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Elderly parents
Original poster

How should we talk to elderly mum about staying in care?

32 replies

unbuttonedowl · 31/05/2026 06:43

My DM moved into aged care a couple of months ago. She was hallucinating and wandering at home, had a fall and it became clear she was no longer able to live at home. She now asks constantly to come home, is agitated and furious at the doctors, wants us to speak them them etc. It is clear she can't live at home without round the clock care as she can no longer walk.

Is it kinder to tell her that we are looking into bringing her home and working on adapting the house etc, or do we avoid the question, or do we say to her - this is your home now, this is where you live?

It's so hard to know what is kinder because she has limited memory and understanding and really hates what her life now is (and I don't blame her) but at the same time, is it stopping her from settling there if she thinks she's leaving in a day or two? The home has made it clear to us that she won't be coming home, even for palliative care, which I found quite confronting and may push back on when the time comes (but again, have no idea if that's the right decision or would be for our benefit and not hers.)

OP posts:
TinyMouseTheatre · 31/05/2026 07:25

With my DMIL I used to say “shall we catch the bus in the morning?”. She had travelled by bus for most of her life so this was familiar to her, I would then change the subject. DM was content because she hadn’t been challenged and luckily, was very easy to distract afterwards.

Usually when people lose cognition they can often ask to go home. It is often the sense of comfort and security that they crave though rather than the home or people.

My DMIL asked to go home regularly but had forgotten the home that she’d lived in for 50 years and raised her family. In fact before she left she had thought she was in a holiday home.

So phrases like “we’ll see about catching the bus tomorrow” or “we’ll talk to the Doctors tomorrow” .

The Alzheimer’s Society has some useful information here on how to deal with requests to go home.

It is a big adjustment for all of you. Keep talking to the staff to see how your DM is. They should be used to getting residents to settle. It can take time too. My DU who has full cognition and chose to go into a home took a good 6 weeks to settle.

FinallyHere · 31/05/2026 07:23

one thought to hold on to, is that the ‘home’ they want to return to is a combination of a physical location alongside the better health and capability they used to have when they lived independently.

it’s hard on the person, also hard on their loved ones. We kept to the ‘just need to build you up a bit so you are ready to go home’ line.

It reminded me of all those carrots I agreed to eat so that my hair would grow curly , or straight or whatever.

TeenToTwenties · 31/05/2026 07:15

I would go for empathy.
I know you would prefer to be at home, but you just aren't well enough at the moment, so you need to be here with the doctors and carers.

Original poster
unbuttonedowl · 31/05/2026 07:09

Viviennemary · 31/05/2026 06:55

Maybe that particular care home isn't the one for her. Is changing care homes an option. But it's very common for elderly people to keep asking when they're coming home even when its just not feasible for them to live at home. Seems the best answer is you aren't ready to come home yet. Rather then say
you're never coming home. I don't think I'd say we're looking into adapting the house. I wouldn't be happy about the home laying down the law about what happens to her.

I don't know that changing homes is feasible at this point, she's only just gone in there and it's been a huge change for my dad. The care is good and so is the food, she is doing well and has put on weight. But we will see what happens. I feel like the agitation is part of the dementia too and will never resolve at this point. We are more or less saying we'll talk to the doctors, she's still recovering from the fall, give it a little longer. It's reassuring to hear that other people took that approach rather than the bleak truth which is that she's not going to go home.

OP posts:
thisoldcity · 31/05/2026 07:04

With my friend's mum in a similar situation her family told her she wasn't well enough and needed the nurses to look after her. She had been in hospital after a fall so it was framed that this was a continuation of that care after her fall and she needed to be looked after as she wasn't well enough. It was true. The home looked after her well and we all boosted that by saying how nice it was, how the food was beautifully done, weren't the staff nice, etc.

Viviennemary · 31/05/2026 06:55

Maybe that particular care home isn't the one for her. Is changing care homes an option. But it's very common for elderly people to keep asking when they're coming home even when its just not feasible for them to live at home. Seems the best answer is you aren't ready to come home yet. Rather then say
you're never coming home. I don't think I'd say we're looking into adapting the house. I wouldn't be happy about the home laying down the law about what happens to her.

TheTealHiker · 31/05/2026 06:48

If your mum has limited memory and understanding I would just keep telling her that she can see the doctors next week and talk about it then.
I know several elderly people who are in residential care and they tell me quite regularly that they are "going home next week". One even has her suitcase packed ready (it has been for 6 months)

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