How much are people willing to sacrifice with care for the elderly?

In response to your question I will do very little, not a great relationship with my DM. I'd sort out logistics and visit a retirement home. I've had a family member stay (I didn't have to look after them, they just lived here between other accommodation) and that alone affected my mental health. So nobody will be living here ever again.

In the past women tended to have children young and not have paid employment. So when elderly relatives needed looking after they had time available. (This doesn't mean I think they should have sacrificed themselves). Elderly people quickly got sick and died so the caring duties didn't last long.
None of this is generally true for society anymore.
So unfortunately, elderly people are remembering how their mothers looked after Granny and Old Auntie Mabel and expect that from their daughters. But their daughters have full time jobs and young DC or teenagers and Granny now lives 20 years longer than Nature would allow because modern medicine keeps propping people up.

I persuaded our mum go into a care home when it became too much for us (told her it was temporary). She was very angry with me and very miserable but after a few weeks she was happy there. It has given her more independence really as she can ask to have a bath when she wants ... and she shuffles along to have meals with her new friends, makes a decision from a short menu and is no longer having to rely on her annoying daughter for food and drink and horrid showers! And I feel FREE! It's using up all the house money but I don't care. When she's ill they take good care of her, a doctor comes once a week, and they take care of all the medication and appointments. Hurray!

I have just spent 6 years caring more and more for my mother. The past year she lived with us as she couldn’t be left for more than 5 hours. I worked part time around her for the past four years. We did have care for the first couple of years, but I never thought they did a great job and they cost a fortune, so she paid me half to top up my pt wage. It was hard, and towards the end I got a little resentful, but I would do it again if I could wind back time.

My husband’s mother had to go into a home as her dementia meant she needed a lot more supervision than my mum had. We tried caring for her initially but it was impossible.

If she enjoyed being looked after in hospital would it be worth talking to her about some kind of supported living/care home?

The Caree’s behaviour determines hugely how awful/ all-consuming eldercare is.

When they won’t accept help except from
you; when they pull emergencies every 5 minutes (avoidable); when they Won’t Be Told; when that triggers emergency of the day 2.

When hospitals want to boot them out cos they’re disruptive. When they won’t look
after each other.

Personality change is common and unpleasant - tunnel vision selfishness, rudeness to carers, racism to carers, absence of affection.

That’s before dementia kicks in.

I took a couple of months LOA to help look after my dad in his final months with terminal cancer, but he had nurses and carers coming in to clean him and dress any sores. My DM did most of the caring. I then took early retirement to look after my terminally ill DH. It was the hardest thing I've ever done and it almost broke me.

My mum lives nearby and is 90 and increasingly frail. As I'm retired and nearby I'll probably do as much as I can when she needs care, but to a limit.

I too don't want to be a burden to my two DDs. After the experience of caring for DH I don't want them to have that responsibility. I really hope I won't be one of those elderly people who refuses care/care home when/if needed. I wonder if we can make a living will, while we have full capacity, stating our wishes for elderly care, giving permission to override any stubbornness that may come with diminishing capacity/dementia?

My parents moved in with us 5 years ago into an annexe from living 90 minutes away and having them close was invaluable when my DF got cancer and passed away.
It’s also made keeping an eye on DM a lot easier BUT it works because she is determined to maintain independence and not rely solely on us - she has cleaners, lots of visitors, an account with a local taxi firm so she can go out and about. We order her food shop with ours and do odd jobs but she’ll happily “get a man in” if something needs doing.

It's the slippery slope/ boiling the frog creep of caring that is the issue. Because when your parents need help with sorting out their insurance or want your help and advice because they can't get the TV to work one day, it's fine. Hardly anyone would refuse to help with the little jobs like that! And then it gradually gets more and more.

There comes a point where full time care is required, and that's an 'easy' choice - family or professionals. But it's the bit before that when they are managing but not quite and it's not quite enough for professionals and it's only this and only that. And more and more is required of family, but it's not quite enough to need full time care.

People don't generally go from living totally independently to needing full time care. It's the gap between that families, usually daughters, have to fill.

