State of FIL house

It’s only your problem because you are choosing to get involved. you could walk away - people often do. So if you choose to be involved try to acknowledge it’s a conscious choice that you are making here. Own your actions.

Try not to get too angry with your SIL - if her mum died young, her father is a complete arse, and she’s neurodiverse, that’s a lot for anyone to overcome and live a ‘normal’ life. what is your DHs relationship with her? Can he talk to her?

Does your SIL have an issue with the state of the house? If neither she nor your FIl care, why are you so concerned about it - especially as you’ve done what you can to change things and make it better for them, but they clearly don’t want your help 🤷‍♀️

Stop being so feeble OP. Why on earth don’t you and your DH go in and clean and if FIL kicks off, tell him to stop being bloody stupid. Sometimes you have to tell people what’s what.

Apologies if you know this already, but you have to release the mice very far away (a few miles IIRC) or they just come back.

It shouldn’t be and it doesn’t have to be but you are choosing to intervene.

Mice traps don’t solve the root of the problem btw. You need to pay a private company to work out where they are getting in and to put poison down to kill them all. It’s the only way to get rid of mice and we have tried humane traps and releasing mice but the problem doesn’t go away until you use poison. Which is horrible I know.

The ideal situation would be for SIL to get out of that house. Surely the possibility of violence against her is something to work on somehow? How awful and she may be very vulnerable and not in a position to stand up for herself. I think that aspect needs to be addressed first.

Then see what happens. Although these situations are often impossible to rectify or improve to any great degree unless FIL is taken into full time care, and SIL manages to get carers/cleaners in, and be living separately to her father.

You sound very caring and thoughtful, but in the end you can only do so much.

What a difficult situation.

regarding your FIL, it he’s choosing to live like this, then does it really matter if it contributes to his death by exacerbating his COPD or he has a fall etc? He has to die of something, eventually, and he is at least living as he chooses. More likely it will provoke a crisis eventually which will lead to change.

I’m more concerned about your SIL. Does she have any contact with the outside world ? Does she work? Does she have a social worker? What kind of relationship does your DH have with her?

This is on SIL. Lay out three no cost to her options for practical support to the SIL. Tell her this is it, she needs to pick one. Let FIL know this too. If she/they refuse, yes let them live in their own filth - they obviously don't care enough to do anything.

I would drop the rope and stop considering it my responsibility to solve. He’s only your FIL - it’s up to his own children to intervene if anyone should.

Can you bring in the council pest control to deal with the mice?

Hoarding is an actual recognised condition, maybe connected to his alzheimers. As for the sister sounds like she needs to get herself sorted, especially with a recognised condition.
It sounds like you have been trying to do things like the lounge, which I agree sounds bad but obviously is not going to work as the collections are important to him.
If I were you, concentrate for now on the kitchen and bathroom. You could put mouse traps down behind freezer cooker, etc. try to clean as much as you can. try to find out where the food has been stored to help stop the mice.
as for the dog can you bath him you can get dry shampoo then make sure he is wormed and got flea treatment
does your father in law have any support such as a specialist or social worker?

@Hohofortherobbers your DH is not under any obligation to care for his parent, especially not one who abused him. He can do the social care safeguarding referral or contact his GP with safeguarding concerns and then back away. If they try to ask him what help he can provide make sure they know that he isn't prepared to help/care for them.

Agree with this. You can't change your FIL and SIL, all you can change is your reaction and how it affects you. Support your DH in walking away. You have done more than enough for someone who doesn't sound like they deserve much from you at all.

Have you thought about contacting your local Fire Service and asking them to do a home safety check? They are amazing. They will turn up and can say that they are doing it for all homes in the area - they will look at the state of the house and offer safety advice, but can also make safeguarding referrals to other agencies if they are concerned. You don't need to tell FIL that you arranged it, just have them turn up. You can request it online. It might be a way to send in some support in a subtle way while distancing yourself.

Best wishes to you. You sound lovely and caring. Please don't let SIL and FIL be the millstones that drag down your joy. x

Leave them to rot in their own filth and minimise contact. Don’t formally cut contact, but take a step back. You cannot help and you cannot fix. So you’re better concentrating on your DH, family and home.

