Moving elderly mother into a care home - advice appreciated!

They always grumble about the home.

Having done this my top tips are:

• identify what your mum enjoys and check those things out. My mum loved food and a glass of wine but was never that fussed about housework. We had lunch at the homes she was considering and the quality of lunch and chilled attitude to a glass of wine is ultimately what closed the deal
• make sure there are plenty of other residents with the same amount of cognitive decline as her. Ie in your case make sure the home has plenty of people with little to no cognitive decline - harder than you’d think. And check how the home manages this with activities etc. Is the “art” nursery level or is it life drawing classes?
• consider the longer term - what level of dementia can they manage? Is it a nursing home or residential only? How long before she runs out of £ and what then? But don’t base your choice 100% on things that may never happen, somewhere that’s right for the next 3 years is fine.

This was my mum’s decision. But for your mum if she’s uncertain then maybe pitch it as a trial - if she still has capacity to choose to return home then don’t infantilise her by pretending it’s definitely short term.

It may already have been covered upthread but jic … finding a setting where card, nursing and dementia care can all be provided was a good decision.

otherwise, however lovely the care home you may be faced with all the disruption of finding and moving to an entirely different home as needs increase rather than being wheeled to a different floor of the same home.

Just a little update @Giraffesdotty
We had to return to DFs house last week to attend a medical appointment. I was worried that he would refuse to return to the care home. However, he wandered round gathering up a few bits and bobs. Then on the journey back announced ‘I’ve definitely made the right decision to move’. I can’t tell you how relieved I am.
So-4 weeks in - it’s not perfect. he’s still not loving it. He’s still grumbling about things and still getting used to the new setup. But underneath he has shown he knows it’s the right thing to do.
I do think being around to facilitate the changes have been key to helping the settling in process
Good luck with your situation. . 😊

I agree with pp there are some practical things in addition to LPAs that I put in place for my Mum before she lost capacity. I asked her GP to do a DNR and more importantly a PEACE plan https://nwknowledgenow.nhs.uk/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/PEACE-information-leaflet.pdf.

I also asked Mum to write down what she wanted for a funeral.

You will also need to supply toiletries which you label. Also think about solo activities she can do e.g. books to read, knitting, puzzle books. Remember to label shoes - a sharpie pen is a good idea.

Paperwork e.g. bank statements, savings etc. keep those at yours and use the LPA so you can start to understand her income etc. If you sell a property and invest it she may need to do a tax self assessment if the interest is £10k or more.

Be prepared to find yourself grieving as you help clear her home as you will have a lot of memories and can’t keep everything.

Photograph the minimal everyday jewellery e.g. watch and wedding ring.

Agree.

I honestly don’t think I would have been able to go on holiday and properly relax without the care home. So, if she’s coping at home for now, I’d trust your instinct and wait until you’re back so you can be there to help her settle in.
We’ve seen DF almost every day during the first couple of weeks, and I think it’s really helped him. He understands that we’re doing this to help and support him, and that it’s a decision we are making together as a family. It feels like his opinion matters, rather than him feeling like we’re just “putting him in a home.” I think that’s making a big difference to how he is settling. I still feel like it’s early days though but I’m cautiously optimistic 🙂

If possible, do a weekly rota of visitors to make sure she sees someone daily. I work in a care home, where I work clothing is labelled by the housekeeping/laundry dept.

Take in any items needed to make it more comfortable, advise on pre admission what mum would prefer when she arrives at the care home. If mum needs help with personal care and assistance when eating advice of this.

if there is a weekly activities sheet let the activities team know of any events she would like to go to.

Where I work, we send the weekly food menu to some residents family members to advise of an alternative if there is anything the resident does not like.

Any complaints you have email the manager / deputy manager of any concerns.

Good luck

Now you say it, I can understand why you want to wait until you are back from holiday. It does take some planning and preparation, and also you don't want to move your mother to an unfamiliar environment and then not be around to reassure her. I hope it all goes well.

Even the best care homes find it difficult to manage the washing of garments effectively.,don’t pack anything that can’t be put on a hot wash. Easy care fabrics that don’t need ironing. Label everything including possessions.

During 'respite' it is all very well but as with all things with the mobile elderly it may well be the fall that gets them. In such an instance, I doubt the care home will take any responsibility. By 'gets them' I mean kills them - some celebs of recent years who have died after a fall, within a very short space of time and even with a fair number of their marbles intact include Jilly Cooper, Des O'Conner, Barry Humphries, Christopher Plummer, Nicholas Parsons, possibly the Queen I would have thought. It's the ones in fact who are mobile who are most likely, those who get hoisted and are in a wheelchair will not have the fall, whereby within a short time they have died.

My great aunt had a fall while on respite in a care home, it wasn't days or weeks but it was the beginning of the end.

So maybe stress this to her and have the respite when you are not on holiday - though Lord knows it bites to pay two grand - a very nice holiday's worth - for a week's stay when a few weeks ago it cost nothing in her own home.

I echo previous posters in that moving your mum in before you go on holiday - initially for respite is the ideal scenario in lots of ways. There is a legitimate reason, with you being away and knowing she will be safe. It gives her a taster without having to make a full commitment so she will feel more in control and also homes are very often quieter and have more spaces available for the very reason most people wait until September!

