Has dealing with elderly parents made you plan for old age?

Yes, it has. We have LPAs in place as well as a will and were thinking about moving abroad, so have seriously decluttered in that process. In the end, we've decided that where we are is probably the best place for us. We have a stairlift that can be reinstated (we had it for my MiL when she was living with us) when one of us begins to find stairs difficult. But the thing we were shocked about was the cost of a funeral and so we have purchased a funeral plan that is for one of us (whoever goes first); the funeral for the other can be paid out of the estate should it be needed. We have both donated our bodies to our local teaching hospital, but learnt from my MiL's experience that if the death is not during term time, they don't want the body and so you need to pay for a funeral. Luckily she had that contingency in place. Figuring out who to have as executor has been difficult as DSD now lives in Australia, so although she is down as executor, it's impractical and we probably have to rely on the solicitor's firm that holds our wills.

@Iheartmysmart don't overthink but just get this and showering will be so much safer. It was recommended by the occupational therapist for my dm, but like so, so many things it's just too late to be useful for her.

@Badbadbunny your story is so sad but resonates completely with me. The decline into dementia can be so steep. My dm has now accepted carers to help with daily medication but honestly her quality of life would have been so much better if we could have put them in place earlier. Every adaptation we've made should have been a few years earlier.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Helping-Hand-Kingfisher-Adjustable-Bathboard/dp/B003ZZ0XK4/ref=mp_s_a_1_8?crid=24FV6X1Z4TTYO&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.LNBVG1n8or25AJnvNgkXTaRn9_Oy20UQXwY-Jsl1up8FOfbHFRzWuwCJZdZWg7R-r8yhwMYgmSKfk7-zI8LsmxuB84oHz1Tr209f-kxuhd7lsr3OJym3KRX9tbmyQ5Y5OiDRPtmOpMCcJO6pQTZzx0VWQ1EVRU9IXCkcBsoda2yFbNI7zBzU0Pr8J2V-3Cq6vvGI5uFrXr2cCyFXAu5xiA.Len964S-mLEROfCOVCZO-ZE2b-Ol45WGNe0H5GK2pbU&dib_tag=se&keywords=bath+seat&qid=1776425979&sprefix=bath+sea%2Caps%2C297&sr=8-8

This is quite an important one for me. I have consciously avoided becoming a ‘host house’ or even having a big house at all. We have lived in a flat for all of our children’s lives, and it’s fine. We have learned to be content with less, and that’s good in lots of ways. I look at my parents 4-5 bedroom, double garage, huge garden and woods in the country - and I feel suffocated by all the stuff. I’m sure they feel the same about my space - too small, no garden etc. it’s been great to have a proper big family home to visit during holidays and at Christmas but it’s not something I aspire to now at all.

Yes, we’ve been financially planning for years but four years ago we had a house built which has a downstairs bedroom with a decent shower room and we have a study which could easily be turned into a bedroom for a carer. All of our floors are tiled and there are no ridges at the doorways to trip over or get in the way of a walker. The lounge is open plan to the kitchen and dining area to make using a walker with a tray to move food and drinks around safe. When we moved we had a massive clear out of stuff which we’d accumulated over the years so that clearing the property one day should be less difficult. Probably in the near future we’ll ask our family if there are any of our possessions they particularly would like then if more than one person wants something they can sort it out amicably now. I have spoken to one of my DILs about a particular photo I would like on the order of service at my funeral and we have made known our preference in regard to cremation v burial. Thinking about it we should probably put a POA in place sooner rather than later. My husband and I are 65 and 62 and in good health but I feel glad to have these things sorted in good time.

Awww😪 you should be enjoying life at your age not worrying about the manner of your demise! Only a very small percentage of people end up in care homes. Can't remember the exact percentage but think it's only something like 5%.
I've worked with the elderly for years and plenty live independently until their death and even enjoy their old age.

