Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Elderly parents
Original poster

Any advice on how to start planning supported living for elderly parents?

39 replies

LongGinShortTonic · 01/07/2026 07:48

I’d really appreciate some advice on next steps.

DF is 87 and DM is 82. They live 3.5 hours from me, and my sibling lives in northern mainland Europe. They grew up there, lots of roots and friends. they downsized into a frankly ridiculous house (steps everywhere, even on the ground floor) house in a village four years ago which has a bus, shops, church etc and are very happy there.

DF has had increasing health problems for the past 2 years and recently had two TIAs. He’s got a catheter and waiting for a prostate op which keeps being delayed. he struggles with walking and left to his own devices would quite happily sit on his iPad all day. He can walk with his walker or a stick but not far.

mum does everything, and she’s struggling, but won’t admit it. There’s some cognitive issues but nothing major, although she does have arthritis in both knees and when I got there this weekend she was struggling stand up, Dad was trying to help but couldn’t, it was heartbreaking. They have no help in the house and if this was taken away from her she would struggle. My sibling or I go every three weeks to help for a couple of days but it’s not enough.

We are one shuffling step away from a crisis, and I’d much rather they be in control of what happens next. I spoke to my sibling last night and they suggested it was time ‘dad went somewhere, the only question is if Mum goes with him’. It was a hard and businesslike way to put it, but he’s right.

They’ve been married 60 years, I don’t think they’d want to be separated. I ended up in tears.

They don’t need carers, I don’t think, they need to be somewhere with help available if needed and support that can be ramped up as necessary. They want to stay in the house, but without either of us closer that’s going to quickly become very hard.

any ideas or suggestions as we start to navigate this? The conversation might start but it’ll take time to process and to find the right place and we’d rather be informed and them be in control rather than being lurched into a crisis and having to make decisions for them.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
squirrelchops2 · 07/07/2026 14:27

The Attendance Allowance form can now be done online. It's massively easier now too.

karthikyogaraj · 07/07/2026 14:16

Your mum struggling to stand and your dad not being able to help her up is the thing I'd act on now, before the prostate op and another TIA move the goalposts. You're right that it's not care-home time yet. A couple of people mentioned social services and you flinched, which I get given how proud they are, but it doesn't have to come from them. Your dad's TIAs and catheter mean the GP or the stroke team can flag a needs assessment, and it's a free statutory thing under the Care Act, not charity. Because you've got POA sorted you can push for it. And your mum can ask for her own carer's assessment in her own right, which often lands better than framing it as help for him. With all those internal steps piling up, has anyone raised getting an OT round to look at grab rails and a stairlift before the house forces the decision for you?

Mischance · 03/07/2026 14:31

Bit by bit you are getting there....

Original poster
LongGinShortTonic · 03/07/2026 12:33

I've just had a call from my Dad, with Mum shouting out her contributions in the background. He's accepted one of the walkers I found for the sitting room, and has promised to use the one he has for outside inside on the lower level. He's also asked me to order a car handle I found. He seemed quite relieved really.

I've ordered them already and I'll push again next week for them to do a GP referral - I'll let them have the weekend to recalibrate.

OP posts:
ForPinkDuck · 02/07/2026 21:04

Id be upset too op. Been through similar myself.

Original poster
LongGinShortTonic · 02/07/2026 21:01

They are very old school, even though my brother lives abroad, he is the one named before me on the LPA. I got incredibly upset about this several years ago, there’s no point in going back through it. It’s not going to change anything.

My brother really is a good guy, and he and I have a good relationship, it’s been a bit tough over the years but over the past couple of years a lot of effort has gone in on both sides. My SIL is also very helpful and supportive. I have a relationship with him outside of my folks, we went out recently to spend the weekend and are there for New Year. He’s just very businesslike like and solutions focused whereas I am more emotional led.

