Care homes make me think people never die

Her life would have been five years shorter, but her last five years were not pleasant. I would not have allowed my dog to endure three weeks of such frailty.

My DMIL was a qualified nurse, SRN at the Middlesex, Mortimer Street, London W1 in the 1950s. Nowadays, any school would have sent her straight to a university medical school. She was clever and interested all her life in medicine. And after 30 years in nursing, her personal view was that she would prefer to choose her own exit plan. She asked me to take her to Dignitas, while she was still lucid. I agreed. But dementia is quite stealthy and steals up until the moment of judgement while still competent to decide. Very very sadly, she missed the window. I would have taken her, eaten a last dinner, and we would have laughed our heads off, and cried too. But I would have helped her have the smooth exit she wanted. I am ashamed that I let my DH/her son stymie her wishes.

I may be a very odd person, but imo we should all be able to choose how we die.

They're not opinions, they are relating real life experiences

Agree.

I agree. You see endless posters on here who have instructed their children to just dump them in a care home and not bother or for their kids not to care for them or they are somehow going to kill themselves before they become a burden (though don't actually specify "when" this and almost never happens).

If you've done a decent job of raising your kids to be decent human beings and they've had a loving upbringing, then the reality is they will be involved somehow in your care. Some parents think they can somehow create an environment where their child goes through life without ever facing stresses or hardship, but you can't. That's not real life.

I know no one (or most people don't) have kids to care for them or provide them with company in old age. And most of us will do what we can to mitigate whatever we can (conversations, wills, financial aspects etc) But the reality is, most children have deep attachments to their parents and don't just turn their back on their parents when they are elderly and vulnerable. Yes of course there are people who have genuine reasons and their own circumstances.

And to be honest I will do everyone I can to mitigate what I can for my children. But there is a lot of things that are out of my control and if I do end up frail and vulnerable, I would hope that they would be there for me. I would never expect them to do any physical aspects of care but I would hope they would advocate for me if I needed it and visit occasionally. I certainly hope that I've brought them up well enough and with enough love they wouldn't turn their back on vulnerable family members.

DH and I have lost both our mums in the last few years, but only one had a good death.

DMIL94, an SRN by training, and a committed supporter of assisted dying by conviction, lingered for eight or nine years in failing health with vascular dementia, first at home and later in care. Then she fell out of bed, fractured her femur and was hospitalised on an acute geriatric trauma ward for six weeks, after which the doctors said they had done everything possible and returned her to her care home, a stone lighter, where she died six hours later.

My DM89 spent her last Saturday dealing with ants' nests in her yard and probably got a bit dehydrated. She was at home quietly on Sunday but in good spirits. I talked to her for 40 minutes on the phone, and my sister visited in the morning and evening. At bedtime, she went upstairs, cleaned her teeth and put her hearing aids in their case to recharge, slipped into bed, and away.

Horrible for my sister to find her in the morning of course, but otherwise, the exit we would all like.

100% exactly this! ^ Thank you too. 💞

Thank so much for this post @smallglassbottle , and thank you for all the work you did as a nurse. 💞

So what?

You're so welcome. There is such a lack of empathy from a few people on here. It's quite shocking actually.

@Hallamule Dementia isn’t always diagnosed in the early stages. Although it was very obvious to me from my Mum’s score on the ACE test she was initially diagnosed with Mild Cognitive Impairment. I think that was offered as a sweetener as she deteriorated significantly in the next six months and then was given a diagnosis of Alzheimer’s. Mum still had a lot of insight at that stage but sadly believed that the medication she was given to slow the progression would prevent things from getting any worse. Maybe that’s what the clinicians told her - who knows.

Many people in the early stages of dementia have no insight whatsoever and then it’s too late to do anything about it.

It’s commendable that you’ve made an Advanced Directive but stating that you don’t want Covid or flu vaccines post diagnosis may not hold water if you’ve accepted them in the past.

Could you have said no to the antibiotics?

It's all on this thread. That said, unless you sign up on Mumsnet with a fee, you can't access other posters' threads.

What you’re seeing here are the thoughts of those who are spending often many years of watching an elderly relative with negligible or zero quality of life being kept going through medication and other “assistance”. These thoughts are poorly understood by those who have no idea how utterly miserable a lengthy frail old age can be, and this board provides a rare space to share with others who understand.

As has already been clarified, this is not about assisted dying. It’s about the problem of prolonging misery.

I'm a Christian and don't agree with assisted dying and what other people are writing is accurate. I was a qualified nurse in elderly care for almost 30 years and quit my career due to what I experienced and was forced to be involved in. Forcing frail, sick, elderly people to remain alive at all costs is barbaric and I could no longer agree or cope with these practices.

This isn't an agenda, it's real life unfortunately. I'm still opposed to assisted dying, but I do oppose forced existence when nature should be allowed to take its course.

Dementia runs rife through my family. My father died of Alzhiemers and my FiL has vascular dementia so I have perhaps more experience of it than you credit me for. Dementia doesnt just appear overnight and can be diagnosed early if you know what you're looking for.
Once diagnosed with dementia I intend to quietly end my life and the plans for this are already made and agreed w my loved ones. I also have made a living will stating no antibiotics, heart meds or vaccinations for flu or covid post diagnosis (belt and braces). Given that I'm immunosuppressed that will see me gone within a 12 month, so unless my husband and kids actively go against my wishes then there'll ll be nothing for them to deal with. Until then though I intend be living full and happy life assisted by medical science.

It's probably worth emphasising to all those worried about caring responsibilities for family members that these are entirely voluntary. No law says you have to lift a finger, or visit the care home.

It's not your opinion. It's the sheer deluge of opinions, all pretty one-sided.