When they never wanted to go into a home…

My mum had to go into a care home against her will, using POA - it broke my heart - but we just couldn’t provide the care needed.

The care was exemplary (self-funding) and she thought she was in a hotel.

Her last days (around 12 weeks) were made as full & comfortable as possible. We knew she was safe and cared for. We could be daughters again, not carers.

But it’s still heartbreaking. Hope all goes well, OP

We had this with my Nan, she had suffered a fall and wasn’t well enough/safe enough to return home. She received 2 weeks fully funded rehabilitation care at a 5* care home around 15 miles from us. It wasn’t ideal, and she was furious at us all for having to go. But you know what, it was the best thing for her. She received 3 meals a day, started to interact with other people outside her circle for the first time in years (albeit they would have the same conversations over and over), and she didn’t want to come home. I’m assuming this won’t be the case for your grandad, but don’t assume all care homes are horrible places. My Nan had the same thoughts and wishes as your grandad but he may think differently once he is there. Just make sure you go visit, help him settle, and perhaps bring some familiar things from home to make things a little more comfortable.

He has Alzheimer's so what 'home' is will already be fragmented for him.
When my grandmother wanted to leave care and go home she meant to her mother and childhood home. If she'd gone to her own home she'd have been completely bewildered by it.

In these situations it's common to go in 'just for respite or for some extra support while you recover'. And really they never ask to leave (or not to leave to reality). I'm sure he'll settle really well. Treat it more as a change of hospital for him - because at this stage that's really what it is.

DF didn’t want to go into a home, but now he is there ( discharge from hospital was to a nursing facility only not allowed home) he seems to quite like it. He gets meals, goes on some of the activities and DH,DS and I are able to see him as visitors rather than trying to sort out a million and one things in their home with a one hour drive either way.
Sometimes he says that he never thought he would end up in a home, but it’s not a bad way to spend his last period. So I think for many it’s the thought of going into a care home rather than the actual reality that they struggle to handle.
Its hard, but in a way it’s good that it wasn’t your decision and you have no choice.

I heard my MIL say many times, " I'll kill myself before I go into a home." The reality was she declined to the point where she couldn't use a toilet unaided and she wanted someone with her to help all day, having carers in 3 times a day wasn't enough and she decided we had to organise a residential home for her. It was a bit stressful as it was the Christmas period and she wanted it immediately. We managed to get it organised within a fortnight and she spent her last year living there comfortably.
None of us know how we will feel as our health, both physical and mental declines so what we say when healthy is not necessarily how we might feel when the times comes. I hope it all goes well making the arrangements you need to.

So sorry for him and for your predicament. Can you try to bring as many of his "homely" possessions to his care home room as feasible? A favourite chair or pillows or whatever? Anything to make him feel in a space where he "belongs" rather than an institution. Ask the care home what things like this can be placed in his room.

I think many people's mental image of 'going into a home' is based on what homes were like for their parents' or grandparents' generation. My grandmother's cousin was terrified by the idea of residential care, because for her it meant the workhouse infirmary. That has fortunately faded from anyone's living memory these days, but many wtill have only seen the older style of 'park in an armchair and wait to die' home. Most places are better than than now, but unless you've had reason to visit one you wouldn't necessarily know that.

And people underestimate their needs and overestimate their abilities.

Often a short stint of respite care completely changes their minds.

Sorry to hear that.

He probably didn't want to end up in hospital either if he really thought about it though.

Hospitals are horrible places to be, full of norovirus and c-diff and really unwell people. Bright lights and noises 24 hours a day, people in pain and distressed and their families worried. Thin not sound proof curtains offering only the barest of illusions of privacy and dignity.

Care homes get a bad rep but in my experience they tend to be pretty good at the end of life stuff. Usually a nice quiet room, you can bring in the things and people that are important, and visiting hours are rarely anywhere near as controlled as a hospital ward. If he is end of life CHC funded it will most likely be a nursing home with qualified nurses on site to manage pain and all other needs too.

Pick the one that meets your needs best as his family for visiting etc. A decent care home manager will be happy to discuss on the phone what their policies are etc around visiting and the CQC website can give you a flavour of if there are serious concerns or not.

It’s so hard isn’t it.

But the main thing is that they are safe and cared for. And often this involves a level of care that is just not possible at home

I think if your grandfather knew what staying at home would mean with his current limitations he would be ok with the home option. Remember he said that when he was capable of looking after himself.