Love the description of swooshing 😂 I have tried very hard not to swoosh. There’s been radio silence since the call and I totally accept that it’s hard for them to have me step on. When Dad has his last TIA I was already scheduled to go up and literally dropped everything and went, Mum just couldn’t cope. I was with him and privy to all the medical info for 48 hours. So I’m a lot more up to speed than I was, and I’ve shared that with my brother. I tried my best to be sensitive. I mean, I’d hate it!

I also have a very supportive partner and children, I’m very fortunate really. But I am a Daddy’s girl, this is hard.

What I said to them is that whatever I order, it’s an interim solution and they need guidance from the professionals. But when Dad is making his way round the room catching into furniture to keep his balance, something needs to be in place in the short term.

More telephone handsets is a great idea, as is the ‘funky’ rollator - thank you. Ebook - will see if I can get it, my kindle got squished on a ski holiday and I’ve not replaced it!

You are all amazing, thank you so much. It’s so hard and there’s such a fine line to tread. I really appreciate your support.

OP posts:
rookiemere · 02/07/2026 20:47

@LongGinShortTonic just a word of warning from the other side. It’s tempting to swoosh in with what seem to be sensible, practical ideas assuming that your DPs will gratefully accept them because it means they can stay in their home for as long as possible which is what they want. However what I found was that DPs were fiercely resistant to any helpful suggestions, possibly partly because of dementia but also I think because it hurt their pride and I probably wasn’t as graceful at introducing things as I could have been.

Getting a social services assessment is definitely the way forward. DPs were open to free equipment from Occupational therapist visits and there’s a danger you might not get the right thing if you start ordering items from Amazon. Plus I would save your energy for the things only you can do and get as much set up online as possible.

Silverbirchleaf · 02/07/2026 18:37

‘when the Cranes fly south’ - I thought this was a very moving book told from the Elderly parent point of view. It resonated with me.

www.amazon.co.uk/When-Cranes-South-Lisa-Ridzén-ebook/dp/B0D3CMVWB6

ForPinkDuck · 02/07/2026 18:35

Also how is the lpa set up: with your brother? How is his input going to be managed?

Silverbirchleaf · 02/07/2026 18:33

Another thing we’ve done is to have a telephone with lots of handsets, so they don’t have to go far to answer them.

The ‘looking ugly’ resonates with me. Although they need these aids, it’s also hard to admit you’re getting old and needing them.

We also found there’s a fine line between ‘the children’ intervening, and the parents keeping control in their lives. They need the intervention, but can resent it as well.

Mischance · 02/07/2026 18:23

My rollator is from byAcre and is quite flashy. Mine is red, but there are lots of colours to choose from.

Original poster
LongGinShortTonic · 02/07/2026 18:01

Great idea on the FB page, will have a look. I used to live in the next village over, so have lots of links. They are open to the idea of a falls assessment.

OP posts:
Original poster
LongGinShortTonic · 02/07/2026 17:57

Well, I had the conversation with Dad about the two walkers (he has one for outside and has done for the past six months and it's been a real help). But it's too big for inside. I've found some options and it was all going quite well until my mother came on the line with a rant about how she didn't want anything that looked ugly. 🙄situation normal.

I've sent a follow up email with some options. Turns out he applied for the Allowance three weeks ago, but didn't tell any of us. I've updated my brother and he is going to back me up with them.

yes, they would be self funding. I honestly don't think we're at the stage of needing to move - but if something happens to Mum, Dad will be. I've said to my brother that we need to have the information for if that happens. Don't worry, we will not buy! The house is crazy because it's on three different levels on both floors, and it's really oddly laid out - when they bought it four years ago, we were aghast, so it's not a new development!

OP posts:
thesandwich · 02/07/2026 16:32

A visit from an ot( via falls service/ gp etc) could help advise on where rails etc should be and the best walkers/ aids. There is so much available- expert advice is v helpful.
if there is a local Facebook/ next door page for their area that can be a great source of finding excellent help outside major agencies.
Also check their local county council website which may have links and info.
another idea- they can sign forms which could give you access to their medical records on line - it helps chasing appts / meds etc. ask the gp

catofglory · 02/07/2026 16:17

Good advice above about how to get them help so they can remain at home for a while.

