How much are people willing to sacrifice with care for the elderly?

One thing I notice, OP, is that you say 'FIL'- are you the wife expected to care for your FIL? Often women are expected to step forward as unpaid carers, even for relatives that are not their own. Men rarely do. I would care with my own hands for only one family member, the rest will have to have care organized by others, I have a lot of experience arranging care/cleaners/gardeners/filling in the forms so will be doing that.

We facilitated MIL prompt move into residential care after FIL died. She couldn’t manage at home and had over £1m in assets. No better use of her money at this point. DH and SIL were unwilling and unable to become her ‘carer’ or her runaround. We are just coming up retirement age and plan to travel. MIL, who gave up work in her 20’s has had her chance to do that (and didn’t/they chose to live frugally). So now it’s our turn.
I hope I’m unselfish enough to do the same with myself if the time comes, buy in care and let my busy adult DC with jobs and families of their own live their lives free of the indefinite burden.
The wants of someone at the end of life don’t trump those of others in the prime of theirs.

I know this isn’t at all useful, it I just wanted to say that I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I hope you are able to accept/get/pay for more help when you want it. It takes a huge toll on you and I’m sure your DH would want the best for you if he could express this.

I can’t care for my DPs. I don’t live in the same country of them. So I can’t.
Currently trying to work out what’s reasonable about visiting and boundaries.
I think long term I could go visit M-F once every 6-8 weeks. And this isn’t caring.
I have a sister who lives nearby. I worry she will do too much.
Time will tell I guess.

Nothing.

Parents were great and that, and i did stuff when specifically asked, but with a full time+ job and 2 kids, my focus tended to be: job, kids, me, dh,parents.

I am not a natural carer and i also worked bloody hard for the life i had. I don't expect my kids to help me. I want out at the first sign of dementia or infirmity. I've seen mental and physical deterioration in elderly family. I choose neither.

I was chatting to a friend of mine recently about this. My friends mother is now in her 80's.

For years her mother has been selfish with her time and mean with her money. My friend has had years of doing little jobs and sorting out stuff for her.
She expects my friend to get her better deals on her various bills.

At one stage my friend was dealing with several difficult things. She told her mother what was happening then. Her mother's attitude was well you can sort it out.

Meanwhile nothing was to much trouble for her mother's golden children for years.

When her mother needed extra help her golden children did very little.

After this my friend had enough of her mother and her poor behaviour. She stopped doing little jobs. She said no her mother so she had to sort out or make other plans.

My friend has decided to change jobs next year for both financial reasons and so she won't be as available for care. She knows that her mother won't be happy over this because she expects my friend to do the majority of care if or when she requires this.
Her mother has refused to listen to any advice or put proper plans in place for this stage of her life. My friend has decided for her own physical and mental health to step back and the golden children can step up and sort things out as they happen.

My friend has seen people dealing with elderly relatives and they health declining for years. The constant in and out of hospital, refusing to go to the doctor's, refusing to stay in hospital and wanting to stay at home. Meanwhile there adult kids have jobs, there own kid's and may not always be near the parents home.
My friend has seen the selfishness develope with elderly people in that it all about them and what they want. I know a lady who was told not to give up her then job to become a full time carer for elderly parents because now she has a better job that came after both parents died.

Agreed. Whilst ironically the NHS are under treating the younger generation e.g. CAMHS, neurodiversity services etc. Like a lot of things these days it’s the older generation sucking up the resources and they aren’t being fairly shared around

This had to come down to personal choice and circumstance. No one else can answer this. What do your parents want/ need? What do you/ partner want/ need? Wendy is your relationship with them like? What can you afford? Do you have the skills/ patience needed without ruining your relationship?
The important thing is to be clear with them on your boundaries early on so that they can also plan. I work in a hospital and we are regularly told by patients that their family will support and when we speak to family they ask us to tell their parents that they cannot do it any longer.

Yes, there was another poster on this forum who ended up having a heart attack and admitted to the same hospital her elderly mother was already in.

My cousin and her daughter worked themselves to the bone caring for my uncle. My cousin ended up dying before he did. Her daughter felt awful as she said she was so busy running round after my uncle she didn't notice her mum's symptoms until it was too late. (Heart problems) Very sad and a warning not to be too selfless

No, I won’t be doing hands on care. Managing finances and paying care home bills at a distance is fine.

