How much are people willing to sacrifice with care for the elderly?

What do those of us do who have really poor relationships with their parents? I am the only one doing anything for her really as one sibling lives at the other end of the country and another is 20 miles away but working full time and only visits once or twice a year. I have a really poor relationship with my mother. She is rude insulting and very difficult to be around. However she has a coterie of young women from her church who dote on her. She isn’t rude to them so I am just leaving her to them in the main. It feels dreadful and I am full of guilt , but my own issues absorb a lot of my energy and I just can’t cope with her.

Most people who have children later don't do so by choice, it's because they haven't met a partner or haven't been able to secure housing or have had fertility problems. So consideration of the age of their parents is just not going to factor in. And at least of you are dealing with elderly parents aged 40 you should be relatively fit and healthy yourself rather than it not happening till you are heading towards retirement. I have friends who were coping with young children and elderly parents in their 40s and it was extremely hard but they are now in their 50s/60s and without commitments. But there are others who are 60+ with childrearing just finished and now the possibility of 10+ years of parent care just when their own health possibly starts to deteriorate and the prospect of working FT till they are 67. Not sure which is worse.

Agree with this. The caring creeps up on you. First it’s a couple of hours a week to do a big shop. Then while you’re out you stop off to pay the paper. Then it’s a hospital appointment occasionally. Then it’s all hospital appointments, along with vaccines, batteries for hearing aids, eye tests. Then it’s long hospital admissions with twice daily visits because otherwise they don’t eat. Plus keeping their home ticking over..

The other thing, which isn't really mentioned, is the problem of people having children later... So people used to be 60 (and retired) when their parents in their 80s needed help. Their own children were in their 40s and independent.

If you don't have children until you are 40, and neither did your parents, then when your parents are 80, you are 40 and your children have only just been born. You have people with even less time to be carers.

I speak as a rare child of my era with 40 yr old parents. So now I'm in my 40s having to care for parents and children (albeit I had my children younger so they are teens now).

This is going to be a massive issue in a few decades and something that is overlooked when people discuss waiting longer to have their children.

I read a lot of ridiculous ideas and expectations on this board, but this is a cracker. Your brother is deluded. Tell him you'd be burnt out in weeks and not able to do anything for anyone. If he mentions it again after that I'd just laugh.

Edited for terrible spelling. It's been a long ass day.

Willing implies I have a choice - which I guess I do its just the choices are not always good!

Personally, we are increasingly supporting and providing care for our elderly relatives which we are happy and able to do but we are still working FT and supporting school age dc at home. My retirement age has risen (which i accept) and increasingly I am being told that retirement is something I must plan to fund for myself throughout my working life. There is an increasing media and political narrative too that the state shouldn't be supportjng working age people who potentially can support themselves, and coupled with all the recent talk about youth unemployment and that young adults should be moving away to seek work it just all seems completely contraindicatory. We can't have it all ways.

Im fortunate to be geographically close but thats really by chance rather than plannjng. I can't though work to support my family and my future self and also provide the 24 hr care I know one of them is inevitably going to need (degenerative neurological condition).

When I think about my family's previous generations rightly or wrongly it was the women who provided care for aging parents but they either were in working in voluntary roles or/and retired at 60 and stayed local as their husbands found work nearby. Both relied on state pensions (which lets face it may or may not be there in the future). Add in current limited social care and funding and it's just a ticking time bomb with the whole wider picture being just a mess.

Just my rambling thoughts after another difficult day juggling everything and feeling like an absolute failure.

DH did a lot, a lot, a lot for MIL and that impacted our family life a lot. The more he did the greater the expectations. When he started saying no he got a lot of nasty pushback. I learned an awful lot from the experience. Say no early and often and don’t let the expectations start. I won’t be caring for elderly relatives. Luckily I won’t be asked due to dynamics but I won’t be doing it.

I agree. My sibling is adamant that mum must be cared for in her own home by family (which is realistically just the 2 of us and a few other elderly relatives). I don't think this is realistic but he is only willing to consider what is theoretically/technically possible - eg. I could either work from her place for half the week to care for her, or go to work as usual then spend the evenings and weekends looking after her. He is not willing to considered whether any of this is actually practically feasible eg. how much work would be possible whilst also acting as carer? when do I get time with my own family? how do I care for anyone when I am exhausted from effectively working round the clock?

I also think it's not just a case of how much am I willing to sacrifice, it's also how much am I willing to make my DH and DC sacrifice.

Orange alot of families there are fallouts so not a given siblings will help. My mother has a romantic view of it I think. With cost living nobody can just give up their incomes.. Ive college fees aswell. No easy answers. There were rows over overnights as everyone had their own kids..

I have siblings and we all pitched in as my mother became increasingly frail. Although obviously I don't want my children to look after me but none of us know how it will pan out. I will not go into a home unless it's a last resort.

Not everyone has siblings so this is rather short sighted - I am an only child which would mean I'd never ever get a break or any respite at all. Its easier if you have siblings but not everyone does

I think its all very well suggesting people give up their jobs and family life to care for elderly relatives but that is completely unrealistic and pie in the sky for most people.

