Cockroach cafe - summer

@ManchesterMonkey have you decided yet on your mum renting or buying somewhere near you? Because I was wondering if renting would be dependent on releasing the cash from selling the house. If your mum really wants to move, could she afford to rent somewhere anyway and then you deal with the house and trust on a separate timeline?

I have been a beneficiary of the wonderful advice on this thread for many years. I was my mother’s whipping boy for 70 years and later of her husband. I did everything for them and it was such a relief when they died.

My brother never did any thing and like so many of the relatives on here made things worse by his arrogance and cruelty.

My brother is now trying to relocate to England as his wife has vascular dementia. Because of his wealth he found a luxury assisted living accommodation. in a converted stately home.

Relocating to England has not been the easy transition he assumed He has come majorly unstuck as houses like his in France are difficult to sell. The mansion flat he has owned in England has been on the market for 8 months with only two viewings. When he phoned recently he was so ‘poor me’. I feel really sorry for my SIL as I can already sense how irritated he is with her.

It looks like they are going to be stuck abroad for the foreseeable future .

@NoMoreFluffsToGive Sounds like you're having a difficult time and up against lots at the moment.

@ManchesterMonkey I can sympathise. Even now that we have a definitive diagnosis for Mum, Brother refuses to engage in any discussion about what her future needs might be. I know that nothing will change until the next crisis, when once again I will be expected to go in and sort things out. I have just persuaded Mum that it would be really nice for her to go to a local day-care centre for a taster session, with a view to perhaps going there one afternoon a week to get to know some new people. I've positioned this as a social group, just for a bit of entertainment and company but I think it will really help her mental health and also help her see that help from 'outsiders' is not scary, so it won't be as daunting if/when she actually really needs this. Brother's reaction to this is 'She doesn't need any of that! She has us!' I know that when her needs do inevitably increase he will act as though he had no idea it would happen- which in my view is almost neglectful when I have printed information about her conditions for him to read and a quick google would easily provide him with lots more information about how things progress. Brother has always had a sense of superiority (with nothing to back it up!) and sees paid care, especially residential care, as something that only lesser people would consider- plus of course the fact that it all comes at a cost. His stance at the moment is that he and his partner look after Mum so none of this is my business. I am keeping a diary of all the times that Mum calls me distressed because she has been left alone, times that I am expected to drop everything to sort something out because they can't manage it, things that she needs that she can't access because the their living arrangements etc. I know to anyone who does not know the full story that sounds really petty but I worry that we could get to a stage where she's not safe but she and Brother pretend that everything's fine.
It sounds like in your case the House Trust is making it impossible for you and your mum to just organise the move without your brothers' agreement. Do you think it would be possible for you (with your mum 'in' on what you are doing) to tell them that you are only willing to be involved in helping your mum/organising care etc if she lives near to you so if they don't agree to the move they need to organise between them who will be on call for the next crisis and arrange to each take time off to help for the forseeable future? Could you check what the Trust Deed says about how decisions should be made (eg. are they to be for your mum's benefit etc) and ask them to explain how going against her sensible wishes for care fits with this?

@NoMoreFluffsToGive huge hugs. What a toxic situation.

@GnomeDePlume i think that’s Corporate Golden Boy’s attitude.

Nice middle class clever people don’t get dementia and they certainly don’t move from a leafy village to a not so posh suburb in Manchester (PERFECTLY safe, good transport links, good doctors, supermarket, cute suburb with pubs and cafes near by) to be near their daughter and SIL. I want to suggest that she move to his massive house in very posh German town with lovely granny flat (lined up for his MIL so as not to lose the inheritance on her valuable house) He’s got it all mapped out. How much money does he actually need? His daughters will get a free EU higher education, although he wants Oxbridge for them like we had. Status. He is a fucking idiot.

Un-mumsnetty hugs to everyone struggling.

Probably outing to anyone who knows me irl but travelled hours yesterday to be at a get together for ‘DF’s birthday (a big one) arranged by my DSis. His wife (I will never call that woman a step mother) was there trying to play happy families when the reality is she has done everything she possibly could to divide us since shortly before they married hastily without inviting us as I was pregnant and they “didn’t think I would want to travel” (didn’t ask mind you). As a result he has no real relationship with his eldest grandchildren and our relationship has been irreparably damaged. As much his choice as hers I guess but I sometimes feel like he hates me which is definitely since she was on the scene. He was looking very very frail and shaky. I don’t think we will ever be able to really reconcile.

DH is at his mums doing the usual sunday routine of running her house and admin for her. Managed to sort a lie-in with breakfast in bed for him at least.

DS (think classic failure to launch teen) is doing stupid things again, just when I thought we were finally seeing some signs of maturity.

All in all feeling really low today.

Thank you. I think any kind of diagnosis will have to force a conversation. . Very good chat with my friend yesterday who has been through the same situation (including family fracture) she said think now about what could happen in five years time. If my mum does have the beginnings of dementia, as it’s obvious that she will need more support which in her current house can’t be achieved as eso the option is to find a rental flat around here that she can live in safely with a growing number of adjustments and more than the one care visit she has a week . It is so infuriating that my brothers are avoiding a simple conversation and if she does get all clear what could happen in six months? It’s like things will reach crisis point before sensible conversations are had. Frustrating isn’t the word!

