DM struggling with her 98 yr old DF

My sister visited my mum three times a week and I went once a week, unless something had happened and we were needed more. Sister was 72 and mum 91 when she went into the home. But as others have pointed out there’s actually not a lot you can do.

As I mentioned in my post above, the NH advised me to limit visits for a while, which turned out to be forever - apart from crises etc.

Would there be a possibility of speaking to the director of nursing or the manager and putting your concerns across about your mother's constant visiting? They might advise your mother to limit her visits on "settling in" or other grounds for a while.

Sometimes when the advice/steering comes from someone with no emotional involvement in the resident it is much easier to take on board. That was my experience anyway. I was given the advice, and I took it. The staff in nursing homes see this scenario every single day, and in some cases (they told me), constant visiting can disrupt the residents' routines, so less is often more!

I know going behind your mother's back to ask the Nursing Home about this might not appeal to you, but I'm just throwing it out as something to file away anyway.

Tell your mum that I visit my aged parent once a fortnight. Once a day is madness. If she's been looking after him for years she deserves a long holiday. I bet he wasn't looking after a 98 year old when he was 70. Selfish old sod.

I see a pp mentioned not going every day to help.them settle in, my cousin has also been advised this by her dad's care home and it has eased the burden of visiting every evening as it was for her, could you go that angle for your mum ?

You could suggest that one day when you know other family members are going to the CH, you take DM out for coffee/afternoon tea/whatever you think will stop her from thinking about her DF while she isn't visiting. She needs to break the cycle and probably needs help to do so.

Christ alive, of course she doesn’t need to visit every day! What’s the point in his being in a home, otherwise?

If your mum is (like me) in her 60s and still doing this stuff, it may do more harm than good to try to untangle why. She’ll either come to a realisation that she needs professional help to sort her feelings out, or she won’t. (I did - best hundred quid I ever spent - only took one session, therapy doesn’t have to go on for years!)

My worry for you is that there’s a budding similar relationship developing between you and your mum, your getting frazzled and her displaying an inability/refusal to listen. Do be careful to look after yourself in all this. Each time she complains about going, say “Mum, you know I think you do too much. Have a break from it any time you need to” then move on. She’ll either walk through the open door having heard permission, or she’ll keep beating at the closed window instead.

You bet she would! It sounds like it's become her sense of who she is. Which makes it easier to carry on with than to let go of and face the inner questions.
But she'll have to when he dies.
Also - you can't force her to change. She's got to want to and at the moment she doesn't.
I'd suggest you step back and be a bit less sympathetic, or you could find yourself sucked into the same pattern.

Stop moaning about going mum, just don't go, he's fine. Etc.

Yes she should ease up on it. It's very hard to do as the DF piles on the guilt, but it can be overcome.

I am a veteran of this with my late mother. When she went to a nursing home it was exactly the same thing, wanted me there every single day. Actually the nursing home advised me to cut back a lot to give her time to settle in and join in the community.

As it happened, I did limit visits to twice a week, and OMG that woman was delighted to see me when I did visit. I was inclined to do more with her such as wheel her around the lovely grounds, go down the road for a coffee/tea out, and things like that. I will confess that I strategically timed my visits so that after a certain period it would be time for dinner/tea in the dining room and I had my reason to go, a sunset clause if you like.

Absence really does make the heart grow fonder it seems! Well it did in my case anyway.

I think your mum should definitely take days off, and let him moan she is allowed a life,

Yes she should definitely take days off. Whether she can allow herself to is another matter. She sounds like she's got thoroughly absorbed in the narrative of being a martyr to his needs. It may be pretty hard for her to give it up and start concentrating on her own needs.
Do you think this is a long established pattern for her @mullingitallover43 ?