We didn’t live near any of our parents, my Father needed proper nursing care after an operation went wrong when he was in his late seventies and he spent 7 years in a Nursing home. My Mother was as fit a flea till she hit very late eighties. She lived near four of my siblings who between them covered her, I assisted from a distance by helping her with finances. Having 6 children was helpful at that point.

FIL retired overseas and he lived with SIL, who was deeply resentful. DH spent 2 months last year caring for his Mother who had cancer, he had just retired and she told us she had cancer 3 weeks later. So our 3 month hurray we are both retired trip was cancelled. If I’m honest I was pissed off. A similar thing has happened to a friend but both her PIL became unwell. I say they didn’t kiss your knee better as a child so unless you adore them then it’s not the same as your actual parents. Also to quote DS to his GF who I overheard recently. My Mum will be a great MIL as Granny (MIL) was so horrible to her she knows how not to behave. I think deep down she is a bit racist. She said to me once I view you as white, I’m mixed race, I was deeply insulted, other stuff as well. She stayed with us when she had her hip replaced as we were both still working FT then, she was a PITA. I am not doing any care for her ever again. She said recently she would like to live with us. I have told DH I will divorce him rather than live with her. She has suggested we all sell up and buy a house with an annexe.

I know, it sounds mean but I wouldn’t give up my job and be a full time carer for my in laws but if it came down to it I would for my own parents even though they’re less likely to need that.

Exactly this. We live in a country with professional carers, and a Welfare State. It is not (automatically) a family role. Those of us with no kids know that we'll have to sort out our own needs, so why should it be any different for people with families?

@GreenCaterpillarOnALeaf Helping out a bit is relatively easy. It’s dealing with falls, cooking, cleaning, appointments and eventually washing, getting up, all housework etc etc. It’s a very long list when an elderly person can do very little. Many refuse help and careers. You need a line in the sand to know when helping becomes overwhelming and a job.

Well, I gave up having a family of my own, my career, private pension contributions as well as state contributions and a significant decrease in our own budget and lifestyle to care for both my parents and my in laws. Didn’t even get a thank you. But it was the right thing morally to do.
But my conscience is clear, and the alternative options would have not been any better for the parents (and in laws). Do I regret it - yes, would I do it again - no. Would I advise anyone else to do it - I would sit them down and have a long hard conversation with them.
’luckily’ I have no family whatsoever, so future me will have to pay for any care.

i think past a certain point, a care home with full time trained carers who have mainly chosen this as a job and rotate around and have days off, with regular visits from family is preferable to a family member with no training no support and no time off.

I don’t think anyone goes into a home unless it’s a last resort!

This is something that worries me on a near weekly basis despite having currently healthy parents. My mum gave up work to look after her mum, I’ve always felt there’s been an unsaid expectation I would do the same, she makes jokes about rooms in our house that she will move into. I have no intention of becoming a carer to a parent, and I wouldn’t dream of my children doing it for me. I fully accept when I cannot look after myself independently I will need to find appropriate housing. It feels even more pressure as my parents are separated and single.

I loved my grandmother, but growing up with a very unwell older person in our house has honestly scarred me, I dread old age and it has impacted my life and will no doubt continue to do so as I worry about old age.

I’m 1/6 children and we’ve talked about this a lot. If one of my parents becomes frail and ill my brother and sister would do a bigger share of the care as they have no kids, but those of us with children would also help. If it was my dad I would probably help more as he lives down the road.

I do worry about if it happened to my in laws though as DH only has one sister and she’s a lot older and already in bad health. I think we might end up looking after them at some point which could be tricky with three children, but they’ve done a lot for us including care for our children a lot so I think it’s only fair we help them when they get older.