Thank you. Before all this kicked off I had booked for us all to go to the pub for lunch but I have cancelled that. Must wrap my husband's presents.

Given my biological father's indifference and my stepfather's abuse and dementia, I don't really consider that I have a father.

@LynnThese4reSEXPEOPLE sounds very stressful. And today is Father’s Day , I imagine this will be an extra tricky day to handle. Hope you have people who can support you. I phone Samaritans when my situation gets on top of me . You don’t need to be suicidal to call and they listen without trying to fix you

Well, it's been an exciting week at TheseAreSexPeople Towers. I have been signed off work with stress for the first time in my 42 years. Stepfather has, when directly questioned, maintained that he can manage on his own, do own cleaning/shopping/tablets. The wheels are falling off very fast as his bank called me today with concerns about his capacity. He is now no longer in control of his finances following a very long conversation with the LPA department of the bank. They were so, so lovely.

Meanwhile, stepfather seems to have taken strange amounts of his medications. This evening I heated up a meal for him as he has just been eating cereal.

I have a meeting with his other Bank in Monday and a solicitor on Thursday.

I have honestly never felt so distressed, my sleep is fucked. My resting heart rate has gone from ~60 to 105 and I keep bursting into tears.

He is going to go off when he finds out he doesn't control money any more. There is a horrible part of me that just wishes he would hit me, just once, and then it would be over.

Yes I recognise the situation from previous threads when the op was under a different name and from memory she also lived with her mother and it was suggested to her that she moved out because she was finding the difficult behaviours so trying .

@TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne Sending and like pp I hope you are being looked after.
@ManchesterMonkey Even (especially?) if your Mum does get a dementia diagnosis I think moving to be closer to you has to be the best thing for her. It would just mean you have to think differently about where she could move to.
Some of my family members thought I was being overly dramatic too when I encouraged mum to get assessed. From comments on this thread I think some sons are particularly good at only seeing what they want to see when it comes to these things. Right up to the day of the diagnosis my brother was arguing that there was nothing wrong. In my case the diagnosis has forced other people to accept that there need to be some changes made to mum's living arrangements and the help she needs (even though they still don't seem to have a realistic view of how her needs will increase). One word of warning though, if you've just had the initial GP check and they tell you the result is fine but you still think she's not right I would push for a referral anyway if you can. Mum's initial GP assessment apparently showed nothing to worry about but Mum and I both know that there was something wrong so the GP did agree to refer to the next stage. If she hadn't I think we'd have been waiting even longer to get a diagnosis, which was very clear as the full assessments test for much more than just basic memory.

@rookiemere i totally agree. I’m not sure whether I am seeing cognitive decline or not, so it’s reassuring to have it checked out. I think it’s far better to know and then make decisions based on fact and make decisions based on what can be achieved sensibly.

I think my Corporate Golden Boy Brother in Europe thinks I love being dramatic and I’m overthinking things.

But it’s ok for me to carry the can on dealing with mum’s health, home and taking her out. Because of the stupid house trust my dad set up, we are all involved in financial decision making because my mum is, frankly, crap with money. But my mantra is it’s her home and her health and well-being.

And I could see how hurt my mum was that she won’t see her grandchildren this summer.

My WhatsApp message on the memory assessment received no acknowledgement bar a link to a Guardian article about the Andy Burnham result from my youngest brother.

I can’t be arsed. Going to a spa with my pals today for my friend’s birthday and going to enjoy that. I will put it all over Instagram and CGB can judge me as someone who lives champagne but pleads poverty. The actual twat said to me earlier this year ‘how many holidays did you have last year?’
I go camping in Wales with my mate. 😂

Don't worry. I'm having nothing to do with any care home issues. But I'm holding off on visiting because I'm worried she'll seemed as a potential rescuer as I was the only one who used to take her on outings even if it was only the supermarket, the garden centre up the road or for coffee and cake.

@BeMintFatball that sounds awful about your DM, how horrible for you to have seen that and then have her deny it.

@ManchesterMonkeyin some ways a dementia diagnosis is a bit of a red herring. Regardless of what it says, you know yourself if the person you love is exhibiting failing faculties. I worry that you have a small window to move DM closer to you before it becomes too tricky, but maybe if it gets to that point you can move her straight to a home ( if she has enough money) which reduces the caring burden a lot.

@countrygirl99 could you manage to bat anything from the care home to your brother on the grounds that he insisted on that home?

@MrMay i think the advice you received on that last thread still stands. Stop battling with your mum about things that don’t really matter in the big scheme of things or cause anyone harm and focus your energy on finding a solution that enables you to move out.

Arrogance is right.

One of the challagning situations that I am dealing with is regarding house repairs and leaks. It shouldn't be a hard job when you find an issue and to get it repaired but my mother is delaying with apathy and has aggression. It's impoosble to get anything fixed.

