Care homes make me think people never die

Really interesting and sad and true, OP. We've recently suffered a very sudden and shocking bereavement, but what gives me massive comfort is this person was spared a slow and wretched decline. Worse for us to have them die this eay, far better for them. What worries me now is how the surviving spouse (eats a terrible diet but insists cake is "good for you", does no meaningful exercise) is going to cope and how things will pan out for them. I was already doing 15 mins of weights a day and various other things, am going in much harder now!

My relative lived 8yrs in her care home. There were about 25 residents, and I’d estimate about 10 of them were there when she moved in and when she ‘moved out’. Statistics can be manipulated to say what ever you want, there are two camps with this - those that move in when they’re very ill and don't last long and the others live there for years on end, thats why the average is 2yrs. Some are there only days/weeks versus years and years.

I hope I drop dead in my own home, having seen extreme old age up close, I can’t see much to recommend it!

My DM’s excellent care home, had a very nice level garden, with handrails everywhere, which sufficiently mobile residents were free to use. There was also an enclosed ‘sun trap’ outside space, where those who wanted to could sit out on warm enough days.

Having said that, my formerly keen gardener DM never showed the slightest sign of wanting to be out of doors - a feature of dementia, I suppose.

My aunt has a DNA in place and a stated desire not to go to hospital but she never quite gets to that stage. She recently had a chest infection and 111 sent paramedics who sorted antibiotics for her. Three young men in uniform brightened her day though😆. Doesn’t know who we are but was happy to see them.

Your observations are not reflective of the stats. The average time in a care home is 2 years. So your original thinking that its a relatively brief period prior to the end of life is the correct one. The home you visit must be sonething of an anomaly if it has multiple highly incapacitated very long term residents.

It always fascinates me that we are “allowed” to choose when life begins as we can use contraception and sometimes even a date of birth, but we can’t choose when to end life, even when the person is suffering. Animals are not allowed to suffer, but humans are.
Obviously there would need to be strict restrictions on any of it, but having seen people at the end of life I think knowing you had a choice even if you may not choose to use it would be a comfort.

My nanna lived for 8 years in a nursing home. It was brutal and no life. She just couldn’t/wouldn’t go. When she finally did go we were all relieved. Far better to just die one day in your 80s.

@OrdinaryGirl same - my mum is late 70's and has basically taken to a chair and decided she will see out her days sedentary.

After a fall she got some physio sessions and free pilates for 3 months - she did it all and then just gave up. I really cannot understand why she has chosen this. She will not listen at all.

I think that people in care homes should be allowed to wander about, in the garden etc But as it stands if a care home has outbreaks of infectious illnesses, has patients falling and getting g serious fractures they are considered bad care homes. Uncaring.

I think we should be able to write a wish list for the care homes eg I wish to spend sunny afternoons in the garden.i do not want antibiotics if I have Alzheimer’s.

The residents are wrapped in cotton wool, mushy food, no going far on their own so the fractures or falls which would hasten their end doesn’t happen.

@OldJohn that’s what my friend and his wife agreed, but when it got to the point where even two live in carers weren’t enough to deal with him, he had to be transferred to a nursing home.

This is a very common scenario.

My mother and MIL lived into their 90s and they both lived 10 years too long. MIL had Parkinsons and her decline was hideous, but she kept on going - crying every day, saying she'd had enough. My mother had lots of health issues, diabetes, atrial fibrillation, thyroid issues, osteoporosis etc etc and was bedbound in a care home. She used to say "Why me, why have I lived so long? I should have gone years ago." and I used to think to myself "Well if you didn't take the cocktail of drugs you have every day, and if you hadn't had a pacemaker fitted when you were already struggling healthwise, then you would have gone years ago."

I listened to an interview with Ben Elton about his life, and he said the biggest mistake he ever made was encouraging his 80+ year old father to have life saving heart surgery, as the remaining years of his life were a misery. In past times his heart issue would have meant the end, but modern medicine just patches everyone up and keeps them going in an ever worsening state of decrepitude.

I sincerely hope assisted dying is readily available when I have lost all enjoyment for life.

@Vcal2017 Im so sorry to read that. Nobody deserves to go through that.