Perhaps you could do with some help to be less anxious about it, i think you can self refer for talking therapies/CBT, perhaps have a word with your GP as 'consumes every waking moment' is not a good place to be. One of my adult children has anxiety and is on a mild anti anxiety medication, when they are off it they tend to catastrophise about everything and spiral which your post is reminding me of. Hope i haven't offended @Strawberriesandpears 💐

It is making me plan, but it is also paralysing at the moment. My parents moved in with me during Covid as mum became very immobile almost overnight and dad couldn't cope with her on his own. She has now had two knee replacements and a hip replacement, but it hasn't helped that much as she is still very obese and the joint damage is more extensive than the repair can address.

We will need to do work to the house to make it functional for us as we get older, but mum's needs are going to be outpacing all the work we can do. A downstairs loo and shower room would help her, but the house is an old farmhouse with random changes of level all over the place so there isn't an easy place to add it. She just about manages it at the moment but it can take her 20 minutes to go down a single step. I'd like her and dad to get a flat or a bungalow nearby so I can carry on cooking for them and helping a bit with care, but they are completely resistant to the idea.

So at the moment, we are waiting for the crisis. It is quite difficult as my dad is in really good shape for an 83 year old so he doesn't want to change his lifestyle more, even though this would help mum.

Having been through hell for almost 8 years after mum's stroke, I'm absolutely determined to take matters into my own hands if I receive certain diagnoses.
We will also ensure that everything practical is sorted before we can't do it ourselves.

I’m in my late 50s and we’ve already sold our family home, got rid of over 50% of our furniture and possessions and got all our legal and financial paperwork in good order, executors, PoAs, etc.

We don’t want to burden our kids with having to sort out a lifetime’s worth of stuff (which I've had to do for relatives 3 times now and it’s awful), nor burden ourselves with the maintenance of a large property and garden we no longer need.

I’ve watched too many people cling onto unsuitable homes through fear, stubbornness or sentimentality, none of which ultimately stave off the inevitable, and I honestly think it’s selfish to blindly refuse other options on the basis someone else will clean up after you and sort everything out when you’re gone.

Much better to have some control over the process and view it as a positive new chapter. Letting go is hard, but incredibly liberating. After years of being the de facto ‘host house’, I love living in a small, manageable place and having the freedom to do things other than worry about ‘stuff’.

I’ll have no qualms about looking into retirement or care homes when the time comes and whilst it’s still in my power to do so. It’s utterly pointless to put your head in the sand. Pretending end of life isn’t going to happen to you is a sure fire way of having important decisions taken out of your hands at a time when you’re likely to be at your most frail and vulnerable.

I've also started the process of "selling" my small business. I'm still fit and capable of running it, but if something serious happened it would be a real millstone around the necks of my DH and DS if they had to step in to run it or sell or close it. It wouldn't be fair to them nor my clients.

It's taken a while, but I've found a larger business in the same profession who is willing to take on all my clients under their firm, but let me continue to do the work myself (as a consultant under them), transferring all my clients onto their systems and under their administration/management procedures. The idea being that I could literally walk away (either through choice or necessity) and they'd seamlessly take over the work as they'd have the files, all the data would be on their systems, etc. Obviously they want their "cut" so I'll make a lot less money, but it's worth it for peace of mind. It also enables me to cut back on a gradual basis and start working part time etc as the years pass.

Planning old age consumes my every waking moment....and I am not even 40 yet!

My issue is that I will have zero family. Only child, no children, so absolutely nobody who I might have been able to rely on.

I'm planning to move myself to a local highly rated retirement village which was step care - you start with independent living and move through different levels of care as or if needed.

I'm also trying to eat healthier and take better care of my health and make new social connections. And also make and save more money to pay for living at the retirement village.

But is is all a massive worry which quite frankly ruins my life! 😩

No, I'm in denial that I'm old😂 despite working in the NHS for decades and seeing the difficulties with thousands of elderly patients and families.
What I have done is simplified my finances, made sure sons know where my paltry savings are and left what I jokingly call 'the death file' containing vital information including leaflet for direct cremation company I used for my dad.
Always pretty minimalist and decluttered every time I've moved so thats not a problem but perhaps I should look into POA although never used them with parents despite them paying hundreds to a solicitor for them as they remained cognitively intact🤷

We've always been pretty good with the financial side of things, proper files of up to date paperwork for bank accounts, savings accounts, investments, pensions etc. and also had wills ever since we got married and bought our first home, which we've updated since, first time when DS was born and then again when he reached 18 years old, so hopefully we've covered things financially as far as we can for each other and ultimately our DS.

