Cockroach cafe - summer

@GnomeDePlume with his diagnosis he has always accepted there was an inevitability that he will need care and a care home at some point. But as I know many here have found, knowing this and recognising when we are at the various points along the line has been hard to accept. When we had to say no more driving for example there was a lot of push back ( the usual "well I'm not at that point" when it was 100% not safe anymore and the right decision).

I think he is terrified of running out of money and we get a lot of complaints we are spending his money for him (he still has full control) I'd always tried to reassure him that that wasnt the case and everything we suggest is to maintain his independence for as long as possible but I can't lie it's a real possibility that we are going to go through the pot at a much quicker than i ever anticipated.

@Lzzyisgod I feel for you as often parents have no grasp of how much things cost these days. As you say using a care home as a comparator is a good option.

Everytime I think we've made a small step forward there's another great big brick wall. We couldn't get df to accept 1 carer initially but now he's totally on board I am going to need him to accept his budget is unreasonable.

Any tips greatly received. Ive already shown him care home costs and get the usual ,"well I'm not at that stage yet"

I've lurked on here for ages and occasionally popped my head up but tonight I might actually cry

I agree with pp suggestions.

As pp said you want to try to make this one move so ask about the dementia, nursing & end of life care they provide.

Observe how the non-care staff e.g. cleaners, laundry etc. interact with residents. They will interact with residents everyday so are an important part of the home.

Re driving, yes, DM’s 3 yearly licence review will be due very soon, I had been thinking that would be a good time to intervene.

Crikey! I’ll keep me eyes peeled
thanks for the other tips, really helpful

Watch how the staff interact with the residents. Are there jugs of water/squash out so residents can be given drinks readily, especially in warm weather.
Does it look like there are enough staff? Harassed staff and the constant sound of room alarms are good indicators.
What does it smell like?
What are the activities? Are there still Christmas/Easter etc drawings/photos months after? Are the activities ones that appeal to your relative and is there a variety?
And one which horrified me at one home - when you are being shown along a corridor of bedrooms glance in open doors. Are the residents decently covered or will you see some with just a top and a nappy not even covered by a sheet.

Evening all, we are visiting the 2 care homes tomorrow that have agreed to take mother in law. Any tips? They are very different, one very established with requires improvement rating but been taken over and other one brand new luxury nursing home with no rating or reviews

I agree wholeheartedly with Broon - a car doesn’t have to be going very fast to cause a lot of injury and devastation to other people’s lives. I can sympathise with the “loss of independence” argument but it effectively means the loss of flexibility to jump in the car and go somewhere wherever they want. And how often do they actually do that? I’ll bet they have a strict routine - if is Tuesday morning it’s Tesco, Thursday afternoon playing whist etc. Straightforward to plan for although I will admit it’s easier if they live in an area with a reliable taxi firm.

BTW that lady's son had been lying on her forms for some years.
He knew that she wasn't safe to drive, but when the declaration of fitness to drive came every few years, he stated that she was perfectly healthy and fully capable of driving.

And all this, because she liked to go to Tesco's and potter round.

Whenever the subject of driving comes up on these threads, I post this:

About ten years ago, I was a carer for a 92 year old lady whose driving was terrifying. I notified the DVLA that I didn't think she should be behind the wheel of a car. This can be done anonymously.

The DVLA then arranged a driving assessment for her.

The day before this assessment was due to take place, she ran someone over in the high street round the corner from her house (a route she knew very, very well).

She then reversed into the many people who came to render first aid to the unfortunate woman.

The police came round that evening and took her car keys away.

Please don't think that poor drivers are safe, just because they're only doing little local journeys. You must be proactive, and if you're concerned, report to the DVLA. Your elderly relative won't know it was you and you could be averting a tragedy.

@ElderlyDilemmas a few years ago one of my elderly relatives took umbrage when I delicately queried the point of paying well over a thou in insurance when he never went anywhere.
Not long after he drove his car into the garage (through the doors) and luckily then was freaked out enough to wave goodbye to the car.

