Cockroach cafe - summer

@Lzzyisgod I feel a need to congratulate you on the house sale. Well done, I know how hard that is. I see you’re still spinning plates but the day we completed on our Dad’s house sale was such immense relief and I held onto that feeling to keep going.

So glad you’ve managed to have the time away @GnomeDePlume as you really, really deserve the break 💐

Welcome and welcome back to recent posters - this is a safe place to vent with comfortable chairs and delectable calorie free refreshments sprinkled with magical boundary dust ✨

@SilentDrapeRunner yours sounds a very particular purgatory due to your work and I cannot imagine how many times you’ve bitten your tongue. I think I’ll line up shots of the extra strength special reserve for you to have whenever you need one - thank you for everything you do 💐

@NoMoreFluffsToGive I can relate to your feeling of watching a car crash in slow motion (and the frustration of a parent and sibling who refuse to accept that 'want' and 'need' can be very different).
In my view, my DM will almost certainly need residential care, or at least respite care/visiting carers etc, before too long but is currently at the stage where it's possible to muddle through without. Brother refuses to even consider this and is very annoyed with me for setting some boundaries and refusing to do more than I currently do (which is already at least one full day every week plus lots more time organising things for her from my own home). Earlier this week mum had a HCP visit in her own home- Brother refused to allow this to be at his place (where Mum is currently staying) or to take her to her house for it. It relates to her dementia diagnosis and since I started this process he is of the opinion that all medical appointments are my responsibility. I already have a 1.5-2 hour journey (each way) to her house so collecting her from his place and returning her at the end of the day added just over an hour (15mins each way x 2), so 4.5 hours in the car total for me, on one of the hottest days of the year. When I arrived to collect her Brother and his partner were both at home (as they were when I dropped her back at the end of the day). They are aware that this is just about the busiest time of the year for me with work (except since I am self employed they seem to think I am basically retired).
They, with Mum and some of Brother's friends, are going away for a week (UK self catering) soon. I told them when they booked it that I thought it would be better for them to just go with their child and friends- and that it would be an ideal time for mum to try respite care. It will be in the middle of my very busiest time so I have told them I will absolutely not be able to drop everything to look after her instead. She could go in for a while before so settle in, but know that it was only temporary. The reaction was predictably aggressive. Now Mum is worrying about getting all her clothes etc ready and packed but Brother and his partner have said they won't have time to do it so I will have to spend another day there washing/ironing/shopping etc with her. I think Brother's partner is (understandably) having second thoughts and I suspect they are hoping that Mum will refuse to go and I will have to stay with her. There are other things they have started to say (eg. reference to having days out planned that she won't manage so she'll have to stay on her own some of the daytimes) that make me think they want her to say she won't go. I have told them that this won't be happening but I predict emotional blackmail etc.
Had I agreed that we should look after mum ourselves without carers etc, and discussed holiday times to share care, I would 100% agree that I should facilitate their holiday. But I have made it clear from the start that I will help organise things etc but do not think it's in anyone's best interests to try to care for mum without paid help when we both work and have other commitments.

Hi folks.
Sorry to see so many of us here, but songlad this thread exists x
Things here have changed.
Mum (80) now doesn't leave her home at all except for medical appointments or hospital admissions.
After the last month long admission earlier this year, she totally turned on me.
She doesn't want to know what's wrong, even if its serious, and refused the tests I begged the drs for.
(She has since had one of them)
So, to protect my mh I have stepped back after 12 years.
I resigned as POA and cancelled the CA.
My sister has taken over as POA, I believe.
I pop in briefly twice a week to see her.
It transpires that mum is now paying my sister to do some of what I did!! 🤷‍♀️
I feel guilty as I feel I've cast her to the wolves (my sister) but I just couldn't deal with it anymore.
She's now 5 stone. Her mobility is very poor. I did manage to get the dieticians to visit but she won't take the drinks/powders, so its all a bit pointless.
She urgently needs a colonoscopy but refuses to chase the drs and my sister won't.
Feels quite odd after all these years to no longer have the constant stress. I'm happier and - crucially - so is she.
I've tried to explain that if she needs to go into a care home that paying my sister will be viewed dimly but neither of them care 🤷‍♀️
I'm hoping to move away at some point (I'd happily move now but convincing dh is proving tricky ☺️)

@SilentDrapeRunner that all sounds really difficult (& very relatable!). We have a holiday coming up and I am praying we actually get to go… please!!! 🙏 Both of us need a break.

