Cockroach cafe - summer

My mother is in the early stages of dementia I think. It's really horrible. I feel the grief of losing her already . Even though I've never got on with her it feels deeply distressing.

I recognise the pre-grieving, going through the grief cycle with anger and tears. I did it a lot with my Dad who had a terminal diagnosis. I am also experiencing it with Mum as she slowly declines with dementia.

I think it does help to sort of spread the emotions over a long period of time so you aren’t a shell shocked when the inevitable happens.

I think you do what feels right for you, working keeps you busy, friends help by either letting you reminisce or taking your mind off it.

Hello everyone, just checking in. I’m back at work because nothing is happening while the wheels of death bureaucracy grind exceedingly slowly. The care home manager called me today to see how I was and if there was anything they could do for me, and asked to be kept informed of any funeral plans.

I’m meeting some friends tomorrow, the meet up has been in the diary for weeks and DH was surprised I’m going as he wouldn’t have felt up to it a week after his mum died. But the thing is, I’m not grieving like I did when dad died 12 hours after sitting in the hospital bed with a cup of tea issuing instructions to me. I’ve not been able to have a proper, two-way conversation with mum for over three years at least. I’ve been missing her for a long time and have already come to terms with her absence.

Also, thankfully, I don’t appear to have been traumatised by being with mum when she died. No dreams or flashbacks or intrusive thoughts.

I’m not heartless completely normal, I do feel slightly off-centre and distracted. But I used to say I felt like I was pre-grieving as mum’s cognition deteriorated, and it turns out I was right.

Or the lovely mum has hallucinations that dominate the entire household and the DC can't have friends round for fear she'll attack them.
Or she pushes a family member down the stairs because she doesn't recognise them and is frightened by their presence.
Or she can't be left alone, even for 5 minutes elsewhere within the house, for fear she'll cause serious damage like a fire.
All those gave happened to people I know.

The 'I couldnt shove my lovely mum in a home' brigade dont get it.
Unless you can clone yourself, caring for an increasingly frail person to a decent level of comfort requires a team plus space plus equipment.

And that brigade's "lovely mum" may become intransigent and unsafe as they age. They might get it then. It's perhaps like people who first have an easy baby who sleeps well and then go on to have a cross non-sleeper. They can be unbearable in the advice they dish out based on first baby only...

I will have to see if I still have my late Mum's health LPA.
She wrote something on the lines of, if she was too "gone" with dementia to recognise her family, and she got sick, just to try to keep her comfortable and let her go.
She had cared for a lot of elderly relatives - in particular, her mother, dying from cancer, and in the 70s she was just left to get on with it, no carers or even district nurse help.
I suppose I should check my own LPA and see who the backup is if DH can't act, and have a chat. Him, I can trust to do "best interests" discussions and decisions. Anyone else less close should, I think, be briefed.

Interesting observations.
I wonder when the balancing act gets to stop. Does it ever stop? Feels like life is a sequence of juggling and balancing needs and wants and expectations.

@EagerQuail indeed - such a strange feeling, I hope placement is sorted okay 🤞

@FinallyHere thank you, there’s some things you can only say here!

Handhold for you @EagerQuail

i recognise the sense of mixed relief and guilt

Finally got the call today to say mil will need full nursing care, not just residential and that they’ve applied under CHc but if unsuccessful will bounce back to social services to place her. Sounds awful but the relief that she isn’t coming home is immense

I can really relate. I feel like my mother is a stranger and I feel a stranger to her .Her focus was always elsewhere. Yet she's very upset that I'm not a loving daughter who adores her.

“All they’ve got” hits a nerve, @rookiemere

I was never good enough. My DM spent her time and attention elsewhere, couldn’t be bothered with me, nor eventually her grandson. Now I do loads for them and I think she’s surprised to find she has a daughter (she also did very little for her DM, leaving it to her sister instead). She does say thank you from time to time but it’s almost like she’s happened upon a stranger who has agreed to help her. It feels very odd.

Can I thank those of you who suggested Ann Droid? It’s hilarious. So keenly observed.
And flowers for those reflecting on a lifetime of disappointing relationships with parents!

I bet there’s a cocktail for that. Bitter Disappointment, served with salted tears, perhaps.

I've never really got on with my mum, I suspect if it wasn't for my Dad we would have drifted apart in my adulthood (I couldn't get away from Mum fast enough at 18 and never went back). And now I am very happily doing everything I can for Dad (nursing home, no dementia but more or less bedbound, very frail, not much speech) and spending time chatting to him, making him cakes etc, sorting out his money etc. Whereas Mum (at home, no carers, physically fit as a fiddle) is just getting worse and worse, the anxiety that blighted my childhood is now combined with forgetfulness and she never did do any admin stuff but let Dad do it all and is driving me absolutely round the bend with anxious texts and calls usually about trivial matters and everything I do is wrong. I worry that if Dad goes first (likely) there just won't be the motive to go over to their town any more, just dread.

I suppose having time to reflect is a luxury that I didn’t have when both DPs were at home.

Like your DM @countrygirl99DF has completely changed and is this happy, grateful version of himself that is very different from the version I have known all my life. Inversely DM has changed the other way and is cantankerous and demanding most of the time.

I have always felt - particularly for DF - that I have never been quite good enough. Not quite clever enough to get into Oxford like my best friend, not as attractive as my cousin his favourite and just marginally short of success in innumerable ways. And now I am all they’ve got, except for DH who has been marvellous.

I feel petty and childish even thinking about this stuff in their final days/months/years or whatever it may be, but it keeps bubbling up.

I never got on with my mum. Even as A child I knew I didn't make the cut of what a girl should be like. But the weird thing is she's actually nicer now she has dementia. It's almost like she's forgotten I wasn't the tomboy she hated and DB1 was the sone who could do no wrong. Now she complains about him and is nice to me. And after 60 plus years of the opposite years I'm finding it quite disconcerting and hard to adjust.

You could be, Gnome de Plume. You could shorten or reduce your visits.

I understand. I fear this will be me, in time. I have never got on with my DM, never felt loved or supported by her. Of course I do what I can for my DPs and I feel desperately sorry for her as she clearly hates aging and its effects; but I can’t really say I love her. She’s quite robust, despite heart failure, so I fear she will have physical tenacity like your DM.

Visited my Mum today and she was on good form -not always making sense but enjoying the marzipan balls I took her. For a woman who made a box of chocolates last from Christmas to Easter watching her eat them with abandon is funny but lovely too.

Mum was taken to be changed and one of the other carers said don’t wait to say goodbye she won’t remember.

Mum’s first words to me were I was worried you had gone without saying goodbye. 😂 I always give her a big hug we say love you❤️ and I wave from the door. No one is going to tell me not to bother.

@GnomeDePlume I’ve had that , when Mum could still talk a bit. My cousins were treated to wonderful making memories visits. Whereas for myself and my eldest daughter we got all the shit and complaining about the care home.

I guess that is one problem solved seeing as she can’t speak beyond a garbled yes or no now.