Having had an underwhelming experience of taxi service for the disabled this year I do get why people want to keep driving if they can. Hoping that self driving cars are Totally A Thing when I get to that stage. Although my own parents both had a very quick decline so maybe I won't live long enough.

She won't consider taxis, I haven't looked into community transport but I think it might be limited as she's in a smallish town. Fortunately she can walk to the shop, GP, pharmacy, Dad's care home. It grates on me that she begrudges £2 bus fare once a week (she'd be able to use her pass on the way back) but has happily forked out £1500 for another year of insurance, MOT etc recently.

@ElderlyDilemmas i hope your mum keeps safe. It's such a worry. Would she consider community transport or a taxi?

@shellyleppard solidarity, I am dreading this happening too, but I can't persuade Mum to give up driving. I check her car for scratches and dents every time I visit. She only does short, known, journeys, but a group she goes to is relocating further away and she wants to drive there but there is a really horrible right turn onto a busy main road on the way back. I do get that it's their independence, but apart from this new group she could use public transport for other things but won't because her bus pass doesn't work till 10 and that's too late and she's not willing to pay. @Mumbles12 I'm sorry that happened to you, I hope it did get him off the road.

@BeMintFatball sorry for your loss, I hope you and your family are getting the support you need at this difficult time 💐

@bigdogpaws is there any way to cluster appointments? I have had to drop my DF's COPD/asthma review for the moment which I had clustered with the GP as right now he is stable and this week I already have to take him to Opthalmology for an abscess after eye surgery and a CT scan for memory clinic.

@turkeyboots its very difficult. My dads reactions are not as good as they were. I dread the phone ringing some days.
Hes convinced the police officer had it in for him because of his age. 🤷

@Mumbles12 it is such a difficult situation. My dad lives in an isolated area. Its a mile to the nearest shop. He won't move. Has a lovely neighbour but doesn't like asking him for help. I'm sorry you had such a bad accident. Hope all is well now x

Hello all. I’ve just found this thread (although been to the board before) and have come for a bit of letting off steam. My parent has decided they don’t like their home anymore and want to move into a retirement type setting. All fine, and I’m assisting, but in the meantime they are very upset with their current home due to some anti social behaviour and are just getting it out of all proportion. It’s worse because they don’t really go anywhere, other than me taking them out. It’s just so frustrating and we keep going round in circles. If they would just go out a bit I’m sure it wouldn’t be such an all-consuming topic. Argghhh!

It's really, really difficult because much independence rests on this. My dad no longer drives and hates that he can't. My mum still drives but only locally, she will only go to known places where she can park easily. I feel happy that she is safe because she's always been a careful driver and still is. They live in a very small town with no taxi company which doesn't help. My lovely nephew also gives my dad lots of lifts, which is very kind.
On the other side of this situation my car was written off last year by an 88 year old wearing thick glasses and using a walking stick and driving a huge and powerful Audi. We were lucky to both walk away, if I had been a metre further on I'd have been hospitalised. He shouted at me at the scene -I remained silent through a big effort of will- telling me I was in the wrong. The police attending were very clear I was not, as were the insurance company. He could have killed somebody and I hope the crash into me was his last time behind the wheel.

Oh no @shellyleppard Im waiting for the day when this happens to DM. She loves driving and when she couldn't control a manual car safely (a similar roundabout issue) , she immediately went and bought a automatic. She drives at 20km ph though so is unlikely to cause a serious accident thankfully.

Hi lovely people. Just had a very upsetting conversation with my dad and need to talk about it. He was pulled over by the police today for unsafe driving ( he pulled out in front of a car on a roundabout).. he's 81 and has admitted his reaction/ response times are not so good. I gently suggested he drive to the nearest shopping centre and take the bus into town and onwards from there. It did not go well. We are waiting for the ticket and video evidence from the police. I'll be in the corner screaming x