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Elderly parents
Original poster

How do you cope with the angry side of dementia?

37 replies

Frazzledinmyforties · 13/06/2026 13:33

My (relatively young) mum was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s around a year ago. We lost my dad 4 years ago and she’s not been the same since.
In the last 6 months or so she’s become increasingly angry. Shes really vicious and nasty with her words and she spits at me and throws things at me.
I am her only carer, though I don’t live with her and the nastiness is always directed at me. We’ve had police and social services involved but no one will do anything because “she still has autonomy over her care and can’t be forced to have any”.
I genuinely don’t know how to cope with it. I’m pretty thick skinned and work in Learning Disability which has massive cross overs with Dementia.
I know all of the factual side; I don’t know how to cope when she’s hysterical at the sight of me and I’m the only one who can help her.

Any advice will be gratefully received.

OP posts:
scoobyandshaggy · 13/06/2026 16:20

My grandad is on a medication called Memantine for his Alzheimer’s. It was prescribed by a psychiatrist for his moods/anger. It hasn’t totally got rid of the aggressive behaviour but I think things are better than they were without it.

I don’t know whether you’ve heard of it or if it’s been discussed as an option for your mum.

TerfOnATrain · 13/06/2026 15:55

My lovely, gentle, kind dad became very aggressive with his Alzheimer’s advanced. His GP prescribed antidepressants and they calmed him a lot.

Original poster
Frazzledinmyforties · 13/06/2026 15:52

@PippingPanther you are absolutely right, on paper.
But according to the police and social workers the LPA is only valid in her “insane” moments. So if she seems calm and tells me she wants £100 a day, I must give it to her because “she has the right to make unwise choices”. I’ve explained countless times that it only applies as long as someone has capacity but they claim that in that particular moment she does have capacity. It’s so messy.

I have to say that the bank has been one of the easiest companies to deal with and actually really helpful.

OP posts:
PippingPanther · 13/06/2026 14:54

Genuine question OP: if she has “lost capacity” and has “lost all concept of money”, I am not sure why you have to carry out her financial wishes - at least if you do not deem them reasonable? Isn’t that one of the points of having financial power-of-attorney? I wouldn’t have thought “moments of lucidity” count if the general picture is loss of capacity and dementia. But perhaps I am missing something?

When I asked my mother‘s bank, about what would happen if my mother lost financial capacity because of dementia or cognitive decline, I was told that I should immediately invoke my power of attorney.

ForBusyOliveBear · 13/06/2026 14:49

It took four capacity tests before my mum failed one even though she clearly didn’t have capacity or was able to look after herself. During the fourth one she started showing the doctor that she could a handstand up the wall as a way of proving how well and healthy she was!

Original poster
Frazzledinmyforties · 13/06/2026 14:35

@catofglory ironically no, all medical professionals, bar one social worker have deemed that she has lost capacity. I’ve had LPA (both) since my dad died and it has kicked in. BUT because she still has moments of perceived lucidity, at that moment she can make all decisions and legally I have to follow. For example, even though she has lost all concept of money, I still legally have to give her what she asks for even though logically it makes no sense.
She’s under the care of our local hospital Memory Service who have been great up to diagnosis and prescribing the medication but not much since.

@ForBusyOliveBear that’s what I’ve been trying to do the last few weeks actually, thank you for your kind words.
@inigomontoyahwillcox thank you, I’ll try them too.

OP posts:
inigomontoyahwillcox · 13/06/2026 13:49

Dementia UK have been incredibly supportive of my mum and I since my father was diagnosed (Alzheimer's and Vascular Dementia). He hasn't become aggressive ... yet (well, some nasty word and threats of self harm if he doesn't get his way, but TBH that's nothing new), but I am sure they have a lot of experience of these types of situations.

ForBusyOliveBear · 13/06/2026 13:45

I found the Older Person’s Mental Heath crisis team very good when I was at my wits end.

ForBusyOliveBear · 13/06/2026 13:44

Try and do less for her if you can, look after your own physical and mental health. Things will escalate and social services will be involved more. The more you help the more this delays the inevitable.
You can say no to things and tell her you don’t like how she is talking to you and then leave.
I am so sorry you are going through this, I worked in care my whole life and thought I was prepared until it was my own DM.

catofglory · 13/06/2026 13:44

So they consider your mum has capacity and she can make her own choices? There will come a point when it becomes obvious that she doesn't, but that doesn't help you at the moment. Do you have LPA for when that moment comes, so you can make decisions on her behalf?

In the meantime, ensure you keep yourself safe, and step back as far as you are able to. I don't know what care you have to undertake at the moment, can she make herself a cup of tea, wash, dress etc?

Sometimes medication can help, but she would need to see at least a GP and probably the memory clinic, and agree to take the meds. It doesn't sound like she'd be amenable to that?

Info in case it helps, about drug and non-drug approaches.

https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/about-dementia/treatments/dementia-medication/antipsychotic-drugs

Antipsychotics and other drug approaches in dementia care

Antipsychotic drugs may be prescribed for people with dementia who develop changes such as aggression and psychosis. Non-drug approaches should always be tried first.

https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/about-dementia/treatments/dementia-medication/antipsychotic-drugs

Original poster
Frazzledinmyforties · 13/06/2026 13:43

cheezncrackers · 13/06/2026 13:37

Have you had any support from the Alzheimer's Society OP? I'm guessing they might have some advice and ideas: https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/

Yes I’ve been in touch with them. They offer carer talk therapies and support groups which are lovely but I don’t have the time for. They also gave me a list of available emergency services. We’ve had a few occasions where paramedics have come out and then she eventually calms down after they’ve listened to her. But it’s the same thing on repeat and because there isn’t anything physically wrong they can’t do very much.

OP posts: