How much are people willing to sacrifice with care for the elderly?

Yes being allowed to die rather than living in agony and dustless and causing untold damage to your children and their mental health.

I know this sounds harsh but I do think we keep people alive for the sake of it.

I know many people who have said it would be far kinder for their parents to be left to die in peace.
We do not keep our beloved pets alive living in agony.
Surely it’s better for people to die in relative comfort in their own home, rather than be kept alive and in and out of hospital, causing distress to all concerned.
To answer the question about children caring for parents it is utterly exhausting.
Nobody seems to care that you are working and cannot just attend appointments or provide constant care for elderly relatives.
Having said that there will be lots of lazy adult children who don’t give a damn.
We see plenty of it on here where one person is excited to do everything whilst their sibling just carries on as usual.

I am not sure what the answer is, but I do think this dogged insistence on determining capacity — without understanding the impact on those supporting “ independence” needs to change somehow.

I completely agree, and actually feel that the ‘capacity’ argument is a shield behind which many of our healthcare and social care providers hide.

It’s a saying trotted out when the dementia patient goes for a wander in the night and gets lost; it’s recently been repeated to DH when a befuddled , but not diagnosed, relative got themselves into a huge financial mess, with the help of a solicitor no less.

Right now, in my 60s, I feel that I have in place the paperwork and indeed the means to pay for my care should I need it. But having witnessed the personality changes which @rookiemere describes, my personal preference would be to go before that happens.

I know my mother suffered for it but at the same time she would never ever have expected us to give up any kind of paid work for her. She was the breadwinner for us for many years and somehow gave us effectively an elite upbringing on an incredibly frayed shoestring of income and a husband who kept pulling the financial rug out, by working all the hours. Also she expected us to prioritise our children the way she prioritised us. She made it quite clear she expected to go into a home when needed.

The outcome I don’t think was at all nice for her, but tbh her living with us wasn’t feasible due to her challenging behaviour post stroke, she had to go to a highly specialist setting.

I would definitely rather die than have my son and his future family suffer in any way for my care, and that’s not a casual phrase. The difficulty of course is being allowed to die, but I have done the legal paperwork up to the limit of the law to try and arrange that.

I am disabled and in my sixties. There is no way I want my adult DC giving up their jobs or sacrificing their own family life to care for me.

Once I can’t do it myself I will aim for sheltered housing.

Beautifully put and unless you personally experience, it’s almost impossible to understand how a DP or in my case two with dementia can utterly destroy your career, personal life and mental health.

Its easy to say I wouldn’t do this or that or I wouldn’t expect my DCs to do this for me, indeed my DM said it herself for most of her life, except for the past year when it actually became meaningful. Not her fault - her personality has changed to such a degree due to dementia that she doesn’t really know what she’s asking.

I was always clear about saying what I would and wouldn’t do, but when it comes down to it as an only DC I couldn’t let them live in squalor and unsafe conditions although I have POA on the finances, I could only get in the level of paid care they were prepared to tolerate as apparently my time and effort was free of cost. I was also victim of boiling the frog, where I put in superhuman effort for a crisis, only for the crisis to drag on and become my norm.

I am not sure what the answer is, but I do think this dogged insistence on determining capacity- well yes of course they want to live at home but have you observed the mouldy food in the fridge etc. etc. - without understanding the impact on those supporting “independence “ needs to change somehow. We wouldn’t let a child live in the squalid conditions some old folk are in, so why let them do it under the banner of them having capacity and being their own choice.

@NoCareNoFair On the recommendation of our local authority I used the UKCIL website which is very good. It allowed me to contract with experienced carers directly and to check references. Continuity of care can be important.

I am lucky that I have wonderful parents who did not want years of my life taken up caring for them. They had both worked in healthcare and seen the awful slow decline of many people with dementia etc and didn’t want us to feel guilty if we didn’t provide care. They were very clear that we were to step aside and use carers.

They also did all the sensible things, downsized to a bungalow, decluttered massively and moved into a central location where it was easy to access the gp/shops/taxis etc. That move helped them keep their independence so much longer than they would have in a previous more rural large property and they really enjoyed themselves free time they had- less property to maintain! They moved at the perfect time, still mobile and energetic enough to explore the new area and make friends.

I was happy enough to provide support to my parents, but as I was working full time and single I couldn't provide much in the way of care. My DM moved into care when it became obvious she wasn't coping well at home, my DF moved into an apartment in a care home complex so help was on hand if needed. Neither parent would have ever expected me to look after them. None of my friends have cared for their parents either, I think it is more common here for people to go into care.

No one tells you that in this century the disease your parents die of is a tectonic plate in your life, the same way your marriage, career and children are.

Given many still escape The Lost Decades of Caring, it’s a huge, new form of social & economic injustice.

Not sure why we’re talking about boomers. In our family it’s not the boomers who need care.