We’re in the situation where mil (imo) is developing dementia (has heart failure which can’t be helping)… She’s increasingly frail but also incredibly stubborn and doesn’t want to accept that at the very least she needs carers at least 3x a day (she’s dismissed the midday one, and won’t let the others do anything much so basically is hardly eating and not really washing). Realistically she should be in a case home, but… agency/capacity…

Sil was agreeing she needs to go into a home but in a lucid moment mil convinced her she mustn’t let her go into a home under any circumstances. (& I understand the emotional pull of that, I really do, but there’s wanting vs needing… ). So we’re muddling alone and it feels like watching a car crash in slow motion. Oh and to add to the mix she caught scabies during her last hospital stay.

Give me strength…

Sorry @SilentDrapeRunner I realise going away is literally what you just said. But in real terms surely it wouldn’t be beyond the realms of possibility to take a week giving your Dsis notice. She may be a surgeon but she still gets annual leave same as the rest of us.

Sorry cross posted with you I understand

I am so very tempted to do that but am desperately trying to hold out for a few weeks until my mum is in a nursing home and hopefully some stability for at least a few weeks.

Lets not even talk about the funding of the home as my dad is going to be very unhappy indeed that they will have to pay and I have not had the energy to try to talk much with him about this as have been dealing with a series of medical crisis which were supposed to be fatal but unfortunately they have stabilised her to prolong her life of misery.

My mum was not nice to me and my dad is now like a lost child as he was dominated by her so unwilling to leave him to it just yet.

The social worker is being appalling so that is literally the last straw and it’s taking every ounce of self control to not unleash my anger. I work with a lot of social workers in the area so would be career suicide.

Just a few more weeks need to hang in

Welcome @Lzzyisgod. @SilentDrapeRunnerwelcome also, that’s the worst when they both have their own fun type of dementia and your Dsis sounds insufferable. Aren’t you tempted just to book a holiday and leave her to it for a while ?

I am a lurker as on the same journey as you all but things came to a head yesterday involving some very ugly crying on my part. The years of stress buildup just tipped me over.
I have had the usual picture of probably 15 years of dementia slow decline and complete denial. My mum has a frontal temporal type dementia and my dad has some memory and executive function problems probably vascular. Self neglect and no medical input for years . Not even eye tests so no suitable glasses for either of them. Obvious incontinence and complete denial.

The inevitable crisis hit a few months ago when my mum was admitted with severe breathing problems and was not expected to live. I had been advising she needs to see a doctor for weeks but was met with aggressive denial and assurance that she was fine ‘because she says she doesn’t want to go’. Concern was raised to social services for neglect by the hospital.

7 months later and we are waiting best interest decision for nursing home after she bounced in and out of hospital a few times and is back in after becoming violent with care staff when doing personal care.

POA was set up with me and my sister as replacements so still awaiting this to be processed by OPG. At least my dad resigned his POA.

my sister is a high flying surgeon abroad who is far too busy to offer any actual support but of course surgeons are very important indeed so needs to impart her wisdom in a patronising way when she has time.

I work in the care sector and being at work is no respite as know a lot of people involved and I feel horrible that some of my colleagues now know details of about my family situation and my self neglecting parents.

also a neglected family business which my dad is clinging onto and he just about has capacity. Guess who will have to sort that out when the time comes ?

I know I am not wrong to want to book myself into a remote retreat for a month and tell no one. Yesterday I realised I am burning out but this situation is not going to go away.

this thread has been a sanctuary as it is an isolating place to be and the support here is incredible.

Thank you @Mumbles12.

Today's hurdles and battles are:

• try and sort out the tech ddad has managed to lock himself out of for the nth time this week (if it's not the TV, its his phone)
• sort out bills from house sale (hurray though, that sale has been beyond stressful and i ended up dealing it as it became increasingly clear ddad couldn't cope)
• have that conversation about either helping more with finances or possibly activating the Financial LPA.

Welcome to the board nobody wants to be on @Lzzyisgod . Relentless is the right word.

Hello. I've lurked and occasionally posted before but I'm starting to feel I need to be here now on a regular basis, if you'll have me.