Your mum would only need dementia care if she was a 'flight risk'. My DM had Alzheimer's, but as she was very immobile, there was no chance of her wandering and she was on a residential floor.

Be prepared for the big bills - we were paying over £8k per month, but that got a lovely home and a very good level of care. The family home will not have to be sold until after her death if that is her wish, but as the previous poster pointed out, if the LEA takes over once any liquid savings are used up then when the home is eventually sold there will be interest on that.

It's a big adjustment. Neither my parents or I ever envisaged either of them moving into homes, but it happened to both in the end. My Dad, who was autistic and needed a lot of routine and his own space took a few months to settle, but there came a point when he said he would rather be there than at home.

Your post has just reminded me that my mother's care home had visits from a sort of 'petting zoo' a couple of times a year - they had rabbits, various fancy chickens, and a donkey! There were also regular visits by an Elvis impersonator, which was very popular with my mother.

I already posted up thread about my nan loving to be 102 in one.
They used to have various entertainment things on. Local school children singing, residents playing instruments or playing games, chair yoga and visits from companion dogs. They had a regular hair dresser and beautician who did nails/eye brows etc. I agree with labelling everything and don't be surprised if things go missing or your find random clothes in her cupboard.

One of the more unusual things was a photo shoot. Nan had some make- up put on, a floral garland on her head and feather boa around her neck. To top it all off, they had a real pigeon sitting on her shoulder! It was the nicest photo of her in her last years, but also the absolute weirdest! I just wish they'd taken some photos without the bloody pigeon and feather boa! 😕

FIL, after MIL died, had a terrible fall, which needed a hip replacement, but in the end, he was bedbound. After the hospital,, he was moved to a home, and I really cannot complain about his care. The bed was always clean, his pads were changed regularly, and he never suffered ulcers, sores, etc. The staff would often pop in just to see how he was. They shaved him, cut his hair regularly, and his T-shirts were always clean and pressed. At Xmas, they had a pint of beer, and for his birthday, he had a lovely chocolate cake to share.
The food menu was on rotation, and the food looked really nice and fresh. I understand if they can get about there was a tv lounge plus regular activities a, lot of which relatives were invited to. There were regular pet dog visits garden fetes etc

Do label absolutely everything, including e.g dressing gown belt - my DM’s went missing, never seen again! With the next dressing gown, I stitched the belt on.

And unless you’re prepared to do her laundry yourself, everythung will need to be machine washable and tumble-dry-able. That meant that some of my DM’s dry clean only trousers had to be ditched.

If any of the CH residents have dementia, please be aware that helping themselves to anything they fancy - and often hiding things - is frequently a feature of the disease. At DM’s CH I once left a new pair of leather gloves for literally a minute or two - vanished!

So another reason for labelling absolutely everything.

The visiting hairdresser once left her jacket with car keys in a pocket, on a chair.

It took staff nearly 3 hours to find it, after eagle-eyed checking of most of the 36 rooms!

I have a madly entertaining and brilliant tip re photos.

If you are at the family home and you happen upon photo wallets with the original negatives, you can take the negs to be scanned at Snappy Snaps. These can be made into photos with all the newness and freshness of a BluRay movie, as if they were taken yesterday!

And yes, alright... this is the less entertaining aspect but 'when the time comes' some years down the line, these photos do inevitably get used for the Order of Service. But in this way one can 'make preparations' without making preparations, if you see what I mean. Best these lovely photos are out and in frames for the person to see while they are actually alive.

I agree it's a good idea to frame it as 'see how you get on'.

My mother had dementia and moved to a care home when she was 82. She settled in well in a few weeks and was very happy there until she died 7 years later. The staff were lovely and were brilliant with her. She had a dementia diagnosis but as far as I remember the care home didn't ask to see the letter.

If you are away a lot over summer and she's still at home I would think about increasing the carer visits. I would also start the process with the care home so that you are ready to go in September. They will want to do an assessment to ensure they can meet her needs.

In terms of practical issues, she can still claim Attendance Allowance while she is self funding in the care home. You would only need to stop it if she became Local Authority funded.

And you will have to label all her clothing etc. I wasn't prepared to sew in name labels so I used iron-on, which worked fine. If she wears glasses, find a way of labelling those too as they get put down on a table and picked up by another resident and nobody knows who they belong to!

From my experience:

1: My DM was adamant that she wouldn’t go into a care home - I think a lot of this was her perception of what it would be like, probably based on the old style of institutional type places. We tried to put help in place for her at home but we knew she wouldn't cope, and there were several crises (one of which involved all three emergency services) which meant I had to drop everything to go and sort things out.

We did sell it as 2 weeks respite and fully expected her to want to come home and I spent those 2 weeks trying to put things in place, but was immensely relieved when she decided that she would stay.

2: The care home will want to do their own assessment. My DM was equally frail and also displayed the same traits as yours wrt to memory loss etc but they were happy to take her without requiring any specialist care.

We have no dementia diagnosis.
We are self funding so they did not require one.
i framed it as ‘let’s try it out and see how you get on’ . if he had been keen to return home very quickly I would have found an issue to stay a while longer-( boiler problem. Plumbing issue etc)
I intend to give it at least a month. We’re 2 weeks in. 🤞