I'm sure we all feel that, but we also accept that an old person needs feeding / cleaning, which requires human labour and thus costs money.
So if we don't want people to sacrifice themselves to care for parents, we'll have to come up with/ pay for, a social care system. Which politician's are afraid to discuss with the electorate, because we all want someone else to pay for and care for the Boomers.

I also found my Mum's via a local care agency. The big ones all offer live in care. However I think they source people at that point.
I recommend trying it. I don't have the "care home guilt" although there are a lot of other challenges.

Be very careful about what sacrifices you make OP. From experience this could he for years, even decades.

My DFIL very much expected me and DSIL to do the care but it just wasn’t practical.

Instead we set up systems so that he was looked after but without daily input from the two of us, although DH did end up doing a lot towards the end.

So things like shipping delivered, he could manage to order this himself mostly.

Falls alarm. Prescriptions delivered in a dosset box. A cleaner and a gardener and he chose to have a carer once a day in the morning.

He also went to a few social activities like a lunch club for the elderly.

Dont forget that any care you provide will be for 52 weeks a year unless you can get someone to cover that care for you or he will agree to go into respite care when you need a break.

Didn't do it, would not want my dc to
make sacrifices to look after me.

Oh yes, the bottomless well of annual leave and weekends! My mum pretty much doesn't accept that l can't take annual leave whenever and for however long l want. Interesting when she's keen for me to clear a relatives hoarding house when they day. Which will take numerous weekends and 12-18 months of annual leave. Meaning my children wouldnt get a holiday or much time with me as l have been guilted into clearing a load of tut out of a house 🙄

I cared for mil for 10 years, the last few 24 hours per day. She had dementia. I thought it was the right thing to do. I don’t want my DC to do that.

I kept going till I had a burnout/breakdown last summer. Dmum is now in full time care and it breaks my heart every time I see her. She has dementia and is frail. She always said she never wanted me to look after her but I just kept on picking up more and more.

We were using a local care company for daily visits. They also provide live in carers, so when we said we needed one they sourced someone.

How did you find the live in carer if you don’t mind me asking?

I agree with this.

I am not sacrificing my life for my parents.

My life is more important than my parents' lives.

I live a 1 hour train trip then a plane journey away, or a plane ride and longish train journey away.
I can’t change this. I live where I live.Have done for many years. My DC and husband live here with me.
But my parents can accept help to take the pressure off my sister. So far they seem reluctant to do so.
We can only have our own boundaries/ability to help.
Since January I think I’ve been visiting on average twice a month. But this isn’t sustainable. Neither would 1 parent accept this. The other one would have me to everything possible.
I can do things in person, and do. I am doing things remotely.
It is what it is.

@Ritaskitchen The truth is your sister will do everything and you will do next to nothing. I had 2 sisters who decided living 3 and 4 hours away was far enough to do absolutely nothing! They still got the same as me in the will and one didn’t even visit for 6 years! Parents can be very odd about who they actually value. They expect the nearest to step up and others get a free pass.

My parents are early 70s, MiL early 80s. None of them have any care whatsoever (not even cleaners, gardeners etc) and they all hate the thought of it. But when the time comes we will not be doing it.
My parents met very young and have had their whole lives together. They have done their share of caring (my mother more than my father), which they freely admit was awful, but always prioritised each other, even over us kids.
My FiL died a decade ago but they also met very young, had an amazingly full life together and had no caring responsibilities. Again, my MiL wasn’t the most dedicated mother.
All parents are well off, with good pensions. We will therefore not be funding any form of care.
My partner and I met later in life. Both still working full time and have many plans for our future together. No way are our parents moving in with us, ever. If they aren’t safe in their own homes, they won’t be any safer in ours, and our lives are not going to be lived as 24/7 carers.
My parents find it amazing that children of friends/relatives don’t accompany their parents to hospital appointments or visit every week. I have to gently remind them that they work full-time (like we do), that they can’t just take time off all the time, that their annual leave and weekends are precious (as are ours).
Luckily my partner and I are on the same page entirely when it come to the care of our parents. I want to remain their daughter, not their carer. They don’t like it, it might not be a popular opinion, but our lives really did begin again at 40 and we want to enjoy it while we can.

I’m sure a lot of older people would have much better relationships with their children if they didn’t expect them to care for them. Surely your children regularly visiting you in a home and having a good relationship with them and every interaction being positive is better than the gradual decline into resentment that almost every child/carer feels when they become a carer to an elderly person?

Thankfully my parents are of the opinion that they didn’t have us for us to spend our prime years being their carers and have told us that we are not to care for them. Of course this does not mean being uncaring - we will make sure they are comfortable and happy and receive the best care there is - fortunately they will be able to afford this as well. For now they are late 70s/early 80s and still in excellent health. My Dad still goes skiing!

My DP’s mother I fear will be the opposite.