I have become so bitter

Not sure it works like that. Poor choices make ill health more likely, but you can live an exemplary life and still get cancer, heart disease, Alzheimer's.

We all like to think we will be different, but the reality is, if you don't drop down dead, you end up frail and dependent eventually. All we can do is look after our own health to stay independent as long as possible.

No matter how healthy our lifestyle is, we all die of something in the end, and sadly it’s often drawn out and unpleasant. That’s not to say we shouldn’t try to limit our risk factors where we can, but illness and/or old age is coming to us all sooner or later!

To answer the posters above (sorry, I don't know how to include your names), we were given a choice of two care firms picked out for us who had "space" for us, both private companies. Their websites indicate that the rate we are paying is a bit less than their standard rates. Since then I have researched others - either no "vacancies" or even higher charges, or no online inspection reports (which I know are no guarantee of anything really), or did not bother to reply. We live in an area with a high proportion of elderly folk and little industry to keep younger people here, so demand is sky high. Most of the carers employed live outside the area and it being a rural area they can be visiting folks 10-20 miles apart (and are paid for the travel cost and time) which the care companies need to cover.

We were also told that as my DH has instability issues we need two carers at a time, so that doubles our cost. At the moment I can just about manage the general caring stuff, and am improving at getting him in/out of bed and supervising his walkiing exercises safely so hoping to cut down the hours we need them. Also hoping that the physio chap continues to visit (not seen him in two weeks) to add new exercises for him to do.

All that said, we have a hospital appointment tomorrow to discover the findings of the recent brain/body scans he had two weeks ago, so the future is dependen on what we learn then.

Yes, our savings are more or less equally split already.

It's been a dreadful shock to us both, in terms of the cost and time taken to get through the day and night.

I can't imagine having a live-in carer would be any cheaper, but worth a thought.

To the posters re the theme of this thread which highlights the selfishness of some people in their old age, remember that many of our generation grew up not knowing the dangers of drinking, smoking and not exercising, and lots of us are sadly suffering as a result of our own abuse of our bodies - and I count me and DH among these even though we have always been moderately active and not overweight, but it wasn't done out of laziness rather out of ignorance.

Even so, we will do our damndest not to be an undue burden on our children but nor do we want to be bunged in a care home unless it is essential. We (well at least !) still have things I can contribute to society (as a retired accountant I do the accounts of several local charities), and that I enjoy, and I'm not yet willing to part with tons of dosh for someone to do the basics for my DH at such a cost.

And yes, we do have savings but at £1,500 - £2,000 a week in a care home around here, our savings won't last long at all.

I echo all that Mischance says. I don't know what the answer is.

I used to laugh that the local education authority were always shocked at the number of 4-5 year olds wanting places at primary school each year when birth statistics are so easy to obtain, and now the same applies to the number of elderly but infirm folks living longer due to improvements in healthcare.

You couldn't make it up!!!

Love to you all, and thanks for listening.

Exactly. One of my gran's died aged 71 with a sudden heart attack. Bless her, she smoked like a chimney and enjoyed a whisky and coke (or three). Just gone, like that.

My other gran was far more clean living - smoked when younger but stopped, didn't drink beyond a sherry at Christmas. Lived until she was 89, the last ten year she spent living with my aunt and developing worse and worse dementia. She went wandering one night when my aunt left the door unlocked and was found hiding behind a neighbour's shed in their garden, far from home, with a broken arm. Eventually they had to put her in a home - terrified, unable to recognise anyone, permanently agitated until she finally passed away.

There are no guarantees in life and we'd be foolish to think otherwise.

I am very glad that there are older people out there with that mindset and I have known some myself, particularly from the generation that survived world war 2 and had such a strong sense of duty and enjoyed retirement but also wanted to help others. Unfortunately not all are like that and I think that is what a lot of the conversations on this board are about. My mother was the complete opposite - expected me, but not my sibling, to be at her beck and call with no consideration for anything other than her own wants and needs. I was so relieved when she went at 76. Yes, everyone gets old and we will all deteriorate and die eventually but an awful lot of people have multiple avoidable health conditions from poor lifestyle - obesity, alcohol, smoking, drugs, lack of exercise. It is extremely frustrating to support a family member who does all the things that will make their existing poor health much worse, knowing who will have to pick up the pieces.

I feel your pain. I nursed my late OH through Parkinsons - he was younger than your OH.
What you are paying per day for the 4 visits is mad - did you arrange this yourself via a private agency, or did the LA put you in touch with them?
As you rightly say you can bet your life the commode is needed the minute they step out of the door.

I finished up with full time live in care for him, but that was not without its problems - the list is endless .... But no more expensive than what you are paying for pop-ins. Although this was 6 years ago.

Unfortunately the whole care system is in disarray and those who are just saying "Get carers in" have no idea what a minefield it all is. I am still recovering 6 years later - it was a complete nightmare.

Sorry.. after re-reading it should say angry about them dying and how they died.. especially my wonderful mum with Alzheimer's.. not angry at them.. they were lovely parents..

Blinking heck OP.. I was bloody angry about my own parents deaths/level of care needed/feeling overwhelmed sometimes and they had relatively healthy lifestyles. I can't imagine adding the fact that they didn't try and help themselves in to the mix. I'm sorry that you and Mr Op are having to deal with this..