But we'd not really thought about the "care" side of things. Until a couple of years ago when MIL started going downhill rapidly with dementia. She'd been "forgetful" for a few years and we'd started to have to do more and more for her, but it was manageable, i.e. taking her shopping and to the bank every week etc. and visiting her daily (instead of previously a couple of times per week). We thought things would be OK if we just called in more often, did "complicated" things for her more often etc. At that time, things seemed pretty slow/steady and manageable.

She deteriorated amazingly quickly - almost getting worse by the day. Suddenly forget how to turn on the heating, and in fact, forgot she had heating, so we'd turn up and she'd be sat shivering. We had to start phoning her first thing every morning to talk her through turning on the heating! (She'd got into the habit of turning it off every night, which was an automatic habit she didn't think about!!). Then she'd mess up the TV tuning every time she turned it on - heaven knows how but she'd ring to say there was nothing on TV and we'd have to go down and found there were no channels tuned in, so we had to do the "auto retune" function almost every day. She'd previously been an avid enthusiastic gardener, but her garden became wild and overgrown - she'd keep saying she was going to do it "tomorrow" but never did. We got a gardener booked, told her about it daily beforehand, phoned her the morning he was due to arrive, but when he turned up, she threw him off the premises, shouting that she did it herself, etc - the guy phoned us from his van and we had to go down to pacify her and had to sit with her trying to get her mind of it whilst he did the garden. Same happened the following week, and every week afterwards.

Within maybe 6-8 weeks, she turned from someone needing a "bit of help" to someone completely incapable of being alone more than an hour. She'd do stupid things, like she had a bedside alarm clock which she'd had for years - red LED numbers. We noticed she'd started to turn it away from her in bed and we kept asking but she had no idea why she turned it. Eventually she remembered it was too bright, so that explained it. One night, around 3 am she phoned us in distress saying that there'd been a bang and flash and all her electric had gone off. We rushed around to find the electrics had tripped. We just reset it and things looked OK, so we settled her down and went home again. Next day, when tidying her bedroom, we noticed the alarm clock wasn't working - then we looked at the wire and she'd cut through it with a pair of scissors! She couldn't remember doing it, and couldn't understand why there were her big kitchen scissors in the bed! I think it was then that we realised she was dangerous being left alone.

Suddenly, things became very urgent - she couldn't deal with the bank and bills anymore, and we didn't have POA so we'd have to take her to the bank and luckily, it was a local branch where some of the staff had been there years so knew her and knew what she did with her "numerous" bank accounts where she seemed to transfer money between them for no obvious reason, but the bank staff just continued the pattern to appease her. Sometimes if someone she knew wasn't there, the other staff would just send us away as they could see she hadn't a clue and was incapable and weren't willing to do anything on our say so!

We tried to get a grasp of the finances, but there were piles of paperwork all over the house going back years, randomly placed in drawers, boxes, etc. no organisation at all, not even back a few years earlier when she was supposedly capable of looking after things. It took several full days to search the house and then organise through it all. We needed a handle on things as we realised the urgency of both financial and care POAs. Even if we got carers organised, we couldn't pay them out of her money as she had no internet banking set up. Those few weeks were an absolute nightmare. Sadly, her deterioration was so rapid, her health suffered too and she ended up with pneumonia and died within a few weeks (after an awful 3 days in a corridor in A&E!).

There'd been no time to organise carers nor POAs as the deterioration had been so quick. Then of course, we had to spend weeks decluttering her home before we could put it up for sale as it was full of a lifetime of possessions (plus what they inherited from their parents etc).

That made us re-evaluate ourselves and we've not set up care and financial POAs, we've also decluttered our home as far as possible, made lots of lists/notes etc. It made us realise that a will, whilst important, doesn't even begin to cover all the other aspects that serious/rapid ill health causes.

My aunt moved to a flat in her mid-60s because she had worked with elderly people and knew that if you don't move way before you need to, you have already left it too late.

We are in a house that is perfect for us with three young adults / late teens (which we just moved to, much like @DeeplyMovingExperience -- decluttering, now in town): when they are out we will move to a property that we could live in until our deaths, taking into account accessible bathrooms, bedrooms etc.

I love @LadyGardenersQuestionTime 's list: yes yes to those. I am not 100% on all of them, but not far off.

Trying to support my mum to declutter at the moment and it's a nightmare (she needs to move). At least my kids won't have to do that for us -- I declutter all the time.

yes.

not waiting until older age because you're less likely to want to make those decisions. we are planning to downsize for our next move and expecting it will be our last and the place that sees us both out.

not just accessibility in the house but also where it is, making sure it has public transport in case one or both of us has to stop driving. practical considerations, can you get to the supermarket and the doctors without a car if you needed to.

also keeping active and as healthy as possible.

My DM has done what looks to be the right things as she ages. Downsized to a ground floor flat, walk in showers, loves her carer and the meal and wheels service. She has an eye on her preferred care home too.
But, the big but, is that shes 4hours away from me, and on different continents to my siblings. We didn't grow up there, its not our home and we know no one locally either.
Its impossibly hard to do the things carers don't do, like her laundry, sort her post and when shes in hospital she's depending on a gang of elderly women to bring clean clothes and wash them for her. My sister came home for 2 months last time to do all that, but she has a job now and 2 small kids. Mum care managers call me to wait for ambulances with her, but shes in hospital before I'm an hour into my trip. And I don't have the leave to go to all her appointments or do the running round at far away.
I'll mind my health for healthy aging, make sensible decisions, but I'll move to be near DC as needed in my elderly years. And continue to push DM to consider a care home local to me.

My Mum despite having both of her parents dying intestate, took forever to sort a will out. Luckily she has now done it. She was also an almost full time carer to DGM despite working full time, and I'm not sure how she didn't have a nervous breakdown. The usual of SGM not wanting carers, cleaners or any other in house help. I can see my Mum would be just as bad though. I think she will just think she won't end up like that.

MIL worked as a warden in sheltered housing until her retirement, and as a result is much more accepting of needing care, moved to sheltered housing herself before she got too bad. Has all of her paperwork in a folder that we know about, so things will be easier.

Yes. Our strategy is to do things 5 years in advance of anticipated issues. So we already downsized from the rural family home into a smaller house in a town, with all facilities walkable within a couple of minutes (in case of not being able to drive). We can walk to absolutely everything including doctor, dentist, groceries etc.

We have done phase 1 death cleaning, getting rid of absolutely everything that is unnecessary. The rule is, if we don't absolute definitely need it, or absolutely definitely love it, it's out.

Our plan is to do another move, within this same area, to a flat, before stairs become an issue.

We have also been completely transparent with our kids about finances, where everything is, all the passwords, and have LPOA in place.

No way do we want any of our children dealing with the utter nightmare that our own parents became.

Life feels so much simpler and lighter now. The first downsize was a total nightmare but better to eat the frog and get it out of the way!

DHs parents are older and far more ‘aged’ than mine. It’s made him far more conscientious about his health, seeing them decline physically and mentally. He’s lost lots of weight, stopped drinking, started doing strength / resistance training and following up assiduously on all health issues to make sure they are treated early. I can’t say I’ve done the same! Yet….

@Iheartmysmart many people say similar but when they get closer to that stage it’s not so easy to go through with it

I’m already in a flat so won’t have the worry about that but do need to have my bathroom redone as I have an over bath shower which is already difficult to get in and out of and I’m not quite 60 yet. Decluttering is done on a regular basis.

However I’ve also made it clear to DS that when I’m no longer enjoying life, I’m planning to go to Dignitas for a peaceful and dignified ending. I have no desire to sit in a chair in a nursing home waiting for someone to change my nappy.