I grew up in a multi-generational
household where everything was geared to the needs of the elderly person, and there is no way I am doing the same
thing to my own children.

We need to have difficult conversations about why the NHS is hellbent on over-treating all these people whose quality of life is non-existent and who keep being shipped into hospital and pumped full of antibiotics.

A large part of the issue is who pays for the cleaners, gardeners etc. My DPs have much more savings than I will ever have because of excellent pensions and being able to work until 60 without having to care for their DPs. I could have put in the appropriate level of support much earlier if they had been prepared to sign it off, but the mental leap of me losing many many thousands in earnings and pension contributions versus them paying £40 an hour for additional care and support was beyond their limited reasoning, so I could only add it in at the rate they were prepared to tolerate it.

My dm was adamant that she didn't need or want help, and she lived an hour away. She refused to move and did not have dementia so we couldn't insist.

We gradually introduced help in the form of someone who came in to deal with a fallen tree, and stayed as a weekly gardener. Then a cleaner who started out cleaning outside windows and took over hoovering, kitchens and bathrooms.

Then Farm Foods deliveries, a home hair dresser, an account with the local taxi firm and an alarm call service. We managed to keep her out of a home and relatively independent, which was what she wanted. Then she went into hospital for a minor procedure and died in her sleep.

I have been part time for a number of years, mainly to spend time with my increasingly frail mum. I am not giving up work to care full time, and even this level of support is hard. Dementia is cruel and I don’t judge anyone for only being involved to the extent they can manage without burning themselves out.

It wasn't a choice.

As I pointed out, at first it was just the odd thing and I didn't mind. The point when I went part time wasn't because I chose to care for my Mum, it was because I was caring for Mum anyway and trying to do it and work full time was killing me. Going part time was to save my mental health not because I chose to look after Mum. By the time I found I was looking after her, I took steps to get carers in, but they don't do everything - someone still has to book them, pay them, pay other bills etc. Not to mention all the appointments that you can't leave to carers. Mum has dementia and the carers, lovely as they mostly are, mostly struggle with English and would never be able to or should be expected to deal with complicated appointments.

My sister could and should have helped and supported. Even bothering to visit her Mother sometimes would be nice. Her choice was easy because I lived closer. She would have to had to step up and do things -even arranging carers- if I wasn't around.

Nothing.

My parents made it very clear throughout my childhood that I was an inconvenience.

They divorced when I was 5 and prioritized their own love lives, meaning that I was subjected to emotional and physical abuse and witnessed domestic violence.

They have provided very little support to me since having my own children.

They made their beds....

As far as my in laws are concerned, not my circus, not my monkeys. That's for DH and his sister to sort out.

Pretty much zero bar the odd visit or me making Sunday dinner for the whole family etc. I have 2 pre-schoolers, a full time job and parents who live hours a way. As the only daughter with 2 brothers then already my mum tries to get me to do the boring or hard tasks that she or my brothers can't or won't do -l push back and decline. Life is busy e.g. yesterday l worked 8am to 6pm so by the time you factor in making dinner, showers, bedtime etc then l often only get 30 minutes a day for myself. Throwing in care of the elderly (there are 2 sets of parents and 3 aunts who are single in the mix) would mean zero time to myself and time being taken from my children or my earning potential being impacted. I've told my mother l have little time to myself and life is busy so l can't / won't take on more but she just won't take it on board. It's not a cognitive issue, it just doesn't suit her narrative. My first responsibility and priority are my children.

I also have my own mental health and physical issues. No medical professional has told me to overdo it and burn myself out for someone else. The advice is very much pace yourself. Even if they didn't then l won't be doing 8pm dashes up the motorway after a 10 hour day at work.

It's fine if my husband wants his parents to move in with us. But he or will move out of the marital home and will divorce as lm not willing to do that. Our stairs are quite steep and our garden is on a few levels so it's probably him moving out!

My parents made it clear at an early stage that they were leaving 3/4 of their estate to my sister (who had given them grandchildren) so that was my cue to keep my distance. As the solo child free daughter I was not going to be manipulated into being a carer. That was a consideration when I decided to move to another city to go to uni. It was also a consideration when I took on an EU research job which involved regular European travel. My sister had been the golden princess when we were kids so she became the golden carer when we were older.

