DM struggling with her 98 yr old DF

It sounds like your DM needs a holiday away

Tell her to book & enjoy

It sounds like other people can visit for a while

They very very rarely do.

It isn't palatable but of course people can choose to die and avoid a care home.

So many people especially women in the same situation. To tell her not to bother going is useless. Whether she feels guilty or obliged or just feels it's the right thing to do , you can't change her mind . But from experience I think you are just her safe place to vent , to be able to voice her feelings of how tedious and difficult it is getting for her . It's only recently that people in their 60s+ are looking after infirm parents , he is 98 and realistically doesn't have much longer to live . It might give her comfort to know that she did all she could for him . If he was a good father to her she might feel he deserves it . All carers say they won't want to end up like that but nobody knows how they will feel when their time comes . It is also normal to feel scared and needy and not wanting to be left alone .

Unfortunately we dont have a choice as to when we pass. And the care home statement is very common. We might all be feeling this.

Who does she think will look after her if a care home is the right place? You??

Having seen the inside of many care homes they are places I would want to avoid but you never know. Both my parents were in one.

They both lived to early 90's

I SO agree with this. Elderly parents can be so so selfish about what they want and the guilt trips and sarky comments are horrible to hear.

What will happen if she doesnt go every day. Answer = nothing. I would bear in mind that some people who are doing this just like to moan about their burden and when you suggest that they go less they look at you as though you are mad.

I was very hard faced with my Mother in particular. She used to put on the sad face and say how gratful she was for everything I did whilst wanting more and more.

You are sliding into not setting boundaries with her though...... Your last 2 posts are a bit worrying.. she may say she doesn't want to live that long or end up in a home...

That may/may not be possible... You should e making clear that maybe an option..

Equally you are talking about the emotional weight of her expectations on uou/your dc even though you're busy....

You will probably need yo be much clearer about your boundaries..or will end up in same boat...

...or become a burden, and would never go into a home.

Interesting. How does she expect to square that circle? Who does she expect to do what she's been doing all these years, if she won't go into a home?

TBH OP your mum isn't struggling with her 98 yr old DF, she's struggling with herself. It sounds like she knows what she wants to do but lacks the courage to do it. Maybe she's worried what other people will think, or that she won't be able match up to her own perception of herself as a dedicated, compassionate daughter. Guilt is a powerful motivator.

My FIL visited MIL in her CH daily for years and years. It did give him a certain routine to the day and regular social interaction with the carers and nurses, which was good for him. Initially he was sure there was something that could be done to make her better so he went to try and get her to talk / respond to him / do physio etc... then he carried on out of guilt, he said. That she'd be lonely or feel abandoned. This was a 84 year old woman with advanced Parkinson's and dementia - she wasn't aware of anything by this point. It was all in his head - but a powerful emotional driver nonetheless.

She’s 70. First line of the OP

Can you play the medical card? Go to primed GP with her and say she’s on point of collapse and needs holiday? Take her off to nice hotel for a week?

Or if there’s a friend she can go with maybe offer to visit twice a week in her place.

It may be that, deep down, your mother enjoys the pity and the sympathy, the rallying around. That’s why she complains but fails to implement the obvious solution.

On the other hand, she may fear letting go of the carer role because to do so would expose a lack of other things in her life, like hobbies and voluntary work.

It’s quite likely to be fear of what other people will say or think. A lot of people think that someone in a home or hospital should have at least one visit every day, and that more than that is even better.

Is there some fear there? That one day she'll end up in a home and not get visited daily?

We did something similar with a friend of mine on the grounds that it was too tiring to have too many visitors on one day, it's better quality all round if they are separate days. Also too many people in the room can be overwhelming.

Your mum also needs to know you are worried about her and you need her to take a breath and slow down.

I visited my mum once a week in my nursing home, plus I missed the occasional week as well, eg when dp’s dad was very ill, or for holidays. I regarded it as a marathon not a sprint and I did what I could.

Being quite blunt can be a good thing. ‘Do stop moaning about other people booking holidays Mum. You should do the same. DF is fine. Where would you go? Shall I book one for the two of us?’

One thing that did absolutely infuriate me is that the minimal other visits DM got (she was much closer to me geographically than anyone else so to a certain extent that was fine, but in four years she probably had ten visits that weren’t from me) they all assumed that they would visit WITH me, so I didn’t get a break. So the family chat suggested above is a great idea, as long as it doesn’t turn emotional with everyone offloading their worries and ideas on how it should be on everyone else.

Would it work if you had a group Whatsapp of all the people who visit, so she could at least have a day off when she knows others are visiting?

And that’s such a shame in itself. They are not spending quality time together. She’s unhappy about the situation but doing nothing to change it - and likely won’t.

Good grief, of course she doesn’t have to visit every day. If she doesn’t like the word martyr, it’s because she knows it’s true and doesn’t want the conversation. Nothing you can do here, it is up to her to set boundaries, and it might just be too late for her to change. You don’t have to listen to her going on about this when she knows what to do to change things, she just doesn’t want to. And ffs just ensure you don’t replicate the pattern op.