Negative, moaning elderly mum.

You can get lightweight rolators. My dad had a heavy one and getting it in and out of the boot of my car sreiously knackered one of my shoulders (rotator cuff injury). So I asked Mr Google and got a lovely lightweight one. Now I regularly kidnap him from his care home and take him to the pub....😁

Can unfortunately relate. It’s a groove they get stuck in and rarely get themselves out of. It’s exhausting constantly pointing out their way of talking and calling it what it is. My family members haven’t chsnged no matter what tactic I try so I have also given up and see / speak to them far less to save my sanity. I pray every day I don’t end up like them!!!

Join me in the probationary period of getting in touch with one's inner curmudgeon!

I absolutely think people have a right to be like this and do understand the reasons - but you can’t be suprised why others don’t want to see you as often as you would like or support you -

It's very sad to hear people complaining about their elderly parents.

Life has not been a joyride for elderly people

You don't walk in her shoes everyday

Don't forget You too will be old one day

Shame on you.

Make the effort to help and listen and complain less

My mum is 73 and the same. It’s a constant stream of which neighbour she’s currently taken against, throwing shit around the house in a temper when looking in a cupboard 🙄 and I’m either a fat arse or I’ve gone too thin.
solidarity ❤️

Honestly you sound like you are doing your best. It is good enough. She is not going to change at this time in her life. You deserve peace too. Just do what you can manage, don’t expect it to be positive and just keep doing your best.

I sympathise as my Dad is like this, and is much younger. I don't think there is anything you can do except try to limit your exposure to it.

It is hard work sometimes 😔 my mum is in her 80s, quite frail & immobile, can't see or hear very well. She does like to have a moan and talk about her ailments a lot and read me crap from Facebook most of which is just fake news 😂

All her siblings have died. Most of her friends have died or are in care homes with dementia.
I nod and sympathise and try and turn the conversation to more cheerful things. I do it because I can see how the loss of her independence and freedom has affected her and because she was a brilliant mum to us over the years. Getting old and reliant on other people is shite.

I had a trick with my nana, bless her when she was alive.

She could also be negative at times but you could also have a good conversation with her.

My trick was I used to let her moan for like ten, fifteen minutes then I'd distract her with conversation about another topic and we'd have great conversations after that.

My dad used to struggle being in same room with her after a certain amount of time due to her being negative but he was amazed and actually enjoyed talking to her afterwards.

It's just about diversion, deflection and a good choice of more positive topics to distract with.

Hope it works for you.

Being negative is a choice - at first anyway. This would drive me potty - funnily enough its nmy younger sis and not my mum who is worst for this, complaining not only about what is/isn't happening, but also complaining about things she thinks might happen. It's very wearing. And she gets cross if you challenge her, it proves you don't see all the threats and errors (by everyone) she can see, so you're deficient too!

It definitely stems in part from anxiety - but then I'm also an anxious person, but I'm embarrassed to moan about things , so I don't.

Is there any hobby you can do together nothing complex: watching a programme you both like, a game. Feeding the birds, or dare i say it going to the blinking garden centre, just to give you both a distraction and something different to talk about.

My DM is the same. Criticises and complains constantly then when you call her on it she gets defensive and huffy. She moans about everything … from the way my dad walks, to the ending of books and films, to not being called “madam” in shops. It’s so draining! I try to be super positive as a consequence which is probably annoying in a different way.

I’m not stopping you having an opinion, I was responding to your comment that I was being simplistic.

It would be interesting to know if people who have managed to maintain a good relationship with an elderly parent did anything in the “rich lives” ballpark when their parent was younger.

My mum is 84 but in better physical health than most people her age. She has a very active social life but this is dwindling slowly, partly due to the health (and death) of her social circle and partly, imo, because she is determined to bicker and argue her way through any social interaction. I just don’t see how my siblings and I can provide any kind of rich life. Not a chance she would do anything nice with any of us. She doesn’t like us to do anything nice even without her. I’ve never been shopping or to a NT property or a casual meal with her (been to wedding etc but not a non occasion thing). I think she’d rather gouge her eyes out than look at a sunset with us. We’ve never had a cup of tea in a cafe since I was about 7/8. We’ve never been to the cinema or even watched a film at home. I don’t think she is suddenly, or even gradually, going to open herself up to doing things with us.

I’m doing the same as you are - giving my opinion.

We don’t know the OP but I can give my opinion just as you can give yours, and I can also comment on other people’s posts, just as you’ve done.

Let’s remember that the OP is pretty fed up. That suggests to me that being patient and giving more of herself hasn’t brought the desired results for her or for her mother.

I am absolutely with you on this. Our species seems to be worse and worse at 'humaning' and accepting and working with pregnancy, childhood, diasbility, old age, and anything that is not Peak Productive Phase of the life cycle.

You have my sympathies OP. It can be incredibly draining and upsetting spending time with someone who is always negative, even if you understand and can sympathise with the reasons. But I agree with @BettyJoanPerske about not setting yourself on fire to keep your Mum warm. Do what you can do and take a break when you need it, your mental health matters too.

It’s not simplistic at all. Obviously not all people are the same and we don’t know a thing about OP or her mother or her relationship but that doesn’t mean making suggestions is wrong. It’s funny how all the negative suggestions like ‘reduce contact’ are accepted but the idea of leaning in is not.

Mine is like this and I’ve just posted on my own thread how it’s sort of come to ahead with me alongside other stuff.

My DM was always negative I can recall her being unpleasant in the past I think it was so normal I was just blind to it.

My DM has been rude about people in a prejudiced way.

Further to the above she has said things that have been insensitive and hurtful for me but I’ve said nothing as. I’m too scared to upset her or fall out with her at this age she is at.

In summary she is a bitter self absorbed person that has got worse over time. Bit she can also be very kind towards others so not completely bad….but lord the last visit was very trying

You not agreeing with my opinion does not mean I’m bossing people about.

OP did not mention abuse. Just inconvenience and distaste.
You seem to have strong views and negative experiences. I am sorry.

Not everyone is 'lucky' to still have a parent. Not speaking for OP, but if a parent was abusive, would you say they were 'lucky'? I think people on here are far too inclined to try to guilt and shame people who don't want their lives to centre around elder care.