Not really, but partly because my parents have wealth and assets way beyond anything that DH and I will be able to amass before we are their age. They are classic boomers - made a lot money from investment properties in the 1990s, benefited from family wealth that has mostly been spent, and both have generous final salary pensions after long careers in public services. They’ve owned their own large house outright since they were in their 30s. They’ve been very generous with my sister and I but we simply aren’t going to have the same resources to throw at it when we get there. We had two kids quite late in life, and moved around a lot - none of which helps! My parents will throw money at ageing - they are planning to move downstairs and extend their house to accommodate a wheelchair accessible bathroom. My mum is currently very switched on and actively planning for getting less mobile. They do live very rural though - she would move but my dad will only leave in a box.

Anyway, the one thing I do is declutter all the time and just not buy so much bloody stuff!. My parents large house is full to the brim. Two of them, 4-5 bedrooms, and my mums talking about how extending will give them more storage 🤦‍♀️

POA already sorted, we know what’s in their wills etc, we’ve talked about funerals, not wanting to be kept alive after a certain stage and my sister and I are in the same page more or less. DHs mum has Parkinson’s and dementia and ended up in a nursing home for 4.5 years before dying: it was a real wake up for my parents, that they are approaching the same stage. Also they have a lot of elderly neighbours who are starting to struggle so they see that too. Neither my sister nor I live nearby, my mum is already thinking about how to get eg shopping, taxis etc in place.

Thing is we don’t know how we will feel when we are older. All very well to say we would have carers, go into a home etc but we might not feel the same when the time comes.

Future proofing the house, sorting out financials, POA, downsizing, getting rid of clutter are all good things to do.

I am currently looking after elderly DM who is going down dementia route. Had downsized (now in retirement flat) and had POA in place before ill health appeared. But it is still hard as resistant to change and having people in, we have a weekly carer who she sees as a cleaner. I see her daily, and she hates the thought I am checking up on her. When she misplaces an item eg purse, we turn her place upside down trying to find it. I know I would find that really intrusive if I was her, and I am sure she does too. There are days she hates her life, other days she is oblivious to it all and feels that she is still independent (which she isn’t)

I dread putting this burden on DC, and I am sure DM wouldn’t have wanted this either. But until you are in this actual position you don’t actually know how you will act

Yes:
I am staying in London which is accessible by train from almost anywhere etc, and has many good hospitals, services and facilities, rather than moving to an ‘idyllic’ rural coastal area that is a bloody long drive from most places, no easy train access, hospital bloody miles away and few local health facilities. Much as I love such areas in my ‘fit and able’ phase of retirement. I can go there camping / cheap weekends. I don’t have to live there!

And I am planning to move to a property that would enable me to live on the ground floor if necessary.

And doing what I can to remain fit and healthy for as long as possible, keeping my social life, my brain active etc. Not to become a wheezing unfit couch potato who needs ‘taking to appointments’ like some of the mid-60s I read about here. (Unavoidable health conditions excl, of course)

I have a Will, LPAs, a file with details of everything Dc would need to know about my pension, savings, P Bonds (such as they are)

We work a lot with the elderly, and our plans for old age are pretty watertight as a result.

We have

• legal stuff - POA, wills
• I have an Advance Decision, which I update and reissue fairly regularly
• ”what you need to know” documentation to hand for the kids if they need it with bank passwords etc
• legacy appointees on my social media
• Thought hard about whether to move/downsize and have the appropriate plan in place taking into account not being able to drive, hospital proximity, how easy we are for kids to get to us
• I micro-declutter constantly
• we both exercise regularly, eat very well and take our meds, but we know exactly what long-term decline looks like and I hope we can manage it with relatively good grace

We know it’s inevitable we will need help for the last 5-10 years of our lives and I hope we’ve made it as easy as possible for our children to help us. I hope I’ve also come to terms with 85-90 being the sweet spot for dying and will be able to engineer it when the time comes.

Yes.

I can’t actually write out how grim it is for me and my brother right now.

my kids know which 2 have Lpoa for me and my other half has done his. My will is structured differently to my parents were too.