One of my brothers came home a the year before last and found a leak and he started shouting at me and my mother for the leak. I was t able to defend myself right there in front of her and tell him that I tried to get it fixed but the mother was refusing. He went storming and sulking off shouting at us that you can't be ignoring leaks.

Well I fucking know that.

He has no idea what our mother is putting me through.

@countrygirl99 is your brother best mates with mine? This male arrogance is appalling.

@rookiemere test results in a couple of weeks. I think my mum is trying to do the decent thing and have us involved. My brothers are not doing the decent thing as they are thinking about money. I know that if it is a diagnosis of dementia I will end up taking on more responsibilty and I’m dreading and thst her moving near us will mean even more shifting stuff over to my shoulders. I can see very clearly how it will play out. I am going to have to get tougher.

Can I get some advice please.

For the past few years I have been observing a lot of odd, odd, odd behaviours from my mother. It's not so much memory loss. It's all behavioural issues like eavesdropping, snooping in handbags when they are left alone, taking stuff that she has no use for, easily angered even though I suspect dementia and I never confronted her. Mindless OCD like tendencies. Like she has loads of resumable facial cleansing cloths and she would stand at the sink with a basin of water lifting them up and down, every day. When I handwash something I just leave it soaking. Her handwashing spells can go up to half and hour and she reminds me of child playing with water. She's definitely seeking a sensorial sensation from water. She can be paranoid. Reduced empathy. There is just so many odd behaviours happening from her.

I strongly suspect one of the rarer types of dementia. Reading online there is an umbrella of dementia and I would put it under FTDbv.

All my siblings live abroad. She can perk up and act in front of them whenever they are home. However behind their backs she has abuse for me. She reminds me of a toddler temper tantruming. They only see a polished version of her.

All my concerns are written off.

I am dealing with a situation and I know it's not a big issue.

Last month I took out the ironing board to go ironing to discover that the ironing board cover was all mouldy. So I took the cover off it. I bought a new ironing board cover but when it came she put it away. Then I found that she washed the mouldy one and she stored it away with the clean towels.

I went to look for the new ironing board cover yesterday and it was hidden. I don't know where it was. I bought the cover to help and she just hid it. It looked to me as if she was never going to use it.

There's also something else, I think maybe her memkry is much worse than what I realise. I think maybe she put it away and forgot about it or she's not able to comprehend what's it in packet is for the ironing board.

She's always doing things where she is is removing what I buy or repurposing things for something else. Like there's no dish draining rack on the sink and I bought one to help but she just removed it and chucked it aside. So wet dishes don't get stacked on a dish drying rack. Just left on a work top.

The cupboard under the kitchen sink was a mess. Absoulte mess. I saw something on tiktok and it was an under cupboard shelf that organised everything. She did use it for a few weeks but eventually she went into a fit of OCD and started to purge that under sink shelf unit and got rid of it for using as a shoe rack for herself.

So the ironing board cover, hidden away has really hurt me. It's just something else for her to write off because I bought it.

Yesterday I came up with a story and I told her that Amazon wants it back because they send me the wrong size and can see please find it. My plan was to get it from her from wherever she hid and when she wasn't around just put it on the ironing board.

Then this morning she started getting angry at me about why Amazon wants it back and she said that she was going to use it but it in the summer time when they come up. Referring to one of my brothers who lives abroad. However I bought that ironing board cover last month and we didn't know what he was doing and we didn't know that he was going to be coming home until the last few days. That just doesn't make any sense to me.

She washed the old ironing board cover however is see there is still a lot of mold stains on it. So I don't know if mold spores were killed in that it not. I don't know.

I really felt she was never going to use the new cover and continue using the old one because it's more familiar for her. I don't know.

I now realise that her memory could be much worse that what I realise but it's just not obvious memory loss.

Now I do t know what to do. Now that I have the packet of new ironing board cover back, do I put it on when she's not looking or do I just return it back to Amazon to get my money back.

Oh gosh @TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne i hope you make a speedy recovery

@Choconuttolata I think she just needs someone to make sure dirty clothes have gone in the laundry bin each evening so she's choosing from fresh clothes. I've never noticed her smelling through lack of washing but she smokes so that may have hidden it but her hair is always clean and I always checked the contents of the shower gel were reducing so I don't think she needs any help there. The home carers weren't helping her wash. I suspect GB has overstated her needs in that respect to make sure he could enforce the move as she hasn't consented previously. The move does mean she is close to him though so that could have sold it. He won't consider my recommendation ever because it would mean she would be close to me and he would lose power. She's in a home because she was leaving the gas hob in and it was dangerous for her and her neighbours so it's right she's in a home but I'm pissed off that she's being messed about when he has slagged off everything I have ever done it recommended and repeatedly told me how useless and incompetent I am.

When we were worried about mum falling we put a camera in the kitchen and the lounge, high enough up so she did not notice them. She always made herself a cup of tea first thing to take back to bed so we would know if she had not got out of bed as normal from looking at the kitchen camera - it covered the hall as well. The lounge one was possibly not necessary but it was helpful to distract her with a phone call if she was doing something dodgy, like the time she invited in a stranger who’d knocked on the door with a hard luck story.