Too young for a care home?

That sounds like a good plan OP.

Of course you can't give up your job, I doubt anyone would expect that and I am sure you are doing all you can. It has been made more difficult due to them moving house, never a good idea when someone has dementia so I am not surprised if he's confused about where the toilet is.
Getting more support for the time being and planning for a care home is a good idea.

As you and your DH are already spending considerable time trying to help out, would it not be perhaps a bit easier on you if you got your DF to move in with you (assuming you had space)? You could then get the carers to come round to your house to do cover when you're not available. We did that for my MiL, with both of us working FT for about two years before her dementia got so bad that she couldn't go out to groups. We were able then to increase the carers and my DH dropped to PT work. This might not be doable for you and you would still have to consider how your DM is coping and what care she might need. But if they are not insisting on staying together, it might be a cheaper option than a care home immediately.

It's common for people with mid level dementia to be in a nursing or care home, no matter their age.

Your mum clearly isn't coping with him being at home and he would get much more support and nursing care etc at the care home. There's also opportunities to socialise.

I'd say you should support her decision and help them find somewhere within their budget that Dad would accept and meets his needs. And is not too difficult for family to visit.

Did they move once he had dementia?

I've been visiting close relatives in care homes for over a decade. Age is irrelevant. I've seen middle-aged people with degenerative diseases living in care homes. The needs of the individual are the only criteria. I would say that finding a home that has LA contracts is a good thing as he may be able to stay when money runs out, though there are no guarantees. Move him before their relationship deteriorates further and the situation becomes unsafe.

It’s your mums decision. She’s doing the daring 24/7. You are not.

I work in a care home. Our oldest resident is 100 youngest is 58. It dosent matter what age they are you need to do what's right for them.

You need to see a few before deciding as it's a big change for all of you. You could see if he is entitled to FNC (funded nursing care) or anything else.

Council also do a thing where they may pay to basic care fee and then you have to pay the top up.

Our home is waiting list dependent but they are lots of agency's like care home selection who work on he behalf of yourself to find placements

I'm really sorry you are all going through this. Give me love to your mum

It really is your mother’s decision, she is the one living with him. When the person becomes incontinent that is often the trigger for a move to a care home. Carers in twice a day is little use for continence care. ‘Knowing who you are’ is not a consideration, some people with dementia recognise their family into the late stages of dementia.

My mother moved to a care home when she was at the ‘moderate’ stage. She lived alone with carers coming in and was not safe to be on her own when they weren’t there (but she was still continent, different people lose functions at different rates). She lived there for seven years, and was self funding for the first 5 and a half. The local authority then took over her funding, in the same care home.

There is no predicting how long your dad will live so all you can do is what is best at the time.

Unfortunately not that young and increasingly common. Would respite care be an option to give your dm some breathing space and time to organise carers and equipment to facilitate him being at home and her coping better? Has he been checked physically for any infections which may make his difficultires worse?

Your poor mum is obviously struggling, kindly you need to go with her wishes not yours. It is a really difficult illness to manage at home.
House cant be sold to pay for fees all the time she is living there.
He is no way too young, in fact for dementia it is about average age, Ive worked with people in their 50s in care homes with early onset dementia.

I can empathise with how difficult this is for you all. Firstly, I’m sorry about your dad. It’s a terrible diagnosis. Your mum is in a terrible position and the support she’s getting isn’t enough. She’s barely getting a break- carers twice a week isn’t that helpful at all with dementia and incontinence. If she says a care home is needed, a care home is needed unless you’re able to move him in with you. It may look like they could make it work from the outside but it’s her who has to do the care. Even if carers came in every day there’s still 23 hours of the day it’s on your mum.

My mum is in a nursing home aged 75. Dementia diagnosed last year. She had a very sudden decline and ended up sectioned. Now in a home we haven’t chosen.
I would say look at homes now before a crisis. They have waiting lists if they’re good.
trying to move my Mum to a better home is proving difficult as no spaces for the care she needs. Things can decline very suddenly in my experience and I wish I’d been more prepared.

"Continence issues" are no light thing to deal with for the sufferer or carer. It was one of the most distressing parts of ageing for my parents, especially after mum got deeper into dementia. Dad found it very hard to help her keep even basically clean, and carer visits four times a day left a lot of hours in between when she was essentially waiting for help with a nappy change. The house smelt awful, and they had to put up with it all day, and they'd always been a scrupulously neat, houseproud couple.

It sounds like a move to a home will eventually be needed. It might be better earlier while he has the ability to get used to it.

He is not too young for a care home and that would be the best thing both for him and for your mum. She shouldn't be having to do this much work at her age.

My aunt died last month aged 71 from
Alzheimer’s disease and she had been in a care home for 8 years so I wouldn’t say too young.

Agree with others it sounds like carers could be stepped up especially to support your Mum.

What does he want? Getting dementia doesn’t automatically mean he can’t make decisions and doesn’t have mental capacity. You can’t force someone with capacity into a care home. LPA for health means nothing while the person can decide for themselves.

I’d approach social services and ask for a care act assessment which he is entitled to regardless of how much money he has. They can consider his capacity alongside and go from there.

In the meantime look at days services and make sure you split any joint assets/funds (except the house) now so your mums half isn’t eaten away. As long as you can show you did this to protect her half it won’t be seen as deprivation.

Good luck.

A financial assessment will look at your DFs income and all savings. It will deem each person to ‘own’ half of the savings so if they have £50k, he will be considered to have £25k. As your DM is over 60, the house will not be considered at all.
I’d suggest your DM looks at separating their finances - all her income to go into an account in her name and half the savings too. This will make it so much easier if he does need full time residential care. Also, she needs to either have his income in an account with both their names on, plus his share of the savings, so she can pay his care home fees in the future. Make sure any carers they currently pay for comes out of his account, not a joint account.

76 isn’t too young if it’d the right thing for that person, but have they (both) been assessed by a social worker? They’re not having much support atm. Have more carers been considered, what about day centres, continence team etc?

Does your dad have capacity to make decisions about his care needs and where these should be met? Not just in your opinion, a formal capacity assessment? If he retains capacity, he cannot be forced into a care home against his wishes.

i would suggest an urgent referral to adult social services highlighting the high degree of carer stress and go from there.

I was going to say this. Support for your Mum is really important.

what option is there for day centres? even self funding.

that could give your mum a break all day and then she only had to look after him at night. hopefully woth carers to change him and give him a sleeping pill.

granted i dont know costs but if care homes are £200 a day and you’re prepared to pay that then maybe even a £100 a day day centre would make the budget stretch 50% more?

or maybe it’s not an option or too confusing.

I think it’s fine for you to say no to a care home if you’re happy for him to move in with you and become your responsibility. Other wise you don’t get say. Your Mum is older so will have less energy and physical strength and is doing this all the time.

Where in the country are you? 76 isn't that unusual in a lot of Northern post-industrial areas, ie high levels of industrial disease and poor life expectancy etc.

Give social care a call for some advice, they can explain your options and what a financial assessment will consist of should you have worries your Dad might not be able to sustain the costs himself.

Are they are day centres that could give your mum a break?