How much are people willing to sacrifice with care for the elderly?

You say "everything".
Seriously:
A profession
A decent salary
Your privacy
Your partner
The home you share with your partner
Your kids' playdates
Sports day, concerts, dance displays
Your hobby

Some care homes are dreadful, but that's a whole other thread.

I know it’s popular to say so, but it’s quite wrong so say they’re all ‘horrible places’.

In this family we found very nice care homes for DM, FiL, and an aunt, all of whom had dementia at a stage where they needed 24/7 care and supervision, by which I mean someone on hand ALL day, ALL night, 365 days a year. Admittedly the homes that seemed exactly right for them did take some time and effort, but they certainly did exist.

I am guessing that you’ve never needed to live with someone whose dementia got to the stage where they were up and down for half the night, wanting to go out for fish and chips at 3 am, or knocking on a neighbour’s door in their nightie at 1 am, wanting to be driven to Scotland (from Berkshire). Plus constantly waking up dds who were coming up to GCSEs and A levels…

Let alone erupting into the sort of violent rages (when still physically fit) that meant I had to leave the house and take the terrified dog with me.
I could go on….

Well good luck with that, you’re in with a chance if your DPs don’t get dementia.

I know a lady in my new job ( part time and poorly paid due to the challenges of looking after DPs along with menopause over the past year) who judged me for putting both DPs in a care home. I didn’t justify myself, I should not have to.

Gradually over the past few weeks it has transpired that although her elderly DM lives with her, she is still mobile and independent and even goes to line dancing. I shared that DM is fully incontinent, bedridden along with DF who falls over frequently, has bad diabetes now and doesn’t reliably remember to go to the toilet. Plus they lived an hour away and I am an only DC.

Do I think the care home is wonderful? No I don’t, we picked it in a hurry and despite the high price, few staff speak English and fewer still seem to have much interest in the residents. However it is very close so DH and I visit frequently and keep on top of things so they have company and get what they need. It scores highly in surveys so I can only assume it’s there or thereabouts with other care homes and a move would be very disruptive.
Their home was becoming dirty- yes I organised a cleaner but it needed a deep clean which they wouldn’t allow and they couldn’t wash properly or more correctly the carers couldn’t wash them properly as no downstairs wet room ( they refused to get one a few year’s ago) and they survived on mouldy out of date food as DF wouldn’t let me or the carers sort it out properly. Plus I was managing the bills and issues for their property an hour away.

You don’t know how your DPs will be, be careful of definitive promises or judging others for choices they made.

Puts a huge strain on your own family too. I draw the line call one day to her. Not being manipulated by her into more. She not nice to deal with

@heydorotheayoullgo i hope you are able to do what is important to you and many people do it. I’d just never say never.

I’d never become a carer to my parents. Parents need to plan for their own care both practically and financially.

I would give up everything before letting my parents go into a home. Horrible places.

Do people get to a stage of costing a very crisp immobile parent so often that family life becomes increasingly strained but from an emotional level feel little choice?

OP can you explain what you mean by this sentence? It looks like some spellcheckerisms crept in.

Your other question- I absolutely felt obliged (that's the word I would use) to work part-time in order to provide care. My DER didn't know I was caring for someone else, so he expected me to be available to visit him on my non-working days.

I sometimes look around at my colleagues doing professional jobs and wonder how they manage. Within my family there is an absolute expectation that care comes first - "what is the point of working if you can't look after your own?"

I can only say that after having had FiL (with dementia) living with us for around a year - until I was too stressed and exhausted to do it any more - there was absolutely no way a few years later that I was having my DM (who’d also developed dementia) living with us. I did love her, but she’d never been the easiest person anyway, she would take offence at the tiniest little thing and either cry or have ‘that face’ (and voice) on, for days on end.

We supported her as best we could (me and siblings) until it was clear that she wasn’t safe to be left alone at all any more. We found (after a lot of looking) a nice care home for her.

My DER cared for his mother at his home. She had been living with DER's sister but DER says it nearly broke the sister's marriage. He is so sweet asking after my family and telling me to go home and enjoy an evening with my family.
I think the agony of caring for elders has always been around. Adam and Eve's daughters probably went through this.

You are allowed to have your own life and have weekends! Sending sympathy. I work full time and have 2 toddlers, my mother acts like my life / weekends are empty and quiet 🙄. I’m actually tired and am allowed time to rest / re-group / organise

They have answers to everything. I said I like see my mil over the summer. Sure she has her own daughters. Lol. So selfish. You be utterly drained from it all.

My friend did that, at times it was horrible, her mother was a saint and my friend is glad she did it but she doesn’t remember the awful stuff I supported her through. I wouldn’t do it to
my kids.

Sadly you have NO idea what that would entail. The carers would constantly refer to you. You would be on 24/7 duty. Older people get incredibly self absorbed and selfish and if you in the next room why wouldn’t they ask you. For every little thing..

You look at your at your parents now and think - well how hard can it be and with carers too.. kindly. You really really don’t know!

I think it depends very much on your personal circumstances, finances and relationship with that person. My sister and I both do a lot of care for our elderly mum but that's because we love her dearly and she's always been a fantastic mum. So it's not a hardship. I think I would probably feel very differently if she'd been a selfish or uncaring mother.

Olivia its hard. In my friends case they living longer too late 80s.. into 90s

My parents would never expect me to care for them tbh. They didn’t do it for their parents so why would I for mine?

Happy to have them live with me though and have carers come in, but have me and family for support.

Same situation. You are not alone 🫂

It’s relentless, and really can’t be understood unless you’re in the midst of it

Its desperate. Ive done every Saturday since January. Im tired. Told her I call mid week. Im in a school so Im off. Major mood on. Had to tell her stop tell me what to do Im 50s. Dont think people realise taking on elderly its years of this crap

Late to the thread but totally agree with you @enoughbananas- I live a day’s travel away from my DM and spend a few weeks a year staying with her. This enables my siblings, who live nearer to her, to have a break. But it doesn’t really work as one of my siblings is currently saying she can’t maintain the level of support she’s been doing (fair enough). I also find that after a week of being with my DM, I find it difficult to reconnect with my DH. The repercussions are huge.

I think this is the problem we face rather being the solution - mil lives too close to sil and depends on her too much, has her running around in circles, tending to her overnight etc sil never feels like she gets a break and it has created an unbearable situation for the whole family.

My DM is the opposite and would likely end up sitting in her annex feeling sorry for herself and “enduring the silence”.
I love my mum but have come to realise there is a degree of emotional manipulation which means some physical distance between us is a good thing.

It’s hard when they become incredibly selfish - we say no to mil when it’s enough, sil never says no and she gets annoyed at us for saying no - the whole thing is a shit show. On the other hand my mother was always selfish so we had no qualms (or guilt) about putting her in a home - and she has had to learn to be nice because when she’s rude to the care staff they won’t speak to her, she’s finally learned that she has to be polite to people!

My mum is in a care home. They are very kind there and she has made a good friend, with a similar level of senility. She was not a selfish woman at all, but she became selfish and demanding when she got very old. I was not willing to give up my life to look after her and I had become irritating to her anyway! She was furious when I insisted she went in a home "temporarily" during a period of ill health. But she is happy there now and will probably live to 105, so thank God for that. It will use up all the value of her house but it's worth it. I have my state pension and my freedom.