How much are people willing to sacrifice with care for the elderly?

I do not agree with a person sacrificing their life to the care of a parent. Yes help out where you can but set limits.

I had to go part time as doing life admin for another household as well as my own was just too much for me. Plus all the appointments...

The care part crept up on me, and this is the danger. First I was just changing batteries and lightbulbs and fixing little problems, which became making meals. She had carers coming in but it seems such a waste of money for them to come to do 'little jobs' that I did them. Until we slipped into her needing intimate care, which was my red line.

She now has a live in carer, which is great, but I still visit most days as I feel guilty and I still have all her life admin and appointments! So I am still stuck working part time. I can only hope that there is some inheritance left at the end so I can have a pension to live on in my old age and pay for my care home (because theres no way I'm letting my children care for me, I love them too much).

Meanwhile, my sister visits a couple of times a year, despite not living that far away, and does nothing at all to help.

I have been in that situation only now coming out of it as DPs finally agreed to move into a care home 5 minutes drive away, rather than not coping in their house an hour away. They too would have said they didn’t want to be a burden - DM particularly- but a combination of mental decline, dementia and something that seems to kick in with many of the very elderly- the preservation of their life and independence becomes so important that they are literally unable to see the horrible impact it’s having on their poor relatives.

In the end you have to pick yourself. Let the crisis happen to an extent. Social services and NHS are all about the rights of the individual, they don’t seem to give a damn that working age tax payers are reduced to a febrile wreck unable to work. It’s all economics really, thank goodness my DPs had enough money to self fund their care home or we would still be in that horrible limbo where we could never enjoy a single thing - day out, meal with our son, simply going to work - without expecting the panicked phone call which could either be that one of them had fallen and needed an ambulance, or they had mislaid their glasses, they were unable to distinguish the difference between either matter.

There is no satisfactory answer as people live longer and care home fees are so prohibitively expensive. The irony is I won’t have the choices my DPs had as for various reasons- some nothing to do with DPs, but in a large part due to the physical and mental cost of the last year - I won’t have amassed the fortune needed to make my own choices about when to go into care.

What I’ve seen with my own parent is there is an increasing selfishness and stubbornness as she gets older.

So despite her saying previously ‘oh I don’t expect you to care for me’, and agreeing in theory to get carers in if she needs them - what actually happens when a crisis occurs is that she calls me and expects me to deal with it.

The problem is she doesn’t think she is bad enough yet to get extra help in (my help is not really seen in terms of actual help, just doing a few things), so she thinks she’s coping well and more independent than she actually is, so when the thing happens - she gets sick or has a fall - I’m the only one to step in as there’s nobody else.

But when she recovers, she claims she doesn’t need help and is doing fine. Until the next time of course…

Like now, she is back home after a few days in hospital because of an infection that wouldn’t clear up despite antibiotics. She’s still a bit frail but doing well - loved the hospital by the way, loved being looked after and fawned over.

I’m now getting lits of requests to ‘just pick up X on your way home from work’, and when I get there she has more things for me to do.

I’m exhausted, and feel trapped. But in her mind, she’s a frail old lady and is just asking for a few little things… for me it feels like another job on top of my actual job.

It’s frustrating as I can see the next few years being mapped out in terms of increasing needs and demands (hers) and increasing frustration and despair (mine).

My dad is a very prideful man and probably wouldn't want me to be his carer. But I happily would be and I'd happily live with him and my two DC too.

He's 60 already ( he's very fit and active, still in work fulltime ) Realistically, everyday I have with him now is an absolute blessing. My friend recently died aged 52 and it was such a shock.

I'm a carer for my two disabled children, but they wont need as much care as adults, hopefully by the time my dad needs care my children will be late teens or adults ( 11 and 9 now )

But either way I want to be there for him. My dad has always loved me, never hurt me, always treated me well and spoke confidence into me. He came from a beaten home / grew up in care and he never ever passed his demons onto me and I know he has them.

That worked for you, but I think the pressure of 'you do what you gave to' is what breaks so many people here. What if you only had one child or others were to far to offer support? Would/will you expect one to stop their life to look after you?

My DB and I each visit for a couple of nights a fortnight and have done so now for 2.5 years. That is our approximate maximum (except in times of crisis). Our parents wish to stay in their own home and have the finances to to so with our support. Within the last 2 months they have started having a live in carer which takes a load of our mind. None of us think it would be fair to ask us to do more.

We'll be looking for a home for my DM whos 72 soon. Shes unsafe alone as she has dementia and lives in chaos as she struggles to get around. It would be nice to say she could live with me, but Id be giving up the next 20 odd years of my life potentially. My great aunt with the same symptoms lived to 96.
My aunt lost 10 years of her life and career aged 50 to take care of her mother. No one thinks they maybe taking on decades of care and stress which will impact your marriage, kids and ability to work.

Rather a home than children having to give up jobs and family life to care for us

There is no one, or even handful of answers to this. Every circumstance and set of people are different. Personalities, relationships, distances, housing, money, jobs, children, health. So many factors. Yes women are often the default carers in life and you only have to spend a bit of time on this board to see the impact of this.

I worked part time for twenty years to spend the rest of the time as a carer for mine. Wasn’t particularly appreciated and meant i didn’t progress in a career.

Would never become carers to my parents, done enough caring to last me a last time with my disabled children if my parents don’t want to go to a home they unfortunately need to pay for carers or get my brother (whos like a chocolate teapot) to help.

You do what you have to do. I have siblings and we all pitched in as my mother became increasingly frail. Although obviously I don't want my children to look after me but none of us know how it will pan out. I will not go into a home unless it's a last resort.

When my elderly mum was dying (cancer) I took a leave of absence, as did my sister, so we could help out. But that was with the sad knowledge that this was a finite period in our lives. And I had my job to go back to.

My MIL had a more typical slow decline into dementia, and physical illnesses. My DH & I were her primary support. I saw my role, in particular , to organise help - OT, Care needs assessment, prescription delivery, food delivery- rather than care directly, ifswim.

And I only did that to ease the load on DH.

My DH had to learn to say ‘no’ and ‘enough’ as caring for an elderly relative can consume you.

No way would either of us given up work to become a full time carer, societal pressure be dammed. And the caring for his mum put a huge strain on our relationship, to the point I was close to walking away.

I think there is an expectation that adult children, especially females, will step up.
That was certainly the expectation of my own mum’s GP service. We had to beg for help.

But whilst I hate the phrase ‘be kind’, we do have to try to be kind to ourselves in the whole sad process.

We are in this situation - two full time jobs, teen DC, and MIL who is in a wheelchair and on her own after FIL died a couple of years ago. She is living in retirement accommodation which I would really recommend - much better for her and a huge weight off DH's shoulders. Is that a possibility for your FIL?

Sorry @mids2019 'costing a crisp immobile parent' - what do you mean?

We would never become full time carers for our parents and I would never allow our children to be for us.