I am finding this time of life (helping a parent) utterly relentless as I know many people here do. If it's not one thing, it's another. Another worry, another problem to try and sort/manage/navigate. Every time I think we might hit a plateau something else blooming happens.

I'm usually a fairly strong and stoic person but today I just feel utterly stressed, tired and a little bit broken.

@rookiemere I don't suppose that means fried bread bounces your blood sugar less than regular bread I suppose :(

@MysterOfwomanY DH got one of these blood glucose meters so I decided I should try one as well and it has unfortunately revealed that I seem to be inclined towards reactive hypoglycaemia- in English really low readings after anything carb or sugar based. I mean I kind of knew it because of my symptoms but didn’t know quite how bad it was, so I should go back to carb and sugar free which makes me drop weight very fast.

@rookiemere aging is quite a crapshoot. We can get an idea from how our parents, aunties and uncles turned out (adjusting a bit for smoking, diet, exercise) but there's a boatload of natural variation too.

You have, however, reminded me that looking after my waistline (which DM defiantly refused to do, bless her) is a Good Thing, so thanks for that, as I was thinking idly about a box of chocolates we have stashed away somewhere.

My ER has been up at outpatients today. They're referring her to have her blood flow inspected and to check there's no malignancy, she says. God old age can suck. (Or not! I have friends 5 years older than my elderly relative who are fit as fleas and living life to the full!).

Will pop down tomorrow, thank goodness for car aircon!

I would honestly rather kill my self than put DS through what I went through, and he is an only DC as well like me. I try to comfort myself with the fact he’s male so less prone to noble self sacrifice, but the downside is we won’t have that huge mass of savings that DPs had so at least once they agreed to go into care it was relatively smooth sailing. Plus the stress of looking after DPs should cut a few years off my life. DH is currently exercising and adjusting his diet so he can live forever, I would rather go 80-85.

I have sleepless nights over it. I don’t want my DC to be tied like this.

Yes, DH and I are looking at ways to avoid a mess for our kids. Starting now (mid 50s) by decluttering the house! I've also started a book with details of log-ins and passwords. The kids have finance LPA already. We've done a fact finding mission on all things financial so the kids know what we have. We've done out wills.

@TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne *ing hell. Hope you're being looked after

Hearing everyone's stories I'm kind of relieved it's "just me" - no relations anywhere near Elderly Relative. Even I am well over an hour away at the best of times. I do have a B but he moved to the other end of the country and cut contact with everyone years ago and TBH I'm kind of grateful - at least he's not making things worse!

It was my birthday recently and I missed my DM (who's been gone for over six years now). We used to like buying presents for each other. My stepmum is a good'un but it's not the same - and Elderly Relative I would see once or twice a year (and after COVID it took quite a bit of pressure from me for even that to happen).

ER has been talking about getting live in care and someone from the GP surgery has rung me about this. I was - well, the woman said, "thank you for being candid", (does this mean "brutally frank I am not going to swoop in and devote my life to magically solving problems that can't actually be solved"?) and I said, "I hope I was civil and constructive"...
I was clear I didn't think there was any point in them sending bumf about live-in care to me instead of directly to ER. (Who does, in fact, arrange her own care, cleaner, plumber, hairdresser, gardener, medical appointments etc.)

I said as much by text to ER later and got no explanation.
So I suspect she may just be trying to get "someone else" to magically sort it all for her. An understandable way to feel I suppose.

One day she won't be able to arrange things for herself and then I'll have to step in.

The sad thing is that her real problem is she is old, frail, and suffering from increasingly miserable leg ulcers. And she can't find the motivation to walk about the house to try to help with blood flow.
There's a bit of "magical thinking" that a 24/7 carer will "make sure" she "walks around a bit".
She can walk. She gets herself to the loo and back.
She just doesn't. And I suspect a live in carer would be as effective as the proverbial personal trainer, hired in lieu of any motivation, who finds the client constantly cancelling on them and just paying the late cancellation penalty!

She's tacitly behaving as if me arranging it will conjure, out of thin air, a Disney-style cook/nurse/oldie-PT/Mary Poppins Granny Nanny, who will be wonderful and Make It All Better Somehow. But we know the best she is likely to get is an older, experienced carer who can actually cook and will chatter about her grandkids' doings.

