if you fell and broke your hip or had a stroke etc.

Show quote history

I think this is one area where there may be a gap in the law.

Don't be too hard on yourselves. Navigating the care system is an absolute minefield, and it can often be hugely inefficient.

Have you spoken to Age UK or one of the other charities? They often have advisers or volunteers who can provide excellent guidance and may be better at helping you navigate the system.

Parents will often dismiss advice from their adult children, even when they're right. Sometimes hearing the same advice from an someone like Age UK might make a difference.

I would definitely swop the carers if you can.

bafta16 · 08/07/2026 18:47

We absolutely went into this as blind as bats

You are doing your best. I might get shot down in flames but I think a Care Company where there is accountability if much better. Twice I have had independent carers who turned out to manipulative and lazy .

Original poster
CateyeKate · 08/07/2026 18:42

NorthXNorthWest · 08/07/2026 18:30

You need to find a way to force a decision. Hopefully someone will come along with advice on how you can push for a residential care placement if it's clear that she cannot receive the level of care, support and enrichment she needs while remaining at home.

I appreciate your dad may want to preserve their savings, but this is exactly what having a home and savings is for at this stage of life. They are there to provide security and ensure the best possible care when it is needed most.

I really wish there was a way to push this. I feel the only way we'd get mum into care is if something happened to him, I often say to him what would happen say, if you fell and broke your hip or had a stroke etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
CateyeKate · 08/07/2026 18:41

Victorius19 · 08/07/2026 18:27

I worked for a home care company for 2 years and honestly it was the most soul destroying job I've ever done. Not because of the clients, but the other "carers" if they deserve that title. The good ones are like hens teeth. The majority are in/out as quickly as possible and doing the bare minimum. When my Dad was receiving palliative care at home, we had a care company coming in for 4 visits a day and they were little more than useless. His drug chart never got signed, so we never knew if he'd had his oramorph and he was barely washed even though that was the whole purpose of the visits. I cancelled them as it was just stressing Dad out and me.

Your Mum needs to be in a nursing home. It takes the control away from your Dad, removes the stress out of the house for him, and the staff will get to know your Mum.

Mum absolutely does need to go into a care facility now, she is being well looked after because we (sister and I) make sure she is. Don't get me wrong, the carers are lovely, I really like them and they are so kind to mum but they are always in such a rush, come in, get the job done and leave. I want more than that for my mum, yes her physical needs are being taken care of but it goes wider than that and when my sister or I are not there she is sitting in that chair for a long time each day and that is breaking our hearts but our dad is such hard work and makes a difficult situation much much harder than it needs be, he believes she is best at home even if that means sitting in the lounge 12 hours a day.

He is the main cause of our stress half the time.

OP posts:
NorthXNorthWest · 08/07/2026 18:30

You need to find a way to force a decision. Hopefully someone will come along with advice on how you can push for a residential care placement if it's clear that she cannot receive the level of care, support and enrichment she needs while remaining at home.

I appreciate your dad may want to preserve their savings, but this is exactly what having a home and savings is for at this stage of life. They are there to provide security and ensure the best possible care when it is needed most.

Original poster
CateyeKate · 08/07/2026 18:30

Norfolklass2428 · 08/07/2026 17:39

Do you, your sister or Dad have LPA for your Mum? Has she had a capacity assessment? If not I would be talking to adult social services in your area and be getting this arranged.

Ditto A care needs assessment for Mum - though from what you have said about savings your parent would be self - funding care.

Your Dad also has the right to have a care needs assessment, as do you and your sister if you do a lot of care for Mum.

If your Mum does lack capacity after being assessed then you or your Dad can only make financial and welfare decisions for your Mum if you have Deputyship for finances and health and welfare from The Court of Protection. It is a ball ache, but definitely worth pursuing, so you can make decisions for your Mum regarding her care and finances. Without either LPA or Deputyship in place social workers can and will make decisions regarding your Mum's future care.

It sounds like both of your parent's would benefit from living in a care home.

Would your Dad be open to having a months trial with a care company or a live in carer? The carers you have are taking the absolute piss you and your family could receive much better care for the same or a little more money.

As soon as mum was diagnosed with Alzheimer's we went to the solicitors and arranged fully LPA,. Myself, my sister and my dad have this.

Social services have done full assessments on us all and are happy mum's care needs are met via her current care situation. The rest is up to us as our parents have savings and so can fund their own care. They said we can come back to them when the savings fall to £23,250 or something similar. My parents have a lot more than that so it's highly unlikely.

Dad doesn't need care. He is 85 but is in full health physically and cognitively, he's just a very difficult and obtuse man, always has been. He would not be up for any live in carer, he gets very very angry if we ever bring the subject up. He seems to love the carers we have especially when they told him the other week that they see him as a friend (what kind of friend charges you £26 per hour!). It's my sister and I who are unhappy with the care Vs cost.

OP posts: