Mum in cognitive decline. Dad in denial.

52 replies

spinachsalad · 13/06/2026 11:32

I will preface this by saying I’m an OT and have worked in elderly care for years. This might make me recognisable but that’s OK.

parents are both 80 and in excellent physical health. Both still drive. Great careers behind them, intelligent… hobbies etc you get the picture.

2 years ago mum broke her wrist whilst out hiking. For some reason they didn’t go straight to A&E. Possibly embarrassed so waited 12 hours to be seen locally but I think by the time they got there it set off a chain of events…. She needed surgery but it was delayed. The pain relief was never quite right. She never really adhered to precautions about the sling. She’d make weird decisions about carrying a drink upstairs in her affected hand for example. I’d say use a teasmaid/wait for Dad but she would just do it anyway and not tell me.

she couldn’t drive whilst it was healing so I think the isolation was increased but she’d pay for taxis etc so she could get out without relying on lifts.

anyway

she started saying weird things in conversation- things that couldn’t possibly be true. She then started having difficulty recalling names, problem solving, getting lost at local familiar places…. Lost her car in a car park. Seems very dyspraxic too. Loads more but hopefully this paints the picture

after 18 months I raised it with my siblings who agreed about the issues. I then raised it with Dad. He is an opinionated man but obviously cares deeply about mum and is frightened of what this means. He didn’t want me to talk to her about her concerns. I left it for a while and then decided it was actually a cruelty to potentially miss an opportunity for diagnosis, medication and support.

mum didn’t disagree but basically seemed to think that dementia couldn’t possibly happen to her. She went to their shit GP who did the mme and sent her on her way. Nothing more came of it. They have changed gps recently. Mum is getting worse. I spoke to dad last week and he has his mind made up there is nothing to be done. I say there is. It’s infuriating as I respect that they aren’t asking me for help and support so really what right do I have to interfere in their life?

I saw them yesterday and it just feels so depressing. That we’re missing an opportunity.

ok I’m going to stop typing now as I’m starting to repeat myself (ironic).

I am happy to answer any questions but would love to chat through with anyone else who has ideas. Thankyou.

OP posts:

Awfuldaughter · 13/06/2026 12:22

I’d try speaking to your dad again. He sounds like he’s acknowledged there’s an issue but is currently coping well. Maybe raise with him that preventing further decline would help them both remain independent, but that ignoring this completely could make things worse further along. He clearly cares deeply about keeping the status quo, so reiterate that this gives him a much better chance of doing so.

I’ve recently had to have an intervention chat with my 80 yo mum about her ability to look after my very poorly 83yo dad. She didn’t like me for it and has dug her heels in…but I’ve said it now and I’ll remind her every time she feels overwhelmed.

It’s an awful thing to acknowledge the switch when you become the parent of your parent. To make this less awful, I tell myself this is what a good parent would do. Deep down I know this is a sort of grieving process, which is why it’s so difficult to approach.

Original poster

spinachsalad · 13/06/2026 11:35

Sorry one other thing. Mum has massive sleep disturbances where she wakes up having had horrible nightmares. Thrashing about.

Dad now has his own bedroom so they both sleep better.

when I discussed with mum about what this might be she said she’d googled it and the only option was surgery. I have no idea what she googled. I reassured her that nobody is doing lobotomies on 80yos having nightmares but it was such a weird conversation

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