Cockroach cafe - summer

It can be really hard to accept that they are doing their best. It seems so unreasonable for them to be angry because they can’t use the TV, ‘It must be broken/they’ve updated it/it doesn’t work when I use it’. But that really is their experience.

Alongside being able to do all sorts of other things, they can no longer be able to do this specific thing, on this specific occasion.

@funnelfan I think I’ll try to hang on as long as I can without changing it. She struggles enough as it is.

Does the box have to be changed (ie it won’t work any more) or can you keep it going until/unless it conks out?

Mum had non-smart TVs and freeview, but even then she lost the ability to change the channel. She’d have had no chance with a smart tv. We’ve got MiL’s smart TV as it was only a few months old when she died and even we struggle with it and it is the source of frequent swearing.

I had an email from Virgin earlier to say that DMs TV Box needs changing as it is out of support. We changed ours a while ago so I know that it comes with a different remote and screen layout. As you’ve both said @countrygirl99 and @funnelfan changing what she’s familiar with will be a nightmare as she simply won’t be able to learn anything new.

@funnelfan we definitely had that with mum. She wasn't hearing the phone and it was at full volume so we bought one that had a really, really loud ring. But it couldn't be a phone because it didn't say BT on it

The thing about cognitive decline - whether it’s an official diagnosis of dementia or the deterioration of old age - is that unless you’ve seen it happen to a loved one you’re in regular contact, it’s very difficult to get your head around.

It took me a while to grasp that it didn’t matter how simple the instructions, how often they were repeated, that part of DM’s brain no longer worked to process the information. Not a case of get her a “simple phone”, a case of not recognising the device as a phone at all.

I also think many system, technology, software and device designers have stopped doing any meaningful usability testing for anyone with any form of physical or mental disability.

We had no end of problems with mum in 2020 because she just couldn't accept that governments would impose lockdowns. To quote "No government would make shops close or stop you seeing your family". At the same time my dad was terrified that if I came to do urgent household maintenance I'd be arrested. At least I could calm that fear by keeping a bag with long life milk and a couple of tins so if stopped I could say I was taking food to an elderly person. Stopping mum popping out to closed shops etc was a nightmare.

Oh bloody hell BroonOne. So pleased you're on the right meds now and can feel them working. But aaargh. 💐

Have had a second cerebellar stroke.

Totally sick of their incompetence.
Dr's should have prescribed very important meds daily. I should have been on them for a month. And will need to be on them for life

Fortunate that a good doctor came and told me that she'd realised this had been forgotten and she started me on these tablets immediately.
Luckily my best pal is a very calming man who has ensured, I will get everything l need.

Medication is called clopidogrel.

I am already feeling the improvement.

That's the thing, Mum just can't believe that British Gas would do such a thing, surely it wouldn't be allowed etc. She also seems to think that the letters she got from them after we switched which were all friendly and personal and "do come back we have lots of nice tariffs" weren't written personally by someone looking at her account and she was worried about upsetting them. These big companies really do take advantage of vulnerable customers.

@ElderlyDilemmas my parents never changed theirs either.
I don't have the patience to argue about getting a better deal and it'll cause no end of stress and worry, I'm picking my battles.

They also had a mortgage with Barclays for the entire duration because that's who they banked with and had the associated building insurance through them too.

My dad was an accountant 🙄🤔

I agree with that, I took over my parents finances last year (supposedly jointly with DB who has not lifted a finger). They had never switched gas and electricity, Dad is in a home now so it's mum I'm dealing with. She didn't know that you could switch them so they have been paying BG and their local electric co massively over the odds for years. The baffling thing is that you have been able to switch them for at least 30 years by my reckoning so they would only have been in their 50s when they were deregulated, DMum was a teacher of business studies and has always avidly consumed news and current affairs and I just don't know how she could not know this (no dementia but I think she's starting).

They have never changed insurance providers, gas and electric, phone/broadband etc any of them. So I changed their gas and electric to Outfox and it is £60 a month cheaper (!) but it has caused her so much stress and confusion over the last few months that I honestly wish I hadn't bothered and just moved to the cheapest tariffs her existing providers offered, but that would not have saved much. Our worst is BGas Services, they installed a new boiler for Mum and Dad 12 years ago and have been stiffing them for £87 A MONTH for a boiler service contract. And yet they never thought to question this. It is even more baffling because they have been ever so good with savings and investments, all separate and equal, all documents filed neatly, good split of saving. investing etc.

@FiniteSagacity I agree about systems making things harder than they need to be, and in some cases much more expensive for older people who struggle with them (or the daughters helping them and having to remember yet another thing to update/change). When I started helping with Mum's finances I discovered that she has been paying way over the odds for some of her bills simply because she hasn't had the energy or understanding to be shopping around or changing the package every year. The worst is sky TV who have been charging her about 4x the advertised rate for new customers/renewals just because her 2 year contract with them ended and she did not change to a new contract.

@GnomeDePlume sending I hope this last part of the journey down the ramp is as smooth as possible

@OhamIreally I’m sorry for your loss 💐 as you can see, lots of what you’ve said resonates here. Especially being at a distance and trying to balance the needs of your child. You did what you could under the circumstances at the time.

I also agree that modern systems are often making life harder. I was overwhelmed with the number of different medical systems and don’t get me started on energy suppliers.

We did the accessibility setting on a (newer than hers) iPhone to show her- bigger icons, fewer opportunities to ‘break’ it by turning down the light or losing the key apps.

She would barely look at it because it was different. Now she’s struggling to use her old phone which is, obviously “broken” and she needs a new one by yesterday.

We’ve had the same TV problem too. She tells the provider that it isn’t working so they upgrade her to newer faster routers, more data etc. Someone has to go and reset all her devices, she can’t understand why her package is so expensive… pah. Groundhog Day.

@PrizedPickledPopcorn
“Shes also inclined to get advice from 5 different people, each of us thinking we’re the only one involved, spending hours researching stuff, only for her to then do something random because she went in a shop.”

Am coming up against this one so much just now myself. I spend ages trying to sort something, some random comes along, phones and confirms/alters/generally tries their best, gets the answer I was waiting for, and would have been given to me later that day, then bossily contacts me saying they’ve sorted it out.
It’s very frustrating and also makes me feel like said random then thinks I’m just passive and useless. This bit is a me problem because why do I care what others think but…

fast moving problems with slow moving people

Perfect description. In my case the 'slow moving people' applies to my brother too which doesn't help. About a year ago, I suggested looking at a simpler phone for mum and a TV system that would be easier for her to use (the one she has involves going through multiple menu screens to find anything). At the time we assumed the biggest problem was her vision so I was talking to her about options with large buttons and/or voice control etc. Brother claims to know about these things so they were adamant he must deal with this. They have just got her a new phone which of course she can't use because now the problem is not whether she can see the buttons but understanding how to work it. It doesn't matter how simple it is, it is unfamiliar.

I can't help wondering with both of them if there's an element of intentionally putting off doing this sort of thing because until they do, they can tell themselves that it will solve the problem. It's much more palatable to think that you need a new phone/better filing system/bigger diary/new glasses etc than to accept that nothing will make any difference and there are more and more things that you simply can't do for yourself now.

“fast moving problems with slow moving people”
I like it. Along with ‘yesterday's problems’!

My situation may be unusual in that DM is too fast moving for her own good! And ours!

She has businesses, her personal affairs and an active social life. She’s a control freak. Last time we spoke she was talking about buying a new car 😱
She alternates between being vulnerable and out of her depth, and furiously doing things that undo what we’ve just accomplished or add new things to the list to sort out.

Shes also inclined to get advice from 5 different people, each of us thinking we’re the only one involved, spending hours researching stuff, only for her to then do something random because she went in a shop.

And no matter how often I tell myself not to, I keep falling for it!

In a way it’s a bit like parenting toddlers. But ones that decline rather than becoming more capable and learning from their mistakes. The horrible thing was the more I did (and DH) , the more they expected and the less likely social services would step in and do anything.

Maybe it’s more like parenting teenagers where they have to feel the weight of their decisions. But not ones you could have rational conversations with.