You can refer them to Social Services yourself by calling Adult Social Services for their area. It'll probably be an answerphone where you can leave a message.

But I don't think it has been asked yet unless I missed it, would they be self funding? If they have more than £23k in savings, they would count as self funding and they (you) would be expected to source and fund their own care. Any assessment could be done by the manger of the agency/care home.

But there is only any point in that type of assessment if they will accept help.

Best of luck. 💐

PropertyD · 02/07/2026 16:06

Silverbirchleaf · 01/07/2026 07:56

From our experience. Elderly parents still living at home, with help of carers (and a good neighbour)

Contact adult social services. They can provide help and advice, put rails in, provide equipment such as walking frames etc

Attendance allowance - apply for this. It’s not means tested. It’s a horrible form to fill in, but fill it in on a worst case scenario.

You say they don’t need carers, but we found that has helped my parents (86 and 91) stay in their house. My parents found it difficult to have people coming in at first, but have got used to it now. Make it clear what you want them to do - housework, cooking meals etc.

Laundry service - we use a laundry service once a week that collect the laundry , wash it and return it.

Lifeline - if your parents are at risk from falling, consider a lifeline. My dm prefers a watch one then a pendant one.

Get Power of attorneys in place.

Residential homes are expensive, very expensive.

Agree. A care home for both of them is likely to be anything from £12k-£16k PER MONTH.

Be aware that they will not be beyond fibbing to down play how they are. I would maybe consider a retirement complex but DO NOT BUY!

My late Mum was in one and liked it but she only rented.

The other thing of course is that I know you think the house is unsuitable but its THEIR unsuitable. They will have got used to the little fobiles as did my Mum when she was living on her own. She shut the doors on rooms that had an issue ie heating not working in one bedroom. I also found out when she did finally move that she had a very odd hot water system which was in my view dangerous. The water would suddenly turn cold. I found out for a few years she had been doing a strip wash.

I wouldnt put this burden on a neighbour. Mum made a real nusiance of herself asking various neighbours and one had a gentle word with me. Its not for them to take this on

Mischance · 02/07/2026 15:17

I have a disability and have a brilliant lightweight rollator ... it only weighs 10lbs!
There are also wheeled ones that are light.
The beauty of a rollator rather than a walking frame is that you can use it outside and take it to town in the car. And you can sit on it if you get tired.

Original poster
LongGinShortTonic · 02/07/2026 15:09

The steps are three steps up from the dining room into the sitting room and up until 3 months ago when I insisted they didn't even have handles on them. A ramp would be impossible, it would be too steep and take up the usable space in the dining room in their tiny house (don't get me started on why they bought this house, it's ridiculous)

Do you think it's worth getting a walker online whilst we wait for the assessment? I don't want him to fall in the meantime. Can I refer them for the social services assessment, or is it something they need to do via the GP?

OP posts:
thedevilinablackdress · 02/07/2026 15:01

Occupational Therapy/ Falls assessment via GP or social care is a key one if they want to stay at home. They know what rails, bathroom seats, trolleys, etc etc will help.

Theraininspainishere · 02/07/2026 14:18

I wouid also look at if you can put in some sort of solid ramp system over these steps, even if just temporary, but long lasting, as navigating a step with a walker sounds problematic…..

Brunchatstephanies · 02/07/2026 14:12

Mischance · 02/07/2026 11:51

Age UK is your friend here - they have info on everything.

It sounds to me as if your brother is the problem here!

Your parents do need to retain choice in their lives and I am sure that staying together is what they would choose. The idea of separating them would lead to two declines I think. If neither are actively suffering from dementia then they have to be free to choose what they wish to do.

