Compared with many of you I'm doing very little elder care, but I'm thinking and feeling a lot. I suppose I have it much easier as I don't think I'd cope physically or emotionally if I had to look after my mum!
Oh god, it's such a long story and try as I might I can't seem to shorten it for the telling.
My widowed mother is well into her 90s. Until pretty recently she looked a lot younger and was very active. But she's been ill, and she's lost her sight, and (of course) refuses to acknowledge that she needs any help. This has caused some very nasty rows where I have been painted as the most wicked daughter that ever lived for suggesting that she might consider a cleaner. She has told me that she doesn't want me to visit her again as she "gets so anxious" about my "disapproval" of her living circumstances. (In fact I get very upset by it, it's filthy. She's not a hoarder but the place stinks, as does she, and it's actually a health hazard).
So I'm sort of off the hook and that offers a degree of relief. After a very difficult relationship for most of my life we now get on fine on the phone as long as we keep things superficial. I live too far away to drop in, any visits have to be planned, accomomdation found etc (and it can cost a fortune as she lives in a holiday spot) so it's certainly easier, practically speaking, not to visit. My OH and DD don't want me to visit on my own again as it takes me weeks to recover my mental equilibrium when I do go.
My mother's not on her own. My sister lives close to her but they've fallen out too. I'm not close to my sister - my mother actively used to play us off against each other from being small children so we never formed a relationship, but we do text regularly about mum. But most worrying is that my brother lives WITH her. She sings his praises to us but he actually does very little and isn't able to do much more - he has moderately severe autism. diagnosed late, and she has kept him close over the years, infantilised and institutionalised him. He doesn't work, has no social life, and genuinely doesn't know how other people live. And until recently she has actively refused to let him learn how to do things in the house. He can't even use a tin opener!! Whilst he is nominally her carer, in fact she's really his, and the situation tips close to being abusive at times. (I think she may well be "on the spectrum" too. Sigh).
She disbelieves every suggestion I make - and I spent a professional lifetime working in healthcare with the elderly so I know how these situations go. That then causes more ill-feeling between us. So I've decided I will no longer make any suggestions or try to help directly, unless another emergency/crisis makes it unavoidable.
I don't like the idea I may never see my mother again in this lifetime but maybe it will be best this way; at least we get on when we chat on the phone. But the situation makes me unhappy.
Why do people want to push away their loved ones when they already have very little in life?
There's so much more I could say, these situations never develop overnight, do they? Just to add that she tells me she's determined to live to be 100 (and I really hope she doesn't in her current state).
Enormous kudos to all of you who are breaking your backs caring for stubborn unpleasant old folk.