Please or to access all these features

Elderly parents

DM won’t go to GP despite sudden weight loss and back pain

81 replies

GoldenGretchen · 13/06/2026 18:22

DM lives with us. 79, very active up to this week. Lifelong smoker. Dog walking an hour a day, coffee with friends. In the last week she’s suddenly gone downhill. She’s not had a great appetite since March, has put it down to a virus. In the last week she’s stopped eating, just picking at a couple of mouthfuls. She’s lost a huge amount of weight in two weeks or less. Terrible back pain keeping her awake at night. She’s doing almost nothing but lying on her bed. Not cooking, not dog walking, not functioning. She’s clearly very ill. She’s always had white coat syndrome and won’t go to the GP. I have two DCs under 10 at home. I love her, we moved in with her so I can look after her but I need her to go to the GP! She just gets cross with me because she’s frightened. Just venting really so I keep my patience with her as I totally understand why she’s putting her head in the sand but it’s so hard to watch her in pain. I’m realistic about likely outcomes. Glad of this page.

OP posts:
GoldenGretchen · 16/06/2026 04:51

Mum has pancreatic cancer which has metastasised into the spine. I’m going to write and thank the GP. She was on it from
the moment she saw mum. I was sort of prepared but you never really are. She’s being admitted for now for further investigations. Thank you everyone.

OP posts:
MrsSchadenfreude · 16/06/2026 00:50

Good for your GP! My Mum couldn’t get an in person appointment with hers, only phone. She was told over the course of two years that her shortness of breath and chest pain were caused by a pulled muscle. She ended up going to hospital for something else, they diagnosed her with terminal lung cancer and she died a few weeks later. So glad your GP listened!

Anastasiaa · 16/06/2026 00:20

Oh goodness. What a day. Impressed with the GP. Wishing you strength throughout the night.

GoldenGretchen · 15/06/2026 22:34

SurreySenMum26 · 15/06/2026 22:10

My dad was like this. Almost died of a dvt before the hp came out. My mum was meaning about him being so stupid..... then did much the same herself but quite to dad's extent. It's beyound frustrating. Fingers crossed op for good news and well done getting her in!

@SurreySenMum26 I had it with my dad too! There’s a long wait and she’s getting irritable but I’m not taking her home until she’s discharged by the doctors. She’s in a comfortable chair outside majors, so it’s relatively peaceful. Can’t complain having seen what the main waiting room is like. The staff are amazing as always.

OP posts:
Annie202 · 15/06/2026 22:32

Thinking of you both.

hourspassed · 15/06/2026 22:12

@GoldenGretchen Horrible situation for you but you have done the right thing and she will now get the help she needs, whatever that looks like. Sending hugs to you all.

SurreySenMum26 · 15/06/2026 22:10

My dad was like this. Almost died of a dvt before the hp came out. My mum was meaning about him being so stupid..... then did much the same herself but quite to dad's extent. It's beyound frustrating. Fingers crossed op for good news and well done getting her in!

shellyleppard · 15/06/2026 22:04

@GoldenGretchen sending hugs to you both x

GoldenGretchen · 15/06/2026 22:02

I was standing behind DM at the GP, nodding vigorously in answer to the questions DM was evading.

OP posts:
GoldenGretchen · 15/06/2026 22:01

Anastasiaa · 15/06/2026 09:42

Best of luck today @GoldenGretchen

Thank you @Anastasiaa. DM agreed to go to the GP today. The GP took one look at her and called an ambulance. Am still at A&E with her now.

OP posts:
Anastasiaa · 15/06/2026 09:42

Best of luck today @GoldenGretchen

Anastasiaa · 13/06/2026 21:19

GoldenGretchen · 13/06/2026 20:20

She’s agreed to go to GP on Monday. DH is being brilliant. I’ll see how things are looking on Monday. May have to take a bit more action if she doesn’t tell them the whole truth. Thanks everyone. Just helps me stay sane and calm! DH and I have a well practised plan for separating DCs and poorly GPs during my late Dad’s illness.