All you can do is gather all the information you can and present them with options from which they can choose. Unfortunately you cannot protect them from every danger and they have to be free to take their own risks, as long as they have full info on what is on offer.

Fully fit adults choose to climb mountains and put themselves at risk and that is their choice. Elderly people in possession of their faculties and all information are no different. I know that this leaves family to worry - but I would worry if my son were planning to climb Everest!

It may be that they might make a wrong choice in your eyes but it is their right to do this as long as they are not putting anyone else at risk.

It is very hard I know.

That is a very good answer so long as it doesn’t have accompanying expectations from adult children to fill the gaps.

In my experience the parents have enormous expectations from adult children who simply do not have the time resources to fulfil those expectations and the same parents refuse to do things that would help themselves like getting taxis when they can no longer drive for example.

So I totally agree with you on the independence so long as it is not accompanied by having excessive expectations on their children.

Original poster
LongGinShortTonic · 02/07/2026 14:06

They did do online shopping through the pandemic and are all set up with ocado and Morrisons but Mum is very happy to go shopping - it's beyond my Dad but nothing makes my mum happier than making a production out of going to the supermarket!

I have now spoken to my brother again and thanks to you all I was able to have a reasoned and calm conversation with him. I've said the aim is to keep them at home and the messaging needs to be about how we keep them independent. That two walkers, one for the sitting room up the steps and one for the dining room and kitchen, are non negotiable for me - the big risk is Dad falling. He agrees and says to ring the folks and talk to Dad and send him two options and just get him to choose. I have also said he needs a grab rail in the shower and one by the loo. This is all to help him stay at home safely, so needs to happen.

I've called my Dad but they're not answering, probably out terrorising the local roads with Mum's driving (topic for another day) so waiting for him to call back on that.

I have said there is a longer term project for he and I to do about finding out the actions for the next steps so we're ready when the time comes. He was, overall, very supportive and listened to me. He's taken the Allowance application on and will sort out laundry and a weekly cleaner for Mum, so he's helping, it's not all on me.

None of their friends have carers in unless they are seriously ill - one of my relatives had a fairly major stroke the other week and when my parents went to see them, my mother was incandescent that she hadn't 'made an effort' and put her make up on and a 'decent dress seeing as how she was having visitors, and she could have run the hoover round'...

I am googling and following up on all the suggestions, thank you. My physio this morning suggested the NHS trip and fall assessment service, which in my county is called 'Strong and Steady' so something else to look into and maybe of use to others, although I think you're all far ahead of me in understanding the support on offer.

OP posts:
Mischance · 02/07/2026 11:52

I am assuming they are doing online shopping with deliveries as Dad is on his iPad all the time!

Silverbirchleaf · 02/07/2026 11:52

LongGinShortTonic · 02/07/2026 11:32

Social services assessment would be laughed out of the room! They're very proud. The GP would be a good call for me to make.

Do you know any other elderly people in the area. We thought the same with my parents, but when they began to talk to other oaps , and found out about what services were available, they were more willing. Also, in some areas, it’s called ‘Elderly Community Services’ etc so not ‘social services’ as such.

Mischance · 02/07/2026 11:51

Age UK is your friend here - they have info on everything.

It sounds to me as if your brother is the problem here!

Your parents do need to retain choice in their lives and I am sure that staying together is what they would choose. The idea of separating them would lead to two declines I think. If neither are actively suffering from dementia then they have to be free to choose what they wish to do.

All you can do is gather all the information you can and present them with options from which they can choose. Unfortunately you cannot protect them from every danger and they have to be free to take their own risks, as long as they have full info on what is on offer.

Fully fit adults choose to climb mountains and put themselves at risk and that is their choice. Elderly people in possession of their faculties and all information are no different. I know that this leaves family to worry - but I would worry if my son were planning to climb Everest!

It may be that they might make a wrong choice in your eyes but it is their right to do this as long as they are not putting anyone else at risk.

It is very hard I know.

Swipe left for the next trending thread