Cockroach cafe - summer

Slinks in, collapses in a heap in the corner of the sofa (there is a sofa, right?) and accepts a cup of hot sweet tea (there is a tea-fairy in the Cockroach Cafe, right).
This business of getting very old and slowly losing abilities is unspeakably awful.
Hugs to all of you amazing wonderful kind lovely women.

If I could bottle and pass on any learning from my experience, it would be "do not make yourself/allow yourself to be made the default problem fixer in the life of your elderly relative'.

It's the terrible creep of adding more and more tasks till one day you realise your entire free time is taken up in worrying/planning/doing for your elderly, and your own life has somehow disappeared. I crashed, badly and am still on anti-depressants.

As an example, if there was an issue I would get in the car and drive 100 miles to go and solve it. With the help of therapy I learned to say - ok there is a problem, who is best placed to fix it? With a bit more therapy I learned to say - is this actually a real problem that impacts my mum's safety and welfare? Is it a want rather than a need?

I was so proud of myself the day she rang me to say her stairlift had stopped working, and I suggested that as her next carer visit was due that she asked them to have a look and ring me if they needed assistance rather than the 4 hour round trip. I got a call from the carer saying all fixed, 'someone' had flicked the switch from on to off. Not mum of course, why would she do such a thing? What a ridiculous suggestion.

Even with boundaries it's still exhausting but I found it much more bearable.

You have pretty much got it in one. She doesn't want people she doesn't know in the house (fair point, but I'd help her to find someone trustworthy) and she doesn't need anyone because I have only been helping with shopping, the rest of the time I just sit around drinking tea. I bloody wish 😂

@Scrabsqueak best stock up on those cocktails but hopefully you don't have a know it all sibling who puts a spanner in the works.

Oh Gosh @countrygirl99
I do not like the look of my future…🍸 x 2

My mum's hearing was one of the most frustrating things. She wouldn't accept she had hearing problems and while dad was alive kept insisting her hearing aids where dad's. I never saw them after dad died so assume she threw them away as now not needed. I arranged for the GP to refer her to Specsavers but goldenballs cancelled the appointment as "she already has expensive aids you just need to look for them properly". So it got so she didn't hear the phone ring and I couldn't check she was in before driving and hour to visit (she was still active until early this year) and in hot/icy weather I couldn't just call to check up on her. Eventually I got social services to supply some equipment that had flashing lights and a loud sound to help but by that time she couldn't understand new kit and couldn't remember what the flashing light and noise were so she just unplugged it and put it in a cupboard.

Am caught in a circle of hell, I think. MILs hearing significantly decreased recently. I have contacted Dr who then phone MIL, who cannot hear. (See above) She then phones me, and spends ages shouting “can you hear me?” and cannot understand it his her who cannot hear. So I contact Specsavers to ask for home hearing test, need to be referred by Dr. So I contact Dr who tell me they cannot visit MIL, but will let her know when she is referred. So they phone MIL who cannot hear them, so she phones me and spends 10 minutes shouting “I can’t hear you” at me down the phone…
These are very much the things that take the time and grind one down.
Thanks @FiniteSagacity for the cocktails…

@FiniteSagacity I have created a couple of cocktails for the hot weather, have a ‘Give me strength daiquiri’ full of crushed ice with special reserve and a rim of boundary dust or the high strength ‘Poker Face’ with a swirl of boundary dust which I created for DH.

Love this! Sipping right now.

@Ritaskitchen I hope finishing work is helpful and I’m glad you can plan some nice things into DPs trip and get the possible (and what’s not possible from a distance) clarified with the right people.

I’m sorry to hear about your aunt but it was what we had to do with our Dad. I hope she gets to enjoy it in time and that your uncle can choose to accept it as what was necessary to keep her safe.

Welcome @iswinteroveryet and @NeedMoreTinfoil and please make yourselves comfortable. I have created a couple of cocktails for the hot weather, have a ‘Give me strength daiquiri’ full of crushed ice with special reserve and a rim of boundary dust or the high strength ‘Poker Face’ with a swirl of boundary dust which I created for DH.

DFIL is amazing and still very independent despite being wheelchair bound but has been wearing DH down with talking about the health of elderly people DH doesn’t know and all the things their families do for them <hear the clang of the hints>. A younger colleague of DH died recently, so DH is very mindful of his own health challenges and needed a strong Poker Face and extra boundary dust. We are 2 hours away, work full time and have DC.

In my work I am in a phase of meeting new people and so many are dealing with care of varying types, elderly parents, children and their work. I will be in the solidarity swing seat.