It’s your sisters choice and she’s allowed to make that choice. In the same way you have chosen to go part time

With respect if he is still fit and active and working full time at 60 (which is true for most people) then it is vanishingly unlikely that he will need care in the next few years, I hope that is true for you. Most 60 year olds I know are caring to some extent for at least one elderly parent themselves. My parents are in their 80s now (I'm the 60 year old) and only in the last year started needing care but they are beyond recognition compared to their 60 year old fully active full time working selves - I could never have anticipated how much they would change.

I agree about the creeping nature of it, we have only started on this journey in the last year, but we will not be having parents live with us (impossible without moving house), will not be doing personal care, will not be retiring early to act as carers. But we are and will take on admin, odd jobs, organising professional care etc.

I totally agree re boiling a frog. I think this is also where expectations (particularly on daughters) are most difficult to navigate. I think there's also an issue that family members drop everything to deal with a crisis but then that crisis either becomes a longer term issue or a constant series of crises and there's an expectation that the same level of help should continue.
In my case, I took time away from work/family etc to help a lot when DF was very ill. The expectation was that he would recover fully so this would be a short term issue. But that didn't happen and it became a much longer illness, then he passed and mum needed lots of help with the funeral/death admin etc as well as supporting her, then DM had a number of health crises leading to assessments for dementia and needing help to deal with that and now she needs lots of help with everyday tasks and is frightened to be alone. At each stage, it seemed like there was a need for just a little bit more help, and for just a little bit longer so we just managed. Now there is a huge pressure of expectation from DM and other family members for this to continue- we've been managing so far so why does it suddenly need to change?
Unfortunately, as I suspect is often the case, now that decisions really need to be made for longer term care DM technically has capacity to do so but is not really able/willing to think through the consequences for everyone. Her fall back position is that she will not move consider any sort of residential care but at the same time she does not want carers in her home and does not like being alone. I really need to reduce the amount of time and energy I spend doing things for her but since she won't consider anything else stepping back always leads to a crisis and pulls me back in.
I never wanted to take on this role, and have never made a decision to do it. It has just gradually grown. The only possible way to reduce my role would be to just leave her (and useless brother) to it but that feels wrong as I know there will be a crisis so to avoid being drawn back in I will also have to refuse to respond to he crisis.

The problem with that argument is your definition of 'last resort' before needing a care home will be way past what your children might want to cope with.

I told my adult dcs "I dont want you giving up your time and energy.Only care for us if you have decided you want to do so to save your inheritance" 😂

ETA (and we want to give them as much of our money as we can well in advance of our (likely) expiry dates)

@Canoodler are you me in disguise? I could have written that post bar the fact that my DM had no mobility!

For over 30 years my parents (together then DM alone after DF died) lived in the granny annex in our garden. Meanwhile DH and I had 5 children. DF cared for DM who had very limited mobility because of arthritis and when he died I wanted to support her as much as I could. It was a slippery slope.

I didn't start caring for her 24/7, just did what I could to help her - made her meals, took her shopping, spent time with her. My DH and DC pitched in, particularly my two younger girls and although it was stressful it was doable.

Unfortunately her health deteriorated and my girls lives moved on. Within 3 months two of them got married and one left for university. It got to the stage where I could no longer leave the house because she needed me for something every hour - a trip to the toilet could take 30 minutes. And there were calls in the middle of the night - she could no longer tell the time. It was horrendous.

If I had known what I was signing up for I would have involved SS from the beginning but at the start it was just a bit more help than I was already giving and that bit of help grew and grew. It was a slippery slope that left me angry and exhausted and overwhelmed with guilt.

I will help where I can, but I’m unwilling to become a carer for any elderly relatives. I have a career and I’m pregnant at 36 with my first child, so will probably have teenagers by the time parents or in laws need support.

None of them have really helped us out with anything and have said they won’t help with the baby even though they could (which is fair enough), so I don’t feel like it’s owed. I would perhaps feel differently if we were one of those families that did a lot for each other, like my best friend’s family, but we’re not.