AIBU to step back if my elderly MIL refuses basic hygiene?

When you register her with the GP, let them know what is going on and they can let her know the health issues she is creating

Given that she's now in a flat, she may be less incontinent because she'll be better able to get to a toilet. Worth thinking about grab bars around the toilet and position of the toilet paper and space for her to bring her walker into the bathroom.

Washing becomes less of a problem if she's managing to get to a toilet nearly all of the time. She's from a generation where baths were weekly. So don't force showering over baths / strip washes - but do show her how to operate the shower controls - she may not be able to see well or may muddle the temperature control and on/off knob. Also check with her and show her that the bathroom floor isn't slippery when the shower has been used. She may be terrified of falling.

She may be wanting to sleep in a chair because she doesn't feel confident she can get in and out of a normal bed unaided or because it lets her sleep a bit more upright and that helps her breathe more comfortably. Bars she can grab to help her get in and out of bed may help. Things like easy move sheets may help her turn herself in bed. But she may be at a point where thing that would really help is a hospital style profiling bed.

Once she has a GP they should be able to refer to Occupational Therapy / a frailty team / balance classes / District nurses / continence services.

But that's up to her - I know you are being caring but it can get a bit all consuming. it's probably time to step back and let the cards fall as they may and wait for the crisis to happen. So no you are not being unreasonable. leave it with your husband and get him to refer to adult social care.

You’ve gone above and beyond - leave it to H and SIL - concentrate on your son.

You are doing an incredible job and have the patience of a saint. Now she is in your house, she needs to understand that she should adhere to your (very reasonable) rules. Ie: daily washing. I would bin (burn) any old furniture, clothes etc that are unhygienic too. You should definitely get drop in care too, so that everything isn't falling on your shoulders.

Op have you set up an incontinence pad collection service? The local health authority can do this, and they will also supply pads if you are lucky.

Been there. When my mum was still living at home by herself we had carers coming in 2/3 times a day plus me and my sister went up every day - carers always complained because my mum refused personal care and to tell the truth really stunk!!! I was mainly cleaning when I went up and one time she clogged her toilet when one of her adult nappy s fell off down the loo!!! Had to wait in for plumber. Plus she didn't really clean her dishes properly so they ended up with old food stains etc on them. Just do what you can when you see her.

I often used to wonder how the care home managed it! Once she was there, Dm was always in clean clothes, with nice clean hair. All the residents were much the same. It’s possible that the carers’ uniforms made them look more like nurses, which I’m sure would have made my DM more compliant.

I found it almost impossible to get my formerly very fastidious DM (dementia) to have a shower and wash her hair, or to change out of grubby clothes. She’d almost invariably say she couldn’t be bothered, and would get tearful and/or angry if I pushed it, and I just couldn’t face the hassle.

However my sister, who lived much further away and so visited a lot less often, was able to be a lot tougher with her: ‘You NEED a shower - you smell!’
(She did - her hair had that horrible unwashed smell, too.).

She would cry and act like the victim of extreme cruelty, but it was soon forgotten and I’m sure she must have felt better afterwards.
Luckily she had a brilliant cleaning lady, so the house was fine.

My FiL (also dementia) lived with us for several months, I could never get him to bath or shower either, though he’d occasionally do it for dh, but dh was often away for a couple of weeks at a time. I didn’t dare push it with him, since he was apt to fly into truly terrifying rages - I had to tiptoe around him on eggshells.

I did manage to get him to wear clean clothes, though - but only by waiting until he went to the bathroom first thing, zooming in with a clean set, and taking away the others. He never noticed!

Dementia is an absolute buggering bastard!!!

…..he stood up to him and said that if he wouldn't accept the Carers he was on his own.

Did that work? Or was it a horrible time and he doesn’t want a repetition of that?

You can do that to his mum though. Social services/GP will take over if the family have no input. They won’t just look at her sitting in urine and say ‘oh well, never mind, she doesn’t want us to do anything’. They will be looking at skin, mobility, carers, cleaner and so on.

Step back. You have gone above and beyond, and it's time for you to prioritise your own health and that of your son.

I might have one last blunt-to-the-extreme attempt (Ethel you stink, you need to wash and stop pissing on the chair) but only because I'd be happy never to see her again. Probably I wouldn't do that, I'd just - step back and never visit her stinky flat, ever.

I’m sure she would make a fuss but then get over it. I’d tell your DH he needs to do it for her health and just get it done. I’d also refuse to go round to do anything unless stuff like that is sorted.

Agree with this ⬆️.

Your son and his need for an infection free environment is your priority.

As long as someone (doesn’t matter who) has made it clear to the GP what’s going on then you can safely step back.

@zacsGranny while your husband was abroad and you were overseeing the care of his father, was he supporting you in any way?

If she is not capable of taking care of herself, I would involve Adult Social Care whether she goes ballistic or not. Ultimately it's going to be down to your husband as her next of kin. If you need to step back to safeguard your son's health, your husband will have to step up. If your MIL cannot see how living in such unhygienic conditions is detrimental to her health, she will likely end up with an infection and hospitalised. You can then make the case that she is unsafe to return home and needs a care home.

She can sit on puppy pads, they will help keep the new chair clean. Sometimes they’re called Conti sheets.

Your husband can buy those and sort them. Unless that’s too difficult for him, poor little poppet.

I have looked after…..FIL who had dementia

FFS so they left their dad for you to deal with too?

Is there anything your husband and his sister can do?

She must stand up at some point in the day. I genuinely would just wait until she stood up and then lift the chair up and take it out of the house. She’s in cognitive decline and if you can’t reason with her, just remove the chair. It’s what would happen in a care home. If she doesn’t want to talk to you afterwards, then she doesn’t want to talk to you. Removing the chair by force is the kind thing to do. I know you say DH doesn’t like talking but removing the chair doesn’t involve a conversation