There probably are a few really special carers and if it was just a matter of money she could afford it, but...!
... you have to find them, interview them, check refs & DBS, hire and insure them and pay their tax and NI, (they won't be working min wage for Happy Dignity Care Co that's for sure, they'll be freelance), and do all this not once, but twice, as they need breaks and holidays and then what about sick leave?
By which time she'll be dead. Or I will. Or she'll decide they're not wonderful after all. Or we'll both discover that they were, in fact, conwomen, thieves, or abusers.

I won't "at" the thread creator as hopefully she's safely on hols having a break from all this, but I would like to thank her for giving us this thread where we can vent and provide a little moral support for our fellow Bad Daughters or Not Even Daughters.

That’s very good news, fingers crossed that the solicitor advises that you and your mum can go ahead and big billy bollocks can swing. I do think from your previous posts that you’ve got a small window of opportunity for your mum to cope with a move and still live relatively independently.

Sounds like a horribly familiar story. My Mum also has a huge house that costs a fortune to heat (plus money for a gardener etc that Dad organised when he couldn't do it any more) but bugger all income so she is working her way through her (not very substantial) savings all the time. She should have been well provided for but our parents took lump sums from pensions and even took out an equity release when Dad first retired to enable them to stay in the big house and support Brother (then living with them rent free and doing bugger all). The house is in need of quite a lot of maintenance/refurbishment really so there's quite a lot of expense likely on that in the near future too (not least a new boiler). I think if she sold up now, with the equity she still owns in her house and the savings she still has she could buy a care annuity that would enable her to be looked after for the rest of her life. But Brother is determined to keep her in her house and move his family in (no doubt at her expense- there has been no suggestion of so much as a contribution to bills and if he lifted a finger to help with any DIY or gardening it would be the first time, despite having lived there until only a few years ago). It's frustrating and depressing, but unfortunately all Mum can see is 'I don't want anything to change and my lovely boy says it can all stay the same and he will look after me'. So I suspect I will be faced with either having to try to find a care home for her when funds are depleted even further, there's the complication of someone else living in her house, and things have hit crisis and Brother has to admit he can't care for her. Or try to involve social services when it becomes obvious she's not getting the care she needs whilst Brother tries to pretend everything's fine so he doesn't get kicked out of the house.
Every so often, Mum lets slip comments that must have come from conversations with Brother and his partner. They latest was '[Brother] says they will have to move their mortgage to my house- why do they need to do that?'. I'm sure Brother would say this is just a dementia misunderstanding but I think his plan may well be to eventually take Mum's house and just get a mortgage to repay the equity release. Which would explain the desire to move in with mum, since he would be effectively swapping a tiny house in a run down area for a big house in a nice area. The fly in the ointment is that Mum actually needs proper care.

Luckily, her house is highly rentable. Nice village, very good schools in the next village. Very good size for a family.

Then she’d have £ to rent somewhere cheaper round here and it would free up money so she’s got more. She spent all her money and now relies on state pension. She’s skint.

Corporate Golden Boy suggests that, despite the house being a Fucking barn thst cos it’s ££££ to heat, that she switch on her heating in November and switch it off in March. NO WORDS. It’s north facing and even I, who doesn’t feel the cold, feel icy there. I bet he’s not suggesting the heating methodology to his mother in law…

Grrrrrrr re your brother. Yes, if he deigned to Google he would see that mental stimulation like a social group would help your mum and make her less reliant on you in that way. You’ve read uo, why can’t he? Oh yeah, £££££.

Like you, I’m expected to drop everything to support my mum. Corporate Golden Boy actually said that my mum could go down to the Flake’s house (other brother) down south for a couple of months as ‘respite care’ and ‘to give me a break’. So, he, obviously, knows I’m the carer and bearing the brunt. My mum told him she doesn’t want the upheaval.

I messaged the twats this AM to check in with mum to remind her to stay hydrated. Blue tick, but no response. So, I phone mum to check in.

I think I’m going to have a serious talk with mum about moving, seeing a solicitor to understand the trust and understand whether the siblings and I have equal POA. She can make decisions now as there is no problem with her cognition. I’ve started to look at rental flats here. She could easily afford one with change left over from renting her house. There is a sheltered flat a mile from here with a warden etc.

My brothers are selfish fuck pigs.