Care at home, not sure if it’s the right care, so drained by it all.

Could she get respite care for a few weeks, and just not come home? That is very simplistic I know, but that's exactly what happened with my own late mother and it worked brilliantly. My poor Dad was terminally ill at the time with months left. We wanted to spend quality time with him. Mum had had a major stroke and was all over the place physically and mentally. Yes, carers came in a few times a day, but it was just so disruptive to my poor Dad that it just wasn't feasible.

But you guessed it, mum kicked up such a fuss, would not go anywhere, wouldn't discuss full time care, nothing. Her reasoning was "I am the one who is sick, there's nothing wrong with HIM" OMG that's how her brain was fried, and they loved each other to bits, honestly.

So, we arranged for a fortnight's respite. The GP got her in somehow, and we told her she was going on holidays. The Nursing Home had a full time place, but we fibbed and told her it was for a week. She never came home in the end, and honestly, she thrived there. We had time with Dad and he died six months later.

Horrible time, so I know exactly how awful these situations are. Bless you and your sister. Your Dad needs a dose of reality, but that won't happen, just like with my mother, at least she had post stroke mental issues, but your Dad is fully compos mentis. I am reluctant to say anything bad about him, but I am thinking it!

I’m not suggesting that at all. You clearly love and care for your mum very much, and she’s lucky to have you. What I am responding to is the suggestion by a pp that because your dad is not doing what you do, that social services will conclude that he is neglecting or abusing her in some way. There’s a big gap between what she needs to live safely at home and what you - as a dedicated and loving daughter - believe that she deserves. When SS do an assessment of care needs they are looking at the basics - fed, drinks, clean, toileted, safe from falls / harm / wandering, taking medication etc. Anything beyond that is ‘extra’ as far as they are concerned. Care plans don’t generally include lying in the garden listening to music with the client - they are all about the basics.

When you were a PA for a disabled person, who paid you? is this something that could be replicated for your mum?

Have you been able to check the wording of the LPA? Is there any way that you and your sister can over rule your dad and spend your mums money in a way that benefits her, even if he doesn’t agree?

But how is your dad denying her what she ‘needs’? If she’s fed, offered drinks, kept clean and appropriately dressed, toilets and taking her meds, kept safe and warm and clean? I suspect that for an elderly, demented, severely disabled woman, who’s pretty much immobile and doubly incontinent, as long as all the above boxes are ticked then she will be deemed to be well cared for. No one is abusing her or neglecting her. Not being taken to a day centre, not having music played to her, not trying to get her to take a few steps with a walker, not moving her chair to face the garden - none of these are abuses. And your dad has no legal obligation to do them himself or to provide them otherwise.

i think the bottom line, OP, is that you can only control what you can control. So you continue to visit and do all these things with your mum. Sort out the mess of the carers, if you can, because it might made your life easier and your mums care easier to manage. And leave your dad to continue to do what he’s done all his life.

The only way out is if the wording of the LPA allows you to make decisions without your fathers agreement, or that you and your sister together can overrule him.

I haven't rtft, sorry, but...

Look into Direct Payments. It means you have a financial assessment but then you can choose care from approved suppliers at a reduced rate.

Contact local homes to see if they offer daily respite care. Some will let people come for days, either for fun or respite or as a taster.

Your local Carers Centre and AgeUK are good sources of help. AgeUK have a befriending service. They can also recommend people, such as a home help.

Contact your GP to see if you can get a physiotherapy referral. Or, see if you can get someone privately.

Meals-on-wheels is a great service if you have it. It's another person checking in every day, with a meal and a chat too.

A mobile hairdresser and chiropodist could also help to break up the day.

Absolutely, they won't drop you in it if you explain that your Dad will be very angry at your interference. They can just say they've had a report. When I worked in care, I did this several times when families weren't allowing someone's needs to be met because of money. It's sadly horribly common and always involves the male spouse not wanting to spend.

Her GP may also be able to help - I used to send an email to my Dad's GP when I had concerns and they'd get him to go in without saying why.

I really feel for you, your sister and your mum.

Have you tried Age UK or one of the other charities? I suspect this is getting more common so maybe there is way to force his hand. I would get advice form someone like AGE UK before you go back to social services or approach your father again as @squirrelchops2 alluded to, social services does not always provide the best service.

Or perhaps elder abuse is a possible route as @Victorius19 suggested.

