I have become so bitter

Is that from talking to the elderly parent or the potential carer child?

My “D”M presents a completely different picture to her friends than the emotionally blackmailing reality she puts me through.

Your approach is exemplary @mischance and of course there will be many like you. But this board is (inevitably) full of people looking for help in very different circumstances. Where relatives point blank refuse cleaners, falls alarms, handrails, to take taxis, see the GP, take the medication etc etc etc.

But you can get carers in and that is what I will do. My children told me that when the time comes they will help me organise care but not do it. I have no respect for people who let their AC do caring duties.

Or maybe it's a 'dereliction of moral duty' to live your life without any thought for the consequences of your actions and expect your 'loved ones' to put their lives on hold and break themselves mentally and physically to deal with those consequences. Just another angle.

I know of no elderly people who are struggling who expect their family to put their lives on hold for them - on the contrary they are desperate that they should not do so. They did not bring their children up and provide them with every life opportunity they could in order to see them burdened with our care.

But - here's the rub - what do you do when you have taken every step to be as independent as possible (help in the house, stair lift, lifeline etc.) but your AC can see that you are struggling however hard you try to cover it? When they say - "But Mum, we love you, we want to help"? And they do not want dishonesty - they see us all as a team/family who share responsibility for each others' needs and see that as entirely normal. I have been there for them, as they frequently point out, all through their lives - as children, as young adults when I was always on the end of a phone to prop them up, as parents when I was there to care for their children so they could work etc. .... They just see my current needs as a change in circumstances that is equivalent to what has gone before - only in the opposite direction.

But - it is not what I want and they do not know the half of it!!

I totally understand this, and have identical thoughts, same age stage, and have had a very similar experience. It’s impossible to explain to others who don’t have to go through it. I hope you are ok. Well I know you are not because I know only too well how traumatic it is and how hopeless you can feel. It breaks the very best of us. You take care of yourself x

I agree. It’s not ‘a few drinks’.

The OP, and many others, are talking about people who abuse their body for decades in multiple ways, whilst knowing the risks, during easy times and hard times. Then immediately transfer responsibility for their ill health, to their adult children the minute the crows come home to roost. It’s indescribably selfish. The OP has had a belly full of it already, and is rightly so, disheartened to hear yet another shit show of caring coming her way.

I believe very much in letting people get carers in if they need help. It was very easy for me because my parents were not great and I was already LC with them. Not living near them and looking after my grandchildren left me no time. Not that I would have done it anyway. No family pressure, siblings feel the same. I have one elderly parent left who is in a nursing home. I don’t really want to go into a nursing home but more importantly, I do
not want my adult children to look after me so the nursing home it might be.
Ladies ( and it is usually women) please don’t waste what good years you have left by taking on caring responsibilities. You are entitled to some good years after you have stopped working.

Or maybe it's a 'dereliction of moral duty' to live your life without any thought for the consequences of your actions and expect your 'loved ones' to put their lives on hold and break themselves mentally and physically to deal with those consequences. Just another angle.
This thread is about feeling angry and resentful that people make themselves more ill than they might otherwise have been, not that anyone who had a drink now and then should be out on the scrapheap.

Ludicrous, inhumane reactions here. Life is harsh and unpredictable. Some choose to take the edge off with a few drinks and so on. The risks are laid out. One doesn't have to hang around helping out sick, elderly relatives although I feel it a dereliction of moral duty to do so if they have been decent people. Good luck for old age & infirmity for the judgemental types on here 🙏

@Mischance your circumstances and attitude so very much mirror my own, right down to the "well if I die it might be for the best, but I'm not suicidal" type of thoughts .

as I tell my adult child, being old is no job for wimps.

But we keep buggering on because, what else can we do?

But even with prevention, there will be a period of deterioration.

The body literally breaks down. It's a malfunctioning machine which leads to death. Yes, you can extend the life of the machine with perfect fitness. But the machine will eventually break.

You're being unreasonable because you're under a huge amount of stress and strain; that's allowed.

Anecdotally, the people I knew who lived to a ripe old age with very few health issues and we're no burden to anyone around them were those who socially pickled themselves in booze and smoked like chimneys. And I have known plenty of people who take careful care of their health who have fallen victim to serious health issues requiring a lot of input from others to manage their lives.

As others have said, there are no inevitable outcomes (unfair as that is) so your anger is not really rational (you would be no less stretched and stressed if these people had lived exemplary lives but ended up ill anyway, which is perfectly possible) but it is understandable in the situation you are in.

Your anger is self-communication, though. You can't be all things to all people and you're no good to anyone if you break completely. Be kind to yourself and try to push through the guilt and discomfort of saying 'no' to what you can't reasonably manage.

@Mischance i'm not extrapolating my situation to anyone else though

There are many of us on here who have what is described as "dead parent envy". More fool me, I thought having one was going to be easier than two. Although maybe it is? I have no way of knowing how much of a PITA dad would've been if he'd been here.

I'm not even having to much of anything at the moment. Although my mother is constantly threatening to get rid of her carers. (to me not to them). I'm actually quite worried that the care agency will say they can't see her anymore, because she seems to be getting better and better. When we first employed them, she wasn't well at all.

there have been four 999 calls in the last year. No, I'm not very resilient. After years and years of this, I find it incredibly difficult to cope with. It's just repeated stress and it never goes away. I do find that some people just do not understand it and they probably never will. But some people have more of a caring gene, I suppose.

