Cockroach cafe - summer

Oh no @Choconuttolata that’s all you need!

my DH was pretty good with his parents and did much more of the heavy lifting of the house clearance than his sister. But to be fair she did more of the hospital appointments and finances as she was closer, so I think they just ended up splitting things according to who was best at which job.

On my parents’ house, I think you’re all right, it’s a thankless and probably repetitive task, but I’ve decided I’ll try to get the downstairs at least clear for someone to come in (floors, worktops), that’ll do for now, even if stuff is rammed in cupboards. It’s the only way to get external help in. Will probably take a month to get that far, I’m hoping I can do it faster than they can mess it up again
Send gin!

I do know a few blokes involved in their parent's care. But I'm not aware that any of them have any sisters ;)

@StillNiceCardigan that is the sort of deliberate decision to not actually be helpful that my brother would do.

@bigdogpaws is your DB trying to reduce her spending her funds?

In news here DH was hit by a car last week (driver was under the influence) and is hobbling on crutches with a broken ankle so our plans for my annual leave have gone out of the window. It hasn't stopped my DF asking if he is coming up there every day though. I have increased his care calls and he will just have to live with it because DH is in no fit state.

OMG @bigdogpaws another useless brother appears on this thread.
Why are so many of them like this?

@turkeyboots I would also be wary of surgery on a relative with dementia. My FIL had Parkinsons and lewy bodies dementia. He had hip surgery at a time when, looking back, he had dementia but was covering it up quite well. He had some sort of reaction to the surgery/anaesthetic that caused extreme delirium and sped up the dementia to the extent that he had no idea why he was there or that he had any illness, and never regained any sort of capacity. It must have been terrifying for him and he injured himself several times attempting to stand up when he was not physically able to.

I've just had a few days away with my family with very limited phone/internet signal. It was lovely, but has really shown me how much of my time and brain space is usually taken up dealing with things for Mum. Before I went, I made sure all the important things I usually deal with for her were sorted out and wouldn't need attention whilst I was away but even ignoring those things there are usually multiple phone calls from her every day, often requiring small but time consuming follow up from me (or even more calls if I don't follow up). Pretty much all the things she needs help with or wants to talk about could be outsourced if she and Brother would agree. Brother has now accepted that she has dementia but remains adamant that her needs should only every be met by family and friends. He seems to think she has a very special form of dementia that nice ladies with nice families get, in which she will struggle with words and get a bit forgetful but as long as she is only looked after by her 'lovely' family and friends she won't develop any unpleasant or unsightly symptoms. As many of you know, my view is that we should be getting her used to external help and looking at residential care sooner rather than later but Brother is absolutely digging his heals in and has started to refer to himself as her 'sole carer'. I may be over cynical but it's starting to seem like he is using her diagnosis as a way to shut down any discussion where she disagrees with him or lets slip something that shows him as anything other than the perfect son. I'm afraid I'm feeling very frustrated that as soon as I have returned from a break mum has called with a list of things that apparently only I can do, which I know could be dealt with by carers and would definitely be sorted for her if she was in a care home. She's also bored and lonely a lot of the time when she could be doing all sorts of activities if Brother didn't effectively block them by telling her how much she would hate it and she doesn't need it.

My mum has sufficient funds before selling the house. She has done downhill so fast. Went to London at Christmas on the bus to my sibling’s house. No issue. Fell in January and stopped driving. Since she fell again in May she cannot go out unsupervised. Going to add cameras shortly and get a carer for lunchtime to start with.
Still waiting for the OT appointment that was mentioned in June. On my to do list to ring again for the 3rd time. We also have LPA (both)

That was my response @PrizedPickledPopcorn but DH is a big softy. MIl doesn't seem to understand she's in a care home and thinks she's living independently so there will be loads of moaning that she was all on her own while we were away. BIL is more hindrance than help.

You could tell him not to bother, and ask him not to stay at the house. Bloody typical.

DH and I are on holiday at the moment. BIL was going to visit MIL in her care home last sunday so she'd have a visitor in the middle of our two weeks. Except he changed his mind and will go tomorrow instead and stay overnight at our house where eveything is switched off. We'll be back the day after his visit so its no help whatsoever.

Not the experience you are looking for, but if her illness included a UTI (often caught in hospitals, especially if incontinence pads or catheters involved) then can cause totally loopy behaviour, which disappears once the UTI is treated.

Welcome @tinytemper66. Yes research early is a good idea, try to get someone in - a cleaner perhaps- as soon as possible to get them used to the idea of strangers in the house and you not doing it all yourself.

@tinytemper66 welcome to the board nobody wants to be on. It's very honest and very helpful and propped me up last year when FIL was ill and then died.

@MotherOfCatBoycan you focus purely on the key areas for the cleaner, so visible surfaces in kitchen, bathroom and a path to change the sheets in the bedroom?
Maybe Age Concern can recommend some cleaners used to working round clutter.

I sympathise mine weren’t too bad, but DH got it all cleared out by a man with a van when they went into the care home.