I cared for my declining parents for about five years while mum battled horrendous dementia it was the worst period of my life. During this time my dad’s health declined and he had cancer and a brain tumour. Mum died while dad was in hospital recovering from surgery to remove the brain tumour which left him unable to walk, a long rehabilitation followed and I was with him every step of the way. When he came out of hospital he came to live with me dying some three years or so later in my home.
Caring for them took nearly everything from me for the best part of ten years but I kept them out of institutional care which I had promised to do. I couldn’t have lived with the guilt if I had abandoned them, I gave them everything I had and I won’t pretend it was easy but it was the right thing to do.
In my opinion society today suffers dreadfully from a lack of responsibility both for ourselves and for our families.
My husband and I have worked very hard to put aside enough money to provide (live in) care for us in our home should we need it. We moved to a house specifically designed by us to be suitable for old age. We eat well and exercise regularly in order to stay as able as possible for as long as possible, hopefully our boys won’t be faced with the commitment I had.

I am the full time carer for my DH with dementia. When it comes to caring there are a number of different levels of care required and the choices will be particular to each family. Dementia is very challenging. I get one day off a week (where I pay for cover) and the rest is a 24/7 job which can involve sometimes physical and verbal aggression, lots of wee, lots of poo and a whole lot of other unpleasant things. There are some good times, but not many these days. I do not judge anyone at all who looked to a good care home for their loved one and I would not have done this when DCs were small, it would have been far too much.

Problem is, and i have posted about this more than once, is that frail and elderly folk dont seem to be allowed to pass away peacefully anymore. 30 years ago , family doctor would attend, granny/grandad would be made comfortable and go peacefully. Now its blue lights to A&E, 3 days on a corridor, pumped full of antibiotics, rehydrated and sent home for a few more months of misery, not only for the patient but their family as well. Once upon a time pneumonia was "the old man's friend" now it seems to be "keep them alive at all costs"

When I was much younger my parents always told us that when/if they got old and needed help under no circumstances would they want us to give up anything to look after them. Their joy is to have bought up happy healthy children to have independent lives. They both now live together in a care home, I visit at least twice a week and they love to hear about my holidays and what people are up to whilst at the same time being safe and looked after.

they are self funding and the money will run out but they are in a home where the council will take over payments so they will live out the rest of their lives there.

Nothing.

My remaining parent was neglectful, angry and abusive when I was a child/teen and caused me so much pain that we have no relationship now and I would never disturb the peace that it took me so long to find as an adult to care for someone like that.

I was in a difficult situation with mil. We had primary aged dc, they weren’t even teens. So DH organised what she needed and it was a home. She could not manage at home so no choice. She had managed pretty well and her decline was quite quick. DH is an only child so there wasn’t help and he was running a mid sized consultancy business and had no spare time. A few years later, he had 2 aunts, both without dc, who needed care and one paid for care at home and the other got dementia and went into a home. Both well over 90. We simply were not going to care for 3 of them. DH had no help from any other relatives and the aunt with dementia had another nephew and niece but they were no shows.

For my own DM it was problematic. I wasn’t working and DCs were in their 20s, but it’s extremely time consuming and DM was very keen to stay at home and manage. The big problem is getting help. It was difficult to persuade her she needed it and then finding it was a nightmare. My siblings took virtually no interest and rarely visited. Eventually at 99, DM could not manage and she actually liked her care home. They were great and it was near me. I could spend more time with her and it worked very well. If you can get a good home, they have wonderful residents and staff. I got to know quite a few of them. So I would not fear a home but be choosy.

Your life matters too. We don’t all have a life we can dedicate to parents. I did what I could but maintained a life for me. I essentially now don’t speak to my siblings or their dc. They simply butted out and did next to nothing. I did ask for help and one more or less went nc (had children beyond school age) and the other had no dc. One worked part time and the other had not worked for years. They just left me to it. DD is getting married later this year and none of them are invited. 10 years ago, this would have been unthinkable. Aging parents do present family difficulties which can lead to divisions. I managed DM on my own and now I’m on my own - which I guess is sad.

I too won't have the same choices as my DPs as my DC will not be able to do the same for us as we are currently doing. DH and I are actively (but not very fast) simplifying our admin/finances and decluttering our house.

Having recently realised our 'new build' house is now 30 years old we'll be looking at whether we need to do any proactive updates to it soon too.