Well my aunt went into a home today. Uncle is devastated but he just wasn’t able to care for her. Her needs were just to high and she and him were in danger.
Im off to visit DParents on Sunday. Staying at nearby hotel. Need to do a POA for DF that got missed. Not sure it will happen. He hates doing anything he isn’t interested in. And with his depression and possible dementia at the moment that can vary from day to day.
It’s also my last day at work today. I live outside the Uk. It’s going to mean visiting DPs in Uk will be easier. Plus DS is now in his military service and finding it hellish. I’ve enjoyed my part time job but it wasn’t flexible at all and this means I can now visit DPs on some kind of regular schedule but also have a life at home.
DF has already messaged me in anticipation about something to do with NHS transport. He told the social care lady I would do it. I think I am going to write an email explaining I live out of the country, don’t stay with them when I visit and can’t provide even a minimum level of care. In the mean time DM continues to hopefully recover from her cancer treatment. And DF spends a lot of the time lying on the sofa, not helping DM, complaining and going to his activities. Fortunately I will visit and friend and go to my oldest sons graduation as well. So it won’t just be a DPs trip.

Since he refused permission, Memory Clinic can't talk to me.
But I called the surgery and GP will see him today if he makes the appointment.
Fingers crossed that he goes in and that the GP can guide him.

is she refusing outside help because she 'has a DD who does 'bits and pieces' for her 'here and there' and it's 'nothing significant as I can managed everything still'?? welcome by the way.

*wanders in for the first time and asks for a cold S.Pellegrino (too hot for something stronger!)
My mum is currently not at all well, physically or mentally, but is resistant to seeking medical care or getting people in to help with shopping and cleaning. I'm knackered with trying to manage it all at a distance!

Just a a hand-hold, really.
Relative being evaluated by Memory Clinic. I finally managed to get him in for a CT scan, which wasn't easy. (I am long-distance.)
Now the Memory Nurse has sent him an appointment.
As he reported to me, he gave them a long speech refusing "further intrusion into his life".
Sometimes he backs off from a tantrum, but of course I don't know what he will do.
I contacted the Memory Clinic to see if there is a way to sweet-talk him.
He did make a good point - he said his GP (whom he respects as an authority) hadn't talked to him about any of this, hadn't seen him for months. Maybe the GP could persuade him.
But for the moment it's "take head, apply rhythmically to nearest wall surface, repeat."

@Tennas sometimes you just need to let it happen. My red line was staying overnight with DPs unless it was a dire emergency for one night only and I made social care aware of this every time I talked to them. They probably thought I was a heartless bitch, tbh towards the end before they moved into the care home, I could have cared less of their opinion of me.

If your Dsis wants to stay every night, great good on her. She cannot dictate that you stay. If you think DM is unsafe at night then contact social care and ask them to do an assessment. But you aren’t obliged to abandon your family, job and social life on your Dsis say so.

Another voice for toilet support needs being underrated… mil currently in hospital following a really bad break of her hip & leg going to the bathroom at night. She had the option of commode, pads etc but was possibly dementing at night so not sure if she remembered… or more likely knowing her, hell would freeze over before she would use them (understandably enough, I get it’s not dignified). She’d been adamant about not needing or wanting help, had just been persuaded to accept 2x day “carers” (don’t get me started on how utterly useless they were!!!), but had cancelled midday care and was refusing to consider a care home. Supposedly still had capacity so nothing we could do except watch the slow motion car crash.

She is already paying for private carers but they don't do overnight care and she refuses to have another company come in.
Is this temporary? It's really hard to tell, she didn't need overnight care for previous incidents - she can get to the loo herself during the day, so I'm sure she could get to the commode but she doesn't want to, could be confidence related but will not practice and sister thinks she shouldn't have to. I'm not sure whether it's sister insisting on staying or mum insisting that she stays - maybe a bit of both. Asking the question would be somewhat explosive as sister has taken charge and if we question anything she does we just get a lot of verbal abuse from her if we don't do exactly as she commands.

For me toileting is the sign that more supported living is needed.

Hard agree. It’s such a basic need, and continence issues tend to get worse not better. If someone is mobile and fully capable of managing their pads and their hygiene and laundry then that’s a different matter, but that’s not usually the case in elderly people. Ultimately it was toileting that precipitated DM’s move to a care home because she kept falling over going to the loo. It was the only time she ever got out of bed.

It's hard when siblings can't see sense

@Tennas I think you're absolutely right that your Mum won't consider making any changes whilst your sister will stay with her and act as her night time carer. If she can't afford to pay carers and social services say it's not needed she is in a tricky situation though. You mentioned a commode- if she could use that at night it sounds like that should be the next thing to try. I agree with @GnomeDePlume that if she is continent and has to use pads it will lead to more problems but as long as she is safe to use the commode that would be a more dignified solution. But of course if whilst your sister is willing to stay with her she probably won't try it. Do you think this is likely to be a long term thing, or just whilst she gets over a fall/illness?

Has she applied for attendance allowance? It's not a huge amount but would go towards paying for some help for her.

You have my sympathy. I also have a Mum and Brother who can't seem to see the difference between 'needs' and 'wants' and refuse to consider any paid care.

Mum is refusing to even talk about moving to a care home, I am worried that she won't make that decision whilst my sister is staying overnight - mum will continue to insist everything's working for her and she's staying at home. She can't afford paid live in care. Only my sister that stays with is able to do personal care.

Same here. Overnight help with toileting means it's time for a care home me or paid live in care.