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Elderly parents
Original poster

How do I go home after this?

42 replies

roastednuts123 · 26/04/2026 06:04

Step DF passed away a few days ago. He’d been in hospital a week and prior to that been a very healthy 89 year old ? (I mean ridiculously so - walked 6 miles a day every day to give one example). Became dizzy a couple of weeks ago and had a couple of falls, hit head and died in hospital a week later. Mum has cognitive decline and is forgetful and generally frail and doesn’t eat properly.

I stayed with my mum when he first got admitted to hospital, I then came home for a couple of nights while my brother stayed with her, then came back last week when dad deteriorated more as we suspected final days.
Hes now passed and I’ve been here nearly a week. I live 3 hours north and brother 4 hours south of them so not easy.

Despite a miserable childhood and mum always being a very negative and cold person, I want to support her as best I can but I also need to get on with my own life eventually. There’s no question she needs me to help. She isn’t insisting I stay in fact the opposite - she knows we all need to live our own lives. But how can I leave her in a few days and expect her to get on ok when she can’t cope?! Do I have to just do it and pick up the pieces when something happens? At which point maybe she’ll accept carers coming in? (They have savings so it’ll be private in any case).

any advice much appreciated!

OP posts:
TheyGrewUp · 26/04/2026 08:39

DH arranged for a daily carer for his mum. An hour a day to cook her lunch, a chat and wipe kitchen/bathroom. He pays as she wouldn't.

You can claim attendance allowance for yiur mum @roastednuts123.

FirstdatesFred · 26/04/2026 08:39

Agree with the button alarm, that would give you peace of mind. And there’s other technology that could help.

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 26/04/2026 08:32

It’s a hard time.

We started to leave a gap between visits. So you’d go home Monday, brother would come Wednesday. He’d go home Friday, you’d arrive Monday.

Gradually the gap increases, the visits get shorter and you see how she does.

I was surprised DM was very quick to be ready for us to go. She wanted to be home and normal, again. Us staying wasn’t ‘normal’ so she was ready for us to leave her alone.

zurigo · 26/04/2026 08:32

I would write to her GP and tell them your concerns OP. You definitely need to alert the DVLA about the fact that you don't think she should be driving. It's all very well people saying 'Let things fall apart, then she can get help', which may be necessary for her own personal wellbeing, but if she poses a danger, that is something that you, as a person with that knowledge, needs to address. Your posts make it clear that she has her head firmly in the sand, but if she kills someone that will be on your conscience, so please do something about it.

PersephoneParlormaid · 26/04/2026 08:31

If you don’t think she’s safe to drive, use the confidential form for the DVLA on line.
Will she have a camera in the house so that you and DB can see she is OK? My DF found this reassuring.
Would she have a cleaner so that at least someone is popping in once a week?
Internet shopping. Those frozen food deliveries from Wiltshire Farm.

Mum5net · 26/04/2026 08:28

Sorry for your loss. Agree with PP that there will be major adjustments and your DM’s frailties may be more exposed than before.
It’s easy to say and harder to do but don’t be tempted to jump in and ‘fix’ things immediately. In the longer term it will be easier if DM takes on board that she can’t do things.
When my DF was taken in to hospital my DM didn’t cope and was sectioned within four weeks.
i’m no suggesting this will happen but the DParents had been masking their issues and we’d never realised how DM had deteriorated. If you step in and cover entirely for your DFil, her true needs will not be revealed.

bestbefore · 26/04/2026 08:26

Def get a care alarm for her, pendant or watch style button and explain pressing it just alerts people that she needs help. The operator might call you in first instance. Ask about meals on wheels possibly and carers, even if someone to help her get up.

rookiemere · 26/04/2026 08:16

Sadly this is very common, including the not wanting to be a burden but refusing to consider any accommodations for their needs. It is possible that her loss has exacerbated her symptoms if she seems to have deteriorated significantly. I would contact her doctor, even if she needs to sign something for them to speak to you and she hasn’t, you can flag your concerns. You can raise concerns regarding driving anonymously to the DVLA. You can also raise with social care for an assessment of her needs.

I agree with speaking to neighbours and giving them your number. They can let you know if she isn’t putting bins out or erratic driving.
Sorry - it’s going to be a bumpy period so accept that often things will need to get worse, before your DM will accept measures in place.

JLou08 · 26/04/2026 08:03

roastednuts123 · 26/04/2026 07:23

Thanks all. I have PoA for her. I spoke to her GP for the first time last week but that was about my step dad before he died. I was thinking of picking up the conversation with them next week. I don’t think mums having any treatment for cognitive decline as she refuses to accept there’s an issue, but spending more than a few hours with her you can see that there is. She can microwave and use oven yes. Maybe I’m over-worrying but I just think she’s so frail she could fall so easily, and she drives but she really shouldn’t imo. I’m trying to speak to her about it all but she’s so dismissive.

obviously this is all made million times harder that we’ve just lost dad who, up until 2 weeks ago, held everything together at home for her.

What evidence do you have that she actually needs help? It could be that the sudden loss of your step-dad has you worrying the worse will happen.

TheLivelyAzureHedgehog · 26/04/2026 07:34

If you think she don’t be driving, then that’s the one thing that needs to be addressed as it could have terrible consequences for someone other than herself. How often / fast does she drive? Have you witnessed her having near misses?

Tel12 · 26/04/2026 07:33

One thing that might help us an alarm. Our local council will install one that you wear around your neck. Get in touch with GP and arrange of OP assessment. She may qualify for Attendance Allowance as it's not means tested. Even a cleaner coming in for an hour every day would mean someone is keeping an eye on the situation. However if she refuses all help there's not much you can do until she hits a crisis.

Original poster
roastednuts123 · 26/04/2026 07:23

Thanks all. I have PoA for her. I spoke to her GP for the first time last week but that was about my step dad before he died. I was thinking of picking up the conversation with them next week. I don’t think mums having any treatment for cognitive decline as she refuses to accept there’s an issue, but spending more than a few hours with her you can see that there is. She can microwave and use oven yes. Maybe I’m over-worrying but I just think she’s so frail she could fall so easily, and she drives but she really shouldn’t imo. I’m trying to speak to her about it all but she’s so dismissive.

obviously this is all made million times harder that we’ve just lost dad who, up until 2 weeks ago, held everything together at home for her.

OP posts:
unsync · 26/04/2026 07:19

Is her GP aware? Are you listed with her GP so that they can speak with you about her health needs? Has she been assessed for the cognitive decline? Has she had a needs assessment from SS? Who has the PoAs? If she is self funding, it does give you a lot more flexibility.

Have you spoken with her about what she wants to do and what needs to be done (which are not the same thing)? Ideally you need to have the 'if this, then that' conversation and run through all the different scenarios together, but this will depend on the level of her cognitive ability.

TheLivelyAzureHedgehog · 26/04/2026 07:08

have you spoken to your mum about this? is she aware that she cannot look after herself very well?

what specifically does she need help with?

Summerhillsquare · 26/04/2026 07:06

Food deliveries in the meantime, can she use a microwave?

Original poster
roastednuts123 · 26/04/2026 07:05

She does have nice neighbours and I think they’d keep an eye on her from a distance if needed. I have all their numbers now so that’s really good. Thanks for replying! I think part of the issue with Age Concern or carers is she refuses to believe she is old and needs help!

OP posts:
charlieandjenna · 26/04/2026 06:10

Does she have any good neighbours? If so can you have a chat with them and exchange phone numbers with them so they can get in touch with you if needed. Also speak to the local age concern to see what support there is locally. I think they have lunch clubs and other companion activities