@Meg8
Can you arrange to pay for the care privately, rather than through the local authority/social services? I think you might be paying for their administration too,
If this is a permanent situation then you should make sure that you and your husband’s money is properly split as you need to safeguard your share. They cannot take your house as you are still living there. How about respite care in a home for your husband?

That sounds extortionate! I would approach your local social services and ask them to support you to find a new care agency. Even if you’re self funding you can still ask the local authority to arrange care on your behalf and 4hours care per day should not be costing anywhere near £160! My local authority pay about £16ph for carers, which would half your costs

TBF smoking and drinking could cause a massive heart attack or stroke and then they could die quickly without a slow decline over 20 years. Then they’d be no burden on you at all.

My 80-year-old DH had a fall 10 weeks ago and became bed-bound. The Elderly Care Team arranged a bed downstairs (I now have no usable living room) and other stuff and it was free for the first 5 weeks. We now have carers calling 4 times a day for 30 minutes and it is costing us £160 A DAY! That is about £60k a year for just 4 x 30 minutes a day. Attendance Allowance for day and night care is a meagre £420 a month - that pays for just 3.5 days. Additional costs are incontinence pants, a commode, excessive washing/drying of clothes and bedding and the rest. And there are no visits between 9 p.m. and 9 a.m.

I am saying that "getting in carers" is no easy fix - assuming you can find any in the first place. Of course, he never needs the commode during their visits (half an hour) so it all falls on me (his wife, age 75 and recovering from cancer). Feeding, bed-making, hourly exercises - all down to me. As are ALL the household tasks including the garden.

I don't know what the answer is. Our DDs both have fulltime jobs and children to bring up, and one is 200 miles away.

OP I hear your anger. How utterly frustrating to watch the inevitable slow motion car crash that could have been prevented.

Some of us are here on these boards without that layer of frustration, but it’s utterly shite either way.

There’s nothing you could have done to prevent your parents acting the way they did, and it’s not fair that you now have to pick up the pieces. Decide what you realistically can (and want to) do and make a plan for the next few years.

If you’re not already there then join the Cockroach Cafe thread - it’s been a life saver for many of us

Yes not nice. Oh I dont stand for threats either. She not going into a home says theres no staff. Lol. All you can do is drop the rope/cut your visits. Its hurtful. Anyway thats families eh

You don’t have to.

you call up adult social services and you tell them you need a Care Act Assessment for needs and support (council have a legal obligation to identify those with care and support needs) and you let them get on with it.

You are not obliged to run around after your parents. No one is

Using the will as a threat is deeply wrong.

If she has to go to a care home in the end there will be nothing to leave in the will, cate home fees are £8k+ a month. It’s not worth the blackmail

Limit the help you’re providing - you have children and a job. You don’t owe them being their full time nurse. They can apply for care, surely they have other children as well

Forget the will. Don't allow it to be held over you. You have to say "I'm not interested in your message money". And mean it.

Hate it too. Then the Will is threatened if I dont play ball. Drags you down minding elderly. My friend says her mam had her in tears lately

I have huge sympathy for the OP and others who are going though such a bad time with dependent relatives who are making their lives so difficult; but I do think it is important not to assume that this is the norm. As a retired woman a lot of my friends are of a similar age and some have disabilities, as I do, although most are not widowed, as I am and managing alone.

For the sake of balance, all my retired friends share my views and approach to the business of aging as I do and care deeply that their AC should not be burdened.

That is not tro belittle what the OP and others are going through but just to represent the other side of the coin.

I worked as a SW with mostly people with brain injury, but also at times elderly people, and I would endorse the advice that many have given which is to contact Adult Services - they are imperfect and underfunded but can hopefully point you in the right direction. I do of course understand that the person needs to accept the needs in order for this to be a successful route and this can be the stumbling block.

It is also worth looking at voluntary agencies locally - they are often able to be more flexible.

The thing is it is really a choice. No one has to do anything they feel is detrimental to their own health and wellbeing. It's hard to say no, but if it is the difference between quality of life for yourself, or even health and wellbeing, and running yourself into the ground, don't do it.

My own mother has always been an awful parent. I have no relationship with her really. She genuinely doesn't understand why I don't enjoy her company, want to see her and and spend time with her. She upsets and hurts me on an ongoing basis because she has absolutely no self awareness. I unfortunately live close to her , and the guilt of not doing more eats me up. If I am honest I can't stand her. I avoid seeing her for months and don't get in touch much. That makes me an awful daughter, but when I try and do things for her practically she inevitably tries to take me down a few pegs, and the whole cycle starts again.

Clearly that sort of emotional blackmail is wrong but this is not what I see ... I see elderly friends trying desperately to cling on to their independence and be as little of a burden as they can

Indeed and I too will get carers in as and when needed.
But this will not stop my AC worrying about me or wanting to help me and find ways of including me in family fun. They will not just assume that paid care is the whole story

I felt real resentment when I had to go sick to care for dad in his final weeks, I felt some feelings of relief when he died, and I feel awful writing it. He never asked to get cancer, he had a short prognosis with no treatment, no hope for him.