When one spouse deliberately refuses to spend money on necessary care for the other, it constitutes financial abuse and neglect. This controlling behavior leaves the vulnerable partner without essential support or medical attention to preserve assets, which is a recognized safeguarding issue under the Care Act 2014.

I would have a chat to the local adult helpdesk of social services. Explain the situation to them and mention the words "elderly abuse" and say that your Mum needs a safeguarding intervention. Because sadly that's what your Dad is doing - he's making decisions for your Mum in HIS best interests and not hers. If you don't stand up for her, no one else is going to. If she is assigned a social worker, they should then be helping draw up a care plan etc for the carers to follow.

It sounds like you are replacement attorneys, if you think he is not acting in h3r best interests you contact the opg. It would be a good idea to read the relevant pages on the poa forms as its your responsibility to act for her. If you think her needs have changed then you can ask for another care assessment. I'm not sure how much stimulation she'd get in a carehome, she may just sit in front of the tv in the communal room, a good carehome will have exercises, activities, an activity co ordinator. Does she have a dementia nurse?

Unfortunately social services are sods ..ok poor wording
They're so stretched financially that if a family are paying privately for care they're going to be happy they're not funding.
However, your mum has clear care and support needs as defined within legislation. Maybe say to Dad that SS assessment could mean you pay a lot less for more reliable care. If your mum has a financial assessment and remains having carers at home her assessed charge would be £100per week max! Plenty of money left over for activities then.

Also she's then 'in the system' so if her needs increase getting into a care home would be easier.

Good luck

Why do you think he ultimately makes decisions, if you have 3 poa for her health then it's a joint decision between you all, whatmdoes it say on your poa form. Joint or severally?

This!
I don’t comprehend why people save throughout their life but won’t spend the savings when they are needed for a better quality of life.

The wording sounds harsh….but it’s the correct solution for all concerned. I’m so sorry for this situation.

He is her husband, not her owner or captor. Her best interests should be prioritised above his desire to control the purse strings.The house and savings belong to both of them. She is entitled to her share, and that's what the cost of her care should come from.

At this stage of her life, the priority should be the quality of her care and her quality of life. If better care, activities or enrichment would improve her wellbeing, that should come before protecting assets.

There are 3 poa do maybe he can't make decisions without his 2 daughters being in agreement

I mean all this kindly, but it might come across as blunt.

You need a plan, and someone needs to start acting like a responsible adult with this situation.

Carers are being contracted by someone. That arrangement should include clear expectations around what their remit is, and what the pay terms are.

For example;
Visits times. Essential activities in each visit. Additional activities to be covered through the week. Payment arrangements if the visits are shorter than planned. What are two person tasks and what are individual. Any house keeping or social stuff. That can go as far as ‘leave in living room with a film on’. I’d guess everyone has different expectations at the moment. Rates of pay, timing of pay can all be covered.

You, your sister, your dad and the carers need to be aligned on this. You may well have him saying they can go once the bare essentials are done.

Care plan. You keep saying social services aren’t interested. They won’t fund anything. You should be able to get advice on whats needed. That gives you, your dad and your sister a common reference point. Eg. Is it two person care. Probably not at this point.

You can have a mix of agency and private care if your self funding. Some agencies won’t be keen, but most will have clients where it’s a mix of family care and agency.

It sounds link youve got a fairly idyllic view of care homes and costs. Keep visiting local ones and talking to any friends with relatives in them. It’s important your comparison point is realistic on cost and provision. Day centre once a week probably has more engaging activities than a most care home do.

Another aspect to keep in mind is that shes your dad’s wife, it’s his home and daily life that’s being most impacted. Paying out for more help costs. It also is a very in your face way of saying that there are problems. A care home move is a very definite statement that it’s the beginning of the end. There’s probably more to it than the money.

Your mum sounds like shes being kept safe and well. So no one’s doing anything badly wrong, but this is now long term not short term and needs treating as such. You’ve got an ‘in’. ‘Mums situation has changed since she came out of hospital, so we’re going to have a review of the caring arrangements’. You, your sister and your dad sit down and come up with a plan and then implement that with carers. Winging it isnt doing anyone’s sanity much good.

(and you can probably reduce the overall caring hours, and swap that budget for a home visit a week of chair based exercise / massage / hair dresser).

You cannot force it if the Dad is making decisions on his wife's behalf (unwise or otherwise). Decision making is left to him unless it becomes a safeguarding issue or extreme neglect etc