Cockroach cafe - summer

Hello I was on the previous thread but slipped off when the new one started, will read back a bit to catch up.

My reason for coming back is that Mum isn't coping at home but I think moving her somewhere smaller in the current housing market might take so long she would need to bypass it and go straight into a home her memory is deteriorating so badly. No carers yet, she manages personal care but the house is impossible so we are thinking housekeeping/PA help rather than personal initially.

Is there a seat for me with a VERY large G and T. Another week another of DM's chest infections which is much worst with the heat. Back on the merry go round of GP/ ambulance/ medication. Not poorly enough to be admitted to hospital but then health problems are never resolved. I am stressed, tired and menopausal and cried in the Chemist today!

Ill be moving in with my parents when I retire in 3 years as I dont want them to go into a nursing home. Ill probably rent my house out as we live on opposite sides of the country.
Ive been an RN since 1983 so I know what to expect. My siblings live abroad but they will be around a lot.
I know my mum would just shrivel up and die in a home.
My dad wont be alive much longer.
Its not ideal but Im the only one not married. I have an adult DS who has long left home.
I know there will be irritants especially my mums habit of waking me up at 2am asking me if Im awake.
The answer is always I am now!!!

@Lastknownaddress I do it in bursts - I’m still clearing DMs flat as the property market is dead as a Dodo. Fortunately DM & DD did a bulk downsize about two years before DD died. Like you it’s going to take me a long time so each box is a positive step.

Like you my DM being well cared for is what is important.

It has made me look at my home and realise I need to declutter. I am slowly getting rid of my books - I love them but only read a kindle so its sentiment rather than need.

@Kirschcherries I totally get it. I am 18 months into this. I handed over a big bag to a company in the first instance, about 4 weeks ago. Doing it myself isn't an option as I am many years off retirement with kids at home. Take your time as @funnelfan said and do this when you are ready. I am just desperate to have my life back, to remember the good bits, not be swamped with "stuff" that isn't mine or I choose to keep (Mum was a hoarder) and carry on living. Mum is well cared for, I can't do any more for her and I won't leave this sort of mess for my DC so it is only now I can think about it.

I suspect I will still be trawling through this all in 3 years time 😁

I love doing that kind of thing so I see it as a bit of a reward for myself to spend an hour or so scanning old photos. I've got loads. I've also invested in a slide scanner and another scanner that converts old 8mm home movies into digital movies, and have seen my grandad moving for the first time ever (he died before I was born).

Agree it's not a high priority but is something I'm looking forward to finally sorting as a retirement job. Mum was terrible for putting photos in carrier bags and bunging them in random places. Dad put his younger days in albums and labelled them, but the albums are now disintegrating and the photos falling out. My aim is to sort them all out, put in new albums where appropriate and label them all with names where I can identify them. Also scanning and putting them in a shared folder for anyone else in the family to access.

@Lastknownaddress thank you for that info - it helps.

Digitising photos is way down my list at the moment.

Exactly that. Wiped everything, gave what I could to charities that refurbish and send out to schools in LMIC. And then the rest went with a tip run for recycling. Given the age of Mum there wasn't as much digital documentation as there could have been. What is taking longer/costing a significant amount more is digitising all the family photos, videos and audio cassettes so that we have them for posterity across the family. Slides were extortionate!

@GnomeDePlume Im pleased for your DM she is now getting the right pain relief. Maybe giving DB a fait accompli is the right approach, as you say it means he doesn’t have the responsibility of making the decision.

@Lastknownaddress I hope you don’t mind me asking what did you do with old mobile phones, kindles, iPads etc. obviously I will download photos but did you just wipe the data and put them in WEEE recycling?

Just checking in to say thanks for previous advice (Cockroach Cafe spring/summer edition) on managing Mum's house clearance and deciding what to keep / not keep. Helped hugely and I am now prioritising the bits I want, rather than feeling guilty about getting rid of things she valued.

My house is slowly returning to normal. The charity shops have done well. And I am currently digitising all her audio cassette recordings of her singing (she was an opera singer) which is bittersweet, frustrating (she never labelled anything) and fun all in the same measure. Am choosing to remember the good bits for now.

Much solidarity to anyone else clearing out a home post-move to a nursing home, particularly where the relationships were fractured.

@GnomeDePlume I am so relieved your DM is finally getting morphine. I hope it provides her with some comfort.

Like yourself and @funnelfan because of the level of care DPs needed from the day of their arrival at care home - both in higher needs wing - I can see why care home fees cost what they do. Particularly when staff are required to accompany DPs to mostly unnecessary A&E visits, although thankfully those have tapered off.

