Cockroach cafe - summer

It’s been two weeks, she could use a pad or a commode for toileting at night but she doesn’t want to. Apart from the toileting, she does not need overnight care.

I can see that if it's just for one night after a fall I can see that an elderly person might feel reassured that someone was with them. But if it's very disruptive and only your sister thinks it's necessary surely she should be the one to stay.

How is your parent managing generally? If you do for any reason decide to stay with her you need to make it clear to your parent and to your sister that it is disruptive and only a one-off emergency situation. I know from my own experience that social services can advise that an elderly person does not need overnight care even when it seems clear to family that this would be best (I assume there are implications for their duty to find that care). But if the elderly parent and family think this is needed regularly then in my opinion that means they need to look at assisted living etc.

I actually nodded off in the cinema! It was very silly.

When I read about everyone’s bonkers brothers my head hurts… solidarity and good vibes for saint level patience to everyone dealing with these “fine” specimens of humanity!

@BestIsWest, I hope you had a lovely afternoon and managed to switch off and relax a bit!

@Tennas, sending good vibes your way…

Hi everyone - we've had a terrible weekend. Elderly parent has had a fall - they've been checked out and nothing broken but bruised but it's had a impact on their confidence.

Sister is demanding that someone stays with elderly parent overnight. Advice from social services is that there is no need, staying overnight with Mum would be incredibly disruptive for us, we all work full time, have families etc - we do not want to do it.

@BestIsWest Of course it's far easier for your brother to argue with you on what you said to his wife than address the issue of him switching off his phone! Talk about distraction... Anyway sounds like your DH is a good'un with this proposed plan - please turn off your phone while the film is on!

@GnomeDePlume he sounds like a knob to be honest.

I'm an only child which is both a blessing and a curse at the moment.

Had a good chat with my mum at the weekend, she doesn't particularly want to have loads of tests done, but she also accepts that the consequence of not working out what's wrong and having more falls and properly injuring herself is worse.

I'm starting to wonder if suggesting a move to somewhere smaller with an on site warden might be a good idea... But also, she will dither and I'll have to deal with the admin for someone who hasn't moved in 40+ years.

Brothers 😡! I do have one decent one but he's away on holiday at the moment.

Surely he can see care & medicine ( and opinions ) have changed enormously in those past 30 years .
Your brother ( won't put the d to him ) is an oaf .

It’s just not straight forward either. As I was cleaning up, the vacuum cleaner broke and I couldn’t find clean knickers for her! So I’ve had to go out and buy new pants and a vacuum this morning. It’s never bloody ending.

DH has decided we’re going to the cinema to see Minions this afternoon as he reckons I need an hour or two of daftness.

Oh gosh @countrygirl99. That sounds so hard. Your post has me in tears. I am imagining how my own DM will be when it comes to it. She’s lived in her house for 64 years and she misses my Dad so much.
The day is coming closer.
She fell again last night and I had a terrifying call from the Lifeline people at 11 pm saying that she’d fallen through a glass door and they’d told her not to move in case she cut herself.

She had indeed fallen against a glass panelled door and shattered the glass which was everywhere. Luckily she was uninjured.

I couldn’t lift her so had to phone DB who had yet again switched his phone off (landline and mobile) and gone to bed so had to phone SIL. I didn’t hold back and told her how pissed off I was about this (this is the 4th or 5th time this year I’ve had to call him because DM has fallen and he’s switched his phone off.)

Anyway, he arrived and we struggled to get her to bed via the commode while having a stand up argument (how dare I speak to his wife like that!).

She’s as right as rain this morning and was up dressed and eating breakfast when I got there at 8. I just shudder to think what could have happened.

I’m further furious because there was a problem with one of the glass doors last year and DH and I took it off its hinges. DB agreed we needed to change the doors and I spent ages sourcing new ones (the three doors are different sizes so getting matching ones was tricky). At least two weekends wasted wandering round B&Q and Wickes etc only for DB to decide it was too expensive to change the doors and he rehung the original door. It’s not even his money.

Sorry this is a really long rant. I don’t know how much longer she or I can go on like this.

Tough visit to mum yesterday. She accepts she's not going home but is distressed about what will happen to her stuff. Golden balls has only brought a couple of photos of her and dad to personalised her room and she wants photos of the GC so I'll pick those up this week. She kept crying about how much she misses dad. The move has knocked her grief back to just after he died. Missing her own home and dad are totally tangled together. She couldn't remember which is her room so I wrote the number on a piece of paper and put it in her handbag but of course she forgets the piece of paper is there and then gets upset she doesn't know the room number again.

@GnomeDePlume pain relief to me is a red line. I don’t want any heroic measures for my DM but I have been clear I do not want her in pain.

You are doing the right thing by encouraging the CH to treat your DMs pain.

@GnomeDePlume This must be awful for you and your poor DM. I really can't see how at that stage anyone can want anything other than to be sure that the elderly person is kept pain free.

Sadly I suspect it's only a matter of time before I am in a similar situation with my DM and Brother. Mine also considers that he knows more than any medical professional and certainly more than me, at the same time as seemingly being convinced that if only our parents were given the right tests/medication etc they would go on for ever. When DF died Brother almost talked us in to having to have a post mortem performed. Dad was suffering from an infection on top of chronic illnesses and was at home but bedbound after several long hospital stays. He was not being treated as an end of life patient and had recovered from similar infections before but no one who had seen him in those last months would have considered his death a surprise. The GP was simply trying to make sure she knew what had happened in the final day to check her conclusion that no investigations etc were needed but Brother went on one of his rants. It was absolutely clear what has caused the death and all any further investigation would have achieved would have been more distress for Mum and delay in dealing with the funeral etc. I'm dreading Mum's final months because I know he will be pushing to keep her alive and conscious for as long as possible whereas I know in her situation I would want to be given any medication necessary to free me from pain and anxiety then allowed to slip away.

@GnomeDePlume - does he need to to be involved in every care decision?
I would assume (slightly naively) that you trust the care home to make the correct medical decisions and to just do it?
But tell me afterwards and explain why.

Bloody hell @GnomeDePlume. Hopefully the nurse will update your mum’s records/pass on the word that you are agreeable to all of their recommendations for pain management. Do you have to agree every time they want to give painkillers? I have a blanket agreement with mums home that they can give whatever painkillers they think appropriate whenever needed, and to not delay by waiting to contact me.

There’s control and there’s plain cruelty and I’d find it hard to forgive your ‘D’B in your shoes.

Crikey I hope so! He sounds… delightful!

@GnomeDePlumewhat on earth is wrong with him? Why would he not want her to receive adequate pain relief??

Yep. He moved mum to a location that suited him and buggger anyone else for reasons he didn't disclose straight away but did make sense from his point of view once we were aware. So his problem to sort. I researched so many homes over a wide area but I'm useless and incompetent apparently 🤷