Too young for a care home?

I'd up the carers if possible and wait a bit longer but, ultimately, the decision is your mum's, she is the one who lives with him all the time.

It's very sad. I am 76 and have made plans to barricade myself in at the first hint of care home. I need a toy armoury all of which looks realistic and scary and will deter visitors, any suggestions?

Showtime for 'strangers' is a very real phenomenon (and 'stranger' can include even the closest family members if they don't actually live in the same house).

My stepdad had dementia and I used to visit for a week at a time because I live at quite a distance. His daughters who lived closer would pop in much more frequently but only for an hour or 2 at a time. For them he could keep up a front for the duration of the visit, so they very rarely saw the reality. For me, the first time I visited after it really took hold he kept showtime going for the first 4 days; the next time about a month later it lasted less than 2 days; and at each subsequent visit it got shorter until it was down to just an hour or so after arrival.

Has your mum got any outside support?
Admiral nurses? Age UK? Had a carers assessment? She is eligible for this even if yr dad is self funding.
If he lacks the mental capacity to make the decision to move them yr mum would still need to be acting in his best interests, and in the least restrictive way. This usually means upping care at home including assistive technology, respite might form a part of this.

Respite care also gives the person a chance to see what residential care could be like and may alter their view.

The above organizations can give more detailed, nuanced advice.

It would potentially be worth your mum speaking with the OPG if yr dad lacks capacity, re what needs to happen which could really depend on his level of resistance, for example how would he actually get to any home in the first place?

It sounds very stressful for everyone. I hope you are looking after yourself too.
I hope this makes sense, sorry if garbled, I'm quite tired but you must be worried to be posting this late at night

My DM is in the early stages of dementia, I visit her every day. She knows who I am but it is still relentless and emotionally draining.

My DF also had it early stage but the cancer killed him before the dementia did. They lived further away then so I only saw them every few weeks, he always put a front on when I visited so I never really saw how bad he was until near the end. Now I realise what my DM had to put up with

My DM is much better with my DH than she is with me. Spending every day with a loved one with dementia can be horrendous

The house is not part of financial assessment. Nor are any savings or other assets in your mum's name, and only half of any in joint names.

Age isn't really relevant, but stage of dementia is.

Respite or day centres are probably the first thing to try at the moment.

The thing about council funding is that if they don’t think he needs to be in a care home and could manage at home with carers then theoretically they could refuse funding when the time comes. If they are managing ok with just a couple of carers a week he’s probably a long way from needing residential care. How long would their £ last if paying privately at £1500 or so a week?

Yr dad needs to want to go.
Even if he lacks capacity and yr mum has legal powers it will potentially mean an application to the court of protection if he doesn't.
Would respite care be a compromise?
Day service an option?

You need to go with what your mum wants, she’s the one dealing with the brunt of it.

How old is your mum?

I know you're doing what you can and it sounds like you're doing a lot, but you're not the one living with grinding reality of it day in, day out, with the only breaks coming according to someone else's schedule. If the marriage was already strained the caring must be hell for her. So when you talk about what "we" can do to manage better at home you're really talking about what she can do.

It's a shit situation but ultimately if your mum feels it's getting beyond her, and despite the financial risks associated with it, it has to be her decision unless you're going to have your dad move in with you.