Phone call from the home this morning, just to let me know her fees have been reviewed and are being increased. She’s paid the same since she moved in 18 months ago so to be expected. Still good value I think at just below £1400 pw.

Her mobility has also drastically reduced to the point she’s struggling to stand. The main issue with that her room is an attic room and they can’t get the hoist to that floor so we’re looking at a room move when one comes available. Isn’t it horrible that actually means we’re waiting for one of the other residents to die?

She’s still medically stable, eating and drinking but ultimately on the same exit ramp as Gnome’s mum, albeit a little further back.

@countrygirl99 @Scrabsqueak
Reading your posts took me back 3 years to when I eventually sorted DMs hearing aids. Utter debacle I won't bore anyone with but it aged me another 5 years.

I'm currently going through another 5 year aging process known as 'blue badge renewal'. <què histeria>

@funnelfan I've just started counselling to try and understand why I feel guilty having put up boundaries. DM plays on the heart strings and is a wonderful travel agent for guilt trips so I'm in need of strong boundaries! Well done for sticking to yours, sounds like you nailed it on the stairlift phone call!

@GnomeDePlume pleased to hear your brother is on board with painkillers. Your poor DM shouldn't have to be in pain, poor lady.

Sympathies. My mums lovely neighbours let me know that they’d helped mum cook her tea every night for the previous three weeks and maybe she needed more help than she was letting on. She was telling me she was managing fine. That was the point I put my foot down and we got carers initially to help with evening meals but once I got them through the door it was easier to expand the number of visits and range of duties.

It helped that mum was always a reasonable and sensible woman and so when I flipped over to mothering my mother (thanks pp) she didn’t put up too much resistance. Especially as she had to admit to me how much she was relying on the neighbours (and they were going on holiday so wouldn’t be around to help). It’s just getting past that first stubbornness and insistence they’re managing ok.

Welcome to all newcomers to the thread no one wants to be on. No judgement here, just lots of support.

I just found this thread. I think I may be able to keep my sanity after all. (83 narcissist not so dear mum)

Thank you - this does sound rather like the position I have found myself in. After DF died 5 years ago DM got very very dependent and I had to put in some boundaries to stop her dumping everything on me / her wanting me to respond instantly to panics over nothing.

Unfortunately she is spiralling into dependent mode again. I have stepped up to help over a three month period (the upper time limit she was given by the doc for expected resolution of her current illness) as I understood it to be a temporary situation. She is now more ill than ever so needs a full medical re-evaluation but won't make a GP appointment or consider carers.
This week started with her announcing she was out of food, the neighbour had offered to pick stuff up for her but she couldn't think what she wanted so she only asked for milk. I told her that I would come over the next day, although somewhat inconvenient at such short notice but that I cannot visit or shop next week because of work being done at my house (work is weather dependent and I have only just had confirmation of the dates). She is now scratching around for people to fill the gap. So we shall see what happens. And yes I offered to buy extra food thus week or arrange a delivery next week, nope not interested.

@MysterOfwomanY
I call the level headedness ' mothering the mother'.
You suddenly realise you're the most capable adult in the room, who has to look at things objectively.

The good news and the bad news:
The good news: He went to the GP.
The bad news: Of course I only heard his side, but according to him, the GP said he was only following the private neurologist's recommendation for the Memory Clinic and that he himself didn’t have a particular conviction that it should be pursued.

The reality is that his ADL’s are still largely intact, although memory and cognition are significantly impaired. I have a feeling it’s going to be one of those situations where it takes something very unpleasant to move things forward. I was very disappointed in the GP, but there we are. As long as he has capacity, there is nothing I can do.

@GnomeDePlume Jesus, your mother is in her last days, I agree with you, give the poor woman any and all painkillers indicated!

Ridiculous that your ?B is quibbling about PARACETAMOL which is (as long as dose limits are observed) insanely safe and well tolerated. A lot of oldies with arthritis are on 8 tabs a day as standard!

My ER has had her skin biopsy today. I can feel the big steel door coming down inside me cutting off any feelings because somebody will have to be practical and level-headed. Doesn't mean I like the person this makes me, the person who blankly goes, "ok that's not good, but what CAN we do?" and starts making notes.

On holiday there were a lot of cathedrals and somehow this unlocked the ability to mourn my parents. (They split up when I was v young but both loved travel, history etc. Shame therapy wasn't a thing then really, they did have some stuff in common!). And I want to be able to do that! Not go back to being the maker of lists who cannot afford to get upset.

@ThunderFog and a new batch of delicious cakes. Any flavour you like, I'm partial to coffee and walnut or Dundee cake.