There was an interesting article in the Guardian recently about how we are prolonging lives due to ‘breakthroughs’ in science that basically can lead to what you’ve described: elderly people spending all day watching TV in care homes, listless, multiple health issues, many of them probably wishing someone would put them out of their misery. But medication is just keeping them ticking along when previous generations would have died from some of the diseases our elderly spend years and years ‘living’ with.

There is a cynical part of me that thinks there is money to be made in prolonging elderly people’s suffering though.

I know it's awful to see. My Mil is 87, and is completely immobile and has no quality of life. She has multiple carer visits a day, and her whole existence is sitting in her chair all day, watching tv, having food brought to her, having her nappy changed, put to bed in the evening.

I won't be the same burden to my children.
Ive lost weight, started taking care of my health in general and exercising every day.

It didn't used to be like this.

Both my parents wrote letters to the family doctor, got them stamped by a solicitor to confirm sound mind, and filed them for future. Dad insisted no treatment once in a home and he lasted 7 weeks (died peacefully from pneumonia) and Mum decided against chemo and was gone within 3 months. Both mid 70s, which seems young, but both swinging from chandeliers 6 months before they died, fiercely independent, loving life.

I am so sorry to hear about your poor dad. I think cases like this demonstrate the absolute necessity for euthanasia. Our society is pretty barbaric.

Totally with you on that

My Dad is in Year 5 of ‘living’ in a care home with Altzheimers. Most of the time I just rage internally. He’s lost mobility, speaks but can’t be understood, is clearly terrified but can’t say what about, falls often and has to wear hip protectors and head protection. He wears a nappy, and can’t tell us if he’s in pain or not. He used to be a university lecturer in his real life. While it’s a cruel disease it’s also a cruel, unsophisticated system. Why can’t we have a more nuanced conversation about life and death?

It’s all a society issue , before elderly would be kept at home , active and able bodied , because the norm would be their children would all help . As society changed many don’t live closer to parents and grandparents, many need to work until later , many can’t be bothered , many cannot afford to help , often there is only 1 child so no siblings to help . Society is , for lack of better word , broken . We all struggle to an extend with work and daily life , those of us who have more than 1 or 2 kids struggle even more , most of my friends see their older parents as a burden , not many would help them or move them in with them as a example .

Yes, this was my parents a year ago, fully independent and active, only help was a gardener. We thought they'd live out thier days at home, LPAs were in place, stairlift installed etc. Now Dad is completely immobile but compos mentis in a home (4 care visits a day would not have been enough and their house not suitable for his needs despite stairlift etc). Mum is starting dementia (I think) and is miserable at home alone and spends most of her day at the care home with Dad.

DH granny went on like this. Horrific for all concerned, most of all her. She was blind, deaf, being fed puree, bed bound, bleed on brain, the whole 9 yards of hell. The poor woman lived more than 15 years in this state. Absolutely shocking. It’s far, far better to die late 70s without too protracted a period of suffering. I worshipped my mum and cared for her 24/7 but I begged God and spirits to let her die because her cancer began to absolutely savagely wreck her body and life. She did die quite quickly after the cancer got bad, in a hospice in comfort.

As well as those living in a bad state in care homes, we have lots living in awful states at home. Lonely and broken both physically and mentally. Our society is uncivilised IMO and we need euthanasia. I fully intend to fly to dignitas if I’m terminal and able to do so. The suffering that the human body can tolerate is utterly horrific.

My mum lived in her own home . The last 20 years on her own. She died at 93 - the day before she had gone up to town on a bus for her usual shopping and tea and cake. miss her

I actually think those stats are quite out of date. I know they used to be true. Do you have any dates for them?

My aunt is in a care home. She is 96, has dementia and can no longer weight bare so has to be hoisted in and out of bed, chairs etc. she is very well cared for which is both good and expensive . She gets regular chest infections but always bounces back. I am beginning to think she is going to last for years yet. I do hope that she leaves us before her money runs out and she ends up back in the dire care home she was in previously. I suppose though she probably won’t realise by then anyway. I love my aunt but thanks to the dementia, she’s largely gone as the person I love.

@rockrollerpudi completely agree with you. Years of just not being dead, rather than being alive. What’s the answer though ? Euthanasia- for people who are unable to consent or otherwise? It’s a nightmare.