This might sound callous, but it isn’t.

My friend works for the council (as an independent contractor) dealing with situations like this. It’s a psychological disorder, you can’t just go in and clean. What happens is (generally) a relative reports to SS the issues and they go round have a look and guess get the person to agree to get some help. My friend is then employed and goes to deal with it. She has seen some shocking cases, but has the educational and experience to help. She’s been hit, she’s been shouted at, she’s been spat at. But it’s because the objects in the house, be they a valuable book or photo, or a piece of trash, means something. She has done great work and tries to work with the clients to get a system in place so they don’t return to the state things were before. Your FIL needs professional help, not a cleaner.

True and mental capacity can fluctuate and is decision and time specific, but if a person is self-funding and you have LPOA then you can at least begin to act on their behalf to engage care services. You can also appeal any decision to reject the private assessment. It would be lovely if social care would actually support families to safeguard their loved ones so this wasn't required, unfortunately in my experience they can fail to correctly assess capacity.

In my DAunt's case a social work assistant (not a qualified social worker) kept deciding that she had capacity because she stated she didn't need any help. She was left opening the door to strangers half naked, eating only old mouldy melted tubs of ice cream, refusing help yet openly telling them when asked how will you get food? 'I don't know, something will work itself out' when they knew full well she had no means to get herself food as she didn't leave the house and wouldn't accept food deliveries (they saw this first hand when they were there and I ordered an online shop to be delivered). I complained multiple times to the GP and social care trying to get them to safeguard her. They failed her. The day before she was admitted a crew of paramedics left her at home after a fall because she stated she didn't want to go to hospital. That was after the GP had finally listened and assessed her as no longer having capacity and completed another urgent safeguarding to social care. The GP then called another crew of paramedics that found her on the floor again scooped her up and took her to hospital. Both they and hospital doctors treating her were shocked at the state of her, she was under six stone in weight and very malnourished.

Firstly, please do not beat yourselves up about what the paramedics may think. You are not “cruel children” or failing them because you cannot magically make two adults accept help. Houses like this do not become this way because nobody cares, they become this way because there is often a knot of dementia, anxiety, attachment to possessions, loss of control, isolation and exhaustion.
I looked after my mum through dementia, and one thing I learned is that “but it’s dirty” often does not land when a person sees their belongings as safety, identity or control. The house can become a third difficult family member, with very strong opinions and no willingness to compromise.
It may help to stop aiming for “getting the whole house sorted” for now and focus on the smallest safety wins: a clear route to the door, a usable bathroom, safe food-preparation surfaces, removal of food attracting mice, and pest control. Those are health and safety issues, not a judgement on anyone’s housekeeping.
Your husband may have more luck framing it around keeping his dad independent rather than cleaning: “We want to help you stay in your own home and protect your lungs. Nobody will touch your collection. Could we just have someone do the kitchen and bathroom, or clear one safe walkway?” Giving very specific reassurance that nothing will be thrown away or moved without permission can make it feel less like an invasion.
A cleaner who agrees to a strict “no touching possessions” rule, but cleans only the kitchen, toilet and floors around them, could be a gentler starting point. Even a short regular visit can be better than waiting for the mythical day when everyone suddenly agrees to a full clear-out.
Because there are mice, food in unusual places, heavy dust and COPD involved, I would also speak to the GP, local adult social care team or dementia service and describe the situation plainly. Not as “they are messy”, but: “There is an infestation, the home may be unsafe, COPD could be affected, help is being refused, and we are worried they may not be managing safely.” They cannot necessarily force a clear-out, but they can assess the risks and help bring in the right support.
And please do not try to solve this by repeatedly pushing until you all break. Keep the tone calm, offer small choices, deal with the urgent risks first, and let professionals share some of the weight. Paramedics have seen far more than most families can imagine. They are there to care for people, not award marks for skirting boards.
You and your DH sound as though you are trying very hard in a situation where every option feels wrong. That is not neglect. That is a very difficult family trying to keep people safe.