Eg if I gave up my job, I wouldnt be able to pay my mortgage so we would lose our house. If I spent part of every day away from home, I wouldnt be able to support my young teenagers properly and they still need support even though they arent toddlers any more. It would also affect me emotionally and physically.

Therefore, it's not about me deciding to not make the sacrifice, it's literally a physical impossibility and I suspect this is the case for most people with jobs and their own families to care for.

Even IF I was a millionaire and didnt need to work I still wouldnt be a full time carer as I have neither the skills or the patience to do that kind of work. There is no shame in admitting that.

Yes, it amazes me that HCPs and social services aren’t required to view the needs of the family rather than just the elderly parent. I’ve had them ask why I can’t move in to care for a few days/weeks after a hospital
stay - because I have a full time job, mortgage I’m responsible for paying and children at primary school.

I’d be in big trouble with social services where I live if I didn’t pick my children up from school because I was in another city caring for elderly person.

And funnily enough, my children come first.

I fully expect my mother to announce that she needs live in care (I.e move in with us). She’s already dropped hints.

it wouldn’t occur to her that I have my own life to lead and may not want to or feel comfortable being a full time (unpaid) carer, give up my job and freedoms etc.

obviously I won’t be doing it. I will provide financial support if required and visit regularly but I refuse to take on that permanent role.

she never did it for her mother

I agree that the concept of 'capacity' needs to be reviewed. I also think that HCP/Social care should be required to consider the mental and physical health of family members caring for an elderly person- at least to try to ensure that they understand how needs are likely to increase/the toll this can take on carers etc and to give them someone to speak to when it becomes overwhelming. Of course, that would take a lot of resources so unlikely to happen any time soon.

My observation is that HCP/Social services are very unlikely to question anything if an elderly person with care needs says 'I want to stay at home'. Even when they have dementia and frequent crises as long as there is a family member responding to calls for help only in the most extreme cases is their desire to stay at home challenged. Those of us dealing with elderly parents know that often 'I want to stay at home' actually means 'I want things to go back to when I was well and I am afraid of change'.

Our mam theres 3 us. We each call a day. Would I do full T care no. It nearly had us collapsed minding our dad. Find some elderly presume it though. She 80s. My sister had to reign it in said you could be on road 7 days with it all) and demands

What I truly do know is that unless you have been there you absolutely don't know what you would do.
There's a vast difference between popping in with shopping and a bit of life admin and an absolutely beautiful Mum who has worse case Alzheimer's, never letting my dad have a minutes peace and leaving the house undressed. Because I truly had no idea until it devastated our family. And we all pulled our weight.
Nobody can answer your question..

It might be out of your hands, of course.

My FIL has dementia and is now in a care home, which wasn’t his choice, but it was for the best.

I was only in my 50s when my parents reached their 80s too, neither had any health issues necessitating care till their mid 80s, so fairly recent for us. I agree you never know what's around the corner, even if I had been prepared and had a suitable house for DF to live in with us he is doubly incontinent now so care visits aren't enough for his hygiene and therefore he is in residential care which isn't what we thought we would want. But it does take a lot of the load off us..

I hope for him he is still fit and active in 8/9 years time, he'll be almost 70 by then so I assume health issues will start arising by that time. He had a heart attack last year too, you never know what's round the corner,

Everyone's life is different isn't it, I'm 34, by the time he's in his 80's I'll only be in my 50's. I'm fortunate that me and my dad will be able to live together if need be and getting carers wouldn't be an issue either ( my dad would not want me helping him with hygiene ect )

Agreed.

I have no interest in living once I lose my independence and mental/physical abilities to the point where I need other people to care for me.

It is a shame as a society that we can't have a mature discussion about people who don't want to be kept alive at all cost once they not longer have any quality of life and don't want to live through indignity.

given traditionalism
traditionally? I didn't understand what OP meant here.

I was always the kid who firmly said she wouldn't look after out parents when they got old and needed daily care. My older brother without hesitation said he would look after them, and I believe he would have done (he helped care for our frail grandparents for years), but then my mom died suddenly & my step-mum doesn't get along with me, much less my brother, so that offer is off the table. Is how my choices pan out. I will try to help if step-sis asks me too, though. She is one who will be asked by step-mum to help. My increasingly frail dad lives very far away, though, so am not much help.

The DPs I am supporting are from the Silent Generation.
They in their turn supported their parents.
It isn't a specific generational thing, it rolls on and on.

The oldest of the baby boom generation are just turning 80, so most of the threads on this board are, and for years have been, about an older generation. With the boomers being the ones in large part doing the caring.

My mother did not want to go into any sort of caring facility so had carers at home. She certainly did not want or expect any of us to be her carers (I actually lived in another country) and fortunately could afford what became around the clock care in the end. My sister did move in to the building she lived in to be on hand (she’s a doctor and has no partner or children), but mostly it was the carers.
I think a lot depends on how much money there is, many families do what they can, but once the care becomes physical then they get professional help.