I did also have depression and anxiety which was diagnosed decades ago, in the days when it was still something to be ashamed of. So no, I don't cope with this at all. I no longer feel the need to apologise for that.

You ask what will happen when it's me - I don't have children. I don't have anyone. I am literally nobody's burden. Perhaps that's not a bad thing.

I'm not suggesting for a minute that people become expendable or whatever. I'm simply saying that I am sick of it.

i now understand people who move a very long distance away from parents. I've been away this week, I've even thought about it. But I do actually really like where I live. And I don't really want to start over again.

It's literally just wanting to run away. I mean, this could go on for 10 years. The past is depressing on this front, the present is depressing on this front and I don't know how long it's going to spoil my future.

I have lost most of my 40s dealing with my mum and that realisation hit me hard when I turned 50. It's so sad. I will never get those years back.

Someone will inevitably come along and ask "but what did you want to do with that time?" honestly? I didn't want any family obligations. I don't have a massive list of things that I've missed out on that I should be going and doing. And the world has changed too much since 2020 anyway for me to do a couple of things I would like.

So yeah - imagine another 10 years of this and I'll be 60

Or maybe I won't. There's a 50 something in the local area who died suddenly from cancer - her son told me it was very short from diagnosis to death. That lady's 94-year-old mother is still around.

hasn't someone written a book about this? I'm sure there was a book mentioned - by an Australian lady. I think she's in her 60s and she's saying how difficult it all is.

and no, I wouldn't want to go no contact with my mum.

It's good to have an anonymous space where we can say these things

I will go because @earlypondering I don't want to hijack your thread.

I went no contact for exactly this reason. You can too.

I would leave them all to it.

You need to look after yourself and your nuclear family.

They brought it all upon themselves so just leave them.

I have a similar experience. The way you feel is entirely understandable. People who have not gone through years of care, for people who knowingly abused their bodies for years on end, have no idea how it completely consumes and wrecks the lives of the family around. I have always maintained a healthy life, but I’ve switched it up a gear even more since caring for parents and parent in laws who spent decades drinking far more than the recommended amount, ate unhealthy food copiously, smoked, never did an ounce of exercise, and would openly scoff at those who did. Yet the speed with which they all were on the phone expecting me to pick up the pieces when it caught up with them was rapid. Not an ounce of care for my own life, needs, or that of my young children who at times barely had my attention for weeks at a time, whilst I battled caring duties. The generation before my parents, my grandparents, were much healthier for much longer because they didn’t abuse their bodies in the same way. They lived independent, heathy lives to late eighties, then passed quickly. My parents needed care from late sixties. I’ve been caring for them for over a decade, and it could easily be another decade. I ponder that I’ll probably actively care for them longer than they could be arsed to actively parent me. From about age 13 I raised myself whilst they got pissed in the pub.

Sorry, NOT altruistic

You haven’t described the level of care that you are doing, but it’s clearly having a big impact on your life and not in a good way. There’s a huge spectrum between doing absolutely nothing at one end and running yourself into the ground at the other end. And posters on here can help find a balance that works better for you, because you only have one life - why spend it feeling bitter and burned out by choices that other people make and which you can’t control?

You can’t change how your parents have chosen to live, you can only choose what you do in response to the situation. Simplistic, maybe, but also true.

I understand OP and I think you’re getting a hard time on here by some posters.

My DF had pulmonary fibrosis, never smoked, looked after himself, ate well and walked everywhere, because the last thing he ever wanted was to be was a burden to anyone in old age, and he did everything in his power to stay as healthy and independent as possible. I was so pleased that I was able to care and look after him in his final years, of course there were trying times but I knew it was just as upsetting for him as it was for me.

How would I have felt if he had abused his body, and took for granted that I would be there to care for him? I’m sure I would end up feeling pretty resentful. Caring responsibilities are relentless, especially when you’ve got your own family to care for too and work. You’ve had more than enough of your share and it’s no wonder you’re burnt out and numb to dfils diagnosis.

Is there a well-known link between smoking, drinking and dementia? Because there definitely is between smoking, drinking and cancer. OP has every right to feel angry. Stepping away is good advice, but for your own self-protection…and why should OP have to pay for care?

They may try and guilt you into helping. Other family members may also try. Dont buy into it. Step back. Get carers, SS, etc in. People get infirm later in life sometimes regardless of lifestyle. You have a choice about how much help you give. Doing it, resenting it, and getting bitter, is no way to live.

I think you have a very simplistic understanding of health and how much control any of us have over it. It’s not a linear equation: bad habits = poor heath in later age. There’s plenty of oldies who drink, smoke and eat poorly and die of something completely unrelated. Or live just fine then drop dead of a heart attack.

My parents have plenty bad habits, but this is the life that they enjoy. I certainly don’t think they are any less deserving of care in old age because they drink more than the recommended limits or because they eat chips too often.

if you don’t want to provide whatever level of care you are giving, then stop. Take responsibility for your own choices and for your own happiness, rather than being bitter and a martyr. The only choices you can control are your own.

If a young person becomes disabled or dependent and needs help do they lose their worth, become expendable? I spent 25 years of my working life defending the rights of those with disabilities and feel passionately about this.

I know how stressful it is to look after an elderly parent, as well as knowing what it is like to nurse a sick OH through early onset Parkinsons. It was stressful ... it is not what I would have chosen as ideal .. but it is life ... it is real. And I respected the individuals. We cannot have life as we choose ... we have to take life as it is.

Lobby for better care services, tap into every entitlement, ring fence your time so that you are not the sole carer .... but please recognise that one day this will be you .......