My dad is making me miserable

“on boxing day he decided to go after my DH. He doesn't see it as a big deal because he's used to being able to talk to people how he wants and they put up with it. But DH refused.”

OP, how dare your DF “go after” your DH when he’s a guest in your house? My own DH is extremely long suffering but I know he wouldn’t put up with that for a minute, and rather than leaving, as your DH did, I rather suspect he would tell DF that he had to leave. Your DF has got away with his bully boy tactics because he’s never been challenged on it, and good for your DH, not putting up with this sort of rubbish. Your DF is a fool, because he needs you and your DH far more than you need him, and in alienating your husband, he is alienating you, whether he thinks he is or not. If you don’t need to see DF until the family wedding in August, then just forget about him - and at the wedding, there will be many other family members for you to see, and I assume even DF wouldn’t be so gauche as to be rude at somebody else’s wedding? I’d stop making so much of an effort with your DF - it’s clearly costing you more than him - and avoid having him to your house any more. It’s not OK for your father to goad your husband in his own house, and there’s no earthly reason why your DH should put up with it.

You do not have to put up with behaviour like this and when you decide you won’t it is so liberating. It took my father upsetting my young children to bring me to my senses. I had a lifetime of him upsetting me but he was not going to upset my children.
OP, I am with your husband.

What on earth did your Dad say to make your DH so angry? Seems like such a huge step to say you'll never reconcile.

Great advice. I do this with my father. The minute he starts ranting about something I listen and don’t respond at all and when he’s finished I just change the subject. Takes all the wind out of his sales. It works , it’s just I have to do it several times every single time I see him as he doesn’t seem to get the message.

Tell him to be quiet and that you will not discuss it anymore.
So what? If Dad’s not nice, what does he add to your life. This man has never been told “no”. And now your DH has, because of your Dad’s behaviour.
Please stand up for your DH. Do not allow your dad to punish you. You are the grown up now. Let your Dad have his tantrum when you stand firm.

Good for you! Your DH is absolutely right. Nobody needs to tolerate abuse or bullying behaviours because elderly or family. I just wouldn’t get involved. And I would take a leaf out of your DH’s book if I were you. It sounds like your father has been enabled to be unpleasant for too many years. And maybe he’s getting the wake-up call he needs before it’s too late?

Learning as much as you can about FOG and topic family dynamics is really helpful as it gives you insights you may not have recognised and gives you the language to name the behaviours.

Do look up Dr Ramani on YouTube. She is very good.

I think you need to take some time, ideally between now and the wedding to decide where you are comfortable and be prepared to review that and make changes as and when necessary according to DF behaviour.

He's not going to get any easier to deal with, and is likely to get far worse. There is no better time to state your position clearly, why you've come to that conclusion and stick to it. There's no amount of making yourself smaller or more agreeable that will change his behaviour and you will disappear down the crack between your DH and your DF if you let yourself. Center yourself. Stick to that.

This is absolutely true and a really good way to handle things but I think the first step of much, much lower contact needs to come at the same time as the support and understanding from her partner.

It’s a pity that it’s taken your father 75 years to learn the all-important life lesson that actions have consequences. I admire your DH’s boundaries. Please respect them.

You're going to have to find a way to navigate this that doesn't centre anyone other than yourself.

You're dealing with two entrenched men, neither of whom is willing to budge.

My advice would be to remove yourself from the web. Drop the rope. Tell them both that you're out and you will not engage any further.

It's the only way to break the pattern and remove yourself from the triangulation.

It's not easy. It takes cast-iron boundaries and a solid resolve.

Work on your own emotional resilience. Us women are deeply conditioned to feel guilt for not doing what is expected of us. You have to lean to deal with that by reminding yourself, indeed teaching yourself, to refuse that guilt.

Your father is not the king of the universe. He is an ageing man who is now seeing the results of his behaviour and he doesn't like it. Well, tough shit. Not your responsibility.

You might benefit from some counselling to help you free yourself of the FOG.

Put yourself first. Nobody has the right to rob you of your own peace and happiness. You deserve it.

Unless it is a very close relative skip the family wedding, just find any excuse. It is too soon after this latest standoff. And well done to your DH for taking a stand. Fortunately you have siblings so the burden of dealing with DF as he ages will not all fall on you. Unpleasant difficult people generally get worse as they get older so you really need to distance yourself, it might be another 20+ years.

I was so glad to read this bit because I was wondering about your siblings. Seems to me that what you need from them is to know that THEY know it’s not you - that when he starts triangulating, you know that they won’t take his side against you. From what you said that’s not going to happen - he’s their dad too, they must know what he’s like. While it’s true that every sibling had a different set of parents, I doubt your dad had it in him to be sweetness and light to any of you! So perhaps this is the reassurance you need to seek from them - that whatever he says, they know it’s him. Not you. And I would suggest that you think about accessing therapy. I had to do that because I just couldn’t get my thoughts straight, as you say my seven year old self was still underpinning my thought processes and I couldn’t see clearly. It only took two sessions, best money I ever spent on anything. I thought it would go on forever and cost a fortune, but not so. Sending strength. And a double of whatever you drink!

I've been non contact for over 10 years now for similar reasons, but my mother. Father was the enabler and died at 80. For your own sake you need to get a grip of this, I kept hoping it would be resolved by my mother dying but she is going strong at 95.

Good luck!

For your sake can your DH not just sit in a room occasionally with his FIL have a cup of tea just be civil.

myself and my dp both have dreadful toxic families. We are low or no contact with everyone. But over the decades depending on what’s going on the other one will support the person who is seeing their family. Each of us needs that support to be able to get through it.

Over the years just off the top of my head for my DP I’ve stood on a pavement outside a parents house as I wasn’t allowed in, I’ve sat in a room whilst blanked for five hours at least ten times, I’ve been insulted to my face and behind my back, I’ve tolerated one of their parents repeatedly drunk, I have helped one of their parents with an abusive partner, we’ve had a parent live with us. oh and I tried to tolerate comments about me being a single parent and my past but in the end I did have to voice my opinion on that topic as it went too far.

I did all of that for my DP as it’s not his fault. And my family are different and been spectacularly awful to me it’s just aimed at me when he’s with me not him so a little easier.

The point being we get each other through.

All you need to agree with your siblings is that they understand you’re doing your best, given that he’s manipulative and volatile.
You want them to tell you it’s ok, they won’t get angry with you. A sibling reminder that you’re all on the same side.

I could have written your post too. Mum died a year ago and it's become apparent that she did an awful lot of covering for my dad's terrible behaviour. After his last outburst, I've gone NC to save my own sanity. My brother calls him once a week to establish that he's still alive but refuses to engage any further than that. Actions have consequences, and he's going to be a very isolated and lonely man as there is nobody left who will put up with him (he's got one sister left and she cut him out about 20 years ago after their parents died).

Dad will never acknowledge that he's in the wrong and I can't change that. He has been mean and manipulative all my life, and it's taken me this long to realise what a toll it has taken.

Grey rock is the way to go.

I would add that you are not responsible for your husbands feelings/behaviour. It's not up to you to fix anything. Their feelings towards each other are between the two of them.

@RoseField1 I had CBT to help with my similar issue- it really helped me to set boundaries.