Just starting this journey. Glad to find a place. Vascular dementia and Alzheimer’s diagnosis in June. 81 and living on own. May need to think of carers in the next few months.

Hmmmm....

Having gone through the horror a couple of years ago of downsizing and moving DM - which involved going through and chucking so much stuff, and so much stuff still kept and moved ... I have been sporadically doing the Swedish Death Cleaning!

Turns out that I also have so much stuff!

Yesterday, I found a piece of fabric about 150 x 150cm. A remnant from the living room curtains in my first flat - bought in 1992!!! Yikes!

It's gone now. Someone has mentioned the potential futility of clearing a hoarder's stuff - but one positive is that even if you just make a dent in it - it will be harder for them to fill it up again - whether that's due to lack of opportunities to get to the shops, or simply that once old school/college/professional notes etc are gone, then they just can't be replaced.

I'm currently tackling my great supply of tubs and lids (mostly lids without tubs) lurking at the back of a kitchen cupboard.

Sympathy @MotherOfCatBoy

We will need a skip (or several) when the time comes. DM's house on the surface looks pretty clean and tidy, but it has an ENORMOUS amount of storage, cellar, attic, lots of built in cupboards and wardrobes, big rooms with chests and dressers chock full of stuff. 50 years worth of stuff plus quite a lot that came from DGM's house back in the 80s. And of course Mum doesn't want to get rid of any of it.

I think that @TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne is sadly correct about clearing other people's things. FIL was in no way a hoarder but we've still got lots to clear from his house. He kept his teaching resources and he retired in the late 1990s.... I think that we're going to need a skip, that'll be the fastest way for the things BIL (who currently lives in the house but is moving nearer to us) won't be able to fit into his smaller new property.

I think that trying to clear someone's hoard is essentially a waste of time.
The hoarder won't thank you for doing it and they'll sabotage all your efforts anyway.

Sorry @MotherOfCatBoy not what you wanted to hear.

Can you get someone in to help you? Work together on one room, then it goes on her roster to keep from then on?

We do tons, at MiL and Fils. As soon as you leave it’s back again.

Yup. There are abandoned gardening tools rusting in the utility room, god knows what chemicals DM uses on the garden, bits of rotting food, old newspapers, random odd slippers, a bag I used to take to school 40 years ago.. that’s just one small area. If I can get the floors clear and the worktops clear that will be a start even if all the rest is jammed in cupboards.

I’m in a bit of overwhelm at the moment I think.
Since my last update I got onto Social Services but once they established my parents would be self funding they sent me on my way to find a cleaner etc privately. I’ve started that but it’s hard going as DP’s area is deprived, out of the way and few people seem to want to take those jobs there, or are looking for more hours (I’m after about 2 hours twice a week to start with).

But I’ve run into a bit of a catch 22. In order to get a cleaner the house has to be in a state where they can actually clean. At the moment it’s completely unmanageable, piles of hoarded stuff everywhere. So I’ve started on clearing up but it’s such hard going. Not just the physical work but it’s almost impossible when both parents are there and complaining. Leave that there, I want that, etc etc. They are agreeing to put things away, put in black bags, etc, but it’s slow going. At this rate it will take me weeks to get it to a position where someone can come in.

On top of that DF has developed some paranoia. He’s recently stopped going to the shops because he’s worried he’ll fall over in public so he’s not moving around much; DM says he’s not eating as much as before. He’s generally depressed and cantankerous and everything is wrong: I think he’s giving up, whereas before he was always keen on reaching 100. In this state he has convinced himself that DM is having an affair, on the basis that “someone is coming in the house at night and taking things away.” Too long to go into detail but I’m sure many will recognise the paranoia / delusion. As it happened last week his Gp called about his blood test results (he has a mild form of leukaemia managed by meds) and DM answered and talked to the GP, who got him in that afternoon, and asked him about this. The Gp could then clearly see DF wasn’t thinking straight. He says he thinks he mostly has capacity for the time being but will note the change in state of mind on his file. No tests as they would probably agitate DF and he likely wouldn’t agree to them. I agree with all that, but it doesn’t get us anywhere (I don’t want treatment for him but on a practical basis, it’s just going to get worse). After this DF is grumpy with me “because I tricked him into seeing a psychiatrist.”

So on we plod. I’m determined to get some help in next month but one or two cleaners asked for photos and honestly I couldn’t send them any just yet, they’d refuse to take the job. I always thought I’d be clearing the house after they’d gone, not while they’re still in it, and dear God it makes it so hard. Plus I really can’t bear my mother’s company.

Feeling heavy at the moment.

I know two women who had knee surgery earlier this year - both in good mental and physical health, apart from the dodgy knees, and they both struggled. As well as the physical aspects, and one experienced repeated wound infections and the other reacted badly to the medications she was on after the surgery, they both were surprised by the strength of the emotional and psychological impacts of the surgery.

Knee surgery does seem to take a lot out of you - and it's a difficult and lengthy recovery period.