That’s great news. Good to hear you have support. I would be minded to get ahead of her and tell the GP what you know privately beforehand saying that she doesn’t want to be a nuisance. It will be counterproductive if it becomes clear that she has withheld info or minimised after the appointment.

GoldenGretchen · 13/06/2026 20:20

She’s agreed to go to GP on Monday. DH is being brilliant. I’ll see how things are looking on Monday. May have to take a bit more action if she doesn’t tell them the whole truth. Thanks everyone. Just helps me stay sane and calm! DH and I have a well practised plan for separating DCs and poorly GPs during my late Dad’s illness.

OP posts:
Anastasiaa · 13/06/2026 19:32

3luckystars · 13/06/2026 18:36

I have elderly parents and even though I hate lying, I have lied in situations like this.

Could you say you have googled it and believe she has a kidney infection and needs antibiotics?

That’s a good approach to suggest it’s easily fixed - as it sounds like she is terrified of something sinister.

Anastasiaa · 13/06/2026 19:30

I am sorry she is suffering so much. The back pain keeping her awake at night is a red flag. She needs to be seen urgently. I would phone 111 on her behalf to see if A&E is required. This is very hard for you especially with young children - do you have a partner to support you? Sometimes you need to take charge of the steering wheel in such situations - for your DM well-being but also for your DCs in the house. Best of luck.

GoldenGretchen · 13/06/2026 18:49

ForDreamyMintHare · 13/06/2026 18:47

Then I'm afraid that is her right, difficult though it is for you

Exactly. I went through similar with DF so I’m doing my best to keep my frustration away from her because it’s entirely up to her how she deals with it. Thank goodness for anonymous forums!

OP posts:
ForDreamyMintHare · 13/06/2026 18:47

GoldenGretchen · 13/06/2026 18:39

This is the thing. She absolutely has capacity and absolutely doesn’t want to be seen.

Then I'm afraid that is her right, difficult though it is for you

GoldenGretchen · 13/06/2026 18:47

Wreckinball · 13/06/2026 18:45

Can you tell her she IS being a nuisance to you as she could be making a problem worse for herself and for you to manage!

Oh I have done! I think she’s likely to capitulate on Monday. She doesn’t want to be a nuisance to the doctor at the weekend.

OP posts:
Wreckinball · 13/06/2026 18:45

Can you tell her she IS being a nuisance to you as she could be making a problem worse for herself and for you to manage!

GoldenGretchen · 13/06/2026 18:43

WhereverIlaymycatthatsmyhome · 13/06/2026 18:42

Well you can’t make her see a doctor. Is there anyone else she might actually listen to?

I may phone her oldest friend to get her to check in with a call.

OP posts:
GoldenGretchen · 13/06/2026 18:42

That’s why I’m having a silent scream here 🙈

OP posts:
WhereverIlaymycatthatsmyhome · 13/06/2026 18:42

Well you can’t make her see a doctor. Is there anyone else she might actually listen to?

GoldenGretchen · 13/06/2026 18:41

She’s had high blood pressure for a while. If they ring her for a check up she decides there must be a problem so she pretends she hasn’t had the message. She was told a few years ago it was likely she’d had a minor heart attack so she cancelled the appointment with the consultant in case it was true. Have to admire her determination!

OP posts:
GoldenGretchen · 13/06/2026 18:39

ForDreamyMintHare · 13/06/2026 18:32

GPs visit those who are housebound or terminally ill. If she has capacity she has to want to be seen.

This is the thing. She absolutely has capacity and absolutely doesn’t want to be seen.

OP posts:
Musicaltheatremum · 13/06/2026 18:39

ForDreamyMintHare · 13/06/2026 18:33

But if you rung me as her GP and told ne what you have said here, I'd offer to send her a text saying that we need her in the surgery for a blood pressure check if that would help get her there......

You use the same techniques as I used to! Quite often very successful!